Not Enough Time

Today was a very emotional day for me.  It started in the shower when I was talking to Rachel and as I heard myself say "there's so many things I want to tell you, and there's just not enough time" I started crying and couldn't stop.  I didn't bother putting on any makeup cause it would have been a waste of time.  Des & I went to vote and then to music lessons.  (and I stopped to buy some waterproof mascara cause it's obviously going to be needed)  It was a nice ride with my girl...  She's getting so big.  I love having conversations with her, she is so cool.  The rest of my day, I cried on and off... when we got home, I checked my email - one talking about headstones, another talking about funeral plans...a phone message from the cemetery and another from the organ bank.  It's all getting to close for comfort.  Is this real?  Organ donation, headstones, luncheon plans after my baby's funeral??  You've got to be kidding me.  Now, before any of my dear friends get the idea that they upset me with their emails...you didn't.  I am a planner and I want to plan this the best I can now.  You did not upset me, I need the help.  This situation, however, stinks.  The countdown has begun...4 weeks and 3 days.  I know how fast the last 4 weeks and 3 days went by.  That's scary to me.  I know the hardest part has not come yet. 

So, I fed Matt & the kids at 5:00 and Matt left for his 2nd job.  I forgot that I had to do a friend's hair color at 5:30, so I did.  In the meantime, Samuel wouldn't stay out of the toilet and Isaiah tried to make me forget that he hadn't eaten his dinner and asked me every 10 minutes for candy, while I kept telling him "after you eat your soup".  Come 7:30 I was finally getting Sam to bed.  He kept saying "book!" after each book I finished, he wanted another.  I came downstairs to my girl saying "do you notice something different about me?"  It took a minute, but then I realized she had put on my mascara.  I told her she's too young for makeup and then couldn't help but ask "how did you do that?"  She put it on right and it looked good. (just not on a 7 year old!)  She was quick to say "I know how to put on mascara, Mama.  I opened it, saw the brush and said Hey, this is mascara, and then went like this *wide open mouth & eyes* and put it on.  It's easy."  So then I had to show her how to get the mascara off.  Too bad it doesn't stay on me that well.  I also got an email from my sister that said that Desirae had been prank calling her... apparently she was calling repeatedly, pretending she was me, saying "this is Stacy and I was wondering if your daughter could come over and play with my daughter".   At 8:30, I was reading to Isaiah (he was very insulted that I said his bed wasn't comfortable) and tucking him in...at 9:00 listening to the 1st chapter of the Boxcar Children being read by my very own Desirae and at 9:30 sitting down with a hot rice sock on my back cause my it's killing me.  I told Des I had to get something to eat and she said "what? you haven't eaten yet, Rachel must be starving!"  Just call me the invisible Mama...  But I guess if I wasn't invisible, I wouldn't be doing my job.  And through all of this busyness, I couldn't help but think...

I will never get to bring Rachel with me to vote (except today!) or hear her play the piano.  I will never get to have serious conversations with her in the van about the game she played at Chuck E. Cheese.  I will never get to feed her dinner at our table or put on a movie for her while I color a friends hair. I won't be able to see her new dance routine practiced in the kitchen and hear of her hopes of doing a recital.  I won't be able to see her try makeup on for the first time or teach her how to wipe it off.  I won't ever find out she's been sneaking the phone to call someone.  I won't ever have to try to keep her away from the toilet or tell her 15 times that she can have candy when she's done her soup.  I won't ever sit on her bed and read to her as she snuggles into my arm or try to talk her into only reading 3 books cause Mama's tired.  I won't ever hear her read to me out of a chapter book.  I won't ever hear her tell me I should have already eaten dinner.

My night was crazy...I'm exhausted and in pain...but I have 3 beautiful, healthy children alive and sleeping in their beds upstairs.  Tomorrow morning, I am sure that Isaiah will wake us up way too early yelling "it's mornin' time!" at the top of his lungs from his bed and Sam will immediately start yelling for "Daddy!"  I will have to force Desirae out of bed, later than she should be,  to hear her grumble about being tired and then about not wanting to do schoolwork.  Isaiah will beg me for candy all day long and Sam will be trying to throw things in the toilet. My back will still ache, I will still be exhausted and I will still be invisible...minus the times that my family needs something...and the only thing that I would change is that my baby will still die.

I can't imagine a better or more meaningful way to spend my days than totally devoted to my children...  and I want to do that with Rachel too.  4 weeks and 3 days...it's just not enough time.