Today's appt was a flop...worst one yet... horrible sonographer that gave me two bad pictures and had me in and out like I was on a conveyor belt. She had us there long enough to tell me my fluid is up again and Rachel only gained 2oz in 2 weeks and she was off. I started crying the second she left the room and within minutes was full blown sobbing. I couldn't stop...through the hallways and into the doctor's room... while everyone stood around me in silence not sure what to do cause I had totally lost it. She checked me and I'm 1cm dilated and 70% effaced, which means nothing unless my water breaks early. Then I calmed down, got through that and they set us up an appt over at the hospital for a tour... This journey has been a heart wrenching road for me. There have been many blessings along the way, but the pain is almost unbearable. The woman giving the tour was great, the reality of the tour...not so much.
By this point Matt was pushing me in a wheel chair cause I couldn't hack all the walking... I was quite the sight... red puffy eyes with an obvious headache and I couldn't walk. Someone on the elevator asked if I was in labor... I said "no, I just look like I am" and smiled. (she, of course, was bouncing a brand new baby girl in a front pack) We saw the labor & delivery floor, the operating room, and the postpartum floor (babies and all). :o( I think the reality started to sink in for Matt today too. Up until now, I don't think it has - but you can't stand in an operating room and talk about what a baby dying looks like and not have it affect you. Two weeks from today we'll meet our baby girl! Praying 3 days later, she'll come home with us...even if for only a few minutes.
Today's appt was a flop...worst one yet... horrible sonographer that gave me two bad pictures and had me in and out like I was on a conveyor belt. She had us there long enough to tell me my fluid is up again and Rachel only gained 2oz in 2 weeks and she was off. I started crying the second she left the room and within minutes was full blown sobbing. I couldn't stop...through the hallways and into the doctor's room... while everyone stood around me in silence not sure what to do cause I had totally lost it. She checked me and I'm 1cm dilated and 70% effaced, which means nothing unless my water breaks early. Then I calmed down, got through that and they set us up an appt over at the hospital for a tour... This journey has been a heart wrenching road for me. There have been many blessings along the way, but the pain is almost unbearable. The woman giving the tour was great, the reality of the tour...not so much.
My dear child,
ReplyDeleteIt's no wonder you looked so wiped out when you got home. Try to bend with the wind and when you can bend no longer - call me.
Love, Your Favorite
PS - I think Isaiah is going to be a doctor. Every complaint I had today he had the answer. When I said I was hot he said I should open the window or just go stand outside for a minute cause that makes you not hot real fast. When I bent over and said ow my back hurts. He said when people lay on the couch their backs get better (and I could read him a book.) When I coughed and said I wished I could breathe. He said he would get me some ice water - cause that helps peoples breathe good.
Des is exceptionally bright - she has most things, people included, figured out already. I got instructions on the computer - click here - X that - double click on that - enlarge this - etc..... and Samuel delights in her every move.
They are all so different and all so special. Rachel included. Special in her own way. A miracle, every one of them. As were (are) each of my own children...........
I have been reading your blog for a while now and I have started typing you a message and then stop in fear that I will hurt your feelings or offend you but I just want to say that I do not know what it is like or even imagine how it feels to go through with this but your latest blog just broke my heart and I want to say that I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through and I wish you did not have to go through this. I don't know you, your family or Rachel but I feel pain for you again I am truly sorry and I hope you all get some very precious time with Rachel.
ReplyDeleteOh Stacy...
ReplyDeleteI am reading your blog every day, and so often I feel like you are expressing exactly what I feel or experience. I am so sorry, you had such an awfull day. It is so crazy how depending we are on reactions and actions of those professionals in hospitals... and it seems they have no idea, how much it means, to be sensitive.
But the most important thing is, that Dod loves our little, woderfull and precious girls and that we do.
You are a wonderful mother to Rachel the way you go through this and I send you a lot of strength and love from Germany. I pray that your pain gets less and Rachel stays with you as long as possible. I just can´t imagine, how it is going to feel, when there´s only wo weeks left. And I perfectly understand what all this means to you.
Iko
Stacy, have you ever thought about an amnio-reduction? Many mothers who have too much amniontic fluid with their baby with anencephaly choose to have one. It gives temporary relief.
ReplyDelete:hug:
ReplyDeleteI had a total break down at my 20 week appointment when the lady just barely gave me any time and gave me TWO pictures. She spent NO time, because they didn't want to do the normal check up because the baby was not viable. I had been carrying since 12 weeks (KNOWING about ANENCEPHALY) and I planned on carrying until 40. I just don't know how people can deny women the ability to get to know their babies. This was my only time. After that, she spent about 25-30 minutes every time giving us 3D looks at our sweet boy. I treasure those moments, and I'm sure you have too. Praying as you prepare to meet your sweet girl.
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