Dancing Away in My Love

2 weeks ago today I held my 4th child in my arms... today, we went as a family to visit her at the cemetery.  I have no choice but to go along with it.  No choice but to love her from here.  But what I wouldn't give to make it all different.

When we got there, it was dark again... having a hard time getting there before sundown.  We turned the van so we could see her grave and got out to read her a book.  The kids were all in their footie PJ's, which was good book reading attire.  Tonight we read "Hermie - A common caterpillar" by Max Lucado.  It's about a caterpillar that keeps coming upon other insects and after seeing something they had, that he didn't, would question God why He made him so "common".  God replied the same, gentle way each time saying "don't worry, I'm not finished with you yet, I'm giving you a heart like mine."

One night, Hermie surrendered his desires and said to God "You know, it's ok that I'm just a common caterpillar.  You love me,  and that makes me special."  The next morning when he woke up, He was no longer a caterpillar.  Then it says... "As Hermie flapped his new wings, he began to understand what God had been telling him.  He wasn't like the ant...or the snail...or the ladybug.  He was Hermie - a beautiful butterfly with a beautiful heart."

I was reminded of the verse that I clung to in the beginning of my pregnancy with Rachel... a verse on beauty -

Instead it should be that of the inner self.  The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. - 1 Peter 3:4

Rachel's life redefined beauty for me.  That verse used to be something I would read and try to believe, but living in a world that is so consumed with outward appearance and vanity, I would struggle to claim it as my truth.  I no longer have that struggle. 

Before I met her, I thought that I was going to struggle with what she looked like.  I was nervous that I would not be comfortable seeing her uncovered head.  But, when I looked at Rachel, I did not see any of the things that she was missing.  I did not see her color change from pink to blue.  I was blind to any imperfection.   I look at the pictures of me holding her without her hat on and am not phased by the top of her head not being there.  I am sad that it meant she couldn't stay with us, but I could have never loved her more.  She was beautiful.  She was perfect.  She was my girl.  She had a gentle and quiet spirit...  with a heart like God's. 

And since I've known her, mine has become more like His too.

She was the most beautiful thing I have ever had the honor of holding in my arms... and she is the most beautiful thing that I will ever have the blessing of carrying in my heart. 

She will be there always... dancing away in my love.