Handprints on my Heart

From the first week after I found out Rachel had anencephaly, I knew I wanted to get a necklace that had two hearts...one that I would keep and one that came out of the middle for her to be buried with (that would leave a permanent heart-shaped hole in my heart, just like losing her)  I found what I thought was what I wanted, and when it got here was totally different... I didn't have time to order something else, so I went with it...but would never wear it (I thought it was silver, it was huge and ceramic!)  So, that's what she got buried with...one from me and one from Des.  Two days after her funeral, I found EXACTLY what I wanted, except two days too late. I had a breakdown in the store.  I bought it anyway, just in case.  I've been wearing my heart, and talked to the memorial stone guy about getting her side put into the front of the stone... 

Then the other night, before Matt had to go to the hospital, I almost lost it down the bathroom sink...it was barely sticking out and I knew if I touched it wrong, I'd lose it forever... I got my glasses on and prayed as I reached for it... I got it and as soon as I did, I cried...partly out of relief and partly because it's sad that all I have to hold onto is a piece of metal... My thought was "what I really want is her... "  I'm trying to hold on to her with stuff that is temporal...when she is eternal.  sigh.

About 2 minutes later the mail came...It was the handprint necklace I ordered. (2 weeks earlier than expected) They used her actual handprint to make this necklace... I thought about the fact that if that other necklace did fall down the drain, God had a back up plan :o)  He always does.  I put it on and will probably never take it off.  I love her hands... they were so perfect with really cute little dimples on her knuckles. <3



The Back

I also had made us (me & Rachel) bracelets...hers says "Mama" and mine says "Rachel"

Well, this has fallen apart on me too... she was buried with hers... and mine, although I only wear it when I go out of the house, it's already peeling and doesn't look so good.  Her hand touched it... she's wearing one just like it...if I ruin this one, I'll be sad...  even though it's just a bracelet... a temporal bracelet.

Tonight I noticed something on the side of my fridge...

I mean, other than a really cool drawing by Desirae... do you see it?  It's a chalk handprint.  I think it's Isaiah's, not sure, it could be Sam's... I love having a house that's all messed up by kids.  I noticed Sam's prints all over the mudroom window the other day... I don't wash them off.  It reminds me of the life in them...the joy they are in my home.  I will be sad the day that there are no more handprints on my stuff...

Rachel's hand wrapped around my finger.  She held onto our hands the whole time she was alive.  Her hands remind me of the amazing life in her.

But just in case I lose my necklace down the drain...

or if I miss my handprinted house...

brace yourself........

I got a tattoo... her actual handprint. A permanent bracelet.  I'm happy to say it can never be wiped off or lost down the drain.  And, it's going with me when I die :o)  In the ground anyway...I'll be busy dancing with my girl and worshipping at the feet of Jesus.  I look forward to that day.

I got this last week, but have only told a couple of people... it's very close to my heart so it almost feels wrong even sharing.  I'm not sure why... I'm not usually a private person, but I have struggled with this one.  If it wasn't on my wrist, I might have never shared it but it will be kinda tough not to!  When I showed Anne at our pedicures, she asked me if it hurt... I answered, "compared to what my heart's been through?...Nah" 

Matt went with me to get it and we went out for dinner afterwards.  Our waitress, Jessica "happened" to be a student midwife that was very supportive earlier in our journey with Rachel.  We had never met in person, just on line.  She asked if she could hug me.  It never ceases to amaze me the love I receive because of my little girl. 

While we ate, Matt & I talked about what a blessing Rachel has been.  I told him that although I'm scared at the thought of going through this again, I would rather have another baby with anencephaly than no other baby at all.  She might not have stayed as long as we'd have liked, but she brought so much joy.  She is still our daughter and still part of our family....and we are so glad we met her.  We talked about how many people she's touched the hearts of...the people she has given hope to.... the people who have come to know the Lord because of her.  We talked about the way people have come to our aid and walked beside us through this...friendships we have now... all the love we have received.  The people who have been encouraged and encouraged us.  This journey has been AMAZING.  In the sorrow, there has been beauty beyond measure.  All because of Rachel...

Jessica came back over and brought us coffee... she said "your bill has been covered" and walked away with a smile.  I could see that Rachel's legacy had left a handprint on her heart.

I said to Matt "See what I mean?" and hung my head to cry....tears of gratitude for my little girl who left handprints on my heart.  And hopefully yours too.