Good Gifts

Have you ever heard yourself think (does that make sense?) "Is there really a God?"  Well, I do...sometimes if I think too hard, I start to wonder "what if we're all crazy and there is no heaven?" 

I was talking to my friend Melissa the other day about how most Dr's view "religion" as a good "coping mechanism".  I remember when I lost our other baby, the first thing the midwife said to me is "I see you're wearing a cross...do you have a church that you can call for support?"  I sobbed as I nodded, knowing that no matter how great my support system was, they could never remove my pain.  The same type of conversation happened when the Dr. told us about Rachel having anencephaly.  The diagnosis was followed by two things...the offer for a termination and the question of who we had for support.  When we told her God, she nodded at us like we were nuts.  "well at least they have a coping mechanism" was all over her face.

I found myself thinking last night... what if we are nuts...what if God really is just an imaginary coping mechanism and there really is no life after death.  what if all these amazing things that happen to me really are just 'coincidences'? 

Well, that kind of thinking doesn't last long because it's crazy talk.  If I look at history alone, there is more proof that He is real than not.  If I look at MY history alone there is more proof that He's real than not... and if I combined the two and don't believe that He is real... well that is what would make me nuts.

I came to the conclusion that I'd rather have doctors and some family and friends think I'm nuts (or at least, that God is my 'coping mechanism') than actually be nuts... so I told Him what was really on my heart.  It went something like this...

"I trust that You are real, I trust that You know what's best for me, I trust I will get pregnant when You see it best and with what you see best, I believe You have my best interest in mind...  but Please please please please give me a healthy baby girl soon" 

I figure since He already knows what I'm thinking, what does it hurt to tell Him?  I struggle sometimes with praying in Thanksgiving (meaning, as if it's already happened) because, especially when we pray with the kids, I worry that if things don't go as prayed for, that it somehow means that God isn't listening or doesn't care...

In my quiet time this morning (yes, that actually happens sometimes... the boys were happily playing with cars)  The first verse they mentioned was Matthew 7:9-11 which talks about how when our children ask for something, we try to give it to them.  And then compares that to how if we as humans know how to give good gifts to our children, then how much more does God give good gifts to those who ask? The next one is from Luke 11:11-13 and says "ask and it will be given to you"

I'm thinking... excellent, this is confirmation that I did the right thing telling God my preferences last night and gave me hope that He will do what I want...

This is where reading things through is important... it goes on to ask what the definition of a "good gift" is...in our limited understanding and perspective of the big picture, are we capable of knowing what's best?  When our children want candy before dinner, do we say no cause we don't want them to be happy or because it's best for them?  We know that their dinner is going to be important in keeping them healthy, helping them sleep and grow, and we know it's coming soon... all they can see is the candy.  If they throw a fit about it, we may just tell them they can't have any candy the next day either - because being preoccupied with what they want and not taking my "no" as the final word isn't acceptable...because it's not good for them to be discontent and demanding. 

So, the question is... With this definition of a "good gift",
how should I pray?
I was confused.  It says "ask and it will be given" -
so shouldn't I just ask for it?
What is "it"?
Well, here is the hard and beautiful part...
"It" is God's will, not mine.
What is God's will for my future (if any) children?  I have no idea, that is why I need to ask Him.  The only thing I know is that He wants me to trust Him with it.  I will find out what is best- cause eventually I will get pregnant (or not), it will be a boy or a girl, and it will be healthy or not.  In the meantime, I will ask Him for a healthy baby in His perfect timing and trust Him for the details, knowing they might not be the ones I would pick - and I'll pray that  He will help me to be content in whatever place I am in, at that exact moment... waiting on Him, trusting in Him and looking forward to His plan for my life, regardless of what may lie ahead. 
It's easy to trust Him with my heart, even in my disappointments, when I'm in the middle of them and it's my only choice.  But trusting Him with my heart for my future, which I seem to still stupidly think I have some control over, that's another story.  It's my true desire, but the problem is I'm human.