Lessons at Swimming

Although I sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my sorrow, I know that a little at a time, I am swimming my way back into "life"...Even after my hard night Tuesday, I got up on Wednesday, pulled up my big girl pants (or should I say, swimsuit) and headed off to get things done.   I decided to sign Des & Isaiah up for swim lessons that morning and they started that afternoon; so after rummaging through the attic to find swimsuits, off we went...and I was so blessed by all 4 of my children there.

Let's start with Isaiah... he was supposed to be using the noodle and staying NEAR the teacher... I had started to look for him and couldn't see him.  I looked around for a couple of minutes...still no Isaiah. (unfortunately, this is not an unusual thing for him)  I started getting nervous and asked a friend if she could see him.  We both scanned the water...no Isaiah.  Just as I started to think he was under water somewhere, I heard "Hi Mama!" and there he was...at my feet (it's a pool that wades in)  He had wandered from the teacher to come find me.  I love that kid.  He did get in a little trouble though and I felt bad as the teacher came after him and brought him back to their post... but I learned a little more of his devotion to me, and how good that feels as a parent.  God feels the same way when we show up at His feet.

Samuel was making me laugh the entire time we were there.  He is much more aware of his surroundings than Isaiah ever was and would get out to his belly in the water and turn back for my hand.  I sat on the edge of the pool and he came over, climbed up next to me and made a point to sit just like I was...and put his little hand on my knee.  He is a good boy.  He kept pointing at the water, yelling "tubby!"  He's right, it's about the temp. of a bath. ;o) As he got more familiar, he also got more daring.  Watching him "test the waters" made me realize that just because a situation gets more comfortable, doesn't mean it's safer... and you can always benefit from holding the hand of the One Who loves you...even if you aren't sinking.  I also realized that the time he was the safest is when he was copying me and staying close to me.  I am never more safe, even in familiar situations, as when I am copying God and am holding His hand....and whenever I get ahead of Him, He is always near by, ready to take my hand again and keep me safe.

Because it's so hot in there, I was wearing a tank top...  Since it's been cold and I usually wear long sleeves, I don't see Rachel's handprint all the time.  Every time I moved my arm, I saw her cute little hand.  I love it.  It's the only tattoo I have that I can actually see...and I'm so glad I can.  It makes me smile and helps me to feel like she is still a part of everything I do.  I had someone every single place I went yesterday recognize me from my blog.  It is such a gift to have people I don't even know saying Rachel's name and talking about her like they know her.  Talking about her 43 beautiful minutes....music to my ears!  As her mother, I want her to be a part of everything I do.. I want to hear her name spoken... I want to see her mark on me at all times.  As my Father, God wants to be a part of everything I do...He wants to hear His name spoken... He wants others to see His mark on me.

And last but not least, a lesson in swimming by Desirae...  last night we were heading to Target to get her a new swimsuit.  She said, with a big smile and her hands in the air; "If I find a bathing suit that fits me, we're going to the Works on the way home for a girl's night..whoot! whoot!... and we're gonna party!" (don't ask me, but that's what she said... and I thought, yeah if I find a suit that fits me, we'll party) then she started explaining how you do a cannon ball without holding your nose. (I'm a nose plugger...AKA: whimp)  This is what she said:

"Well, what you do is right before the water hits, you blow out really hard...then you blow out just a little until you get to the top of the water...then you just take a deep breath and swim"

My mind wandered... I started thinking about how that compares to my journey with Rachel...

I held my breath and jumped in with both feet and put everything I had behind loving that girl.  I could feel the calm and beauty of the water on my face as I swam towards the place where I could breath again...when she was born, I reached the top...the sun warmed my face, I took a deep breath... and I swam.  And as I did, her time here rippled out...touching everyone in it's path.

Cannon balls... you cannot deny that one just existed.  You don't have to be in the water to know it, you can tell by looking, even after the fact.  Miracles are like that.  They don't have to happen to you for it to be obvious they were there... Rachel was my Cannon ball... my miracle... her waves still rippling. 

Who ever thought that God would show me so much in one swim lesson?  I guess if I was afraid to open my eyes under water, I would have missed it...  I feel like I've been swimming for a long time and the destination is still so far off.  And sometimes, the journey is not all that fun.   I get weary, discouraged, tread water and get nowhere at times...sometimes even start to sink... but in the moments when I'm still, I can still feel her ripples...

Be still, and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10