16 Months Without My Christmas Baby

Today Rachel would be 16 months old.  I can hardly believe it.

This is one of my all time favorite ages... and I hate that I'm missing it.  Today I am grieving the loss of my dreams for my little girl.  I'm grieving things like tea time, cute teeth, playing with dolls.... I'm grieving not hearing her say "No, my do it myself!" and watching her toddle around in little dresses.

I've been watching Asa grow way too fast now for 4.5 months and I realized yesterday that part of the reason I want him to stay small is because the bigger he gets, the more I see how much I am missing with Rachel.  In my mind, she is still a little baby - and always will be - because that is how I knew her.  It's not until I see another baby who is her 'age' that I think of the possibility of her being that big.  And with each new thing that Asa does, it's impossible to not think about.

I hung the kids' new pictures on the wall last night and noticed that Asa and Rachel look a lot alike... more than I knew - and then I saw a red tint in his hair in the sunlight and thought "I bet she would have had red hair."  I just want to know these things about her.  I want to know who she would be, how she would sound, what she would do.  What she would look like.  I want to update her photo on the wall. I want more memories. 

I brought the new daisy solar lights that my mom sent to her down to her grave today.  That's the 4th time I've been there since Friday.  I miss her a lot lately.

It was a little bizarre today - I went to bring Asa for his shots and a girl in the waiting room randomly told me she is pregnant and had JUST found out right then.  And then she blurted out "The morning after pill didn't work."

Without thinking, I replied "That's good!" and although she didn't want to admit it, I think she is happy it didn't too.  I asked her a little about herself and was having trouble understanding why she didn't want a baby.  She is married, they both have good jobs, they live rent free, they already have another child... everything seems good - she told me everything is great.  Just bad timing.  Then she went on to tell me exactly 'how bad' the timing was.... She's due on December 22 and does not want a Christmas baby.  She told me of all the reasons she absolutely DOES NOT want a baby in December.  House taxes are due, Christmas, her husbands birthday... it's a bad month for a baby to be born.

I nodded, because I totally get that.  I told her how I felt that same way before.  And then I told her about a little girl named Rachel Alice - who was due on Christmas day.  I told her I hated the idea of having a baby in December until I found out she would die in December too. I told her today she would be 16 months old and how much I miss my Christmas baby.  I showed her pictures and encouraged her that her baby is a blessing and the timing will be just right.

As I walked out, I looked back and smiled and told her 'congratulations'.  She thanked me, unaware that I was on my way to the cemetery to visit a stone with my Christmas baby's name on it.

I hope tonight she's remembering our talk and celebrating the new life inside her.  I hope she gets to keep her 'badly timed' baby - but I must confess, I was a little jealous.