I Cried Because I Couldn't Stop

I spent last night in the ER.  I had been having a lot of back and neck pain for a few days that turned into sharp pains in my head, that turned into a headache so bad I couldn't function.

I was sitting here with the kids waiting for either Des or Matt to get home to relieve me of taking care of the babies so I could lay down and I couldn't keep my eyes open or talk normally.  When I noticed I was seeing things when I shut my eyes, I had Isaiah take my blood pressure.... which was through the roof.

I know being scared can make it go higher, so I tried to breathe through it like you breathe through child birth and just pray... and it worked a little - but when Matt dropped me off at the hospital (I'm not one to go alone usually) and the place was packed and everyone was talking about a 2 hour wait, I started feeling scared.  Just as I was calling my friend Cyndie to have her transport me to a different hospital (which is actually MUCH closer to me, but doesn't accept my Obamacare), they called me in.  Thank you to my friends who were praying for me in this... While everyone else waited for 2 hours, I was there for about 20 minutes before they brought me back.

 

They left me in that room and I fell apart.  Weeks and months of discouragement and weariness over my medical issues all came flowing out and I couldn't stop crying.  And the ER halls were so full and so loud, I didn't even try to cry quietly because nobody would hear me anyhow...

I cried because I'm tired of being in pain.  I cried because I'm only 35 and feel 90.  I cried because I might want to go to heaven, but I don't want to go now. I cried because I don't want to leave my kids without a mama.  I cried because nobody seems to be able to help me and I feel like I'm just waiting for my brain to blow up.  I cried because nobody *really* understands. I cried because I have to do this alone, nobody can do it for me or relieve me of the burden.  I cried because I desire another baby and might not ever be able to have one.  I cried because this isn't how I want to spend my life.  And I cried because God could change it all... but He's not.  But mostly, I just cried because I couldn't stop.

In the middle of this, Cyndie walked in...  a hug just when I need one ♥  We were both wearing our shirts from Rachel's Race.  I cried some more and blubbered some stuff about how I can't believe this is my life and how they needed to get my blood pressure down asap.

The nurse came in and took my blood pressure - it was 180/117.  She told me crying wasn't going to help it.  I told her I know, but I couldn't stop....

After giving me an IV and a bunch of meds, they did a CT scan of my head to check for bleeding and it was 'normal'.  They were supposed to do an xray of my stomach because I also was suddenly having those charlie horse cramps in my stomach again all afternoon, but the xray staff came to get me twice and wouldn't take me bc the nurse hadn't done a pregnancy test yet (my urine was awaiting them, but they just kept forgetting and then the dr went home) So they told me I'll have to follow up with my PCP.  I'm not very impressed with that, but I'm just the patient.

Eventually they got my pain under control and got my blood pressure down to 145/100 and sent me on my way with a couple of prescriptions that might help for a few days but aren't anything more than a bandaid that won't last.  

I just have so many things going on that it's hard to even differentiate what is what... does my head hurt because of my neck or aneurysm...or MTHFR mutation?  My neck because of my back or protruding disc - or Ankylosing Spondilitis (AS)?   My stomach because of my syrinx or because of GI issues... like maybe an allergy... or am I developing crohn's...or is my intestines flipping? (this is where the xray last night while it was happening would have been helpful :( )   My back because of nerve damage or AS?  My joints because of Poriatic Arthrtis (PSA) or something else?  Is my skin a mess because it's of the PSA or an allergy?  See what I mean....???  It's overwhelming and frustrating and all over the place.  And everyone keeps passing the buck to another 'specialist' who in turn passes me to someone else.  What do these people get paid for???

I had called yesterday to get into Physical Therapy and I will try it, although I'm pretty sure it's not going to be anything more than a temporary bandaid either... but it's the "next step" so I'll humor them.  I just feel like I don't have the time to get over there...  because I don't.  *sigh*

I need to make an appointment with the GI that I've been putting off because I honestly don't know if my mind and heart can handle another diagnosis right now.  But not knowing doesn't make anything go away so I know I need to, especially with my family history of colon cancer, ulcerative colitis and crohn's disease... I haven't had a colonoscopy in 5 years, and am afraid they will say it's time for another....and what they might find.  The Neurologist says my stomach cramp is from my Syrinx, but I honestly think it's intestinal - at least that's how it feels.  But I need an answer so I need to go... have I mentioned that finding time to go to all these appointments is more than difficult?? ugh.

(prayer requests below are underlined...)

I also have an appointment with a neck/spine specialist, but they can't get me in until the end of November.  I called yesterday to try to move it up, but they can't.  I'm on a cancellation list if you could pray that they will have something open for me sooner... and as much as I don't want surgery, if they can do something to relieve this constant pain, I want it done.  Pray that I will get good direction from the Dr's and God in making this decision.

And that's the purpose of writing all of this...  I need you all to pray.  Not (only) for the doctors to do great things and help me, but for God to heal me completely.  Because apart from a miraculous healing from God (even if through the doctor's hands), I think my life is going to be like this, or worse, for the rest of it and I'm weary already.  Pray that my blood pressure would go back to the way it was before I had E - it used to be 106/54 regularly, even through all my pregnancies... now even on medication it's still 140/89.  My blood pressure is the most concerning because it's dangerous to have an aneurysm and high blood pressure.  I need prayer about my Neurologist and finding one that my insurance will cover that I trust because the office I'm at isn't good.  And I need prayer that through all of this, I won't let the enemy steal my joy...  because the joy that the Lord gives will make me strong.

And even when I can't stop crying, God is still God and He is still good.