Tired

I have been waiting to write about this one... and I have no idea how to even say it, because saying it feels way too real and it being real is way too hard... and a lot of people won't really understand why it even is so hard, so I feel somewhat stupid.

God has given me an amazing sense about things that I often ignore.  And every time I do, I regret it.

So, last Sunday on the way to church I told Matt that I really wanted to get my data on my computer and on my blog backed up because I felt like I was going to lose it.  But I didn't do it.

The very next day, my computer's hard drive died.

I've had it in the shop for days hoping they would be able to save my photos and files, but they were not able to save a single one.

That's bad enough, but when I looked at my external hard drive, I had not backed up any of my photos since July... none of my non profit documents... none of our homeschool stuff....

Where I really struggle is in the fact that God knew.

In August, I found out about my aneurysm and started making a real effort to get photos of me and each of my loves - I started doing all sorts of things to make memories in case I drop dead and had so many great photos documenting it all.  And it's all gone.

I don't have a single thing from more than 2 years of our non profit. 

I lost the photos of the last two vacations to Maine.  If you know me, you know that this hurts.  Our Maine vacation is the only thing we do consistently.  It's been a tradition for years and I make a photo book each year after we go.  Thankfully, even though I was behind on 2013's, I did it right before we went this year and so I have the book, just no digital files.  But I make these each year and my plan was to give the kids all a copy of each when they get married.  I don't want 2014, the best year we've ever had there, to be missing.  I don't want to forget it.  I am afraid we won't make it back again.  I told you how I cried when we left last fall because I was scared it was my last time going... and I am not blogging like I used to, so I only put a few pictures up... and the rest is gone.  I had just said the week before that I wanted to make our 2014 book soon so that it was fresh in my mind....

And I was having a breakdown the very week before about homeschooling and how hard of a time I was having and losing the entire year of computer, writing and math was not on my list of great ideas to aid us in our school year.  On top of that, I'm still trying to figure out what I plan to do this year for Rachel's Race and the main goal is to not spend time on it because I don't have any freaking time to give. (more on that later) Having to redo EVERYTHING I've already done that happens to be time consuming was also NOT on my list of things I planned to do... and I just pray I don't end up needing any of it for legal reasons. sigh.

On Friday, I got the word that my data couldn't be saved...

Last week, Pastor Joel talked about how in Hebrews there seem to be two 'teams' of believers... 'Team A' who trust in God and everything goes well with and 'Team B' who even though they are faithful, life just isn't easy for them.  In fact, it's more than difficult.  He exhorted us to trust God in the hard....

My friend Anne & I joked about being stuck on Team B... She suggested we sneak onto Team A... I said I've tried many times and always get kicked off... we made light of a very harsh reality that for whatever reason, things are always hard for us.  But this week, I'm just not finding the ability to laugh it off.  I hear myself constantly asking God "When will it let up?"

I had gone to Market Basket to get groceries after finding out about the computer and I was feeling surprisingly ok... Asa was with me and fell asleep on the way and although he has NEVER slept through a shopping trip before, he slept the whole time!  I had a silly smile on my face the entire trip as I piled food around him carefully so he wouldn't wake up.  He's been SO tough lately and store trips are constantly a nightmare with him, so this was a blessing from God! 


So far, so good.

Half way there....

Still hadn't even moved a muscle!

So, I'm in the checkout waiting in line and as I moved up to the register, the manager walked up to me and handed me a gift card.  I looked around, dumbfounded. He said someone asked him to give it to me. I asked if he was sure it was for me and he said "They told me to give it to the girl with long blonde hair at #9."  I looked up in disbelief... that was me.  I opened it to find a $25 card and just looked at the cashier as my eyes welled up with tears.  "Good for you" she said... I told her God always knows when I need reminding that He is there.... (Thank you whoever did that!!)

But I seriously couldn't stop crying.  And I think the guy bagging the food was so caught off guard by my crying that he didn't even request I move Asa and worked around him....

As I was putting the bags in the truck, a couple was walking by and the man said "It will get better."

He wasn't talking to me, but it sure felt like he was.  I didn't hear another single word from their conversation.  I took a deep breath and thought about things 'getting better'....

Sure, all that data was just stripped from me, but after all, it *is* just data and at least nobody else is dead and we can make more memories... school will go fine, I used to homeschool before I even had a computer... I'll figure out the non profit as things come up....

We left smiling....

I gave him gum for being a 'good boy' - LOL

 Shortly after I got home, I got a call from Matt saying that his boss had gotten a letter from the Government in regards to a new job he is trying to get at the shipyard... a job he had not told him about because it's not definite.... And it's only not definite because he didn't pass the initial background check because of things that happened over 15 years ago... and they won't allow him to work until the full check is complete... if they even still want to hire him when that is said and done.  His boss says he will need to start training someone for his position regardless.

I couldn't even talk, my stomach just started to flip.  Why the constant struggle for us?  When will it let up... ever???  When is this 'getting better' going to take place exactly?  Because I'm seriously tired of being on Team B.  SO. TIRED. OF. IT.

Everything has always been hard for us.  Our youth, our marriage, our parenting, dead babies, no money.... I tell myself our life is 'rich' regardless - and I believe it is.  The things of this world have never been our goal in life. Ever.  I go back and forth between thoughts of needing to keep - and having -  a heavenly perspective because all of this is fleeting anyway, but I'm SO TIRED OF IT.  Like SO FREAKING TIRED OF IT.  Have I mentioned I'm tired of it?

I feel like I'm going to snap... and I have been regularly.  I feel like if someone looks at me wrong, I might hurt them.  I am crying at the drop of a hat... like today when I was at the post office and couldn't find the address I needed and she asked me to get out of line until I had everything ready... cried the entire 15 minutes I was in there.  Then I left there and went to Home Depot to get a piece of plexi glass to go on top of Rachel's hope chest (bc my kids insist on putting drinks on there and it's getting ruined and Matt keeps 'forgetting' to bring me home a piece from work at his GLASS shop) and when they told me they weren't allowed to cut it for me and tried to sell me a tool to do it myself, I started crying again. 

I'm a flipping mess.

I've spent the last 5 hours going through every folder on both my external hard drives just praying that I put certain photos or documents in the wrong places - I just CANNOT believe I didn't save at least the Maine photos to the external before clearing my card.... but for once in the last 5 years, everything was where it should be... well, minus the not backing up my irreplaceable files.... My Facebook addiction will help at least a little in that because I have a few important ones on there, like my boys' birthday parties and the photo of me and my Papa just before he died.  I'm just so scared as time goes on, what else I will realize is missing...  I know I will never delete a memory card again.

I need prayer.  I'm tired of life.  I don't want to be... I love my kids.  I love being a mom.  I love being home with them.  I love teaching them. I am thankful that I don't have to work outside my home, even if we are financially tight.  I'm thankful my house is so full I feel like I'm in a zoo... I have so much to be thankful for. But, I want to be everything I thought I'd be back when I had one kid, when it was easy to be a mom and I felt like I was good at it - but I'm just not.  I'm tired of messing up and having to apologize.  I'm tired of knowing that they will struggle with all the same things one day because of my repeated failures. Life's not ever easy.  And if it is, it's inevitably the calm before the storm.  Happy ever after never even came BEFORE for us.  It's all just hard.  And I'm pretty sick of every 'high' having to be a silver lining I experience in the middle of a 'low'. 

I want off of Team B.  I'm too tired to play.