Florida to Reality

I should tell you about Florida before I get too far away from it!  Time is flying and I have sat down to work on this about 5 times in the last week and a half and never finish...

Our plane was delayed (both ways) and we found out after we arrived in Florida that Southwest had a major incident with a crack in one of their planes...thankfully not ours, but it was that same day so it slowed everything down.  The kids loved the plane and Samuel did great in his own seat.

Florida was amazing.  The weather was beautiful.  We left the snow behind and entered into high 80's low 90's nice and sunny weather.  Just what I needed after the long winter we've had.  We did a lot of traveling in our week there.  We flew into Orlando because we only had a $1000 credit (from other tickets) and had to buy Sam a ticket since he is 2 now - and it was much cheaper.  Our rental had unlimited miles and it was a good thing because the condo we were using (friends let us stay there) was 4 hours away!  Our rental by the way was a brand new 2011 Town & Country Van that was so nice.  We did not go to Disney, although Des was bummed about that.  But not only is it WAY too expensive, but we needed a real vacation and there is nothing relaxing about Disney!  We plan to go next time we go down when the boys are a little older.  This is a struggle of having Des so much older than the others - they are interested in different things and at totally different levels.  It's hard to please everyone right now.  I can see the benefit of having kids closer together.

I'll start with the first part of our trip... we stayed at Matt's Dad & Stepmom's for 2 nights in Spring Hill.  The kids had a blast and seemed to warm up to them quickly.  They did a bunch of swimming and hanging in the hot tub, which me & baby had to pass on. 


Isaiah hanging out with Pepere



Memere was helping him load his Pez dispenser - A VERY serious job!

Des loves hot tubs!

Sam's just waking up from nap



Cuddling after a swim



Leaving for Naples

They played the Wii with Pepere and Sam was really into it.  He was screaming in excitement. He is such a ham, he had us all cracking up.  I think he'll be a sports boy.

We packed back up and headed to Naples on Monday morning.  We got to the condo early afternoon and after checking the place out, headed straight for the pool.  Although some people live there year round, it is a resort and the place is amazing.  That first day the water was almost too warm!  There is a little movie theatre, an ice cream shop, a bistro and a gym all right near the unbelievable pool.  Every time we walked in, Sam would yell "waterfall!"

My feet :o)  Watching the kids play with Matt in the pool

Baby Aube is starting to make his/her debut -
That is probably why people think Sam wears a big brother shirt. :o(

There is someone missing in this family photo...

Des has turned into a little fish.  Most of the time we were in Florida, she was under water.  Her & her goggles became best friends and we couldn't get her to slow down.  Unfortunately, I don't have an underwater camera cause I really wasn't able to get a picture of her above water!  We also went to the ocean and were able to see a bunch of dolphins jumping up in the air.  It was so cool.  I was more excited than the kids were, I think!  The waves were really strong and easily knocked us over.  It was fun.

Swimming at Memere & Pepere's

Isaiah's highlight of the trip was definitely bowling.  At his turn he would chuck the ball down the lane, and turn around and yell "Yeesss! I did it" before he even knew what had happened and then would run back yelling "it's still my turn!"  He was really funny and so carefree.  It was a lot of fun watching him.  He did realize though that it was hard to score 179 like he did on the Wii.  He's also become very comfortable in the water and was trying out some of his new techniques from swim lessons :o)

For his birthday, Samuel got tickets from Donna for the whole family to go to the Naples Zoo.  He loved it.  He was very vocal the whole time.  He is starting to talk so well, I can hardly believe it. When I heard him in the other room counting to 20 and yelling "ready or not, I'm coming!" I was blown away.  My little boy is getting so big.  One thing about Samuel is that no matter where he goes, he makes friends... Every time I turned around, he was talking to someone (and sometimes borrowing their stuff!)

making friends at the zoo

Managed to get someone else's noodle from them...

This is fun!  I love Florida!!

We had very relaxing days that always consisted of swimming, laying in the sun and eating chocolate.  And usually consisted of a nap for Samuel and me (and sometimes Isaiah).  We loved the condo so much that we didn't even go out to eat, we bought groceries and ate in.  It was a much needed and (in my humble opinion) and well deserved break for all of us.  It's been a tough year. 

Oh, that sun feels good



She was there with us... (Des took this picture, isn't she sweet?)



Waiting for the waterfall to turn on!

We are so thankful for those who helped make this trip possible and for all the people I had here in NH working away on Rachel's Playground so that I didn't need to think about it.  The only thought I had about the playground the entire week was "it's going to be awesome!" 

The only problem with going to Florida, was having to come back.  Saturday morning, before we had to go, we went swimming for a couple hours.  I was laying in the hot sun and wanting to stay there forever, but it was time to go.  We left the condo at 1pm, drove 4 hours, had a delay on our flight and finally pulled into our driveway at 1:30am... climbed into bed at 2am and got up at 7am to get to church and announce Rachel's Playground Fundraiser!  I was immediately back to work.  And for some unknown reason, this house is a lot harder to keep clean and seems to make a lot more laundry than the one in FL! 

Reality is hard. I went to the cemetery that Sunday afternoon to visit since I missed Friday.  All the snow was gone again, but her flowers were still there.  Eventually they will take them if I don't move them.  I am not usually creeped out there, but there was a strange guy walking around wearing sunglasses and a black coat (it was almost dark) and he looked like he was on something, stumbling around. He was looking in the windows of the tombs and he just kept moving closer to me even though it was obvious I was visiting.  I got in my van and drove up to the top of the hill and I couldn't get myself to leave.  Rachel is in the ground and yet all I could think was "I'm not leaving my daughter here with this crazy guy"  I watched him from a distance and when he moved past her grave I went back down and sat there.  Apparently I wasn't the only one waiting for him to move away cause someone else got out of his car as soon as he was gone too.  But I cried so hard on the way home... my mother's instinct will not let up and the desire to protect even my baby in the ground is almost enough to totally consume me.  It's the most irrational feeling I've had so far...  and yet it makes perfect sense to me.  I mean, what kind of mother would leave her baby alone with a creepy drunk guy?  I wonder if I'll ever truly come to terms with the fact that she is gone...to be honest, I don't want to.  I want her here.

Selective Hearing

Yesterday I went out to rake a bit in my yard and decided it was time to take down Rachel's Christmas lights.  I still haven't taken down the "hope" star that I hung on my door the day before her birthday... I just can't yet. 

Different subject: There is something that happens quite frequently in the Aube home...  the kids wake in the night and yell for Daddy.  Sometimes I wonder why they don't want Mama... and then I just thank God for two things, one being that I can stay in bed and the other being that I have a husband who will get out of bed to take care of the kids in the night.  Plus, I think the reason they don't yell Mama is cause I don't move very quickly when I'm asleep!  They're smart. :o)

I want to give you the background to what I'm about to try to explain...  I went out last Tues to sort yard sale stuff and my friend Mel picked me up.  When we got back, we sat in the driveway and talked for a while.  I saw Matt shut the lights off around 11pm and go to bed, but didn't think anything of it... until I tried to get in and the doors were locked.  I didn't have my keys cause I got a ride and so I started knocking... which turned to banging... which turned to the neighbors yelling at me 10 minutes later because I was "BEING LOUD!" when he still had not come to let me in.  I'm wanting to dump cold water on him at this point cause I can't for the life of me figure out why the neighbors can hear me and he can't...  we don't have a big house and I even went to the front door so that the sound would travel up the stairs.  By the time he came to the door, I was pretty upset.

So, this morning at 3:30 am, after I had gone to the bathroom (nightly trips now thanks to baby)  I heard Samuel softly say "Daddy" and before I could even register in my mind that he had said it, Matt leaped out of bed and was in their room in about 3 seconds flat.  But he can't hear me pounding on the door??  I questioned. (apparently still not over this)  and he came back with Samuel in his arms and gently laid him next to him and they both went back to sleep.  I, of course, was now wide awake and couldn't fall back asleep.  So over the next two hours, Isaiah woke up and the second his toe hit the floor, Matt sat to attention and diappeared into Isaiah's room.

Now, you should know this is not the first time this has ever happened... this is a daily thing in our house.  The boys wake up way too early and practically every day, I am awoken from a sound sleep and startled because Matt will jump out of bed, as if there's a bad guy in our house or a fire, all because he heard a soft shuffle and knew one of the boys was trying to make their way towards the stairs or was about to wake their brother up...  I just don't get it, sometimes I'm convinced he needs a hearing aid, but this type of stuff blows that theory right out of the water.  He can hear, just only when the kids call... even when he's asleep! 

This morning when I saw him come back to bed with Samuel, I couldn't help but compare it to our relationship with God.  When our Father in heaven hears one of his children call his name, he doesn't hesitate to run to us and provide what we need.  God responds this way for His children because that's what a Good Father does.  And He is good.  However, I don't believe He reacts the same way to the voice of a child that doesn't belong to Him.  And He knows who belongs to Him. I'm sure Matt wouldn't be leaping out of bed for the voice of someone else's child.  Heck, he can't hear me pounding on the door!  But somehow, he knows when one of his own moves in the night... somehow he can hear when they need him... somehow he knows when they are moving towards danger or disobedience.  And he is always right there... he doesn't miss a beat.

As I thought about this in the early hours of the morning, God reminded me again that He hears me... I don't have to bang, all I have to do is quietly whisper "Daddy" and there He is.  He knows when I'm in danger, He knows when I need to be carried to rest in His arms.  He knows when I'm moving towards disobedience.  And being the Good Father He is, He comes to my side and gives me what I need.  Sometimes He carries me in His arms, sometimes He disciplines me, sometimes He calms my fears... but He is always there.

As a woman who grew up without a Daddy in my life, I am so grateful that my children are learning what our amazing God is like through their earthly Daddy.  I've heard it said that children will come to know their God and His love by how their Dads treat them and love them and I know my children are getting an amazing example of Who God is.  He is far from perfect, but they never have to wonder if he'll be there... they never have to question if he loves them... they know that he takes their walk with God very seriously and they know that they can trust him.  If they grow up knowing that God loves them, will always be there and will never settle for a luke-warm relationship with them and that He is trustworthy... what more could I ask for?

And so, I guess I'm okay with taking a back seat for my kids... it's what mom's do, right?  Unfortunately for me, by the time they move out, he probably will need a hearing aid for real...so he may never hear me knocking on the door or calling to him from the other room.  But my Father does... and He won't ever need a hearing aid.  As a matter of fact, with Him, I don't even need to say it out loud. 
I'm so grateful that I'm His child.

This is the confidence which we have before Him, that,

if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

1 John 5:14

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.

Matthew 7:7

"It" is Messy

"It" always seems to get me where I'm least expecting it.  Sometimes it's while I'm driving or at a stop light... sometimes it's when I'm eating lunch or doing dishes... sometimes it's when I am just waking up or late at night when I'm trying to go to sleep...sometimes it's when I see one of my other kids do something really precious or even when one of them does something that makes me afraid for their lives (that's usually Isaiah).  Sometimes it's when I think of the past and sometimes it's when I think of the future.  Sometimes it's when I look in the mirror.  I can't escape it no matter how much I want to and I can't control it no matter how much I try.  It doesn't always look the same so it can be hard to recognize. Sometimes I just don't see it coming.

Today "it" got me when I was cleaning up after dinner...  I started picking up stuff on the table so I could wash it and saw a big envelope from my old doctor.  I didn't recognize it and don't know how it got on the table so I opened it.  I looked through a page or two and then realized what it was.  It was Rachel's diagnosis in writing... my ultrasound reports from August 4th and 5th.  As I read down through all the check points (heart, lungs, kidneys, umbilical cord)  that they confirmed were all "normal" I smiled with a proud Mama smile... she was so strong,  I thought.  And then came the last one...

Report Summary: Absent fetal cranium, consistent with anencephaly.

This is obviously not new news... and yet it felt like the first time I had heard it.  I stood there with my wet rag still in hand and I started sobbing and within seconds my legs gave out and I had to sit down.  I cried and cried and cried some more...  and the table is still dirty hours later.

It got me again.... why can't it just leave me alone?

I take it back...

Well, I'm sad to say that I had the wrong number as my goal and we're actually still $438 off (only because at the same time I was figuring this out, one of you amazing readers donated another $200!  Thank you!!)  But anyway, I was off... plus Rachel's sign ended up costing $700 and we found out this week that we need to put in a french drain and I'm not even sure how much that costs, I think only a couple hundred.  So, we're still off approximately $1400.

I am confident that God is going to provide this.  He has yet to fail me where Rachel is concerned and, like I told my playground team today, I think He got the deal out of the trade.  Not that I don't love playgrounds or anything...

What a roller coaster this is!

A Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Rachel.  Matt & I were away at a Marriage Conference in Portland (go figure...Portland)  That morning, they had the husbands go into one room and the wives into another for a special speaker for each.  I remember sitting there thinking, I'm not just one right now.  I'm not here alone.  And as the reality of the fact that we would never again be just a family of 5 set in, my heart grew with joy and excitement.

So today is Palm Sunday.  Ironically this day usually comes closer to the 9th or 10th, but this year it falls on a very special day.  Our Palm Sunday Service at church consists of a short sermon on what baptism is and why we do it and then dozens of people get baptised.  It's always an amazing day and today was no exception.  With each person who went under the water, we were reminded of Christ's death and resurrection... and what my heart longs to be reminded of every day since Rachel died... Jesus overcame the grave.  His and Rachel's.  That is a reason to rejoice!

I wasn't sad today for the reasons I thought I would be.  I thought about Rachel just as much as I always do; constantly.  But the reason my heart was heavier today was because there are so many people I love who don't believe in Jesus....and I can't do anything about it no matter how much I want to.  What do you do when you lose people you love and on top of it you don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are in heaven?  That's the only thing that brings me comfort with Rachel...  And so today more than grieving Rachel, I'm grieving what I want for my other loved ones and the fact that I can't give it to them.

At the end of church we finished up the last fundraiser for Rachel's Playground.  We still have a bunch of people who haven't returned their money and even still, we are now $175 over our goal!  This is great news because this week, we found out that we need to put in a french drain which wasn't factored in and that will help with that.  I am hoping that that if there are enough donations, the memorial sign will be able to be included.  I had originally planned on paying for it myself and so didn't include it in the total, but if it can be considered part of the project, that would be better since we are... well, broke.  I was trying to find a cooler way to say that, but it is what it is and I'm okay with that.  It's a small sacrifice to be with my kids. I'd give the rest of what we have to be with Rachel. We are poor where money is concerned, but rich in Christ.  And I know He'll provide Rachel's sign.  He hasn't failed me yet.

We decided today would be a perfect day to bring Rachel her new garden bench that Donna got for us.  I got it personalized with most of what will be on her actual headstone and when that comes in, we'll be able to move the bench here to our garden so that we have a special spot for Rachel here too.  It is absolutely beautiful.  We went to Rachel's grave and removed the other stuff that shouldn't be there anymore.  I have mixed feelings about moving forward in this...  to some degree it has been really good for me to have to care for her grave so much.  I want to nurture her so bad.  And there is a part of me that as much as it hurt, when I look at the pictures from our first trip or two to the cemetery,  I miss that she seemed closer then.  And God did too.  With each new step I take in this direction, both of them feel further away...

And still I somehow find the strength to take each step and make the most of it.  God is not as far away as He seems, He is always right there giving me what I need to continue to heal.  However long that may take.

I tucked the flowers underneath and put the solar light next to it
The grass is finally getting green!

I just had to at least leave the pinwheel...  Isn't Des pretty? 
I bet Rachel would have looked like her.

See the little bow on the ground?  That's my palm that I got at church today.
The kids wanted to tie it in a bow and leave it for their sister.

Well, I made it through the first of many anniversaries.  I know this day is obviously an easier one than her birthday will be, or the day we found out she had anencephaly, but it is still a day that forever changed my heart, my life and the world.  The day Rachel Alice Aube presented us with two pink lines.  The day God let us in on the miracle He was knitting together, perfectly, in my womb.  The day I started making plans for a baby and child that would never come to be.  The day my heart grew the extra space that can never be filled with anyone else but Rachel.  2010 held so many blessings that I will be left to grieve in 2011 and for years and years to come.  But I would do it all over again.  She is worth every ounce of heartache.

I miss you pretty girl....Keep dancing in His love.

Rachel's Yard Sale!

Are you ready for this??!!

I wanted to give you the follow up for how the yard sale went. Last night at 6:30, Matt told me he had to work today.  I ended up meeting Megan there at 6am and went home to get the kids so Matt could leave for work and then went back with them around 9am.  They did great and Tara watched them out back for me.

We had people stopping at 6:05 am trying to shop!  I made them all wait (my marketing scheme to create a sense of urgency) :o)  and when we opened up, it was a mob scene for hours straight!  It was very cold today so I just looked up the temp so I could tell you and it was....♥43♥ degrees...  a good number in my book, but really cold for a yard sale!

Along with Megan & I were:  Karen, Donna, Denise, Sylvia, Amanda, Tara, Melissa S and Niki. We received a TON of great donations from people at Grace (our church) as well as the parents at Megan's Daycare Center, which is where we had the sale.

Me, Des, Isaiah, Donna & Megan

We made $765.10 today!! And that is not including the 15% that one of the Daycare parents will be giving us off the total orders she received on the "Thirty-One" bags she sells.  We are now just a few hundred away from what we need.  Praise God!

The rain held off and the day was a lot of fun. It was my pleasure to share and hear others share with people about why we were having the yard sale - and about the little girl who inspired me to hope. We had one lady buy $7 in items and gave us $100 and said keep the rest. Rachel's life continues to touch people's hearts in a way that brings healing to mine like no other.



Rachel's Display - We actually had quite a few donations
and some possible volunteers for the build day!
The cards in the front got mailed out to our entire congregation (475)
and to our family & friends



Everyone said this hat wouldn't sell, so Donna bought it...
When she left, she donated it back and it sold again!!

Amanda working the "register"

Des & Isaiah eating their hot dogs

This morning at 5:30 while I drove to start working, I thought to myself... There aren't many things that can get me out of bed at this time with a positive attitude.  I thought about how many things I have been able to do with and for Rachel.  The way just knowing her has given me a drive to accomplish so much in her honor.  I came over the hill and there was a pretty pink strip along the horizon.  Just like my girl... a little bit of pink on my horizon...  I looked away for a second and when I looked back, it was gone.  Just like my girl... here and gone before I knew it.  

Towards the end of the yard sale, I had Samuel stand in front of the table so I could take a picture.  As I snapped it I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before.  Samuel got his sweater as a Christmas present from Memere & Pepere Aube...  I have not once paid attention to what it says, but it happens to have a very important number on it...


Rachel's big brother, Sam :o)
(Sylvia in the background) 

I yelled out... Oh my gosh, his shirt says 43! and everyone stopped to look.  I always thought Rachel would live longer.  I never imagined I would be counting minutes...  but those 43 minutes changed the world forever.

I miss my baby.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who donated your items and especially your time to help make this yard sale a huge success! 

With Love & Endless Hope,
Stacy & Rachel ♥

Yard Sale Fundraiser!!

We're having a HUGE yard sale today to benefit Rachel's Playground.  I went over this morning and Megan & I set everything out... we had people stopping at 6:05 am!  If you can come out and support us, please do!  It's at 349 Washington Street in Dover and goes from 8-1.  We have a ton of nice stuff, lots of baby items...swings, play pen, toys, house decor, furniture and much more!  We've been getting donations all week from people at church as well as some of the parents from Megan's daycare... THANK YOU!!!

Any items donated that are not sold today will go to benefit the yard sale that our youth group is doing for their trip to Haiti. 

Pray for us... we're almost there as far as funds go for our girl's playground!  I'll let you know how we do!

Is God really good?

Is God really good?

The day before we left for Florida, after my good ultrasound, I got a lot of "God is good" messages.  You here it said all the time after we get good news or the thing we desired came to be... whether it's a new job we wanted, God's provision with finances, an accident we were protected from or a good ultrasound after losing a baby.  We tend to shout "God is good" from the mountain tops when we're on them.

But what about the valleys?

I was mulling this one over on the Friday before we left as I went to visit my baby's grave again.  It's been a long, hard year with more sorrow than I ever knew could exist in one lifetime.  I wondered what would people's responses be if this baby wasn't okay...what would MY response be?  Would it still be "God is good"?  Or would we be saying "Why, God?"  Would we be doubting He has our best in mind because it's not the answer we want?  Would we question if He really existed or if a "good" God could let something like this happen at all, never mind again?

I was ashamed at my honest feeling about this that day.  I could not honestly say that I would be excited about "God's goodness" if this baby had anencephaly.  I can't say I wouldn't be mad at Him.  I can't say I would believe it was for my best.

So, we're on the plane and I decide to pull out my One Thousand Gifts book... you know what happened as far as the inscription in the front, but I was a few pages in when God spoke to me on my heart issue from the previous day.  The author's sister had been killed when she was very young and on page 14, she says this:

"I wake and put the feet to the plank floors, and I believe the Serpent's hissing lie, the repeating refrain of his campaign through the ages: God isn't good.  It's the cornerstone of his movement.  That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully, love us.

Doubting God's goodness, distrusting His intent, discontented with what He's given, we desire... I have desired...more.  The fullest life.

I look across the farm fields.  The rest of the garden simply isn't enough.  It will never be enough.  God said humanity was not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  And I moan that God has ripped away what I wanted.  No, what I needed.  Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I consider rightly mine: happiest children, marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days.  I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt - what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got - this simply isn't enough.  That forked tongue darts and daily I live the doubt, look at my reflection, and ask: Does God really love me?"

So, I was faced with the question again... What about the valleys?  Do I still believe that God is good?  When I go through pain that I know He could have saved me from, Is He still good?

I mentioned the other day that I had a "talk" with God at the zoo in Naples when I saw the little girl's hat that said "Life is Good" on it with the red heart.  While I waited for the kids to play, I was looking through the pictures on my camera and came to the end of the vacation ones...the next one was of me holding Rachel in the hospital the day after she died.  She was extremely blue and didn't look good.  I was blind to it then, but I look at the pictures now and my heart breaks.  I cannot believe I went through that.  I have pictures of me getting her dressed that day too and they are even harder to look at.  And so, while everyone else was playing at the zoo, my heart was reliving the pain of losing my girl.

As much as I love my life, it doesn't feel "good" to me right now.  I'm just still so sad, it's hard to feel much else.  I wonder if that will ever change.  My heart started to sink as I looked through the pictures and I questioned God about why He couldn't have done this differently.  Why couldn't He have healed her?  Why me?  And then I saw the little girl and her hat.  I have a bumper sticker that says "Life is God" (one "O") and that came to mind... except the version I heard was:

God is God.

He is good, but more than that, He is God.  What goes on in my life is not about me no matter how much it feels like it is.  It's all about Him.  And everything that happens to me is for my good and His glory.  Everything.  The goodness that has been revealed to me these past 9 months is that no matter how much pain I have to endure because of the sin in this world, God continues to hold me through it.

I found myself humming this song:

Jesus, Lover of my Soul

It's all about You, Jesus

And all this is for You

For Your glory and your fame

It's not about me

As if You should do things my way

You alone are God

And I surrender to your ways

Jesus, lover of my soul

All consuming fire is in Your gaze

Jesus, I want you to know

I will follow you all my days

For no one else in history is like you

And history itself belongs to you

Alpha and Omega, You have loved me And I will share eternity with You

This video has the song on it...

I went to visit Rachel this afternoon - 19 weeks without her... On the way the lady on the radio was saying "hey moms, I don't know about you, but when I had my baby, I just wanted to hold her.  I didn't want to put her down."   If she only knew,  I thought to myself as I made my way to the cemetery. 

I pulled up to a tiny grave still without grass,

my broken heart still aching to hold her. 

But God is still good.

I surrender to His ways.

The number keeps going down!

A company called Superior that Learning Structures works with has donated all the items that we need from them... $876 worth!!  And I got another $104 donation on the donate button on my blog today... 

Down another $980.00!!

And to think that 3 weeks ago, I was worried.  We have gone from being about $10,000 off to being about $1100 off in just 3 weeks!  God has His hand in this for sure.  I am so grateful.

Rachel's Playground is Almost Paid For!

I got a call from church today to tell me I got another donation...  It was from one of my favorite people in my family (I won't say who in case he doesn't want me to) and it was for $2,000!  My heart melted again.  He's the one who although I don't see him much, he's always around.  He remembers the kids at every birthday and at Christmas and shows up for everything he can, but sits quietly in the background.  Just his presence brings me great comfort and a huge smile to my face.  And for as often as I think of him with love, I am certain he does the same of me.  The dollar amount isn't what tells me that...it's the way he has always consistently been there - even from far away. 

A Pleasant Surprise

I brought Isaiah to school this morning and was surprised to see that on the parent board there was a picture of Rachel's Playground from the paper and a big sign that said "Donate a dollar to the Rachel Alice Aube Memorial Playground".  I thanked the teacher for putting it up and she said that her high school students (he goes to the vocational school where the high school students learn hands-on how to teach pre-school) were going to go to the lunch room with buckets and fund raise for Rachel's Playground.

I was so blessed that teenagers were taking the initiative to help us with Rachel's Playground and that all the kids in the local public high school would be hearing about my precious daughter today.   I pray that some of them will look for her story and find Jesus there.  I cried the whole way to music lessons at the thought of the fact that people are still remembering her.  Nothing makes me more proud than to know that she continues to change the world.  I'm pretty sure that will never end.

She is amazing.  Tonight I'm really missing her little hands...

Mixed Emotions

I went for my ultrasound today at the doctors to follow up from the first one.  I wasn't nervous at all going into this one since I had the last one at Options go well.  It was still in the back of my mind though that baby measured 6 days small the last two times, just like Rachel had.  I can tell myself a million times a day that everything will go okay, but at the end of the day I'm still a mother who lost a baby and I know it can happen to me. 

When we were in Florida, I woke up having a nightmare that I was losing the baby and got up to go to the bathroom and found that I was spotting.  I can't help but compare everything to my journey with Rachel...and I had mulitple dreams that she was going to die long before I knew it was true.  I have come to a place where I just say "okay, God" and keep going (or in this case, went back to sleep) but it sadly feels almost like a defeated surrender...instead of a happy surrender - if that makes any sense.  I guess I'm still waiting for the ball to drop...

So anyway, a couple minutes into my scan, I said "I know this might sound strange, but can you tell if the baby has a head?"  to which she shifted her body akwardly and said "it... has a head...  what do you mean like is it anencephalic?"  I said yes and told her that my daughter had anencephaly and then she remembered who I was... "oh, that's right, I'm so sorry"  and in my protective Mama way I told her "don't be, she was awesome."  So she looked a little more and pointed out the baby's brain and said "well, you can see here that the brain is developing"

I started crying and didn't stop for about an hour or more... I blubbered like a baby and told her "I am ashamed to say that I have never fully appreciated my children like I should have.  I never went to an ultrasound wondering if my baby had a head...that was a given in my mind... I just wanted to know girl or boy.  I never thought I would have a baby without a head.  I never thought in a million years I would go through this." 

She told me it's still too early to see fully if his/her cranium is all there, but that as of this gensational age (which by the way was moved up to 8 weeks 5 days,putting my due date exactly on track! - I guess I take it back, I wasn't wrong about my cycle!!) :o) the baby looks great.  The heartbeat was 167, which according to old wife #1, that's a girl :o)  Rachel's first one was 163.

Here (s)he is...

(s)he was doing some twists and turns (but only has little nubs for arms and legs right now) and looked like it's definitely following in big sister's footsteps with the dance moves.  I was laughing through my tears watching this little miracle dance around.  I can't believe how much a baby can grow in a week and a half.

I left and sobbed the whole way home.  I was teetering between happiness that my baby has a brain and sadness that I even have to ask the question, does my baby have a head?  I hate that I know the pain of hearing "no".  I hate that hearing that my baby has a brain is a relief.  I hate that it doesn't just make me happy....instead it makes the reality of what has happened to Rachel even more real.  I spent most of the ride home crying so hard I had to catch my breath.  I know I was happy that this is good news for now, but I can't help but wish it could have been this way for Rachel too.  I caught myself appologizng to Rachel as if I could have done anything to change it... as if being here on this earth is better... as if she is the one who suffered.  None of those things are true, and yet I feel guilty that I couldn't have this with her.

Every time I heard the words in my mind "you can see the baby's brain" I cried harder.  And every time I told someone "they could see the baby's brain" I cried even harder.  I came home with a red puffy face and couldn't even say anything to my sister (who was babysitting) except "I'm not crying cause anything's wrong" - saying everything is good is scary...saying the baby has a brain in an excited tone feels wrong.  It almost feels like I'm dishonoring Rachel to desire something that she wasn't.  (here I go again trying to put words to a feeling that is impossible to describe.) 

Anyway, I could go on and on and probably not make any more sense of it so I'll just say that today was a day of serverely mixed emotions.  I am so grateful for good news.  I am still so sad about Rachel.  I've been walking the fine line of grief and joy for a long time now (since August) and I'm getting weary.

Playground Info

We've started a fundraiser at church that has already brought in $1470 and we still have 2 weeks to go!  Plus, Learning Structures was able to get a company out of California that they work with called Pacific Fibre to donate the cargo net and that saves us another $575!  So, we're down another $2,045 this week!!  Praise God!  He is bringing the details together.  We still need more volunteers to help with the build - let us know if you're interested.

We're having a meeting tonight.  If you can join us, please do!!

♥ Rachel ♥

You may have noticed that I've been less consistent with my posts this week...  we were actually away on vacation!  And that may pose the question, you were blogging on vacation?  and no, I wasn't....I scheduled all those posts ahead of time :o)  OCD at it's finest :o)

So, back in October we had to cancel our trip to Florida because I had a really quick build up of amniotic fluid and the Dr recommended I didn't fly.  I'm not usually good at listening to the doctor, but the amount of pain I was in scared me and so we reluctantly canceled last minute.  It was a hard decision because the night we found out Rachel had anencephaly, I listened to Todd & Angie Smith's story and they had gone to Disney World while Angie was carrying Audrey and it was a great memory for their children to have gone there with their sister while she was still alive.  At the end of the broadcast, through tears, I looked at Matt and said "We can bring her to Disney World".  This statement meant more than just going to Disney... it was the moment that I pulled up my big girl pants and decided to not waste a second with my girl.   I'm so thankful that came so quickly for me.  God was very gracious to me in that.

I have lots of things to share about our trip, but tonight I'm just going to share this one and I will have to post more later... apparently my pregnancy sickness has kicked in full force and I'm not only totally exhausted, but I'm also gagging and dry heaving constantly.  it's fun.

As we prepared to go to Florida, my heart hurt to know that I would be going without Rachel.  After lots of packing and hard work we finally loaded the plane with our 3 little ones who were all smiling ear to ear to be on a plane.  The plane began to pick up speed and Isaiah and Des both giggled as we watched out the window.  Isaiah started saying... "we're going fast... this is fun!..."  and as the plane took to the air he yelled as loud as can be "We're flying!!  This is AWESOME!!"  Me, being the sap I am, started crying happy tears watching their excitement.  And then as the ground started to look more like a map, he said "Look, Mama, I can see Rachel's grave!"  and my tears immediately turned to sadness.  Sadness because Rachel has a grave and sadness because my little boy thinks about it.   Everyone around us was laughing at his reaction to the take off....but their laughter stopped when he said that and they don't even know who Rachel is.

I looked at the seat in front of me and noticed it had a heart in the middle of the wings (obviously Southwest's logo, but I had never noticed) and I thought "a piece of my heart grew wings and flew away too"  I took a picture, because that's what I do :o)

A little while into the flight, I decided to start reading a book that a blog friend sent me a while ago called One Thousand Gifts.  I have looked through this book a BUNCH of times and never noticed that she wrote in the front of it.  But the timing of finding it couldn't have been more perfect....

OK, is it just me, or are those hearts amazingly similar to the ones on the seat?  Oh, and they just "happen" to be around Rachel's name... and I just "happened" to notice them months after receiving the book after I just thought about Rachel when I looked at the seat.  I love "coincidences" like that!  God is so good to me.  I started crying again because it was as if God was letting me know that she is with me on this trip.

But wait, it gets better... 

So, we stopped at a gas station and this girl next to us had a red heart, the same size, COLORED on her arm in red marker.  Yes, this is strange considering she was in her 20's, but hey, I used to draw faces on my stomach and make them talk.... I was tempted to take a picture, but I resisted - not sure she would've liked that one! 

Then we got to the condo we were staying at and I opened the fridge (what else would a pregnant girl check out at a gorgeous condo in Florida?)  and almost pooped my pants when I saw what they had left for us

That's right, a big red heart...

And then at the zoo.... there was a little girl running around with a pink hat on - with you guessed it, a red heart on it...it was a "life is Good" hat.  I had to let the photo op go on this one too...her mom probably would have thought I was a nut case.  (I'll have more on this later cause I had quite a moment with God over the "life is good" topic while sitting in the zoo's playground - I'm trying hard to stay on topic here!) 

When we returned home last night a little before 2am.  I was severely sick by this point.  13 hours of travel with 3 kids and in the worst stage of pregnancy... I was putting all my effort into not throwing up my vitamins when I saw Matt glancing at the mail.  I had put a stop on it and didn't think we'd have any until Monday.  If you know me, you know I LOVE mail... and I saw a pink envelope.  The detective in me told me that was a card for me... I went out and asked him for it and looked to see who it was from...brace yourselves...

Check out the return "address"...  An anonymous letter from a girl (I think) who said she has wanted to donate towards Rachel's Playground for some time and is a college student with no money.  She said she got some money from her Grandmother and the first thing she thought of was Rachel and sent $10 with it.  I took one look at the heart and said "Do you see this?!!"  and Matt just smiled and said "take a picture". 

I got to church late this morning and walked in just as they were singing the song with these lyrics:

Your love is deeper than my view of grace

Higher than this wordly place

                                      Longer than this road I travel  <--(this one got me this am)

Wider than the gap you've filled.

Your love is deep, Your love is high

Your love is long, Your love is wide.

Who shall separate Us? Who shall separated us from your love?

Nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus.

Nothing can separate us from your love

And what was on the screen?  It was a photo of this written in the sand...just like we did with Rachel's name.  (I wrote it on paper to show you since I didn't have my camera with me :o) )

He was reminding me that in Rachel - in every daisy, tulip and heart... He is there.  They are His love notes to me to encourage me and bring me hope in this valley.  They remind me of His great love for me and for Rachel.  They remind me that He hasn't forgotten me and that He knows I still hurt.  

It also reminded me of the day I arrived at Rachel's grave to find this:

( I still don't know who wrote it...)

I almost don't like to try to put these things into words because it's hard to do it justice.  All I can say is that this was a trip Rachel was supposed to be on with me and she was.  I was SO sad that I wasn't able to make it to her grave on Friday; the first one in 18 weeks I have not been there.  I packed her blanket in my carry-on just in case they lost my luggage.  I hold on to her in any way I can.  This week I realized nothing can separate us. As a believer in Christ, I KNOW I will be with her again. A piece of my heart went with her and she filled it's place. She is with me...and thanks to our amazing Lord, someday I'll see her again. As her mother, the only thing better than knowing that is to know that she is with Him...in Him... and loved by Him.  With a love that far exceeds my love.  It's deeper, higher, longer, wider...  nothing can separate her from His love.  What more could I want for her?  That makes my heart smile, even while my eyes shed tears.

Thank You!!

Thank you to everyone who placed a bulb order for Rachel's Playground.  The fundraiser was a huge success.  These people purchased $1470 in flowers and raised $735 for Rachel's Playground!!  Thank you all for your love!  I know you could have bought bulbs from anywhere and that considering the ground is still all snowy, you're not thinking about planting flowers right now!  I am honored that you want to support us and plant flowers in Rachel's memory...I hope to see pictures of your flowers when they come up!   I hate when I don't send out thank you's because this deserves a "thank you", but I am stretched so thin right now, I'm cheating and doing them all at once! :o)  Thank you!!

Anne A.
Melissa B.
Meagan M. (my sister)
Niki H.
Nicole O.
Sarah L.
Jean P.
Melissa S.
Donna W.
Melissa C.
Melissa P.
Mary B.
Kathleen G. (aunt)
Misty A.
Kathryn C.
Josephine M. 
Kathy F. 
Kelli (From Learning Structures!)
Megan O. 
Me :o) 
Brandon M. 
Stephanie M.
Cheryl G.
LISA S. 
Becky H. 
Rachel P. (mom) 
Judy R 
Lauren P. 
Bridget R.
Kathy B.
Denise S.
Belinda L.
Karen M.
Jill H.
Linda B.
Christina L.
Trina C.
Cindy B.
Alice G.
Valerie J.
Christine D.
Vicki P.
Nancy S.
Tienne W.
Terri T.
Cheryl H.

With all my love and endless hope!
Stacy & Rachel <3

It's Someone's Birthday!!

It's my niece's birthday today and since I won't see her...(and it's a tradition that every birthday gets a song - literally singing :o) )

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday Dear Jailyn!!  Happy birthday to you!!

We love you!

Squeezing you to pieces!
Uncle Matt, Auntie, Des, Isaiah, Sam, Rachel & Baby

It was my pleasure

Today is 4/3

It is 4 months since we first laid eyes on our precious Rachel Alice Aube. 
4 months since we were blessed with 43 minutes with her. 
4 months since we had to say goodbye.
4 months since my heart was forever changed by a sweet little girl
who never made a sound.

These past 4 months have been the hardest of my life.  The most heart wrenching pain and the deepest sorrow I have ever felt; one I never knew existed... one I hope to never feel again.

These past 4 months have been the most life changing, the most beautiful, the closest I've ever been to God.
I found a strength in Christ that I had never discovered before. 
I found a love so unconditional and so deep for my baby that nothing could shake it.

If I could go back to before this journey started, knowing what I know now.. the good, the bad and the ugly...  and was given a choice to walk this path, or go an easier one...

I can honestly say that I would not pass up the opportunity
of being Rachel Alice's mama.  

It was my pleasure to carry her
It was my pleasure to give birth to her
It was my pleasure to walk her straight to the arms of Jesus
It has been my pleasure to suffer for her, and for God.

I am honored that God chose me
I would do it all over again.
For her, for Him.
And selfishly, for me.

Because seriously, have you looked at her?



Right before we left to go meet her... I miss the days when she was with me
I came across this tonight, but noticed that Isaiah's shirt was perfect :o)



 She was perfect.  Just the way she was meant to be and loved more than words can express.
Miss you sweet girl

Prayer Needed

Please Pray for Josie (my friend from the UK) and her husband Marlon and their baby Theo.  She is going in to be induced today and Theo has anencephaly.  Today is going to be a day filled with the peace of God.  Beauty, Sorrow and all.  Pray that they get lots of time with their precious son and that the peace that passes understanding will surround them in the coming days and weeks. Thank you.

Belated Birthday Wishes

I'm sorry I'm late, but I wanted to acknowledge the March babies that I know of... I pray that these days were filled with God's blessing and peace for all of you. 

Owen - 3/8/10 - 7/8/10
Mackenzie - 3/27 - 4/3/09
Carleigh McKenna - 3/28/09
Baby Corbett 3/17/10

And also thinking of those of you who suffered miscarriages...

Lisa lost her baby Makenna Stephen on 3/24/01
Autumn lost her baby in 3/08


Love & endless hope,
Stacy

The Groundhog is Fired

55 degrees out a couple days ago and today... a snow storm.  I noticed it had started on my way to bed last night and this morning we already had about 6 inches and it was still coming down.  It's kind of depressing.  A snow storm in the spring...

Is the winter ever going away?

Today is April 1st.  It's also Friday.  That means it's been 17 weeks without my girl and is my day to visit her, but it also means that it's the day the cemetery wants all items other than headstones removed from the graves so they can get the grounds prepared for when they have to start mowing. 

I can tell you one blessing about this crazy winter...  it's keeping her grave decorated while she is yet to get a stone.  If she was born in the summer, I would have still had to wait months for her stone, but I wouldn't have been allowed to decorate her grave like I have.  It's the only way I can still nurture her and I'm glad to have that opportunity.  Now that it's snowing on April 1st, I doubt they will be doing spring cleaning today and so I am able to leave her stuff there a little longer. 

Her stone won't be set until some time in May, but my friend Donna bought us a beautiful garden bench that is engraved with the same things that will be on her headstone to put there in the meantime and then to bring to our garden at home once her stone comes.  Normally that isn't allowed, but I called the cemetery and they gave me permission to only have the bench there in the same spot her stone would go.  The bench hasn't come in yet either and I was sad thinking she would have nothing there for a week, but the snow just solved that problem!

I did take some of her flowers home cause the weight of the wet snow messed them up.  It's ironic to see a "think spring" sign in a snow storm... apparently we're not going to think our way to nice weather, believe me I've tried!

I didn't stay long today, it was cold and I have a ton going on at home.  And I already know I can't go next Friday, which will be the first Friday in 18 weeks I don't go.  I apologized in advance, as if she's concerned with that.  I wonder sometimes if (since she has everything she'll ever need or desire in heaven) she even notices I'm there.  I don't know that her spirit is really concerned with earthly things.  Honestly, as her mother, I am glad that she doesn't miss me; that she doesn't long for me like I do for her.  I would never want my daughter to feel that much pain.  But oh, how my heart so longs for her to just know I haven't forgotten her. 

We got home from our visit and the kids went to play outside.  This is the first time they have ever made a snowman on their own and they did a pretty good job!  You can tell it's a "spring snowman" because it's got dirt all over it!  So, even in the middle of a ridiculously long winter (which kind of matches my feelings anyway) there are blessings.  Who would have ever thought my kids would make their first snowman in April?

Isaiah's a goofball

I've heard it said that no matter how long the winter, spring is sure to return.  I am actually more convinced that it applies to my heart than the weather right now!  But I've also heard that long winters make for beautiful flowers in the spring...  so once again, the hard road leads to beauty. 

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you

1 Peter 5:10

Still a Memory

Tonight, I am feeling a little sad.  I was very busy all day and night (usual).  Had another playground meeting tonight and then came home and worked on it some more.  It's so time consuming, which is hard, but in a way it's what I use to keep myself going.

I was getting ready for bed tonight and stopped to look at the article on my fridge "Playground to be built in memory of Baby Rachel."  I looked at it again...in memory...  I started crying.  I sometimes cannot believe that my baby is gone.  I can't believe I held a baby that belonged to me in my arms and had to let her go.  I just can't believe it.  I can't believe I watched her die.  I can't believe I had to pick out her burial stuff and a grave while she danced in my belly.  It really is hard to believe.  Or maybe this is denial...

So, anyway, tonight at the meeting  I had brought up a fear I had about Rachel's Playground fund and asked that if anyone was going to spend anything out of it, that they run it by me first.  I know it sounds obvious, but I felt like I needed to say it now that we're coming up on the time to start spending what I've been saving for months now.  (the money is all in an acct at my church)  Everyone kinda looked at me like I was nuts and making a foolish remark.  Tonight I was thinking about it and trying to figure out why, if I trust them to use it wisely and know that they all have the same goal in mind, does it worry me?  And contrary to popular belief, it's not just because I'm a control freak, although I don't deny that to be a part of my personality.. (usually concerning my kids, so I guess that makes sense here)  But, I don't honestly believe it's that.  If that was it, I wouldn't bring the money all there, I would just hold onto it myself and give it out as needed.  I had people send donations there because I trust them.  I do.

I realized tonight that the money is so much more than dollars to me.  I realized it when I heard myself say in response to their comments "well, it's Rachel's money and it's all I can do for her"  - the important part here is "it's all I can do for her"...  I hang on to what little I can do to still protect my girl.

When people came to my baby shower, knowing Rachel would die and donated over $1600 towards a playground that we had no idea where it would end up going... it said to me that Rachel was important. That her life mattered... that I wasn't alone.

When I got numerous donations after the benefit concert that my family put on for my uncle Dale and Rachel, from people I never had met... it said to me that Rachel was touching the hearts of many... that her story was moving and that people we didn't even know loved us....that I wasn't alone.

When we got donation after donation "in lieu of flowers" after her funeral,  letters from people all over the country, poems from people in jail, cards with Rachel's name on them... I would fall to my knees in tears and thank God for what He had done with her life and for allowing me to be part of it.  With each dollar I received, it said to me that her death didn't go unnoticed.  That she mattered to hundreds, thousands of people...  that I wasn't alone.

Just this week when we got the $1,000 donation and I read the words she wrote: (this is part of it)

"I read your blog every day, and often visit multiple times in one day. You are in my thoughts daily, and my prayers. I think of Rachel just as often and her cute little face and cheeks..... I'm praying for your new baby! I wish I could say all the things in my heart, how amazing you are, how blessed your little family is to have you, how amazed I am with the man and father Matt, your beautiful kids, I could go on and on....."

And as much as I was excited about the money, the part that mattered to me was that she cares about us.  She cares about me, she cares about Rachel... that she knows by my blog that my husband is amazing.  This donation didn't just make me say "yay, we're closer to what we need for $"  this donation said to me "what you've done with and for your little girl is honorable."  I read this and I knew that even 4 months later, Rachel is on people's hearts... she is still changing the world.

I got a $100 donation from someone after Rachel died, but it was someone who had made it very clear that she didn't care about me or Rachel shortly after that, and I threw the check away.  This playground is much more to me than a project.  And every dollar that gets spent on it will be one filled with love for her.  I don't care if I have to come up with the difference myself.  My daughter's playground is not about the money... money can come from anywhere, but only some are capable of the love she deserves.

And so, the time has come to start letting that money be spent.  I know it's going to a playground, but it's a playground that will really belong to someone else.  I'm taking all the money that hundreds of people have poured out in love for Rachel and I'm building something that doesn't belong to us.  Something that other people may break, something that some people will call the church's playground, and something I have no control over.  And what did I expect?  I said in August that I wanted to build her a playground.  I know I didn't decide until much later that it would be at Grace, but I knew it would cost money and I knew it might break or that it might not be called "Rachel's". 

My fear of her being forgotten has yet to let up.  My main concern from our first meeting with our pastor about the potential of building it there, was that it be something that we donate to the church in her name, not that the church builds and I put her name on it.  I wanted it to be "Rachel's" and the only way it's "Rachel's" in my mind is if everyone knows that it was money given for her in HER acct.  There have been a few comments along the way that have played into my fear, but ultimately, it's just me being over protective in the only way I can for her.. making sure she isn't forgotten and that everyone knows why that money sits in that acct.  I want it to be recognized as hers, because it is.  Sounds foolish to some of you, I'm sure.  But, I'm just being honest.

I remember at her funeral saying over and over to people who came up to me at the end "now what am I gonna do??"  and I followed it up with "I'm gonna build a playground"  because while I'm busy, it's easier to not get sad.  I spent months planning her birthday and it was beautiful. I spent months preparing her funeral... and it was perfect.  I've been working on her playground ever since and it's going to be amazing.  But what am  I gonna do then?? 

At the end of it all, my daughter is still a memory.

I'd let people spend that money anyway they want without ever telling me a thing for just another moment with her.