Rachel's Ark Update

This morning was a wet one...  I got to the church and the guys & girls out there were not just wet, they were drenched!  It was pouring for a while.  Here is what it looked like when I got there (with a few extra tents not in pic)

I stood there taking pictures of everyone.  All I could think was 'I can't believe all these people are taking the day off of work and working for free in the pouring rain for my girl.'  It made me want to cry... but then again, everything today made me want to cry and I did quite a few times.

3 Phase came and used their equipment to dig all our holes!  Got them all done in 2 hours!
THANK YOU!!

I had to do some running around... bring Isaiah to pre-school, bring Des to Tri-City for a field trip, and then stop at the store to pick up some food since one of the food people couldn't make it.  I came back and had to leave 1/2 hour later to pick Isaiah back up.  Came back and had to leave 45 mins later to bring Sam home for a nebulizer treatment cause he is sick (perfect timing!) and was having trouble breathing. (me & him were also up most of the night, literally!)  Buy the time I got back, it was 2:00 and I was exhausted!!  But Sam was too and took a good nap in the nursery.  So, I finally got to do what I wanted to do all day long...help with Rachel's Playground! 

While I was out, I was starting to get really discouraged with how things were going.  I just wanted to be there and be a part of what I have spent months planning for.  Nobody gets that cause she's not their daughter.  If they leave for a while, it's a break. When I got back and could actually help with building, it was really good for my heart.  I'm a do-er... I've never been much of a sit back and watch kind of girl.  And this is not a time I want to try stepping out of my comfort zone.. I need this.  It's for my girl.

We expected around 25 people and had 35.  A crew from a program called Working Success came and helped us clean up the edges of the property.  We got a ton done today and according to Joe from Learning Structures, we're about 2 hours ahead of schedule, which in the playground world is apparently really good!  A couple hours into it, the sun came out, the ground dried up and the day was actually pretty comfortable.  Today was also the National Day of Prayer, so at 12:15 we all gathered to pray.

This is a pic of everyone helping to raise the deck of the ark:

This was another one of my crying moments...  it was a "I can't believe this is really happening" moment.

As the people started to phase out for the night, we were left with just a handful of guys who were working on getting the front and back of the ark up.  I sat off to the side looking at the frame of the ark and my heart was so heavy.  I started crying... I wish this wasn't needed.  They called me over to ask a question on how I wanted something and after I answered, one of the guys, who came from The Journey church to help, came over and said to me "thank you for continuing your pregnancy".  I started to tear up and another friend came over and put his arm around me and I started sobbing.  (I don't think I fit in on a construction site!)  What an emotional day.  He just stood there and didn't say a word until I stopped and then he walked away.  That was about the most perfect comfort I've received in a long time.  You know the phrase - You should tell everyone about Jesus and when necessary, use words -  that's what it means.  It was as if Jesus Himself was giving me a shoulder to cry on.

Soon after, Matt got there from after work and the kids came out to check it out with him.  They are really excited... but leave it to my Isaiah to pick up a big rock and be the first to throw something at it!  ergh.  That kid is like a bull in a china shop! 

Anyway, we're ready to go for another productive day tomorrow and everything except the sign on top of the entry way will be done on Saturday! 

Here's where we are now...

The frame of the ark

Posts for the swings



Th climbing wall is up!



Please pray that I sleep tonight, and that Sam will too.  I'll keep you posted on our progress!

A Sneak Peak - Here We Go!!

I don't have much time to write, need to get some sleep for a busy weekend of building Rachel's Playground!!  But I wanted to share with you some pics I got tonight...  Matt & I invited all our coordinators that have been the major players in this planning process out tonight for dinner.  Mary (volunteer coordinator) & Paul (tool coordinator) couldn't make it and I only got 1/2 a picture of Tim (materials coordinator), but they have played huge roles in getting us to this point.   Dinner was a lot of fun and it was a blessing to be able to hang with these guys and not be all business.  I am officially EXCITED again about the playground and after the turnout at tonight's meeting, am not concerned at all with the number of volunteers we'll have!  The meeting went really well and I even got to meet one of my blog friends, Carrie who I have met through my girl.  Anne (Rose's mom - Rose is Rachel's best friend :o)) was there with her family and  I sat in that room tonight on the verge of tears for how many people are in this with us.  I had my baby loss Mama friends, my friends from church, and people I've never met at all there all supporting us to make this vision a reality. 

It all started when I saw a little boat at a school in Camden Maine on our vacation last September... Rachel was with us then and I looked at it and said "I want to build Rachel an ark".  Matt just nodded. :o)  He's catching on to the fact that when I say I'm going to do something, I'm usually pretty serious :o)  I'm so thankful to God for providing us the people, the money, the energy and determination to make this happen - 3 days from now, we'll be going down a 24 foot slide, two by two!!  I'll keep you posted!!

Denise and her husband Kelly - she has been my extra hands and feet taking on pretty much any and every task I asked of her, including most of the art work for the playground (couldn't open those, but they are awesome! - coming soon).

Naomi (childcare coordinator) and her husband Brent - she has a fun day planned for all the kids coming on Saturday.  They have also been at every meeting providing childcare and setting up for us ahead of time cause we're always running late!  AND these are the two blessings that shoveled Rachel's grave for us all winter long! 

Kelly (food coordinator) showing us her "Hope" Willow Tree that we gave everyone from Rachel.  Kelly is the reason we will all have full bellies (not too full to work hard!) all weekend long!!

That's us...  the blessed parent of Rachel Alice Aube

We had around 40 people at the meeting tonight!  Standing room only, overflow in the hall! 

Denise had sent me pics of the stuff she painted, but I can't upload it for some reason... We have a HUGE giraffe and elephant, a rainbow, and a dove.  The art work you're about to see is what will be the climbing wall in two days.... we will put pegs on it so the kids to climb and there will actually be different inclines so that the little kids can try too!  I hadn't seen these until tonight and was blown away by what a great job they did.  Lisa Grenier and Kelly Lahar painted these... I can't thank you ladies enough - they are BEAUTIFUL! 

Little lambs remind me of Rachel ♥

The panda climbing the giraffe is my favorite part :o)  so cute!

love the butterfly on the zebra's bum - Amelia Grace this is for you!!

And last but not least, We made uniforms for everyone to wear...

43 obviously representing the minutes we were graced with her life here.
It's all for her...

The Legacy she left us with ...  Romans 5:5
It's all for Him...

I cannot wait to see this playground completed!  Stay Tuned!!

Dancing in the Rain

Rachel would have been 5 months old today.  And for her birthday, God gave me a gift.

I hadn't realized what day it was.  I knew the 3rd was coming,  I knew Tuesday was the 3rd, and I knew today was Tuesday, but hadn't put it all together yet, until I got on my blog after I put Sam down for nap and saw my ticker...

"It's been 5 months since we said goodbye"

The fact that it sounds like a long time had me instantly in tears.  How could it have been that much time since I last held and kissed her?  It feel like yesterday.  On the other hand, how can it only have been 5 months when it feels like I've always known her?

I was really upset that I hadn't planned a trip to visit her today and Sam was now asleep so it wasn't something I could really change.  I went outside to re-seed the lawn (aka: keep myself busy so I don't have a meltdown).  If you have been following our journey, you are aware of how God speaks to me in the yard...today was one of those days.

I have often thought of how weeds can represent sin in the outdoors...  growing where you don't want them, when you're not looking or tending to the land... overtaking the space and choking out the beauty of the plants and flowers.  Sin is like that in our hearts... growing while we're unaware and not tending to it, overtaking our hearts and choking out God's beauty in our lives.

Well, last year we did a ton of work to the yard to get grass to grow.  We bought a truck load of loam, seeded, watered, seeded some more, watered some more (water bill was crazy!) fertilized, watered again...  totally baby'd the yard until we had a nice, thick, green lawn that made me smile :o)  Well, we found out about Rachel Aug 4th and all my cares about my lawn went right out the window.  I just couldn't think about it... all I could think about was my baby and my new future.  Within a matter of weeks, the grass withered and the crab grass (weeds!) overtook the yard.  We had bald spots again and what was there was no longer a nice green.  We were back at square one.  Our new baby lawn couldn't handle the battle with the weeds without our help. 

See where I'm going with this?  Why do you have to work so hard to grow grass, but weeds set up shop wherever they want and as fast as can be?

So, today, I was raking the ground to loosen up the soil so the seeds would take.  There was a huge patch of dry, burnt looking 'grass'.  As I raked it, it all started coming up.... in big chunks, roots and all.  I realized it was all the crab grass from last year.  But what really hit me was that after I raked a huge pile of this hay up, I could all of a sudden see the new grass growing.  Without all that dead stuff there, I was able to see that there was in fact green grass growing under the dead weeds.  Until that point, I thought there was nothing live there at all.  As I pulled on each weed, the roots were lifting out without barely any effort at all....  see, because we put the new soil down last year, the weeds had nothing to hold on to because the soil was still soft... the new life however, had no problem growing there - or withstanding my hard rake!  I sounded slightly old and crazy when I heard myself say to the crab grass "could hack the winter, huh?"  This was my sarcastic way of pointing out that the winter had been hard and my pride was in effect over the fact that I'm still alive and the weeds aren't!  Ha!  (No, I'm not on acid right now, in case you're wondering... if you weren't wondering, 86 that)

God spoke to me about a few things while I was discovering all this...  first of all, no matter how dry I feel right now, there is still life under there... somewhere... and as soon as I rake up the dead weeds I will see it again.  I also was reminded about the story of the seeds and soil in the bible.  It talks of 4 different types of soil (representing the condition of peoples' hearts) and what happens to the seed (representing the Word of God) when it falls on that type of soil.  I was reminded again that if I allow my heart to harden, God's Word can not take root there.  If I allow weeds to grow, It will be choked and die.  If I keep my heart soft and pliable, The Word of God can penetrate and grow there...bringing life.  But the other truth in that is that if my heart remains right before God, the weeds may grow, but I will be able to see them for what they are and rip them out without a lot of effort.

So, what am I trying to say?  Well, I feel like I've fallen for another one of the enemy's lies... Believing that I've been dealt a bad hand and that my life will always feel sad and dry.  And it's no surprise that as I'm trying to finish a project where my main goals are to honor Rachel and glorify God that satan would rear his ugly head and try to distract me from what's important.  Not that the things that I've been sad about are not important... they are.  The things people have said that are hurtful, judgemental or just plain thoughtless are not right.  My baby is dead and no mother should need to bear this burden.  There is not a single positive way to look at my situation now or years from now that would make me say "well, I'm just so glad Rachel died... I mean, at least I got to have another baby and we built a playground"  It won't EVER happen.  I've had legitimate reasons to be sad, upset, and disappointed.  But the problem is that it's all I can see right now.  I've lost sight of Jesus in my valley.  He hasn't left me.  He's still holding me.

Today as I raked my yard, God revived my heart and gave me a renewed strength in Him.  I still cried a lot today, but I don't feel defeated like I did last night.  I am still as sad as I could be, but I'm not without Hope.  The rain is still falling, but today I'm dancing in it.  And what better way to celebrate Rachel's 5 month birthday than to dance with her and Jesus?

I REFUSE to let satan convince me that this journey is too hard for my God.  I will NOT let him make me think that Jesus has dropped me and moved onto someone else - no matter how many humans do it to me.  I KNOW that my God will never leave me of forsake me and He cares about EVERY detail of my life.  He loves me with an everlasting love.  He is my strength and HE IS ENOUGH!

Rachel has left a legacy for me of what it means to hope in Jesus...  Just her existence taught me Who God is.  And He is good.  My journey with her taught me that He will never leave me.  It taught me how to surrender totally to His ways and trust Him.  He used her to teach me all these things and bring me closer to Him.  My journey with her made me rich in Christ.  And so while sometimes I feel pretty lonely in this world because most people don't really understand me and my heart breaks daily from the pain of losing my child... I feel like I have been blessed in so many great ways that many will never get the chance to experience and I am thankful for that.

Tonight I will curl up with her blanket and wish it was her, like I do every night of my life, and thank God for the chance to know such an amazing, beautiful soul.  I will thank Him that I get to call myself her mother. And I may even dream of a big green field where the grass is so strong and alive, a weed has never existed there....and since it's most likely in heaven, maybe get to see my girl twirling around in it....maybe I'll be lucky enough to hear her giggle.

Disappointment #3216854321

I've been feeling a breakdown coming on and guess what....IT'S HERE! 

We started working with a guy on Rachel's Headstone well before she was born.  We got the size, the cut and the stone all picked out.  After she was born, we worked on the details as far as wording and I was pretty happy with what we picked....  then.

The kind of stone we wanted had to be shipped from India so it took about 4 months to get it cut and here.  Last I heard, it was in CT and would be there soon.  Well, about 3 weeks ago, I emailed him to tell him I wanted to change a few things... and then forgot about it. 

Until today when I saw that another baby, Karinne Claire, got her stone. (which is beautiful by the way - check out her blog below)  And it dawned on me that I never heard back.  I've been so busy with everything that I forgot to follow up.  I don't know if he got it and he forgot or if he didn't, but either way, I went into a panic.  He had told me that the cemetery was going to be putting the footing down the 2nd week in May and so I was worried he may have already started.  After sending him an email at work and home, I went for the totally obsessive thing to do and had Matt call him at home...

I hung on his words until I heard "Oh, you've already finished it" and I started sobbing - and that was over an hour ago and it's still coming down, just without the deep belly cry now.  I've never heard of a stone place moving so fast!  People wait months to get stones engraved when they already have it in stock normally... but not me, I'm the lucky one who gets the super fast guy.

So, apparently there is an option to send it back out and have the face resurfaced and then re-engrave it... that is more money (which we don't have) and more time (which I'm sick of).

I just want her to have her stone... but I want it to be perfect.  Only problem is that nothing will ever be good enough for my girl.

Can someone please tell me that someday things will get easier??  That maybe something will go right?  Oh, and I won't even get into the fact that she was supposed to be centered above Matt & I and when I went on Friday I was looking at her spot and it pretty much looks flush left to where the stone will go based on spacing between stones.

I'm so tired of one disappointment after another...  It's constant and it's wearing on me.

Standing on my Rock - To see above my valley

My filter is officially gone... 

All it took was one person saying "at least you have some happy news now" after I gave my real answer the "how are you?" question... remember, we've talked about this... people ask, but don't *really* want to know...  well , she asked and I told her "I'm ok, but still sad."  And she said "at least you have some happy news now"

huh?  Yeah, at least.

So, I went on a tangent that sounded something like this: (yes, I know this sounds crazy don't worry, I'm not delusional)  I can write this cause she obviously isn't reading my blog or she would have known how I feel about statements like that.

"Actually, that doesn't make a difference...I can't even say I'm excited about it...and I'm not excited about this playground either (I was standing at the playground table - which by the way, we got a bunch more sign ups today!!) I just can't handle constantly listening to how excited everyone is about it when my daughter is still DEAD.  Everyone thinks cause I'm building a playground and I'm pregnant that it somehow makes me less sad or makes it hurt less that Rachel is gone and it doesn't work that way."

She said she 'didn't think that at all' and immediately shut me down and said she had to leave cause someone was waiting in the car for her.  So, this proves my theory that when people ask "how are you" they don't really want to know and if you try to tell them, make sure it doesn't last more than, say around 45 secs... cause there just isn't time for that.  And try not to say anything that isn't positive cause they don't like that either.  (Just nod and smile at the crazy girl and maybe she'll go away.)  Everyone wanted to talk when I was pregnant with Rachel and would rather not... and now that I want to talk, they don't want to hear it??  It's interesting...

But, not as interesting as the email I got today telling me I needed counseling and sounded suicidal based on last night's post.  (huh?)  Which by the way, I am not in need of counseling and if I was suicidal, I'd be gone already trust me.  Apparently because I 'long for heaven' worries some people.  I would rather long for heaven then not believe there is a requirement to get there and spend eternity in a lake of FIRE.  But hey, everyone has a free will.  And everyone will know the Truth someday.

And on the subject of counselors... do you know why so many people need to go to one to begin with?  Because people don't have time for other people.  You have to PAY someone to listen to you??  That's crazy.  Actually the counselor I just had that whole fun breech happen with said she would see me for free if I kept going to her.  So apparently if you get an untrustworthy one, it's free, but if you want it kept secret it's gonna cost ya.  What ever happened to FRIENDS who care about each other?  Not just when it's easy, and not just when there is a big trial that everyone wants to be a part of - but in the daily life stuff?? In the long haul stuff?  Why is it that the second you start talking about something hard, people run away or do the whole ummm, hmmm, uhhh blank stare thing?  Why do I bother at all?  Oh, I guess I better get a counselor cause nobody around me wants to hear it....  I think the problem is bigger than my grief.  But I'm hormonal so don't listen to me.

And this would be why I am totally not convinced I want to go to our annual woman's retreat. (I mean, minus the fact that it's where I announced my pregnancy with Rachel last year)  I asked for a private room ( might not be possible) because I really am just not in the place to not be able to be alone right now.  Especially when, try as they might, people just don't know what to say to me and I am exhausted from the constant awkward conversations and insensitive comments.  It's been 10 months of me enduring people's ignorance (not using that as a negative word) and I just can't do it.  Maybe I'll go sleep in a cheesy motel for a weekend and stay alone with the only One who I really need to talk to anyway - God.  I wonder if they have scholarships for cheesy motels?  sigh.

Aside from how frustrated I am with some people today, I had an awesome time with the Lord this morning at church.  It involved a lot of tears, but we sang a song that was on the original list for Rachel's funeral that we ended up cutting out cause we had like 12 songs :o)  You must know by now how music ministers to my soul... Here are the lyrics:

Beautiful the blood

I never knew death could be so sweet

I never knew surrender could feel so free

I never seen such meekness in majesty

That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days

It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised

The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful the blood flow

How merciful the love show

The King of glory poured out

Victorious are we now

Never knew through these nails would love unfold

And never knew these wounds would heal my soul

I've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet

The blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days

It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised

The King of Glory rescued me

Now I'll sing freedom for all my days

It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised

The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful you are

How merciful you are

How glorious you are

Christ the Savior

I have been blessed beyond measure by so many people through these past months.  Yes, there are always the few who let me down and I hate that it hurts me so bad.  I wonder sometimes why God didn't pick someone with thicker skin cause I'm just not cut out for this.  I have struggled to learn how to say what I mean without being mean, but it doesn't come naturally.  I am so grateful that no matter how I feel in this life, I have my amazing God Who is with me through it all... my King of Glory Who rescued me from myself and saved me from eternal separation from Him.  My beautiful, merciful, glorious Savior, by Whose wounds my soul is healed, by Whose blood I am set free.  My Lord Who will not faint and never grows weary.  The One Who makes my heart sing as I hide in the shadow of His wings and wait for better days.  My Wonderful Counselor and Mighty Healer who is more than capable of healing my broken heart and filling my mind with Truth.  My precious Jesus Who is waiting to receive me into His arms in heaven along with Rachel.

And that is what I stand on... My hope in Christ.  All other ground is sinking sand.

Psalm 73:21-28

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish;

you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Hormones + Grief = Messy

I am definitely feeling depressed this week.  I use the word carefully cause I'm still not in need of meds, no worries, but I feel down.  And although I am certain that makes perfect sense with what has happened in my life, I still hate it.  I think part of it is that I'm super overwhelmed with everything I have to do lately.  I have to stand at a table in the morning at church to try to recruit some more volunteers and I want to ditch out on it.  I actually can't wait until this is over.  It's just so much work and I'm still so sad.  I have had to keep going no matter what and I'm looking forward to the day things slow down... one week from today!

The bottom line is that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm still grieving.  I'm grateful that God has given me the ability to be real with people as much as sometimes I wish I knew how to keep my mouth shut.  At least I know that there isn't crap boiling under the cover... it's all over the stove already!  What you see is what you get.  Sometimes it's messy.  And lately, I feel really messy. 

I've spent time trying to analyze how I feel and why... why am I more sad lately?  Why am I not excited about the playground?  Why do I not feel like talking to people? Why do I not want to get out of bed in the morning?  Why does it feel like Rachel just died?  Will I be happy about the playground after it's built or will it just make me sad?  What if it's just a HUGE reminder that she's gone?  Will I be happy about this baby after it's here or will it just be a reminder that Rachel's not?  And that is followed by guilt that I even think that way.  I could go on and on and on...  Here are the answers I've come up with.

1.  I'm grieving
2. I'm pregnant
3. I'm grieving and pregnant at the same time

Look, any time I've been pregnant I don't want to get up in the a.m. or talk to people.  It's called hormones.  I also have a history of losing my "filter" when I'm pregnant  (or after I have a baby, which was magnified after Rachel with the grief)  Meaning, there is no telling what I might say and so I usually try to stay away from people.  (it's me being nice) :o) My body has always responded to hormones in a pretty non-friendly way.

 The grief just does whatever it wants and I'm along for a bumpy ride... Out of nowhere I can start crying and that has happened a lot this week.  Today I looked at a picture of her and I could feel her in my arms... I burst into tears with a deep pain in my heart that would do anything to hold her again. I fear the day that I can't remember what that felt like.  Thinking about what could have been crushes me.  She would be smiling at me now and started to babble...the kids would be in love with her.

I don't believe that pregnancy and grieving were ever intended to go together.  To add that it's my baby I'm grieving adds a different dynamic because not long ago, that space belonged to Rachel.  It was all I knew of her.  I'm actually nervous for the first time I feel this little one kick.  I never in my whole life imagined I would say such a thing.  The very things that used to be what I looked forward to, now scare me.  (like Mother's Day)  My emotions are still so raw and my heart hurts so bad.  But the truth is, unless I was never to have another baby again, I was going to have to go through this... and whatever else might come along... there is no way around it, only through it.

And so I keep putting one foot in front of the other... one painful day at a time... trying to stay pliable to what God wants to do in me through this - and joining Him in using Rachel's story, our story,  in whatever way He has planned.  And while I do, I long for heaven like never before.  A place where there is no more pain, no more tears, no worries, no deadlines, no hormones or death and especially not the two together...

A place where there is Rachel. 

Memories of her are everywhere; Her playground, Her 'walk & run', The tulips we planted together.  Her memory is there,  but her... her perfect little body, the baby I long to hold... she is in heaven and no matter what I do, I will not see *her* again anywhere else.  And the places I do see her are just reminders that she isn't here.

My grandmother told me the first 100 years are the hardest, after that it gets easy.  I would only change one thing about her very wise statement... and that would be: if you believe in Jesus.  If not, I'd say that's backwards.

God has done many things

21 long, cold weeks without my girl.
The longest winter of my life. 
The harshest weather I've ever faced, on the outside and on the inside

And today, on Friday, we got our first bloom of spring.

This is the side of my house... hopefully the garden in the back yard will show it's color soon too, where I planted 120 of these with Rachel in her memory!

We went to Options For Women for an ultrasound today.  I woke up thinking about canceling the appt.  I just can't seem to get excited about an ultrasound anymore.  They will never be the same...

Baby looks like (s)he is doing good...and I saw a round head, I think. A couple more weeks and I should be able to get the 'final answer' from the doctor.  The heartbeat was 165 and baby was moving like crazy.  Apparently taking after Rachel in the gift of dancing.  I left and called Matt to tell him it went well, but didn't feel happy...I don't know, I guess I will only feel better when I'm holding this baby in my arms at home and it's alive.  It seems like every time something goes "right" with this baby, I grieve the ways that it went "wrong" with Rachel.  It's not that I'm not in love with this baby or excited that it appears to be healthy, because I am, but... well, unfortunately I can't explain something I don't understand myself.  It is what it is.

We left there and went to the cemetery to have a picnic at Rachel's grave.  There was an Easter basket awaiting us and I laughed when I saw Sam's egg...poor boy, but I am so grateful that people make accommodations for him.  It was from Denise & family and I'm going to make this basket Rachel's each year.  I didn't buy one because, as I stood at the store debating it, I decided it was foolish to spend money I don't have on something for a girl who will never see it and I just used an old plain one from home. And so my heart lit up when I saw this and realized that now I have one for her, and it's cute. :o)

Ours had candy that Sam couldn't have

It was so warm today - snowing last week, the 70's this week!  I basked in the sun for a few at her grave. The cemetery has been going regularly to add dirt to her grave to make sure it's level each time it settles again and today it had grass seed on it.  Hopefully it will start to cover over soon.  I can't believe how well they tend the grounds there, they don't miss a beat.  But just like everything else, it is sad to me that someday I may not remember exactly where she is buried.  She just keeps seeming further away.  I know this is going to sound morbid, but as I sat there with the kids today, I thought about how someday Matt & I will be buried there too (provided we don't lose any more children) and I thought about how the kids will be visiting my grave there and will have memories of being there with me as they grew up.  I hope that it brings them comfort when I'm gone and that God will meet them there the same way He has me.

Both Des & Isaiah have been praying fervently that "Mama's baby will come out safely" and at dinner tonight Desirae thanked God that He gave the baby a head.  I'm thankful too, but I miss the days when I didn't know a baby could be born without one.  One thing is for sure, I doubt I ever have to worry about my children where abortions are concerned.  I always wanted to do "more" for pro-life... I used to have Des help me with mailings to raise money to help save babies and help mothers to make decisions they wouldn't regret.  After I experienced what it was like to be pregnant in a less than perfect situation (I was in jail) and have Matt's sister and a few close friends tell me that having an abortion would be the only unselfish thing to do, (even offering to pay for it) I know why girls can easily get scared into it.  I told Desirae about abortions much younger than most people would, because I always wanted my kids to know how sacred life is... each and every one... and now I believe they do.  

Desirae fully understands that 95% of babies like Rachel get killed at a "Dr's office".   She knows that a lot of people don't believe that it's important to let God decide when babies live and die and she knows that a lot of people in the world don't think that Rachel mattered because she had nothing to offer us. Oh, how wrong they are!  An article I read the other day said that "these babies will never achieve personhood".  I wanted to puke.  Rachel was a person made in God's image.  She was a beautiful person with a beautiful soul.

Tonight Des said that God was good because he gave this baby a head and I asked her "so does that make Him 'not good' that He didn't give Rachel the top of hers?"  Her answer didn't sound like that of an 8 year old... she said "no, because He did many things with Rachel"  I asked like what... she said "like some people know Jesus now because of Rachel and He's making a big playground because of her"  I asked "what did He do for you through Rachel?" and she replied "He gave me a sister".  My sweet Desirae...she has no idea how amazing she is.

God has done many things with Rachel.  Too many to count.  He had each and every single one planned out before the creation of the universe.  Just imagine. 
The same is true for you and me.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Pause the music player at bottom of blog and listen to this song I heard today

I'm Still Broken

This week has been very emotional for me.  I'm excited about the playground, but really do feel like at any moment I could start crying and never stop.  Most of the time I don't have time to cry.  A million times a day I tear up, wipe them away and keep going. 

I am so busy with everything that my mind feels like mush.  I miss Rachel so much that my heart feels like a ton of bricks.  And I'm so tired and drained from new baby that just accomplishing taking care of my 3 little ones and homeschooling wipes me out, never mind trying to coordinate all the playground details and take care of the house.  So, I kinda feel like I'm going under.  Good thing we're building an ark. :o)

As we move further away from December 3 and closer to fun things like Rachel's playground, I am experiencing one of the things I knew would happen and was afraid of...  the time when everyone else moves on.  Life is back to normal for everyone else.  I can't tell you how many people in just the last week have told me that they "had followed my blog" (past tense) One lady said "that was so hard" (past tense again) I ask if they still are... nope.  They followed it cause they were caught up in the sad emotions of the reality of Rachel's condition, but they think the journey is done.  And for them it is.  I am SO grateful for all of you who continue to love me and support me even now.  The fact that anybody could even think that once Rachel was in the ground it was done hurts my heart. 

I do want to acknowledge a couple of people who have shown me that they haven't forgotten us this week.  For Easter, Amanda W. left a few bags on our porch FULL of stuff for the kids Easter baskets.  She even left Sam some allergen free candy (very thoughtful!) and she gave me a bag (I haven't had an Easter Basket in YEARS) and she gave Rachel one, which of course made me cry. 

The other thing that I'm so excited about is that Mary Knapp from Tri-City Christian Academy invited Des and Isaiah to come to their summer camp as a gift for a couple of days a week this summer.  I cannot tell you how much this is going to help me!  I can make all my Dr appt's and errands for the days they are gone and then when we're together the rest of the week, I will be more free to just hang out with them.  I won't be much fun this summer being so pregnant and they will still get to do lots of fun stuff. It's also going to give Sam & I time alone which we never get.  It is going to all around be a huge blessing to all of us as I prepare our home for another Aube baby - and gear up for another year of homeschool, hopefully with a baby in my arms.

I remember a day not so long ago that I was getting numerous cards in the mail for Rachel daily, tons of comments on my blog... a day when she wasn't old news.  This week, these two people reached out and let me know that they have not forgotten about me or Rachel and that they know my trial isn't over.

And it is so far from over. 

All the playground planning has turned losing Rachel into something exciting to many.  They stop me to talk about how great this all is and how exciting it is that we're building a playground... and it is great and exciting, but that is not my first emotion.  They rub my arm and smile and say things like "at least you're turning this into something positive"  *deep sigh*.  I am not turning this into anything. 

Rachel died.  That sucks. 
We're building a playground.  That is awesome. 

Two totally different things.  But I don't try to explain, I just smile and say things like "I'm really grateful that I have this to keep me busy right now".... and "God has been so good".  and that is about as much of an honest response as I can give.  I want to shake my head and tell them how much I still hurt... tell them how I wish I wasn't building a memorial playground... tell them how there is NO turning the loss of my girl into a positive.  Yes, God has done amazing things with her life.  Yes, I think He will continue to for a while to come... Yes, a memorial playground will be cool.  No, her death isn't a positive in my eyes.  Sorry if that sounds like a negative thing to say.  I will always wish it could have been different.  But just as I wrote in my first email ever telling friends and family what was happening:

Aug 5,2010
"....As much as we don't want to drink of this cup, we are surrendering to whatever He wants to do through this. Our desire during this time is that we can celebrate her life even in the midst of our sadness and cherish the time we have with her, however limited it may be, until we see her again in heaven...."

And so we continue to surrender, to love and to hope - in the midst of our sadness - as we await the day we'll see her again in heaven.  I will be doing this long after her playground is built.  And it hurts bad.  I am often in awe of the blessing that she has been and God's amazing grace that has carried me, but that doesn't remove my pain or mean my grief will be any less difficult.  In fact, this week, thinking about the playground has made me sad cause the only thing I can think of when I picture it all done is "I wish she was going to be playing on it" or "I'd still rather have Rachel".  My heart still just wants her.  I do what I do for her, not for me.  Everything I do to remember her is not because I need the reminder or because it takes the pain away- it's because as her mother I refuse to let the world forget she existed.  She was too amazing for that. 

I, on the other hand, will be in the same exact place after her playground is complete:
A mother with a broken heart missing my sweet baby. 
I'm not sure many people get that... God does.  And when it seems like no one in this whole world cares (which I know is just a feeling) all I have to do is call His name and He is there.  He gets it and He cares more than I know.

And 'ironically' I heard a song this morning that said just that and had me in tears, so I'm playing it for you now...

"And when they realized that the Lord had seen their misery and was deeply concerned for them,

they all bowed their heads and worshipped".

Exodus 4: 31 NLT

Playground Meeting Schedule

We have another playground meeting tonight.  Last week we had a great turnout! Thank you! We start Rachel's Playground a week from today!  If you are planning on helping us and can make it to the meetings, please do!  Here are the ones we have left:

Tonight 6:30pm
Sunday 9:15am, between services
Wednesday 5/4 7:00-8:30 this one is MANDATORY for all team captains and coordinators but highly encouraged for everybody.  The more you understand how this process will work, the better off we are.  It will make things run MUCH more smoothly for the build days.  Please try to make it!

I can't believe we're almost there!!  I'm excited and yet find myself in tears daily over the fact that this is even needed.  Every detail that comes together reminds me that she is gone... and also loved.

Still Learning

I'm extremely tired these days.  Baby is taking everything I have.  I'm feeling weary, feels like I been pregnant forever (kinda have) and I have a ways to go (hopefully).  I just keep thinking about everything I need to do for the kids and for Rachel's Playground and all I want to do is lay down and sleep....partially because I'm so tired and partially because if I'm sleeping, I don't feel like I'm going to throw up. 

The funny thing is that I have what most people would probably consider pretty bad "morning" sickness (that lasts ALL day) but this is actually the easiest pregnancy I've had yet.  Normally I don't get a break from the blow-me-over-tiredness and the one-move-and-I-could-puke nausea for about 14 weeks.  This time, I usually feel pretty good from after I eat breakfast until around noon and then it hits.  I'm good with that, but I have to admit that I feel kind of discouraged with it.  I have 3 little ones, homeschooling, and 7 days till we start Rachel's Playground.  If it wasn't for her, I would have quit by now... and I wonder daily how I will get through the next week and a half.

Funny how even after all I have been through, I can still worry about how God will take care of me, isn't it?  I know He will carry me and help me do what I need to do... but in my humanness, I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to do it on my own.  I'll catch on someday. 

No Co-Pay Here

Do you remember a couple months back when I vaguely mentioned "my counselor who betrayed my trust"?
Well, just this week, I am realizing what a huge effect that had on me.  OK, so I didn't blog about it for the sake of being "good" but to be honest, after talking to a friend the other night and realizing how much it was still hurting me, I have officially decided that it is more important for me to heal from it than for me to hide her "mistake" (as she called it).  And since I am an outward processor...I'm sure you've picked up on that one!...  this is how I'm going to do it. 

Side note: this blog has been a life saver for me over these past 9 months - I don't think I would be where I am emotionally if it wasn't for all the baby loss Mamas that I have to talk to and the support I get from all of my readers.  Thank you!  And just having a place to do all my outward processing where I never have to wait for an awkward or hurtful response to my sometimes crazy feelings has been great as far as me not holding things in.  The last thing I want is to be still trying to work through this stuff 20 years from now.

That being said, when I first called the counselor - not because I thought I needed it but because the doctor was insisting I had depression (which I didn't) and a few people recommended her - I told her that I didn't think I needed a counselor.  She said "it would be good to have a safe place where you can talk about things"  I explained that I was not in any way a private person who has trouble talking about my feelings and I was not lacking support, but that there were some details of Rachel's birthday that I don't talk about in an attempt to protect her from peoples' judgment.  So I went.  I went 2 times. 

The second time I went, I told her about something hurtful that someone at church had said to me that week.  I said that I knew she didn't mean anything by it, but that her personality could just be abrasive.  She said "I know who you're talking about, It's ___ and she can be abrasive" (I had said her first name only) I honestly thought nothing of this.  I LOVE the girl who had hurt me and as not nice as that statement sounds (is), the focus of what I was saying really was that I knew she didn't mean anything by it, but that I was hurt.

I went in the third time and miss counselor tells me that she felt guilty after we met last and called the girl and told her that I was there and what had been said.  Yes, you heard me right... she CALLED HER AND TOLD HER.

I have also been accused of not being a trusting person... HMMM... can't imagine why.  I mean, minus that my entire childhood and early adulthood was filled with abandonment and disappointment from every man I ever knew,  but now I've got friends saying hurtful things while I grieve the loss of my baby and counselors doing what she called "just a small breech" and then claiming that this is normal behavior for a Christian community saying "in a secular community this wouldn't be acceptable, but in a Christian community, we all work together"... really?  If I wanted group counseling, I would have signed up for it.  But just for the record... It's not small and it's not normal.  And then she tried to tell me that it's the first time she had done it ("this never has happened before"), when she had, on 3 other occasions, done similar things to me; telling me personal information about others that she assumed I already knew.

So, I think blogging is much better than reporting her, how about you?  Although, I'll admit, I'm tempted.  Not only had I only told 2 people I was even going (not including this friend) and should be able to decide for myself who knows I'm going to counseling, but I should be able to talk about anything in counseling and not worry about it leaving the room, unless of course I was beating my kids.  Isn't that the law?  But hey, those laws don't apply to her.  And then she pulled the whole "will you forgive me" line... I'll call that the "God card".  I said yes but explained that I would not be coming back.  I told her that she said this would be a "safe place to talk about things" and it isn't. 

I really didn't tell anyone and pretty much just tried to forget about it, but what I have realized just this week is that this severely affected my relationships with everyone for the last couple months.  I'm just now starting to want to talk to people again.  If I had trust issues before, well... they just got worse.  I mean seriously, who can you trust??  The only One I've found so far is God.  I'm glad He's enough, but in my humanness, I want to be able to confide in and talk with others on a deeper level.  I want to be able to trust people too. And well, a counselor, I thought that was the reason you went there instead of invited Betty Lou out for coffee....

So, this leads me to the burden on my heart that I would love to talk to a counselor about in a "safe" and "confidential" environment, but actually think I might have better luck with the Internet cause at least I can decide what I want shared.... This is another one of those really hard things to write that I feel like I need to...

If you are carrying a baby with anencephaly right now, please do not let this scare you.  Rachel was the best and most amazing miracle that I have ever been blessed to be a part of and I would do it all over again, even knowing all the hard parts.  I don't say that cause it sounds good, I say it because it is true.  With every part of my being, I mean it.

That being said... I was trying to envision what it will be like to have this baby.  In my mind I was trying to convince myself that this baby will be ok and that it will be coming home with me.  (right now, I'm trying not to care if I sound weird)  As I thought about it, all I kept picturing was the moment that they took Rachel out of me and held her up for me to see. 

In the weeks and months leading up to her birth, I had fallen in love with her little face as I went to my weekly ultrasounds.  I had looked at many pictures of anencephalic babies and was familiar with the common characteristics that the babies had...but I always hoped that Rachel would look more like my other babies and less like an anencephalic baby.  And she did look like my other babies after I looked at her for a while and especially in her beautiful photos.  But the moment I first saw her, my initial reaction was not what I had hoped.  This is where I feel really bad....  I looked at her, took a deep breath and knew that she had every characteristic that I had feared.  My baby was very obviously never going to survive outside my womb and I didn't need a diagnosis from a doctor to tell me that when I looked at her.  There have been so many hard moments in this journey and that was one of them.  The video of her birth has been viewed by not one other person other than Matt & I and probably never will be.  My sister was there when she was born and other than that, nobody has seen her photos from right after birth.  To me, it's not her... it's her anencephaly. 

We had to take a picture of her head from the front and side for the Duke University Anencephaly Study we participated in and when I sent them over, I also sent a cute picture with her hat on because I needed them to see Rachel, not just her anencephaly.  They were VERY kind and replied back about her cute chubby cheeks and how they are following my blog.

And so here I am, trying to remember what it is like to give birth to a healthy baby and I can't.  It was in that moment that I realized that this has been a very traumatic experience for me.  Seeing my baby be born into this world - every other part of her body perfect, but without the top of her head, her eyes bulging and her ears bent in half was the deepest, most heart wrenching combination of grief and joy I have ever tried to balance.  And yet with God, I had peace.  Thank You, Jesus for that peace.

Minutes later, I was holding her and couldn't care less if she had her hat on... God held me in that time and helped me to live those 43 minutes to the fullest...  But oh man, the scar.

We went back to our room and I prepared her for the kids to meet her.  Our nurses, Kim and Michele were amazing (Thank you!!) and didn't appear at all uncomfortable helping us handle our precious baby who was no longer alive. (funny thing...I just accidentally wrote 'alice' there instead of 'alive'...)  but as the minutes passed, she got more and more blue.  I wanted to clean her up, especially her hair, but had a hard time cause I was nervous to be too rough with her.  I did my best, got her in her "love to twirl" outfit and we called in the kids. My family and our friends joined us after we got her dressed...  It was a very bittersweet day and my passion to make the most out of her life was what drove me in those hours... all the while, God's peace and love cradled me and protected my mind and heart.

Desirae would never admit it, but I saw the same thing happen to her... the initial reaction followed by shear unconditional love for her sister.  And God graced me with the ability to be able to tell them she was no longer with us - and  to be excited with my kids and smile with them about the cute little baby who left us too soon. 

Desirae has had her own journey with this as well... I've heard her conversations with other kids as they ask why her sister died...as she explained that her head was missing.  I watched her face drop in fear when Rachel's hat fell off as she was holding her....and then watched her struggle with her strong desire to hold her again vs. her fear that her hat would fall off again.  She was so brave and full of so much love.  I've heard one of her friends shout out in the sanctuary at church "your baby was blue!" and we just smile and keep going... but it stings.  I will say that watching my sweet daughter at only 8 years old handle this in a better way than some adults in our lives makes me SO proud to be her mother.  She is one amazing little girl and I know that being Rachel's big sister was part of God's plan for her life.  I believe wholeheartedly that it was for the better....even though it hurts.

So there it is... I'm sure none of you actually thought that day was easy anyway, but I decided the day after she died that I was going to be very purposeful about what I shared because I knew that the details I concentrated on would be what stuck in my memory. (yes, I was planning for my elderly years!)  and I wanted to make sure that I remember the amazing love, joy, and peace that surrounded us that day.  And usually, that is what I remember.

But, I'm not sure how this is all going to feel when I give birth again.  I am definitely preparing myself for the fact that I will have some pretty tough emotions about Rachel that re-surface (if they ever fade before then).  It is funny how many people think that this baby will make me feel better... I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that is not correct.  I will be beside myself in joy if this baby is healthy and pink, but nothing... nobody... no baby could EVER make losing Rachel hurt less.  It won't speed it along. There is no cure for grief.  And as a matter of fact, I have a feeling that holding a new Aube baby will bring up a lot of the pain from what I missed with Rachel... and I think that is likely to continue through all the "firsts". 

And just for the record, you can call anyone you want and tell them about any of this... at least you didn't charge my insurance.

Jesus Conquered the Grave!

Happy Easter! 

We had an amazing morning at church.  Worship was awesome, the building was packed (we have our Easter service at the High School cause we can't all fit in our church!), and we helped out this year with a new children's program (there's normally no childcare) and although we missed the sermon it was a ton of fun getting the kids excited about Jesus' resurrection....and it sure beat standing in the hallway with all the little ones that can't make it through the sermon with nothing to do, which is where I normally end up with my babies anyway.  I would have loved to be "stuck" in the hallway with Rachel this year...

Today my heart is filled with gratitude that Christ died for me.  Whenever I give my testimony (or think of it for that matter), I am always humbled to tears that He could love me... with all my fears and failures.  That I did all the things I did and that He still accepts me.  It's a hard concept to grasp .  I know everyone sins, but let's face it, some just seem worse than others and I know that there are people who would probably be scared to enter environments that I made myself very comfortable in and to be around people who I hung with. Never mind do the things I did.  I wonder how I made it out alive at times...I wonder how I managed to fit in since quite often I was scared too.  Jail was actually less scary in many ways.  But ultimately, until I found Christ as my Lord, I was in a jail of my own making and a prisoner to my sin - no matter where I was.

Today, as we sang songs about Jesus being the author of our salvation and conquering the grave, I thanked Him that He saved me and that the grave couldn't hold Him down.  I thanked Him that He conquered my sweet girl's grave too.  I have never disliked the word 'grave' more than I do now.  If that was all there was, I would probably die of a broken heart... but it's not.  She is dancing with Jesus in heaven today.

So, we have 13 more days until Rachel's Playground will be completed!  10 until we start!  I stopped by the church the other day to take a picture of the spot it's going since I'm a big fan of 'before & after' shots :o)

Here it is...

But when I did, I realized something that I always knew, but had not considered...  Do you see the little cabin in the woods?  That is one of the "cottages" from a yucky motel that is next to our church.  The thing I realized as I was posting this picture is that little cabin was the first place I ever got drunk. I was barely 13.  I also had another really bad thing happen to me that night that I can't share.  The party was loud and out of control, and the police got called.  When they showed up, I jumped out the back window (without my shoes) and ran though those woods and hid until they were gone... right where Rachel's playground will go.  At that point in my life, I had only stepped foot in a church about 3 times...and yet as I laid on the ground trying to stay out of the line of their flashlights, I knew it was a safe place to be.  Too bad it took me so many years to go inside.  It's also really too bad that I went back to the party, but that's another story.   I would have been better off getting arrested...

Right now all this barren land holds is a bad memory from my childhood.  In a couple of weeks, it will hold a big playground in honor of my girl... a symbol of Hope, love & courage... a symbol of God's provision through trials.   A symbol of how God carried me above the storm as I carried her to His arms.  And I don't believe it's a coincidence that He is turning this spot into something beautiful and God honoring - I didn't pick the spot, Joe from Learning Structures and Pastor Bernie did.  I was there and just nodded :o)  But I believe God knew I would eventually pick up on this detail... it's as if He's reminding me again that He is the only One Who can turn my ashes into beauty.

It's been a beautiful, hard journey.  But at least there is beauty.  My life before Christ held no true beauty.  But In Him, my heart rejoices.  Here are the lyrics to the song that had me in tears this morning...may they speak to your heart like they did mine.

Mighty to Save - Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion,

Love that's never failing;

Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,

The kindness of a Saviour;

The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,

All my fears and failures,

Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in,

Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,

We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, you can move the mountains,

You are mighty to save,

You are mighty to save.

Forever, Author of Salvation,

You rose and conquered the grave,

Yes you conquered the grave

He took it all... every sin I've ever committed or will commit and He covered me with His precious blood. He did this so that My Father does not see me and my sin, but Him... without sin.  If you don't understand why you need to believe in Jesus to enter heaven, here it is...  God cannot be in the presence of sin.  That's us folks... we can't stand in His Holy presence the way we are, no matter how 'good' we try to be.  The only way to be with God is to be covered by the blood of Christ - and for that, you have to believe in Him.

Life will still be hard, trials will still come - life will still be uncertain.... but eternity... that will be certain.

Thank You God for Easter!

Oh, and I have to just say that I got to meet one of my blog friends this morning.. Eve came from RI to celebrate Easter here and I was so honored to meet her!  God used Rachel's story to reach her heart and I have a new sister in Christ!!  And so does Rachel ♥

Another Article about Rachel's Playground

There was another article in the paper the other day about Rachel's Playground that they wrote up after talking to Learning Structures (the playground company helping us) 
Click Here to Read 
It was printed on Friday....seems to happen a lot.

A Good Friday

20 long weeks...  another Friday without my girl.  Yesterday was really nice out though and Des didn't have art since it's school vacation, so our time at Rachel's grave was not limited.  I was working on setting some flowers up on her bench so that the wind can't knock them over when a family who was visiting nearby approached us.

"I like your bench"  he said with a smile "I was the first one to put a bench here and now everyone has them."   He continued.  I looked up from what I was doing and said "that's cause they are a really good idea, but this actually isn't her stone...this is a temporary thing until her stone comes in....she was just born in December"  He stopped and looked down, realizing I said "born" and not "died" (I guess I still have a hard time letting her death be the focus) and as his eyes connected with the small rectangular spot without grass, his body took on a different stance.  He put his hand on his face and said "oh, that's tough",  his wife pulled on his arm and they walked away... He turned around a minute later and said "those bells over there sure do sound nice, I can't believe how the sound carries".  I guess bells are a more comfortable topic in a cemetery than a dead baby. The fact is, I had never noticed them before and even after he said it, couldn't hear what he was talking about... my mind was fixed on the little grave and my sweet baby who is buried there.

"Tough" - I guess that's a good word for it.  I went back to tying her flowers to rocks and the kids started running again, playing hide & seek behind headstones and hitting each other with fallen branches.  "Tough" must be short for what my new life is. I have yet to find one word that could describe what my heart feels.  I have written thousands of words and I still don't believe that my words could do the pain justice.  I also don't believe they could do my joy and gratitude in knowing Rachel justice. 

Yesterday was also Good Friday.  I sat on Rachel's bench reflecting on the death of my Lord...that Friday was a "tough" day for Him too.  But He carried His cross and gave his life for His Father's plan.  A plan to rescue all who believe in Him from a lifetime of separation from Him and an eternity in hell.  But on Good Friday, God's plan was never to leave Jesus there, but to have Him rise again on Sunday.  I thanked the Lord for so many things as I sat there... that her grave had dried up and my feet weren't sinking in... that Jesus died and arose again...that Rachel's soul didn't stay there with her body... and that God can make such beauty out of things that are so "tough".  I praised Him that Jesus was willing to do what He did and that He gave me the willingness and desire to do what I did.  I thanked God for Jesus and for Rachel.  This Easter, I think I will be rejoicing to a whole new level.  I could not have this assurance of Rachel being in a 'better place' if it wasn't for Jesus' resurrection on Easter all those years ago.  He's the only way.  My daughter's heart will be rejoicing that He conquered the grave...my mother's heart will be rejoicing that Rachel did too because of Him.  Thank You, Jesus.

Last night, we went to Kelly & Denise's to put our handprints on Rachel's fence. The fence came out awesome and then we did some fireworks together... thinking it might become an annual Good Friday celebration... I mean seriously, we celebrate Independence Day like that... I think Good Friday deserves some fireworks too!

Sam cried when we first put the paint on his hand and after he did the first flower, we asked if he wanted to do another one... through some pretty serious tears he whined "yesssss" and then he was excited about it.  Des rushed right through them so she could get back outside and Isaiah was VERY particular about which stems he put his hands on.  All in all, it went really smoothly with only a bit on paint on... you guessed it... Isaiah.

Samuel goes first!

Des didn't need any help...

Denise painting Isaiah's hands

"What? You don't like the color?" :o)

Mama & Daddy's turn!

OK, and as a total side note... right now as I write this... IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE!! AND it is actually ACCUMULATING!!  I am seriously disappointed that God couldn't give me an early spring after the winter I've had, but never mind that... how about an "ON TIME" spring??  We will be building a playground in less than 2 weeks.... please pray for our weather!!

Have a blessed Easter with all the joy that the Lord gives!

Announcing...

Spent a while at Denise's tonight painting the fence for Rachel's Playground... it's going to be so cute.  We painted the background and stems - and one of these nights my family will all go over there and paint our handprints on it as flowers, just like we did with Rachel's vault.  This is all so bittersweet.  How I wish I was too busy taking care of my 4th baby to be out at night painting... and yet I am so proud to be working on such an amazing project for my little girl.  I'm also so thankful to have friends dedicated to helping me as well.  Denise also has in her garage a HUGE giraffe and elephant that she cut out and will be painting for the ark!  It's going to look awesome.  2 weeks from today we'll be starting it!  I can hardly believe it.  I'm getting really excited - and a bit nervous too. 

But just to make sure that I'm not bored after the playground is complete, I have officially... actually Vanessa has officially... scheduled the Baby Rachel's Legacy Walk & Run to be held in Dover on August 6th!  This is going to be an anencephaly awareness walk/run that we will do the weekend after August 4th to mark the anniversary of when we first got Rachel's diagnosis. Mark it on your calendar now!! I'm super excited about this too!  It will be a 5K and the walkers will go a different route than the runners, through the cemetery and past Rachel's grave. 

Like everything else, this is also going to hold some serious emotions for me.  I definitely think having all of these positive things come out of my suffering has helped me to work through my grief.  It doesn't remove it, but it gives me a purpose and lightens my heart.  I could very easily, even still, decide to just lay down and cry.  And I might never get back up.  But I truly believe that God has so much more planned for Rachel's Legacy... and I'm not going to let either one of them down.  So, this is the "secret project" I've mentioned in the past and once again am so thankful that I have a friend helping me make it happen.   We should have a website for it soon, so I'll keep you posted!

After Rachel's funeral, I remember asking "what do I do now?" and I've wondered if I would have the same feeling after the playground was done... but God's timing is always perfect because Vanessa & I first met to mark out the route in December. (remember the day I got my new coat?) :o) We have been waiting (and she has been going back & forth with the town) for months to get the approval on our route.  And we got it this week, just as the playground is finishing up!

I think after the walk, I'm going to take a break :o)  Maybe...  I can't make any guarantees... Just for the record, this wasn't my idea...it was Vanessa's!  She approached me (I had no idea who she was when I got the first email - even though she came to Rachel's funeral!) and said she wanted to help me do this... and not only was it a great idea, but I've also gained a great friend.  God is so good to me.  But I can't promise He won't send some other great new friend my way with another project for me to work on when this one is done!  And when it comes to Rachel, well, my answer has never been "no" - it's always been "I will". 

If she was here, I'd give her my all... and I will do the same, even though she's gone.

OH, another thing about the playground... if you are planning on coming, but have not contacted myself or Mary at my church - PLEASE do!!  We are very low on the number of volunteers we have signed up.  We need twice as many as we have definites on.  I know some people plan to just show up, but please for my sanity's sake, call Mary at 603-332-9689 (Grace Community Church) and let her know you plan to come. 

And on that note, you should also listen to WSEW 88.7 because Ron & Sharon Malone have put on a beautiful announcement for Rachel's Playground.  Thank you!!  Desirae's eyes lit up when she heard her little sister's name on the radio! 

OK, so I have been all over the place, but I think you get it... I have TON of really awesome stuff happening all for, and because of, my precious little girl, whose 43 minutes in our arms left more of an impact in this world than some people leave in decades of life.

I'm reminded of the words I wrote in my pregnancy journal in week 10 of Rachel's pregnancy, long before we had any idea she was not going to live.  My "Things you're wondering this week" answer was...

"Why am I so blessed to be your mother and why has God chosen me to be part of your creation?"

Why?  I'll never know...  Blessed, I am.