Rachel's Voice in Oklahoma

Tonight I got a message from someone who bought one of the shirts that was leftover from Rachel's Race... She wanted to tell me that her daughter wore the shirt out to eat and was telling everyone about Rachel....here's a peek at our conversation....

She showed all the people she could her shirt your own little spokesperson in Ok

my girl and your girl are a little over a month apart

hard to think of Rachel as that big.

I wish I could see what she looked like between Sam and Asa - thanks for sharing about her today

I think that's part of why your journey with Rachel hit me so hard

yeah, bc you were holding her when I had to let Rachel go

plus being pregnant at the same time too...

seems like so long ago and yesterday at the same time

Yes. I found your blog the week before you had Rachel. I went back and read from the beginning just snuggling Delilah and bawling. I couldn't imagine, I started being interested in going to church then too because I believed God was what helped you get through and I wanted him in my life too.

You and your beautiful girl were and continue to be an important part of my life

I'm pretty sure it was November 26th of that year when I started reading your blog

I'm honored you remember so many details, it says to me it's important to you - and the fact that you started going back to church... well, I think you know what that does for my heart

I never grew up in church so it was deciding to go at all. I have pictures from that day where I am holding Delilah at the computer at my mom's

are you serious?! was it the day you decided to go to church?

Yes. The day I was reading all your blog entries was the day I decided I needed to find a church.

We found our church in May of 2011 and have been going ever since

Need I say more.... a pretty little daisy outfit to top it all off!!  

Rachel reached out across the earth thru her Mama's fingertips and is still changing the world.  Most of it I have yet to hear... it will only be when I go Home that the Father will fill me in on all the ways He used me.  But these kinds of stories are my favorite and I'm so thankful when people share them with me.

I know there are people in a new or renewed relationship with Jesus because of Rachel... but hearing it is overwhelming.  It makes it less of something I say because I hope for it and more of a solid truth that exists because of my willingness to be vulnerable and share the story God gave us.  I didn't always want to follow Him on this path of blogging my heart out - but I knew He was calling me to it and using it,so I did.  And every time I tried to walk away because it hurt too much, I couldn't go a day or two without someone stopping me in public and telling me how Rachel impacted them and encouraging me not to quit!  Every. Single. Time!!  And I would find myself back at it that night, surrendering my heart and soul to my God who had a plan for much more than me in this journey.

I'm so thankful and so humbled that this little girl's Mama considers Rachel part of her story...  how God brought her to Himself.  I know who those people are in my life... and how I feel about them... and wow... He's letting me be that person to others.  wow.

How Great Thou Art.... 

Long Distance Friends

Our friends from OH came up for Rachel's Race again this year.  This is the 3rd time we've met in person.  After the last race they came for we didn't hang out though, so this time we made a point to spend time together.  They met us at church on Sunday and we spent the day together afterwards.  We hung out in the middle of our race disaster here and then went up to play on Rachel's Playground.

It's amazing to me the friends I have gained from God through Rachel.  I might not get to see them every day, but when I talk to them or visit with them (still anxiously waiting to meet a couple of them!) it's like we've always known each other.  There is a connection so much deeper than I have with even people I have been around for years.  And I love the fact that I will know them and their babies gone too soon when we meet together in heaven.

Until then, I will take whatever time I can get... and goodbyes will always be hard....

Missing from this photo:
On earth... Wesley and Cielo
In heaven... Rachel, Silas, Saria & Benjamin

I'm laughing about the fact that there are still kids hanging off our ankles

hanging out on the kitchen floor :)

Rachel's slide!  Weeee!

Of course there was a dandelion!

Des was soaking up all the time with little girls.  She told me when they left that little boys are all messy with snots all over them and little girls are 'just perfect'. LOL.  She was sad to see them leave...

Wearing her daisy dress

Rachel's Race 2014

Yesterday we held Rachel's 3rd Race.   It was an amazing day, full of all sorts of bumps that God's grace carried me through without a flinch and lots of love, support, excitement, tears, emotions, carrying each others burdens... and HOPE.

I have been wanting to write almost every day this last few weeks, but I've been so completely engrossed in preparing for the race, (or trying to spend quality time with my family in between) I didn't have time to slow down enough to put my thoughts down.  Honestly, I'm still unwinding from it all and still feel a bit unready to share my heart.

We had 108 babies we remembered by name at the race - 225 runners/walkers and a bunch more there just to show support that weren't signed up.  The forecast said it would rain, but other than slight sprinkling here and there, we had good weather and it was more pleasant to work in.  Everyone seemed to have a great time and although it was just as crazy as always, I really enjoyed the day.

As usual, I was stopped time and time again by people telling me how much me sharing my journey with Rachel has helped them.  I will never tire of hearing that her life helped someone.

I do not have final numbers yet - I know we made less on race day then usual (by about $1,000) and since I didn't do any pre-race soliciting of donations, we were already about $4,000 behind our norm.  So take $5,000 off the top.  I am still waiting on a company to send money they collected on a couple of jean days they held in Rachel's honor and on payment for some shirts... and I am going to try to sell what I have left of shirts, bracelets and key chains (made by me & Cyndie) I have left over, to get the numbers up a little bit more and will announce when I have a final amount.

I am waiting on some photos and will get together a video from our baby ceremony so that if you weren't there, you can still hear your baby's name spoken!  Will get it done as soon as I can.

Although it appears our numbers will be nothing like the years past, I feel like this has been my most successful race... I've always said that money was not the main purpose and the way I feel right now proves that to be my true heart in this.  I'll tell you why...

Because this year - on the inside and out - I felt like I honored Rachel and glorified God.  My heart was light and I rolled with punches like never before.  I had just as many disappointments from others, just as many last minute issues (actually MORE!), just as many people with entitlement issues pressuring me to give them something for nothing, more baby names to get straight, more kids in tow as I did it all and a promise to keep that this race would not affect my family life, meaning I spent the first 4 months of work on it, working when nobody here would know I was.

The night before the race, I got about 1hr and 45mins sleep.  I left late, and from the moment I stepped foot on the field, things were going wrong... and I mean constantly.  And I think in the first couple of years, that would have been too much - I would have looked messy and felt messy -  maybe partly because of my grief overload and partly because I was just so clueless on how to do this big of an event... but one thing I know for sure is that when my eyes opened at 4:30 yesterday, I had the thought that I should just go back to sleep...I didn't feel ready to face the day - but I rolled over and said "Lord, be with me today please..." and I stepped out of bed and went for it...

But I didn't go for it for me... I didn't go for it for money... I didn't go for it to be able to say I did... I went for it because I know how important it is for the world to be educated on child loss - how much it happens and that it's okay to talk about it.  I know the world needs to hear a message of Hope... And I believe God called me to share that.

And so I did.

But more importantly, as I did, what was going on inside of me while I was working thru the day was amazing.  I'm way more uptight than that so I know it was God answering my prayer to be with me.  And I left there that afternoon, completely exhausted, but feeling great about how the Spirit guided me and helped me to overcome obstacles (mentally) that I couldn't change anyway - and everything worked out just fine in the end.

I came home, we emptied the uhaul and I lugged tables and chairs back to the basement and then, with my house still overtaken by boxes and cut up fruit, I sat down.  I woke up a couple hours later and saw the dozens of photos and messages on Facebook of the race and so many people saying how thankful they were to be there and what it meant to them to participate and I just knew... Rachel's Legacy is going to outlive me...

Thank you so much to everyone who ran, walked, registered your baby, volunteered, stopped by to show support, participated virtually, donated, or sponsored someone in the race...  each and every one of you made a difference and I'm excited to see how we will be able to bless others in Rachel's honor this year because of all your help!  While money isn't my ultimate goal, it is a necessary thing to run a nonprofit and so I thank you for entrusting us with your time and treasure to keep Rachel's Legacy going.

I will get together some photos and such soon, but for now, here is an updated family photo of our shirts... we needed one with Ezra and this time, I brought Rachel Bear with me and I made her a shirt too...

Ours all say our title in relation to Rachel with a 43 on them... I wrote her title as "God's Girl" and started writing the 43, when it came to me... I changed hers to "4 eternity" (but used the eternity symbol)

So as the clock brings us to another August 4th in just 20 minutes... and I remember that day 4 years ago when I got her diagnosis, the day my world stopped.  This is where my Hope is anchored... In Jesus Christ and His promise of eternity.

I can't believe it's been 4 years, it hardly seems possible... but each day, I get one day closer to her.

BRL Status Update!

There has been so much going on and so many ways God has been whispering to me lately... and every time I have something I want to blog, I never get the chance to sit down and do it.  If only I could record the thoughts I need to write when they are on my heart and have someone else enter the text....

I've been pretty busy preparing for Rachel's Race.  I've been able to find a decent balance between race planning and family time... a balance between errands and playing.... a balance between heaven and earth.... it's not easy, but it feels good and was what God had challenged me to earlier this year.

I have managed to roll with punches fairly well this time around and even in just a few short months, God has shown me in different ways why certain things didn't work out or how He uses hard things to bring about better things.  I know that is vague, but if I told you all the ways, I'd be writing all night - and well, I have a race to work on! LOL.

I do want to share one thing though...  well, two things...

First, you all know about my bracelet right?  The one I made at the retreat that I went to after Rachel died?  My sister had come with me, which was really special.  This post HERE has the story of when it all started.  And this post HERE has a follow up in case you aren't familiar.  They are both good reads regardless, so if you're missing reading my posts, by all means... read those! :)

So, I've been wearing this bracelet, which is really gross looking and I don't care... for over 2 years now.  And the other still hangs on Rachel's grave.  Hers (which used to be mine) is now washed white from the rain and sun - and mine (which used to be hers) is now dingy like my original one was when I was wearing it.  But I can't stop wearing it.  It is too meaningful to me.

So about a week and a half ago, I lost my bracelet.  I realized it late at night when I went to take it off before bed.  I was upset and started to feel myself getting worked up about it, but just let it go.  I had this peace about it... a feeling that I would somehow find it again, even though I was pretty sure I lost it outside of my home.  And that if I didn't find it again, that God would lead me to something just as meaningful that I could share with Rachel somehow.

 Last Sunday at church, they were asking for help with VBS and I felt the Spirit nudge me to volunteer.  I had a little talk with God as this was happening about how incredibly busy I am right now, with the race less than 2 weeks away... I don't have time to be helping at VBS!   Matt took vacation this week so I would have more time to work on the race...  But I couldn't shake it and before I knew it, I was signing us up. We've never done this before so serving together as a family in this way was pretty exciting.

We pulled in this morning for our first day and when I got out of the van, I saw something in the dew soaked grass... I walked over and there it was... my bracelet!  Still there from last week!  Even more dingy and totally wet, I slipped it on my wrist with a big smile.  Total confirmation I was right where I was supposed to be.

When we got home, I had planned to go straight to work on race stuff... but before I knew it, I was making plans to go to my moms with the kids so they could swim.  (have I lost my mind?  Race day is coming whether I'm ready or not!!)  We packed the kids up and just as we went to leave, the postman came walking up - I leaned over and took the mail and the first thing I saw was a letter to Baby Rachel's Legacy from the IRS.....I squealed in excitement.... I had been replaying this long awaited moment in my head.  A daydream I guess you could say... since I mailed in my application in January.  I figured by now, no news was good news.... and I just kept seeing in my mind, me opening the letter and it saying we were approved.  I have prayed about it every day for the last few weeks.  I was hoping it would come before the race - and had a feeling it would be very close to the race!  And I guess I was right!

Matt didn't have the same sense of assurance and he was waiting hesitantly as I opened it.  Probably afraid of my disappointment if it was a 'no'.  I read the first line and started to cry.  I didn't even need to know the details.... I saw it... "We are pleased to inform you.... " and I knew!!!  We got approved!

I'm not sure I can put into words how hard this was for me.  In the first couple of years of grief, my mind was in such a fog, I couldn't make sense out of ANY of it.  I put it off for months... even at one point hired (and fired) a lawyer to do it for me.... But in God's perfect timing, when I finally was able to make sense out of it, He guided me through it and I am amazed that I got this approved without a snag... I prayed over that envelope like you wouldn't believe before I mailed it.  I heard it would only take 3 months, but could take 6 months or more if there was a problem.  It's been over 6 months and I remained confident that this letter would bring good news... and it has!  I'm SO thankful.... so thankful.  I didn't just have to put a lot of time and effort into this - I put my heart into it too.

Baby Rachel's Legacy is officially a 501c3 and that is retroactive as promised, back to January 2012!

I am so relieved... and proud... and honored... and excited... and emotional... and even broken again... for all that Rachel's life and death has prompted me to work towards.  This status is going to give us the ability to do so much more to minister to people who walk a similar path.  And my deepest prayer is that each and every person touched by Rachel's Legacy will be left with an overwhelming realization of what it means to hope in Jesus.  May His great and holy Name be glorified.

Up All Night

A recap of last night...

I stayed up way too late organizing auction items.  went up to bed at almost 1am. Sam was sleeping in my bed with Matt.  I thought that was cute until we went to move him back to his bed and realized he had also peed. (he is not a bed wetter, so this was special for my bed!)  My spot was soaked!

Matt went in to get his bed ready and discovered Isaiah had peed the bed.  He changed his sheets while I took ours off, only to realize that we don't have a 2nd set of sheets anymore. I grabbed a chuck pad and laid a blanket over it, started a load of laundry and we got back into bed...

Then felt something wet... he had peed on Rachel's blanket too and I was snuggling with it - I ran down and threw that in the wash too.  Her blanket has been washed VERY few times since she was born.  I don't like to wash it if I don't have to - and I am not used to sleeping without it, I never do.  So that was hard.

I got back into bed....1:35.  5 minutes later, the baby woke up.  I got up and nursed him.  2:15 rolls around, I climbed back into bed.  2:20 we hear Asa crying, calling for Daddy... he peed in his bed... (yes, he was wearing a diaper, but it apparently wasn't in the right position) another bed change and we finally closed our eyes at 2:40, with my hand around Matt's finger under his pillow.

At 4 am... Ezra crying.... nursed him, got back in bed 4:30... 6 am, our well rested boys sleeping in beds with sheets woke up ready for the day.  Matt had gone to bed earlier than me, so he got up with them and let me stay in bed, but I wasn't sleeping good.  By the time morning comes, my body is aching so much, it's hard to sleep.  I rolled out of bed slowly, anticipating how much my feet would hurt when they hit the floor.  Some days it's a LOT.  Today was one of them.

And that is why I'm falling asleep sitting up at 9pm.  But somehow in the middle of all of that pee and sleep deprivation, I felt amazingly blessed.  I'm so thankful for each of my babies, here and in heaven.  I'm thankful for full hands and a full heart.  I'm thankful for beds to change and babies to nurse and blankets to wash.  And I'm thankful for Matt to walk through it all with... marriage is quite the experience... who else knows exactly what our pee covered house looks like at 2am?  We are a team... and without even needing to discuss a plan of action, we both step into our roles and get it done.  I know that might sound cheesy, but it was kind of nice... just to know that he's in this with me - 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

I knew it all along, that she had given me a different perspective... but last night was one of the times when I realized how much so.  I could feel God's grace all over me in those late hours when I was dying to sleep, but able to care for my family with such a desire to serve and love them... and I know Rachel had part in that.  I know her coming and leaving made me see inconveniences from children as something I longed for and something to be thankful for.  And I know that even though I have had much more time with each of them then I did with her so far, no amount of time is guaranteed and each day could be a last.

Lately, I'm overwhelmed with the idea of how short life really is.  I can hardly believe Ezra is almost a year old.  Time goes by so fast and as hard as these days are, I have no desire to rush them along.  I love these days - and nights... and I know one day I will look back and miss them... especially after a good night of sleep.

He Called It "Rachel's Mama"

I know I have many MANY more notes... cards... letters... emails... and even phone calls from random people I had never met and have never heard from again... all telling me what a profound impact Rachel had on them through me.  Almost every one of them has left me in tears.  It's amazing.

I know that each and every person touched by her life and death were in actuality touched by the Spirit of God.  I could feel Him working in every fiber of my being since the first day we got her diagnosis.  And while I feel like I've already said a million ways how Rachel has impacted ME, I feel like it would not be a good Mama thing to do, to be posting all about her impact on others and not say something myself.

I've been struggling with some serious writers block lately, so I feel unable to express it in words... but again, I can't not try. And I'm sure this won't scratch the surface, but here it goes...

If I was to tell you that Rachel had an amazing, unbelievable, beautifully painful and completely life changing affect on my life... that would be an understatement.

I'll start first with the fact that before Rachel, I not only struggled with my trust in God and believing He has my best interest in mind at ALL times... but I also constantly doubted my salvation.  I would read the scripture that talks about testing yourself to see if you are really of the faith and I would wonder... How on earth could a Holy God love ME?  To really know me to the core and love me fully - enough to send His Son to die for me?  It just didn't seem possible. And why did anyone need to die anyway? It didn't make sense. And heaven seemed like a great idea, but real?  Hard to grasp.

When I walked out of my ultrasound on August 4, 2010, the first words out of my mouth were "This is what He was preparing me for."  It was as if in that very instant, I could see all the flashes of the weeks and months leading up to that day - and He had absolutely prepared me!  What a humbling and awe inspiring idea... that the King of the Universe is that mindful of me.  And from that day until this, I have been so certain of my God's faithfulness and love... proven over and over again... and I have been so certain of my true and genuine faith in Him... proven over and over again as I have had nowhere else I wanted to turn.  As He called me to empty myself... my heart... my arms... and give it all over to Him, He has also granted me the ability to do it... the strength, the grace, the peace and joy in the midst of deep sorrow.  As He carried me when I was too broken to walk alone.

Carrying Rachel as I waited for her death was the hardest thing I've ever done.  Each kick and turn made my heart ache with a pain I could never describe in words.  Picking out her grave, her burial outfit, her funeral program... before I ever saw her face was something I cannot even write without crying, still to this day.  It was the heaviest and most intense burden I have ever carried in my life.  And with each "When are you due?"  or "Do you know what you're having?"  I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare and I would beg to wake up... let it all be a dream... how can it be real?

But along the road of bittersweet, something happened.  I am no longer the person who walked into that ultrasound that day.  I'm not the person who left my house that morning.  Our kids got a different mother - Matt got a different wife - my mom and dad got a different daughter - my sister and brother, a different sister - my friends...a different friend.  And although, at times, I miss feeling lighter and more carefree... I don't think it's a bad thing that the Stacy Aube of August 3, 2010 has been replaced.

I have been broken down to the point of complete surrender.  I had nowhere I could go and not a thing I could do to change it or control it or to fix it... I had to sit in it and feel it.  And bit by bit as it tore me apart, God worked on each and every detail like he was fine tuning His masterpiece... and He called it Rachel's Mama.

When I call myself Rachel's Mama - it is so much more than a title to that little girl.  "Rachel's Mama" is to me the beauty God can make out of ashes.  "Rachel's Mama" is a place in His arms where I am sheltered from the storm.  "Rachel's Mama" is the reminder of Who is in charge of life and death and that we don't always get what we want.  "Rachel's Mama" is seeing perfect in her like God does.  It's being honored to be part of His eternal purposes and believing in their beauty, even when it hurts. "Rachel's Mama" is the way my Great God comforts and is close to the brokenhearted.  "Rachel's Mama" is how He proved to me that heaven is real... that He always provides... that I am His daughter... and that salvation has been given to me... for keeps....eternally.  "Rachel's Mama" is a name that means so much more to me than what I am to her... It's a name that speaks of who she is to me - and who I am to God - and who she is to God.... it's His work of art... sometimes messy, but always working towards the final masterpiece.  (We're talking oil on canvas - not Photoshop here)

Because I know with everything I am that there was absolutely no mistake - nor was it by 'chance' - that God made me Rachel's Mama.  The last 4 years have been hard.  They've been painful.  They've brought judgement and pity and misunderstanding.  They've brought loneliness and heartache.  But I would do it all over again.

Whenever I say those words, I always ask myself... Would I do it all over again if I could go back and keep her instead?  Would I *really* do it again if given the chance not to live without her?

And if I had to try to put into words the most profound affect that Rachel has had on me, this would be it.... because the biggest and most important change in me since I got her diagnosis is that I wholeheartedly desire what God wants for me in my life.  And even when it's hard... even when I don't like it... even when it hurts like hell and seems unending.... I know that my God is working ALL things together for my good and His glory.

And those are not words I say because they sound good and are the 'right' thing to say.  I still struggle with disappointment and questions, but I know with all that I am that God is taking care of me always.  And that He will never fail me. And I'm okay with the fact that I might not always like it and that often I will have to surrender to plans that if up to me, I wouldn't pick.  But I know that they are better.

Yesterday I put on my Rachel's Mama shirt to go out and put up signs for her race.  I like to represent, you know? :)  But after I threw my hair up in a clip, I used a mirror to look at it and I noticed that part of my tattoo sticks out of the neck of my shirt.

It was the first time I noticed that "Eternally" was all you could see above a t-shirt - and seeing it next to "Rachel's Mama" felt meaningful, so I had Des take a photo.... as I sit here tonight, I realize that I had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down 30 minutes ago... but the picture keeps coming to mind now...  I am eternally Rachel's Mama.

The rest of the tattoo, for those who don't know, says "Dancing Eternally in His Love" and I got it because that's what it says on her headstone... it's how I picture her... dancing forever with Jesus... At her ultrasound before we knew anything was wrong, they told us she was a girl and that she was moving a lot.  I said through happy tears "She likes to dance just like her mama!"  And the whole time I carried her, that little girl moved.  She was always twirling around and I will always think of her as my little dancer.

Rachel has taught me how to dance in the rain....not just in the sun. As a matter of fact, yesterday when we went to leave to put the signs up, it started to rain as we left and I told the kids "We've danced through worse rain that this before!  Let's get these signs out there, a little rain never killed anyone...."  and so we did... yesterday and today - put race signs everywhere, wearing my Rachel's Mama shirt, as it rained on us the whole time.  Before Rachel, that rain would have kept me home.  I would have waited for another, more sunny day.  But now I know you don't always get another day.  Better circumstances don't always come.  Time isn't always on our side.  And a Mama has to do what a Mama has to do.... even when it rains.

Rachel's Impact - Part 5

I'm so thankful for all the times people have taken the time to let me know that they have been touched by Rachel's life.  It always seems to come just when I'm needing it most.  Some of my hardest, darkest days have been made lighter and brighter by the simple words of another... words that carry the reminder that it wasn't all for nothing... that she has made a difference and that her legacy will live long after I'm gone.  As her Mama, there is nothing I had hoped more throughout this journey of love, pain, hope, and sorrow... 

That she would leave a mark that could never be erased.  

And she has.

Rachel's Impact - Part 4

I could have never imagined on August 4, 2010 that anyone would be positively affected by the diagnosis we had just received....  I still don't believe I will know the true magnitude of what her life and death have done on this earth until I get to heaven.  






















And these were short notes I got on Facebook.....








You have touched me by the way you love Rachel and others. Rachel has shown us through you how to love more and be grateful for all you have... it can be gone in a moment, we love you.
Sarah – ME

Very thankful for you sweet baby Rachel! You brought your mommy and me together across so many miles. What an impact you have made in so many lives! I love to watch and read about how you live on in your mommy's heart. You are loved, little one. So glad you are in heaven with Jesus, Eliana and all those we miss.
Melanie – MN

I did not know you when you had Rachel, but by talking to you I realized I had to make this journey with my precious Alicia. Hearing your story made mine possible. I have had 29 days with my little girl and she is the joy of my life. Rachel's story gave me a miracle. I didn't give up and neither has my girl. So I wanted to say thank you to you and your daughter. God bless you for the journey your story has put me on. <3 p="">
Jenn - NH
(mother of Alicia, who was deemed never to survive to birth)

• Rachel's story makes me see the how much every single moment spend with the ones who we love are important (sorry Stacy, I dont write very well in english) Thanks for chering Rachel to the world.
  Liz – Brazil

• Amazing little girl, amazing mommy, amazing strength, amazing hope. I love you both!

Amanda – ME

• There is no truer story of love than your family. Never giving up and always pushing forward and bringing Rachel with you wherever life takes you. A true inspiration
  Susanne – KS

Rachel's Impact - Part 3

A couple more reminders of the great gift Rachel was, not just to me, but to people near and far.  I'm honored I get to call myself her Mama.

Amazing Vacation Rental for Sale!! Cheap!

My good friend Donna won a silent auction item at a fundraising banquet a while back.  She had won it for a steal of $600 and intended to give it to a family member as a gift.

Before last year's race, she offered it to me because her family member wasn't able to use it.  She said I could use it at the auction at Rachel's Race.

Then I called off the race last year.

I've been sitting on this unbelievable auction item for over a year now because of technicalities.  See, in order to do a raffle, you have to have a permit.  And since different states have different laws on raffles, you aren't supposed to do one on line.  So I was going to hold it until this years race and auction it there.

After talking to Denise (one of the owners), she mentioned that the house there is on the market.  Apparently it has been for some time with no bites, but this adds a complexity to the situation.

The item is for a week stay in an amazing 5 bedroom, 2 bath home in the Bahamas.  It has everything you need except for food and clothes right there for you to use, including kayaks, beach stuff, a washer and dryer, and games for kids!  They have a Bronco you can rent for $50 a day (or you can rent your own vehicle through a rental place) and their property manager will pick you up at the airport and drive you to the house at no extra charge!  I know many people who have vacationed there and love it!

So here is what I was thinking... Check out the site here., read about the amenities and if you are interested in going (which I have no doubt you will be if you look at the site!)  and would like to not only get an extremely discounted price for such accommodations on your vacation, but also have every dime you spend on it go towards Rachel's Legacy... email me or message me on Facebook.  I am not setting a price because something is better than nothing, so don't hesitate to make an offer!!

I believe the usual cost of a week stay here is $1750.  I will sell it to whoever is willing to pay the best reasonable offer and all proceeds will go towards Rachel's Race.

Since buying something like this while it is on the market comes with a risk, I will guarantee a refund of your money until the end of October.  If you try to use it before then and are not able to because they sell their house, you will get your money back.  The owners have people reserved into October, so you will want to book your week soon!!  You can see what is available right on their site!

*Please note:  Airfare is NOT included and is your own responsibility. This is for one week stay at Parlay at Sunset ONLY.  

Rachel's Impact - Part 2

It's amazing to me the great diversity in my blog readers... the way God has used Rachel, not only to help other moms going through the same thing - it's become so much more than I ever expected when I first started out.  And reading these notes reminded me of just that.  She is changing people everywhere - not just in the baby loss community - it's been so much bigger than that.  Something I could have never planned on my own or made happen in my strength, no matter how determined I am to help Rachel leave her legacy.  God had a plan with little Rachel Alice and it was huge - and I believe it still is.  Although I never would refer to it as such, I originally thought it was going to be a pro-life kind of message... 

It is and it isn't.

I mean, it's more of a message about ETERNAL LIFE than simply the idea of carrying a baby to a natural and God ordained end.  While I still wholeheartedly believe that the latter is very important and the best road to healing for a mom, I am more and more convinced that it wasn't the complete message God had in mind for me to share when He gave me Rachel.  

I am deeply humbled and full of gratitude that God would use me... in all my pain and imperfectness... and Rachel... with all that she 'wasn't' to most people on earth... to shout His story of Redemption - His promise of life after death - His provision and care and love for those who are called to be His children....  that He would bring beauty out of ashes...  That He would let me be part of His eternal purposes and even be so gracious at to let me know about it!  

I still remember in the operating room waiting to get cut open to meet Rachel... having a c-section had always been my biggest fear in child birth, and yet I had chosen it for the chance of even a minute with her.  I was laying on the table and we were waiting for Matt to come in.  My body was out in the open, uncovered - everyone around me so covered in scrubs and masks that I had no idea who they were....Staring at the ceiling, I asked "Have any of you met a baby with Anencephaly before?"  I can't remember, I think they all said no, Rachel would be the first - and I responded "Well, you're about to meet Rachel Alice and she's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself."  My nurse Kim said "Well of course she is, she has an amazing mother." and without thinking twice I said "She has an amazing God."

I feel like it's such a picture of my journey - I've been laid out like an open book for all of you to see - I don't hide under anything, like so many in the world do.  It can feel rather unsafe, yet in the moments of my pain and weakness, I am not phased by that discomfort at all....I am so convinced that God can use it, that I don't worry about people's opinions. But you certainly see much more of me than I ever will of you - some of you I don't even know are there.... 

But I have a goal in mind.  Just like that day in the OR, my goal was to meet my daughter.  In this life, my goal is to meet my Lord - and I know when I do, I will meet Rachel again too.  And if I have to face my biggest fears, wear my heart on my sleeve, fail in front of an audience and admit when I am painfully aware of how much I need Him to get me through it all in order for you to catch a glimpse of how big and strong and powerful and merciful and loving and gracious and eternal my God is....  well, I consider it great joy to be part of God's story in your lives.  I share my journey through anencephaly here, but I am so thankful that God has used it to bring so many people closer to Him.  That this doesn't start and end with dead or dying babies.  It starts and ends with God... His plan, His dance, His ending, His home for us together forever.  And I am looking forward to an amazing reunion one day - with Jesus and Rachel and all the people believe in Him who will join us there.  I can't wait to meet every single one of you.  You'll know who I am... I'll be the one dancing in daisies with a cute little girl at Jesus' feet.

I didn't intend to write so much... these posts are supposed to be short!!  I miss writing... hoping I can find time to do it more soon.  But for now, here are another two notes from Rachel's 2nd birthday.... I hope you can read the last part of the 2nd one, it's amazing!!

Rachel's Impact - Part 1

For Rachel's 2nd Birthday, I asked people to send us notes letting us know how Rachel impacted their lives.  We read them out loud and had them placed all around our house during her party that year.  It was really special to read together all the responses we got, knowing that it was only a small portion of the innumerable ways Rachel changed the world.  I had meant to post them for you all to read, but that year turned out to be very difficult for me and I never got to it.  

Since I'm barely blogging right now with the race coming up, but still have the deep desire to continue sharing her with you all, I have decided I will start sharing them this week - one or so at a time....  Kind of the way she continues to touch hearts.... 

Here we go.....

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Turning In My Superhero Cape

I'm not sure how to say what is on my mind without sounding like I'm complaining, but I am at a place where I have to say it - and I guess I might be complaining...

Everyone thinks that I'm some sort of miracle worker - like I can run a non profit, organize a large event, run a home business, raise 5 kids and homeschool them, sell my house, and look for a new one all while getting approximately 5 hours of interrupted sleep each night and being in a lot of pain.

Or maybe it's me who is dumb enough to think I can do all of the above and still enjoy life.  Maybe I give everyone the wrong idea.

I'm tired.  I'm overwhelmed.  I need help.  And if one more person says "wow, that's a lot, I'll be praying for you" I might lose it.

I covet your prayers, I really do.  But I actually need real. tangible. help, too.  Not that I don't believe prayer to be powerful, you know I do.  I just really need people - I need someone to help carry this with me.

Matt told me that if this year's race stressed me out, we wouldn't be able to hold another one.  It is impossible to not get stressed when the load is so heavy and free time to work on it only comes at midnight when nothing is open.  I have been feeling so laid back about the entire thing, I thought wow, this is great. Until I realized I'm feeling laid back because nothing is getting done and just how much needs to be done and the fact that I have 6 weeks to do it.  You know, if I was older and didn't have little kids - or if half my kids went to school each day - or if I had a handful of people who were as invested in the success of this as I am... maybe it would be more enjoyable.  But I am and have none of those things.

So, am I just not meant to have races?  Am I not meant to have a nonprofit?  Am I supposed to just let it all go and give myself a break?  Let Rachel's life and death become a thing of the past and not try to continue to use her to leave a legacy of hope and to help people to choose life when presented with the same path? Have I been misunderstanding God's direction?  Or am I just overwhelmed and making more of it than I need to?

I don't know.

Here's what I know... I am in over my head.

I just found out that we need another police officer for our course and they are paid, so that's another $260.  $1,000 on police alone.  So that puts us up to approximately $3700 it costs to put this event on and I don't have any corporate sponsors this year.  None.  That means we're relying on race day to cover costs and hopefully bring in enough to actually run our nonprofit for the year.  And honestly, at this point, we usually have well over $5,000 in sponsorships... so I'm getting nervous.  I have no money to back this.  I must be out of my mind.  I don't want to hold a race just to say I did - or worse, for it to cost us money to have it.

Then we have about 7 adults and a few kids who have signed up to help on race day - we need more like 40.  Enough said.

All that to say....to beg, really... is there anyone out there willing and able to help me in the coming weeks to get this organized?  Anyone willing and ABLE to dedicate a bit of time and allow me to delegate some things and know they'll get done?  (warning: behind the scenes race stuff isn't much fun) Anyone willing to commit to helping on race day?  I would be thrilled if I had even 1 or 2 people who were invested in this with me for the next few weeks.  I can hardly keep track of my own crazy life and what I need to do, let alone the errands and tasks required for the race and my new 'business'.

I need a couple people to be on Team Rachel... like, really on the team... like working along side me instead of me needing to micro-manage everything and constantly follow up because it's not getting done.

Someone recommended that I contact the church in Dover who is raising money to get a new roof and tell them I'll donate to their roof if they will send people to help me.  That sounds fabulous and all - and I don't want to sound like I have a sense of entitlement, because I really don't - but I kind of feel like when you are in the body of Christ, you should not have to pay the body to help.  And I don't say that just because I don't have any more money that I can pay - but it's true, I don't.  I can't 'budget' in any other expenses since I'm not even sure if we'll cover the ones we already have.

OK, so for all of you who can't be here to help... but want to... I have some tangible things you can do from a distance.

1. You can register as a "Virtual Walker or Runner" and participate from where you are. (see post below titled "Join us from far away" (or something like that)
2. You can make a donation on the "You Caring" link at the top of my blog or sponsor one of the following:
   1. Police - $1040 (4 @$260 ea)
   2. Timing Service - $625
   3. Race Announcer - $200
   4. Potties - $250
   5. Shirts - $1000 (we could talk about putting your company logo on the backs of them if that is         something that makes this more appealing to you!)
   6. Course Certification - $355
   7. Awards, gifts, medals - $150
   8. Finish line food and water - $75
   9. Snack stand food - $40
  10. Event Insurance - $302
3. You can sponsor a pledge towards my children's walk (they would be so excited!)
4. You can pray every day.
5. You can send an item for our auction - any item is great - you can mail it to Baby Rachel's Legacy, PO Box 454, Rochester NH 03866-0454

If you are coming to the race to participate and are wondering how you can help more...

1. Print up the pledge sheet and ask friends and family to sponsor your walk/run
2. Ask around for donations for the auction
3. Spread the word and get your friends to join you!
4. Pray every day.
 
If you are around here and would like to (NOT feel pressured or guilty and so you'll do it... but actually *want* to) be a part of this year's preparation for the race - PLEASE message me on Facebook or email me RachelsMama@ymail.com and we can set up a time to get together and come up with a game plan to get me and my family through the next few weeks without me losing my mind - and hopefully make Rachel's Race a success in more ways than one.  By that I mean that I want to do well financially, but I also want to honor Rachel and glorify God through it and I can't do that when I am feeling so overwhelmed.  I am not trying to sound mean or ungrateful, but I really do not want anyone to say they will help if they aren't self motivated to get things done because I literally wake up in the night thinking about the things that are left undone and I NEED people to follow through on their own if they say they will do something.  I promise to not overwhelm you with too many things to do - there really isn't *that* much, it's just a lot of foot work for only me to do.  I can think of a handful of things that I need to do that I have not been able to get to that weigh on me.  It's not like there are a million things - just more than I can do alone.

A friend stopped by and dropped off some diapers today and said to me that she thought my new business was a great idea - and I just dumped all of this on her in a puddle of tears... I'm in over my head and the bottom line is I just can't do it all.

So there you have it - I'm turning in my superhero cape and begging for a hand.

Can you help me?  I'll let you have my cape......