I've definitely hit a low point. I went today to get some art supplies to bring to the hospital when Rachel's born so that we can get footprints and handprints and other keepsakes. I have found a ton of ideas on how to make memories out of the short time we'll have with her. But I can't help but think footprints...handprints...memorabilia? Is that what we're going to leave the hospital with?? Yay. Can't wait. I had someone tell me the other day how "great" this all was going to be. It's going to be "perfect" yeah, it's great & perfect. I'm going to give birth to a baby and my biggest hope is that she'll die in my arms and not before she gets to them. perfect. great. can't wait. I have had people questioning me about the baby shower... it either doesn't make sense to them or their concerned with what I'll do with the money people donate, as if anyone ever gets questioned about how they use a pretty pink outfit that they receive at a shower. I get to throw my baby 2 parties in her entire life and one will be her funeral. I don't need opinions and interrogations.
The hardest part is that it seems at a time in my life when I need understanding the most, people still come through nice & strong with their opinions - so sure that they know exactly what we need to be doing or how we need to look at our situation. They would definitely handle it differently...There's always going to be know-it-alls, but to have people claim, first of all that they are our friends, but then that the problem here is that I am being too easily offended or overly sensitive it absolutely baffling. friends? love? where is it? We must have different definitions. I am absolutely all out of tolerance for it all. Am I sensitive? YES. I am 7 months pregnant with a terminally ill baby. Being pregnant is hard enough on a good day. I don't need people critiquing me and talking about me at gatherings. I need support. Not idol talk and judgement. I need real friends who actually listen when we say something hurt us, and maybe even apologize, but at the very least try not to do it again instead of insisting that it's got nothing to do with their actions. Am I tired? YES I am. I have 3 little kids, I'm homeschooling, I have constant appointments, I'm planning my baby's funeral, I don't get much sleep at night - and did I mention that I'm pregnant?? I am sorry if I'm not living up to other people's standards. Maybe I wouldn't be so worn out and emotional if people would learn that not everything that crosses your mind needs to be said. I'd actually like to crawl inside a hole and hide to be completely honest and it's not because my baby is going to die - it's because it's becoming easier and less painful to be ALONE! Sorry if that sounds negative... never claimed to be perfect. And no, I don't need medication... I need support. And I need support from people who want to offer my definition of support, not theirs. And if that's not possible, then I'd rather be left alone. 3 times on Sunday, I had people ask "is she still moving?" This is not the normal "oh, do you feel your baby move a lot?" this is a "is she still alive?" Yes. She is still alive and I'm beginning to think that I should have never told anyone about this at all. That was the doctor's recommendation. Just don't tell anyone. yeah, this is great. It's perfect. I'm totally psyched about this plan. can't wait. I've come to the place where I just nod and smile and then go away to cry because nobody really wants to know if they've hurt me, they just want me to suck it up and give grace. Well, I'm kinda out of grace and it's probably not coming back for a while. Maybe you could fill in in the meantime?
Love you:)
ReplyDeleteMy dear child. Reading this post I feel like I did when each of you went to school and eventually got treated in a hurtful way. Sometimes it was simply the sticks and stone type. Sometimes it was really hurtful and threatening. I always thought that kids constantly test their limits and boy can they be mean. I also usually wondered what was going on in their home life that would make them feel the need to be so mean. Unfortunately when we are "all grown up" we will find that especially in times of great challenge many around us will gossip, be passive-aggresive, and yes, downright mean. They revert or continue to being childlike in their selfcenterdness (is that a word?)But conversly there will be those that surprise us in their unwavering support and defense. New friends who we instantly feel a connection to that allow us the freedom to be real without persecution. True friendships are forged through strands of great joy and strands of great sorrow. Few pass the test of time. But for those that do............ you will be forever grateful.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mom
PS - Give me the name(s) and I'll slap them upside the head
I am so sorry Stacy. I am sorry that you have to go through this, feeling like you are carrying all the weight. I can only imagine and will never really know. It is hard to find the words to say, but love you so much. Feeling Rachel Alice move was as amazing to me as the days I felt Desirae move all those years ago at Empire. I feel blessed that she didn't get stage fright and let me feel her. love always.
ReplyDeleteHeather
Stacy..
ReplyDeleteI read everyday and usually keep quiet, but cant on this post. You are right. being seven months pregnant can make anyone moody, uncomfortable and emotional. You do have three kids and a lot on your plate aside of being pregnant, and what you may have to face (which I still pray for you that you dont) but i understand your feelings.
I am sure that anyone who is questioning you has either never been a mother or is just forgetting if they are what it feels like to have 9 months of hopes and dreams for what is to be. Every pregnant mother on this earth faces the same fear.....will my baby have all its fingers and toes? Mostly every mother even thinks "it doesnt matter, I will love him/her no matter what" as they wait. We also have to know that there are not many people that are told an outcome of what you have been faced with.
You should do whatever you want to do to celebrate Rachels life in any way that you can. It should not matter if you took money and went on a well deserved vacation to Aruba for 2 weeks at this point. Ignore the best you can anything hurtful you hear and just know that there are people out there that do understand, that do know what loss really is to such a personal level, and do support you 100 percent. I have a draw filled with reciepts and bank statements, I kept the covers to cologne bottles and I stop and smell them prob once a week. I dont think it matters if you knew someone ten years or ten minutes face to face.....when You truly love someone its forever and you want anything that will remind you of that forever.
If you never told the truth.....you are right, you would avoid all of these hurt feelings you have that many may give you without even realizing it, but Stacy.....you would be even more isolated and alone without being able to vent and share your feelings with other people who do or will understand someday. That needs to make it worth it all, in every word that you type and share....dont lose sight of that.
I will never pretend that I think you are ok with this as you write, and maybe you are and maybe you do love God that much, but I know its hurting you more then ever and I also do believe that in time , no matter what happens you will be ok, and I hope that you have every memory possible of how you were feeling and what you went through to look back and read upon, so you can smile....think of Rachel, know she is safe and in a fine place and you will hopefully meet again one day :)
Take care and dont let anyone steer your wheel!!
Melissa
I hope I never say and do anything to hurt your feelings. If I ever do please call me on it. I would never want to be nothing but a supporting friend to you and your family. I can't wait for the shower I think I will buy a party dress or a party hat. Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteDonna
Hey Stace,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting how you really feel and what YOUR real needs are so that your friends who really want to bless you and meet your needs can do that in a way that is actually helpful to you & that blesses you instead of hurting you. You have taught me the value in listening more than speaking, and that it is ok (and actually a very good thing) to be silent and just BE, to do things that are tangibly helpful instead of trying to help by offering my own words, and to pray instead or trying to offer advice of my own that I really have no place in giving, b/c I really don't know what it's like. You have taught me that I don't need to pretend to. I don't need to imagine what I would do in the same situation. I know now that the things that mean the most are unconventional, and what most people may consider to be inconvenient might just mean the most. Please call upon those friends that you have that you know would do anything for you & who really want you to ask! B/c by letting them bless you in the most needed ways (& they really want to!) you really bless them so much. Love you girl! B
Sweet precious girl, my heart is so heavy and so hurt for you Stacy. Reading your blog makes me miss home, and being able to just be there and love you, the way Jesus showed us. You are in a place none of us can even begin to understand, and you are right~what we should do is love you, love Matt and take our 'intentions' to a place of encouragement. God gave you what precious life He gave you for a reason we may ever understand in this life time. Sweet daughter of such a mighty God, I heard something through a song Josh Wilson wrote for a young couple struggling through difficult news about a pregnancy....she said to her husband words that resonated for him and he shared them on video...'if we can trust God with our eternity, we have to trust Him with our now.' I have seen you struggle to live this and I hear in your words and see in your brave steps, you are in that place. Stacy don't let satan distract you from what God has in you. People can be cruel in the ways you are experiencing...and I am so sorry, painfully, heartfully sorry. I am going to repost the video on my facebook, what I am praying for, is you will recieve this as my heart intends it...that you have to hold on to your faith~~not what the ones around you are saying and doing that cause you such pain. You don't need to cry alone, Jesus is still holding the pieces of your heart, knowing and hurting more than you see. I am struggling in knowing what God would have me say but knowing you need to know, you are loved, so loved. For whatever it may be worth to you and Matt, I have been walking silently praying for you and Matt, silently praying Jesus hold you tight.
ReplyDeleteStacy, I wish I could just hold you and love you through this too...it tears at my heart I am removed, all the while trusting Jesus to be your encourager and nuturer.
Rachel is a gift, and Stacy so are you. If you feel weak, be weak and rest with Jesus~~I will be in the wings praying for you, and Stacy know that the best friend I have ever had on earth is the one who sent me to your blog today because she cares so deeply for you and your family.
Sweet Jesus we pray at this moment in time you touch Stacy and Matt in such a way they feel peace in where Our precious Father has them.. Abba, I pray with expectation You shower this family with Your grace and mercy, Holy Spirit fill them with such love they look around to see what is happening, undeniable, unmistakable, You. Adonai Nissi, maker and giver of miracles~touch deep in their soul, refresh and renew Your Spirit within them~wrap all of You around them~~protect their hearts, draw them closer to You. Sweet Jesus, lover of our hearts~~hold this Mothers heart so tight, so close she knows beyond all measures, You are near, Our Father is in control....Almighty King, we pray knowing Your will is our only way. Amen
Praying love, and rest...Paula
I am always thinking of you and Rachel. I love you both and can't wait to meet you at the shower...which, by the way, is a great idea. Baby showers aren't about clothes and toys, they are about showing our love for the new baby and it's mother. Some ladies are too old fashioned to get that. - Anne
ReplyDeleteStacy,
ReplyDeleteI too have been reading on a daily basis, you have people you have never met praying for you, Rachel and your family!!
Much love and prayers are being sent your way, Remember,God works in mysterious ways...C
BTW I picked out the same outfit "my auntie loves me"
We'll have to meet one of these days
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is "wow." It's like you were writing for me. I really think that people are very insensitive. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Big ((hugs)) The only thing that you need in your life right now is support!! A whole lot of it. Nobody will ever know what you are going through. I just told my counselor about you today. What an amazing strong woman you are. This shower is a way for you to celebrate Rachel's life and don't let anyone try to tell you anything different. I still have people say the most hurtful things to me and I feel like I want to be alone quite often. It's okay to feel that way! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Love,
Chrissy
I just caught up on your blog for the past few weeks and realized that you wrote this the same day I had a strong desire to see how you were doing. I consider myself to have a strong faith, but that makes me have goosebumps! I think God sent me a little thought of you to make sure you knew someone was here who knows exactly how you are feeling!! I am always here....and I understand.
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