Unconditional Love

I have been truly blessed to be surrounded by people who are supportive of me carrying our daughter to term - I hear many stories where women find out their babies have anencephaly and have to listen to people tell them how much better it would be for everyone if they just got it over with and ended the baby's life - as if the journey through this isn't hard enough without people adding to it.  I think what those people mean is it would be easier for them.

I've had a few insensitive things said to me, but mostly things that are questioning me, my faith, or what I'm putting myself through.  Nobody has said anything to me yet that shouts "your baby is not valuable enough to sacrifice for." (except the doctors) I can only imagine how lonely that must be.  You can tell yourself all day long that other people's opinions are not important or that what they say is more about them than it is about you (which is almost always true) but it doesn't take the sting away.  When it comes to your baby, there is not much room for opinions.  Most moms understand this and try to be sensitive, although I have met a few who can dish it out but can't take it in.

Since the first day we found out Rachel had anencephaly, my (little) sister has been a rock for me. (she gets that from my mom) She is there when I need her and allows me space when I need that.  Since she was a small girl, her personality has always been laid back and she's not usually the one to jump in and take on a new project or challenge (unless it has to do with fixing my computer, in which case, she's always been my "go-to" person)  But she immediately bought herself a notebook and has kept track of everything I may need to even consider all the way up to the important things I can't forget.  She'll tell me of an idea she has and after a couple weeks of not hearing about it, I assume she's forgotten, only to talk to her and find out it's taken care of.  She has been a blessing all my life, but especially so in the last 6 weeks.  I got an email from her the other day that reminded me why I want Desirae to have a sister that she gets to keep so badly... Here is part of it...

Your story is already amazing and I cant wait to meet her. I was thinking earlier how excited I was for you to have her and to meet her and then it struck me, should I be so excited??? Why am I excited? Is it wrong for me to be happy about her birth? And then I think about the letter Jailyn wrote to her when I first found out you were pregnant. "Dear New Baby, You are the cutest new baby ever. I hope you are a girl" and I remember, I am excited because she is my niece, I love her because, well, how can I not? Jailyn totally looks beyond everything I have told her about Rachel and anencephaly and is just so excited to have another girl cousin whether she lives for a minute or a year. Why cant I look at it that way?

Jailyn is 6 years old.  Our kids are all very close and we love each others' children like they are our own.  I remember that note from the beginning of my pregnancy and am humbled by Jailyn's continued excitement over Rachel.  As adults, we look at the circumstances and add our own opinions and beliefs to it to make the "reality", which often isn't reality at all.  One of the teachers at Tri-City had said to me that Desirae would be a better woman when she grows up for having walked this path with us. It's funny that one of my first worries was how she would handle it and how this would affect her... I'm always worried about her delicate heart. But you know what? The kids seem to handle this with more grace than we do, but they definitely follow our lead.


I am so grateful to have a sister who takes her role as Auntie seriously and loves my children unconditionally - whether they are good or bad, whether they act like she wants them to or not, even if they put moon sand all over her carpet (yes, that happened today), healthy or sick, anencephaly or not.  I am so grateful that I have a sister who does not measure her love for my children by them being perfect in the world's eyes.  I am so grateful to have a sister who is excited to meet my new daughter - who wouldn't miss it for anything - and who is walking with me every step of the way reminding me how special my little girl is.  And I am so grateful for a sister who is obviously teaching her kids to do the same. 

You know, she's not a Christian (although I pray daily that we'll someday share my faith), but that sure sounds a lot like Jesus.