From my experience...

Right before I pulled into the parking lot for my ultrasound, the song "I will praise You in this storm" came on the radio.  I was early for my appt (a sure sign that I'm nervous) and so I sat to listen to it... I felt kind of numb.  I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to hear that song right then.  I had a bad feeling that the baby wasn't going to measure "correctly" and I seriously thought about leaving.  When that song got over, "Falling apart" came on.  I hear that song frequently on my way to or from visiting Rachel.  I started crying.  I sat there in the parking lot for about 10-15 minutes, crying.  So much for being early.

It had been snowing all day (so much for that 55 degree weather we had!) But the snow was strange.  It looked like cotton balls torn up and was swirling around instead of falling.  It looked fake.  I sat there staring at it while I cried.  I cried about Rachel, I cried about how afraid I was.  By the time I went it, I was already well on my way to an emotional breakdown.  Matt didn't make it... My sister was supposed to come and didn't show up (I found out after that she went to the wrong hospital!)  And so there I was...alone again.

I walked in and, what do ya know...daisies on the counter....I gave her my name and looked at the desk...daisies on her wrist support.  I sat down and started reading a story about some celebrity that had a baby girl and all of a sudden the nurse abruptly called a name... "Rachel?"  I jumped and literally gasped...and started crying again.  I was a mess.  I felt like I was in the middle of a serious spiritual attack.

They finally called me in and I made her wait while I tried to call my sister another 3 times...I finally surrendered and got on the table.  I remember a day when ultrasounds used to be fun!  But my experience tells me they are something to fear.

Within a few minutes I heard it...  I'm measuring smaller than I thought I should.  So, she tried the internal...same thing.  My yolk sac was small and she couldn't see the baby.  She just kept saying "I'm sorry I don't have better news for you" over and over.  And then the famous last words... "maybe you ovulated late."

Yep, that did it for me... I had the EXACT same experience with Rachel. "Too small to see, but don't worry, you must have ovulated late."  I know everyone thinks I don't know my body, but I know it better than they do and I know I didn't ovulate 6 days late. That makes no sense, I'm too regular for that and it would have been near impossible to get a positive test when I did if that was the case.


So, now what?  Wait to find out...  Great, just what I'm good at!  Can God just give me a break? 

So what does this mean?  Well, the hard part is it could mean 3 things:

I ovulated later than usual and the baby is fine, but really just too small to see
I am going to miscarry
I will have another anencephalic baby.

Doesn't really narrow it down, does it?  I wish I never went in.  I should have trusted my intuition and waited.  It's not like knowing anything earlier does anything for me except stress me out.  but as I just wrote those 'options' out I realized that I'm really not in any different of a situation than I was when I walked in there.  I knew all three of those were possibilities before I ever got pregnant.  I miss the days when I only thought the 1st one would happen to me.

I cried for a good hour after I left.  It's easy to say that everything will be fine and that I just need to not worry, but it's not realistic.  I know it really could mean nothing, but I don't have an experience in my life that tells me that... my only experience with this, says it's bad news.  I'm praying I will be adding a different experience to my resume this time. 

The nurse told me they see this all the time at 5-6 weeks ( I guess I had counted wrong and I am really only 6 weeks, not 7) But, (s)he is measuring just over 5 weeks.  The exact number of days I was off with Rachel.  I don't think they are lying, I believe that happens, but what I know from my experience is that the doctor told me that it was "normal" and later when I requested my ultrasound report for Maine Med, it said on it "possible complications not ruled out, patient should be closely monitored"  I guess they didn't think I needed to know that.  I guess they also decided against closely monitoring me.  But hey, they are the doctors... I'm just the mama.

For tonight, this mama is still carrying a baby.  I feel at peace, even though I'm not happy with this situation  I'm praying...begging God... to let me keep my baby and hoping that this time, the doctor is right.

My confession:  I think I lied when I said I would take another anencephalic baby any day.  I LOVE Rachel and she was AMAZING... but I don't want another anencephalic baby.  I don't want to wait another 9 months to hold my baby and watch her die.  I don't want to plan another funeral.  I don't want to add another name to Rachel's headstone. I don't even want to build another memorial playground.  I feel bad saying it cause Rachel changed me forever and I am so grateful to have known her and I have no regrets about my journey with her.  But I don't want to ever go through that again.  And I hate the fact that after an ultrasound, a time that should be joyous, all those things go through my mind. 

All that being said, from my experience....no matter what happens, God will carry me and I will be ok.  Please pray for our baby.