Mixed Emotions

I went for my ultrasound today at the doctors to follow up from the first one.  I wasn't nervous at all going into this one since I had the last one at Options go well.  It was still in the back of my mind though that baby measured 6 days small the last two times, just like Rachel had.  I can tell myself a million times a day that everything will go okay, but at the end of the day I'm still a mother who lost a baby and I know it can happen to me. 

When we were in Florida, I woke up having a nightmare that I was losing the baby and got up to go to the bathroom and found that I was spotting.  I can't help but compare everything to my journey with Rachel...and I had mulitple dreams that she was going to die long before I knew it was true.  I have come to a place where I just say "okay, God" and keep going (or in this case, went back to sleep) but it sadly feels almost like a defeated surrender...instead of a happy surrender - if that makes any sense.  I guess I'm still waiting for the ball to drop...

So anyway, a couple minutes into my scan, I said "I know this might sound strange, but can you tell if the baby has a head?"  to which she shifted her body akwardly and said "it... has a head...  what do you mean like is it anencephalic?"  I said yes and told her that my daughter had anencephaly and then she remembered who I was... "oh, that's right, I'm so sorry"  and in my protective Mama way I told her "don't be, she was awesome."  So she looked a little more and pointed out the baby's brain and said "well, you can see here that the brain is developing"

I started crying and didn't stop for about an hour or more... I blubbered like a baby and told her "I am ashamed to say that I have never fully appreciated my children like I should have.  I never went to an ultrasound wondering if my baby had a head...that was a given in my mind... I just wanted to know girl or boy.  I never thought I would have a baby without a head.  I never thought in a million years I would go through this." 

She told me it's still too early to see fully if his/her cranium is all there, but that as of this gensational age (which by the way was moved up to 8 weeks 5 days,putting my due date exactly on track! - I guess I take it back, I wasn't wrong about my cycle!!) :o) the baby looks great.  The heartbeat was 167, which according to old wife #1, that's a girl :o)  Rachel's first one was 163.

Here (s)he is...

(s)he was doing some twists and turns (but only has little nubs for arms and legs right now) and looked like it's definitely following in big sister's footsteps with the dance moves.  I was laughing through my tears watching this little miracle dance around.  I can't believe how much a baby can grow in a week and a half.

I left and sobbed the whole way home.  I was teetering between happiness that my baby has a brain and sadness that I even have to ask the question, does my baby have a head?  I hate that I know the pain of hearing "no".  I hate that hearing that my baby has a brain is a relief.  I hate that it doesn't just make me happy....instead it makes the reality of what has happened to Rachel even more real.  I spent most of the ride home crying so hard I had to catch my breath.  I know I was happy that this is good news for now, but I can't help but wish it could have been this way for Rachel too.  I caught myself appologizng to Rachel as if I could have done anything to change it... as if being here on this earth is better... as if she is the one who suffered.  None of those things are true, and yet I feel guilty that I couldn't have this with her.

Every time I heard the words in my mind "you can see the baby's brain" I cried harder.  And every time I told someone "they could see the baby's brain" I cried even harder.  I came home with a red puffy face and couldn't even say anything to my sister (who was babysitting) except "I'm not crying cause anything's wrong" - saying everything is good is scary...saying the baby has a brain in an excited tone feels wrong.  It almost feels like I'm dishonoring Rachel to desire something that she wasn't.  (here I go again trying to put words to a feeling that is impossible to describe.) 

Anyway, I could go on and on and probably not make any more sense of it so I'll just say that today was a day of serverely mixed emotions.  I am so grateful for good news.  I am still so sad about Rachel.  I've been walking the fine line of grief and joy for a long time now (since August) and I'm getting weary.