I Keep Forgetting

I know I said I wasn't going to be blogging much anymore... and for those of you who are wondering if I've changed my mind... why, yes I have.  And the short version of "why" is that in one week I had 2 blog friends lose their babies and was able to be there for them.  I wouldn't know them, or their sweet babies, if I didn't blog.  I also had a blog follower from Missouri email me and tell me that when she went to sign up at her local Pregnancy Help Center for a "Walk for Hope" in October, they gave her my blog address and told her she should check it out.  I just know God isn't finished with Rachel yet - and He's using me to accomplish that....no matter how inadequate I feel for the job. 

That being said.... here's what happened today...

I woke up in the middle of a dream... I was on this beach, one that although I have no idea where it is, I have been on it in my dreams a bunch of times.  We were on a family vacation and I was watching Matt & the kids play in the water.  As I was still half asleep, I woke up with 'dreamland' feeling real and thought to myself "I better bring an umbrella for the baby next year" and I pictured sitting on the beach with my new little baby girl...  I woke myself the rest of the way to realize that there will be no little girl with me next year.  I sighed as I dragged myself out of bed and went downstairs.  I'm grateful there will be a baby boy with me next year needing an umbrella, I'm just not sure why he wasn't there in my dream.

Then, we were doing homeschool this morning.  It was going well.  We started on reading, Desirae's favorite subject and the last thing we had to do for the day.  As I looked at the scheduled assignment, I decided to glance ahead at the lesson plans.  I noticed there were only 71 one of them and began to wonder if I wasn't supposed to be doing one each day....maybe one a week??  I was thinking out loud and said to Des "Hmmm... I wonder why there are only 71, that won't get us through the school year... I suppose we could keep going doing one every day because I'm sure we'll take some time off when Rachel's born..."

"I mean.... when Asa's born"

I burst into tears.  I couldn't believe I forgot who I am pregnant with.  I was sad because for just a moment, I got to plan as if she was coming and staying - and then I realized it isn't her.  I just kept shaking my head wondering if I'm ever really going to be able to believe that my daughter is gone.  If it ever won't hurt so bad when the reality hits me.  If I'll ever fully accept my reality, even in my dreams...

All I could say is "Lord, please help me."  I wiped my face and turned the page...

"alright, where were we.... read page 15 and 16...."

(and in case you're interested... there is a second book with the rest of the lessons in it that I also forgot about. *sigh*)

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.