DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM

The conversation went like this:

(my words in italics)
How's the baby doing?
He's good, he's amazing.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah, he sleeps good - I mean, he's still a baby and still up a lot, but he is pretty content.  Last night he gave me a 4 hour stretch.
Oh, and when that happens, we always get nervous that they stopped breathing and check on them... it's like 'you got some sleep, but I didn't'.
Well, I slept like a log, but I'm anxious like that all the time, not just at night.  Yesterday they told me he has a heart murmur and I got nervous...(interruption)
I was born with one, nothing to worry about
yeah, my pediatrician told me it was benign and I trust her so I feel okay about it now, but I still worry about if he's going to die sleeping in his swing...(interruption)
Because of a heart murmur?? (add totally confused tone of voice here)
No, just in general, I worry about him all the time.  After I had my baby die in my arms, it's hard not to.
Yeah, but that was different, she was a special situation.  He's whole and healthy so you have nothing to worry about, you need to just relax.
That's easy for you to say  (and I walked out as quickly as I could before I said anything I would regret)

Seriously?  It's acceptable to worry about your baby sleeping for 4 hours without experiencing a loss - BUT if you've lost an "unwhole" baby before then you should know that your new "whole" baby will be fine cause he has a head and therefore worrying about his well being is somehow more unfounded then the 1000's of other women, who have never lost a child, racing to their crib to check if their "whole" babies are still breathing when they first sleep for a long span of time.  UH HUH...  right, that makes sense.

I made it almost through the door before I was sobbing.  I stopped to talk to a friend who was in the lobby and this person came out to where we were.  Instead of saying sorry, this is what I got:

"I wasn't trying to hurt you with anything I said"
I know you weren't
"Well the way you turned on your heels and left, I got the impression I said something that offended you"
It's just that everybody thinks they know, but nobody really gets it  (Tears still flowing)
"Well, we might not get it but we're called to encourage each other and that's what I was trying to do"
and she turned and walked off.

OK,  first of all....doesn't matter what you were "trying" to do - obviously it wasn't "encouraging" to point out that Rachel wasn't whole or to dismiss my feelings and fears.  Just because her death was obviously coming doesn't mean that it makes no sense that I would worry more than normal now.  Babies who die from SIDS are "whole and healthy" - and it's nobody's fault that they die... you can't see it coming.  What do you say to those sweet mothers who have another baby and worry?  Or do you expect them not to either?  I suppose if they had "stronger faith" they wouldn't worry, right?   But the mother whose baby sleeps for 4 hours... oh yeah, that worry is 'called for' and acceptable.

Second of all, when you hurt someone, "I'm sorry" means a whole lot more than a bunch of lame excuses.  And if you really cared to encourage me, that's what would have been said when you realized that you did the exact opposite.  I'm sorry I hurt you rather than "I'm called to do this" with the attitude that I just took it wrong.  Jesus doesn't "call" anyone to be insensitive and uncompassionate.  Sorry, not from Him.  Nice try.

Third of all, my daughter was to "whole" and she wasn't a special "situation" she was my flesh and blood whom I love dearly and would give my life for.  I would like it if people could refer to her as such - not some "thing" that is over now.

Fourth - sometimes it's good to just admit that you don't know it all... that maybe you have NO freaking clue how something might feel for someone instead of ASSUMING you know and callously telling them how they should respond to such a situation.  AS. IF. YOU. KNOW.  - YOU DON'T.  You have NO CLUE.  And no matter how "right" or "accurate" or even "biblical" what you're saying is.... if you aren't concerned with how people feel, you should NOT ask them how they are doing.  And if you don't care how they FEEL, then don't play like you're trying to encourage them when what you're doing is trying to exhort at a totally inappropriate time.

And last but not least, DO NOT ASK ME HOW I AM EVER AGAIN.  From now on, that is a question I refuse to answer.  I honestly can't believe I was stupid enough to enter into that conversation to begin with.  but I won't make that mistake again.  And as a matter of fact, I'm done answering that question to anyone.

I left there and went to pick Isaiah up from school and someone said "Hi, how are you" and I said
"I've decided I'm not answering that question anymore" *smile*

I might sound (and look) crazy, but you know what?  Who cares??   I end up being the crazy one anyway cause everyone has their excuses and their opinion on my reactions - and I'M ALWAYS THE BAD GUY.  So I'm done.  Nobody really cares to *really* know anyway...  they want a "things are great" and if you have anything else to say, they are probably not even really listening cause they are already getting their spiritual answer ready to fire.  F- that.  I'm so sick of it.  Oh how I wish I was the kind of person who didn't mind putting on a plastic face for people.  Especially in a world - and even a church - where that is what people prefer.  It would be easier for everyone, I guess.

I might be telling you about this one conversation today - that has very obviously put me over the edge (I started off this part of my journey on the brink of a breakdown as it was...)  - but THIS IS MY LIFE.... MY CONSTANT INTERACTIONS....AND REALLY REALLY REALLY OLD.  It's everywhere... church, my in-laws, "friends", people out in public.... I'm so sick of it that I can't even find the word to properly describe it.  Digging a grave next to my daughter, jumping in and burying myself alive sounds better than having to endure one more heartless and judgemental conversation.  And since that's obviously not an option, I am done entertaining any more stupid conversations with people just to be polite.  Especially this week as I approach my girl's anniversary.   I'm done nodding and smiling.  done.

AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I WANT TO BE ALONE??  Wow.  Yeah, can't imagine why I wouldn't want to deal with this s*#%.  As if I don't have enough things to cry about and deal with.  I think I have officially gotten completely over caring about people's opinions on what I do and how I handle this all.  And the day that you have to walk a mile in my shoes, we can reasses your opinion of me... and I'll probably get that apology that I should have received today - or last week - or last month - or last August.  Except I won't want it cause I'll already know how much your heart hurts. 
How am I??  I'm great!!!  How are you? *big FAKE smile*
Is that better??
So glad that makes you feel better.