Humbled by His Faithfulness

On Friday,I had spent a bunch of time stringing up lights on my fence...are you ready for this... KNOWING they weren't working.  I had convinced myself that I just needed to go look at the fuse box cause ALL the lights couldn't possibly be broken.  Well, after they were all up, I figured out that the lights were, in fact, all broken.  (or at least that one of them was ruining it for the rest!)

I feel like this is the story of my life lately... I try to get something done, feel like it's going really well, and then get stopped in my tracks.  It happened with Rachel's grave, the lights on my fence, my plan for Christmas cards... the list goes on and on....

So anyway, I was out looking for lights and I found a little Christmas tree and a small strand of lights for just $2.75.  I know, NOT what I was supposed to be looking for, but Desirae had just told me that she wanted one for her room and this was perfect for her.  But the store had a $5 minimum on credit cards and so I kept looking for something else to buy so I could get the tree for her.  I was looking for a solution for Rachel's grave.  But what I came across was this sign:

I looked at it...and realized that I have been doubting this.  I immediately started thinking about Ms. J.  (and other people who have been against me recently... the woman the other day and certain family members)  It'll be easier to write out my train of thought than to try to narrate, so here it is...

Why don't I leave things up to God?  Do I not believe He can handle it?  Why couldn't I just take the 'high road' and keep my mouth (fingers) shut (off the keyboard)?  Why can't I just let Him be my defender?.... when am I going to learn?  It's like I can't get out of my own way. 

I put it in the cart and headed for the check out.  My mind kept going...

I should have just ignored it... I know the truth.... I mean, why can't she (they) see into my aching heart?  Why do I hide behind anger instead of behind God?  Does it ever really do me any good?  It feels safer to defend myself and be angry, but would it hurt any less if I waited on Him... well, He might not have done anything.... and what good has my 'solution' brought?  She (they) probably just feels all the more justified in her harsh opinion of me.  How can I be so misunderstood, even in my darkest valley?  Why do I let people's words cut so deep and bring me further down? 

I looked at the sign again as I placed it on the counter....  God is faithful....  I knew right where it would go in my house - it's going to replace the "Life is not measured" saying that I have next to Rachel's picture since "Ms. J" officially added a negative slant to it in my heart, using it to criticize me - and I wasn't even convinced it brought me much comfort before that anyway.  I thought about how much I desperately need the reminder of my faithful God right now.  Just past Rachel's 1st birthday and about to celebrate Christmas without her and our first Christmas with Asa....being pulled in a million directions physically and emotionally - and this added stress on top of it all.

As she rung me up, I looked over at a box on the counter.  It was filled with rocks that all had a word on them.  I looked through it while she messed with the card machine, which didn't want to take my card!  I looked at them just out of curiosity as I waited....  Health...Peace...Joy... Forgive... I looked away, but couldn't shake it...

I felt it in my heart....forgive....  He is Faithful and Just and He can handle it.  I need to let him.  I need to forgive and let this all go.  Not for them - I'm not sure they really care since they obviously think I was the one that was wrong - but for me, for my kids, for Rachel...  I need to because God forgave me.  

She finally got my card to work...  "oh wait, can I add one more thing?"  I placed the rock on the counter and felt my heart take a big step towards God....Towards believing.... He is faithful.  And because He is faithful, I can forgive and know that He has it all under control.  He won't let my enemies triumph over me.

{I also feel like I should apologize for dragging you all through that junk with me... especially at Christmas.  I know many of you will tell me you don't mind walking through that stuff with me, but I really don't want you to feel 'icky' too as we celebrate the birth of our Savior.  I'm sorry :o(  Thank you for loving me just as I am though. And sorry "Ms J" for lashing back in anger and with sarcasm...to avoid any more hurt, I won't open any more emails from you}

Yesterday morning at church, we sang a song called "Here in Your Presence" and the chorus goes like this:

Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Here were my thoughts as we worshipped, in His presence...

"We are undone" - I'm completely surrendered to Your will, Lord.
"Heaven & Earth become one" - He is with me... Rachel is with me...
"All things are new"- we buried Rachel with the verse "I make all things new"  (As we sang it, Matt looked at me & smiled.  I love it when he remembers her with me)
"Everything bows before You" - He is Sovereign.  And I need to let Him reign in me. I'm humbled by You, Lord.

I need to be in His Presence, surrendered to His will, humbly bowed before Him.

So tonight, Before I went to write this post, I looked up Matthew 28:20, the verse on the sign.  I expected it to be something about how God protects or provides or fulfills his promises - it says:

teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always,

to the very end of the age.

He is ever reminding me that He is in every single detail - and once again bringing me back to the very lesson I learned through my sweet Rachel...  there is blessing in humble obedience.  How is he faithful to me?  He is always with me, patiently teaching me how to obey and leading me... He is with Rachel... He makes all things new.

And as He revealed this to my heart, I could see that while I was busy trying to find something in that store to make Rachel's grave look prettier....He was busy trying to show me that He already had a 'solution for her grave'.... Him.  He made her new.  I can trust Him.

OK, and here's one for you... I just looked up the verse we buried Rachel with so I could post it.  Desirae had only written "I make all things new" on Rachel's drawing - I didn't remember the rest, but check out the end of this verse.... 

I mean, seriously, you think He's trying to get a point across?

Revelation 21:5

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.