Capture Your Grief 2013 - Day 17

I've wanted to participate in the 2013 Capture Your Grief Photography Project...  I hate the fact that I'm starting late, (there is one for each day of the month) but if I can manage, I might go back and do a couple of the previous days/topics.  There were a couple that really resonated with me. 

I've been finding it hard to blog lately... I'm in a bit of a rut emotionally and so I thought the topics and direction could be helpful in me working through this new stage of my grief.  Writing has always helped me find God in all of this.  So, here I go.....

Day 17: Time: How long has it been since your baby died?

She entered the world at 10:27 am on December 3, 2010. 

The doctor was checking regularly to see if her little heart was still beating as they stitched up my womb.  I asked Matt to bring her over to have him check again.  I had a feeling she was gone.  I watched in anticipation for his response....

He looked around as he held the stethoscope to her chest.  He looked up at Matt and nodded.  Matt looked at me.  Everyone looked at the clock.  11:10am.  43 Minutes. 

It's been 2 years, 10 months, 2 weeks, and 12 hours since she left.  Exactly. 

Not that I'm counting.

I tend to stay up later than Matt.  I find myself missing her most at night when I am not so busy with the other kids and the daily grind.  It seems that almost every single night, I 'just happen' to walk past the stove and glance at the clock just when it says 10:27.  It still stops me in my tracks every time.

Tonight I waited for it so I could take the picture.  I grabbed a snack while I messed around with the lighting so I could make sure I got it right before I took the photo for this post. 

It seemed like 10:26 took forever.  It turned to 10:27, I took 4 photos... and before I even got one I liked, the minute was over.  I felt that same sense of disappointment in "time"....  it never goes fast when I want it to go fast and when I want it to slow down, it refuses.  It's been a LONG 2 years, 10 months, 2 weeks and 12 hours.... and yet it feels like it was yesterday that I held her in my arms.