Another December Heartbreak

After my post about meatloaf, I got a small package and was brought to tears when I opened it to find a real chef hat in it.  (thank you Lisa)

On Saturday I went to visit my Papa and although he was doing much worse than the previous visit earlier that week, we had a really good visit.  He was joking and smiling and seemed glad to have company.  His son Gary and his wife Elaine were there when I got there, so when Papa got too tired to talk, he either dosed off or listened to us talk and reminisce about the "good old days" as we read through some of his journal.  At one point Elaine said that her daughter follows my blog (I haven't seen Papa's kid and grandkids in years so I had no idea any of them even knew about Rachel!) and that since we do so much to help so many others, she wanted to give me a little something... she reached in her wallet to hand me something and my Papa blurts out "You better get your check book out, she has a lot of kids!"  

I sat next to him on the bed and reminded him about our meatloaf Fridays and asked if he remembered telling me each week that I needed a chef hat.  He said he did.  So I pulled out the chef hat Lisa sent me and told him how a friend read about that and sent it to me.  I put it on and he got the biggest smile...  when I sat next to him to take this, my eyes welled up with tears.

I feel like life is a constant tightrope of joy and sorrow.  Trying to smile when you want to cry.  Trying to make memories that will help your heart after they are gone.  Holding onto old memories and having no idea where all the time went...  

I have been so sad.  This man has been so much to me.  I'm not ready to say goodbye.  We were told today that hospice says it won't be long.  And it's kind of obvious.  sigh.

So I made a little meatloaf.  Knowing he hasn't really eaten since Thanksgiving (other than Ensures).  But I had that child like faith that maybe if he saw my meatloaf (that I put on his old dishes, with his old silver wear that I now have that we also used way back then) that he'd take a bite or two.  I wasn't hoping for a lot, just a bite.  I made two plates for us on saucers so it would look like a full plate with baby amounts of food and I went to see him.  

He had absolutely no interest in it.  He refused to even look at it. :(  He looked much worse than on Saturday and wasn't able to even sit up to take his indigestion medicine (which is the only thing he takes, I can't believe that... He's a tough cookie)  The nurse did get him to take a couple bites of pudding.  

I stayed for a long time, praying by his bedside and offering help when he woke up choking or whatever... but I'm not even sure if staying was the right thing to do.  I have. no. idea. how to do this.  It's all I think about, I can't fall asleep at night, (well last night was fine because they added another blood pressure medication and it helped my bp all the way down to 80/50... can't find a happy medium...I thought I might never wake up!)  but the past few weeks, have been very hard for me.  

I left there, trying to hold my tears until I got out of the building, but I made it to the last doorway in the hall and a loud gasp came out... a worker asked if I was ok and gave me a hug.  When I started talking, I realized I was practically hyperventilating and having a full blown anxiety attack.  I blubbered "I'm just not ready for this." and then told her I was not able to breathe and needed to go.  And I've been crying on and off since.

Another December heartbreak.  

Please pray for us.