I AM HIS

I have had a very hard week... in more ways than one.

In case you are wondering, yes, I ditched Facebook again.  I went back on to try to help spread the word for Rachel's birthday - and it helped!! Thank you all!!  But I quickly have gone back to being on it more than I even want to be.  I will be back eventually I'm sure, but for now I want to concentrate on my family and the time I have with them - and honestly, I don't feel like friendships get deeper on social media.  I saw more people in person or talked to live people on the phone, while not on Facebook than I had in MONTHS before - or have since I've been back - and that's what I need right now... real connection.  Email me at rachelsmama@ymail.com if you need to contact me!  Or if you have my #, text or call me.

So anyway, on Tuesday, the 9th - Des & I were supposed to go to a ladies conference at Bethany Church (where Matt & I got married) and I ended up being way more sad about Rachel's anniversary than I had ever imagined and topped off my day with a severe headache.  I medicated myself instead of wasting my time at the ER and so even though my headache was under control, my driving wouldn't have been so we had to skip it... which was just another thing that made me feel discouraged.

So Wednesday, Matt & the kids usually have stuff going on, but they skipped so Des & I could go to the 2nd night of this conference... We packed our own Gluten Free cookies because we heard there would be lots of cookies there.

It was SO good for my heart.... I was super excited to be entering into this new phase of life with one of my daughters.  She is growing up way too fast, but she is growing into such an amazing young lady and to sit side by side with my daughter in a church pew *not* on Sunday morning (although that is great too) to connect on a level that only women can... I was just so thankful for her.  I'm thankful that she is mine, that she is here and ultimately, that because of her own faith in Jesus, even if I die tomorrow, I will see her again.  Nothing can ever separate us.  That bond is something I never fully understood until God revealed it to me this year with Rachel... and now as my children get older and have to make their own decisions about what they believe - there is absolutely nothing in this world that I want more than for them to know Christ.  NOTHING.

I had gone to get my massage at the hospital right before we had to leave... I had $43 that my friend Michelle sent me to use towards one, and so originally I only booked 30 mins.  But I decided to pay the difference, which was only $12 and go for the hour because my neck/shoulders are a mess.  So, half was through the massage, she told me that they used to give them on the maternity floor at the hospital, until the budget cuts.  I said I was a victim of those budget cuts... I had Isaiah at that hospital and since he was born on the weekend, they gave me a voucher to come back and get a massage later.  I waited too long to use it and by the time I called, they told me they no longer offered that bc of the budget cuts.  She asked if I still had the voucher and I said no, he's 8 now!  She said "Well, if you were enjoying this massage before, I hope you enjoy it even more now that you know it's FREE!"

I cried... and I said "Awesome, now I can book another one!"  I told her how I got the money for it and about Rachel..... sigh.

So when I got back to get Des, I was late, she was in the shower (I did mention she's growing up... only a pre-teen - or her mom. LOL - would get in the shower just before it is time to go!!)  I threw some cookies in a bag and we were starting to stress and I said "Well, if we're late, it's ok... let's just enjoy the night because it's no fun if we're all uptight."

We walked in over 10 minutes late and went up to pay for our tickets (with the money I didn't have to spend on the extra massage time!!) and the lady said "Here's two tickets... just go in... it pays to be late!"

And later as we stood in line to get the book the speaker wrote signed, (which I would not suggest reading, unfortunately!) someone approached me and asked if I was "Rachel's mom".  I smiled and said yes...she said she reads my blog.   I love how she is known everywhere we go.  I love hearing her name...I will never tire of hearing that someone else recognizes me as her mama and that they are interested in what I have to say!  That still blows my mind... that so many people read what I write... it's crazy!  Thank you!  (And I wish I would have given you a hug!!)

I just can't believe how much we have been blessed this past couple of weeks... over and over!  It's amazing.  

We left there and stopped at the Mall for some late night girls shopping!  I LOVE having a daughter here with me!!  It makes me miss Rachel at times to know all I will miss, but at the same time I cannot imagine if I didn't have her here.  I didn't know when I had her she would be the only girl I ever got to do girl things with... I wish I would have soaked it all up more.  But the best I can do is take that understanding from here and pray that we will grow closer and closer each year...  and that I will still be around for her big life moments to celebrate them with her.  Because I'll tell you what, after doing Lindsey's shower, I cannot wait to be able to give my daughter her baby shower(s)!!!  She'll have some good parties with this Nana on board. :)  Hopefully I don't drive her nuts! lol.

Last night I had a pretty bad scare health wise.  I don't know what happened.  It was after just 15 minutes of moderate exercise (that I was doing for a lot of months until late August) and I seriously thought I might drop dead.  I didn't even feel like I was over doing it at all.  But my legs and lips went completely numb (couldn't stand) and I got really sick.  My blood pressure was normal for once so I have no idea... all I know is I know that God would take great care of my family if I left too soon, but I want to take care of them.  Nothing seems to be turning up on any of the tests and I really believe it's because most of it has to do with my MTHFR mutations being uncontrolled for too long now and there isn't a doctor I've seen that has a clue about it at all.  Please pray for me that I will be able to get in with a doctor who can help me get this figured out so I can start getting strong again.  I really fear that if I don't find someone who knows what they are doing, you will be reading my obituary in the not so distant future - OH, I hope it is a good one!  LOL, I seriously just worried about who will write my obituary!  I'm a writer to the depths of my being!

I just hope that if I never got to write another sentence that anyone who knows me - whether in person or through this blog for Rachel... knows that I love my God and that He is good, even when life is hard.  I hope my kids know even a glimpse of the fierce and unconditional love I have for them and the loyalty I have for them, for their Daddy and for Jesus.  Because Jesus pulled me up out of my darkness and gave me Matt and from there, all of these beautiful babies... including Rachel... and although we regularly feel broke, we never go without.  We live a RICH life.  And although we haven't always liked what has come our way, His plan has been the best for us... And if I never see another day, I adore Him for all he has been to me and my family and I will adore Him for all of eternity in heaven.

If you don't know where you will go when you die, I beg you to ask Jesus if He's real... and be prepared to go for the ride of a life time.  Because He IS and when you knock, the door will be opened. Also be prepared to make some changes as He gently leads you to a life more like He requires.  Anyone who says you can be a Christian and do whatever you want doesn't know Jesus.  Following him requires sacrifice, but not as big as the one he made for us!  Life won't get easy - you've seen my life, right? - but there isn't a better life to live.

I adore Him.

And as it says in the picture above with Des... I am a daughter of a King who is not moved by the world - for my God is with me and goes before me.  I do not fear because I AM HIS.  

I will probably need to recite that to myself over and over, but it's exactly what I need to remember in these times of uncertainty.  He is the Answer.  I need to seek him.  Not anything or anyone else.  Him.  And when I do, He will grant me everything I need.  I am not told to not fear because my life will be easy.  I'm told to not fear because I AM HIS and He has this.

And so when I fear, because I am also human and I will.  I will recite this and remember who holds life and death in his hands.  It's all Him. And I'm all His.  And my God will take care of me in life - and my God conquered the grave and so death will have no victory over me.

Think on that this Christmas season.... why do we celebrate?  I know we remember the baby in that manger...we remember his birth.  But we should also remember the entire story and think on His death... what he did for us sinners.  I celebrate because even with all the ways I've failed and fall short... and all the ways I have sinned against him and others, he says I AM HIS.  

And one of my all time favorite pieces of Scripture just came to mind..... 

Isaiah 43:1-4

But now thus says the Lord,

he who created you, O Jacob,

    he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

    I have called you by name, you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

    and the flame shall not consume you.

3 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I give Egypt as your ransom,

    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.

4 

Because you are precious in my eyes,

    and honored, and I love you,