On Rachel's Birthday

Well, it's officially December 3rd.  And I've already cried most of it away.  I need to get to bed, we have a big day planned for today, but I thought I'd share the responses I got to the "Can you take me back?" post...  Thank you to everyone who took the time to write - it was emotional reading some of this, but I needed it so much. I know that if you remember where you were when you first heard about her, then the moment must matter in your heart and that means a lot to this mama at this point in the journey when she feels so far away.

So here they are.... What Rachel's birthday was like for you....

"I don't remember what page I saw it on but December 2, 2010 sometime around 11 p.m. I saw a post asking people to pray for the Aube family. They were preparing to meet their baby girl the following morning and they were told their precious baby girl would most likely die shortly after she was born. I followed the link to your blog and I spent the next several hours reading, praying, crying, praying some more and wondering how Rachel's birthday would play out. I checked your blog about 20 times throughout the day hoping for an update and praying for good news...not really even know what to consider good news. I just kept praying that you would get the chance to meet her alive! I prayed for peace in your heart and mind. That evening you posted about her birthday and I remember smiling when I saw her picture and feeling so happy for you guys that you finally got to meet your girl! She was beautiful! My heart was bouncing back and forth between be being happy and excited for you guys to an overwhelming sadness for you. I wanted to know more about her and her amazing family so I kept checking in and I was overcome with emotion reading your heartfelt words for your girl and our God! I am so sorry that I had to find you this way but I am so thankful to Rachel and God because our paths have crossed and I have found a wonderful, best friend that I love and cherish with all my heart! I love you and your girl and I always will!"  -Lisa



"I don't know when I first followed Rachel's story. But I read that you had a birth plan all set up. And found a team at the hospital who would respect your decisions. I was at my brother and sister-in-laws house and asked if I could use their computer. My SIL asked "Why?" I told her I wanted to see if the baby had been born. She asked "Whose baby?" And as I opened my account, I told her the story of you finding out at your sonogram that Rachel had anencephaly. Then i had to explain that to my SIL. I opened the page and saw beautiful little Rachel Alice and was thought of how happy you must be holding her. But then it hit me that she was not in your arms. I had to quickly read on and cried and cried. My SIL cried along with me. Rachel touched everyone who "met" her. I rationalized that she was with Jesus. But it hurt. It hurt me that you didn't get to hold her longer. 43 minutes didn't seem like enough. I guess I knew that you were "prepared" or as much as a family can be when the outcome that they were told about comes about. But I was deeply sad. Sad because I knew that you weren't anywhere near as prepared as people would expect you to be. How could you be? Holding that precious little baby and saying goodbye. It took me days to come around to thinking that you met her in your heart and you held her and saw her after birth. She was and IS alive in Jesus. Though only temporarily "living" in this world. I believe she wanted to tell you "Thank you Mama. Thank you for loving me so much that you saved my life."  -Chris

"Stacy,

I found your blog when a friend posted the link on facebook. It was probably mid September when I started reading, and I went back and caught up on the posts from the start. I was in my bedroom in my mom's house, and was taken aback by your honesty and courage to share your pain so openly to the whole world. I've since checked your blog regularly for updates.

That fall I was going through the pain of a broken heart from the ending of a romantic relationship and your words of constant hope through your heartbreak lifted me. (Silly, I know, but I truly loved the guy as evidenced by the fact that we're now married.) 

December 3rd, 2010 was the day I took my Utah state American Sign Language interpreter written certification test. It was the first step to becoming legally able to work in the profession I had fallen in love with. As you counted down days to the meeting your daughter, I counted down days to testing. 

All through the morning of my test, Rachel's birthday, I kept thinking of you. It was impossible not to as the two events, my test and her birth, had melded in my head. I remember looking up from my exam and thinking "I can't wait to get home and check Stacy's blog." 

I think of you often on different dates that are significant to you, as many of them are somehow significant to me as well. It's kinda weird, actually.

I don't know what my future holds, or how many children I may have, but God has used your blog to open my heart to the possibility of having a disabled child, either by birth or by adoption. I've also been made more aware of the pain and grieving that goes with losing a child: something my mom didn't experience so I didn't see growing up.

You and Rachel are always in my thoughts."

Sarah

 

 

 

"Hi Stacy,

I still have a pretty vivid, almost tangible memory of the day that Rachel was born.  I have never experienced someone else's grief so profoundly as I did that day or in the days that followed, nor have I since.  I remember that the memory verse for my homeschool kids that week was Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." All day long as I waited for an update I would think of you and picture meeting and losing your child all in the same day and I would pray those words for you, because I had none of my own.  As I prayed those words I would literally picture God piecing your broken heart back together.  The other word I repeated over and over to the Lord was  "joy".  It was all I could say but God knew what I meant.  That in the midst of this you would somehow have joy in meeting your beautiful daughter.  And in the midst of such deep sorrow I know that you did and that is beautiful, she is beautiful."

Love,

Emily

 

 

"Hi Stacy,

 

I started following you when I read about you in the Fosters. I followed your blog every day, and today still check daily to see if you  have written anything.

 

I have to say that at first, I would read your blog as I drank my morning coffee before getting ready for work. But as her birthday came closer, I had to switch to afternoons when I got home as I would cry so hard my eyes would be swollen. I prayed for you and Rachel and Matt and the kids daily. 

 

The day she was born, I sobbed .  My heart broke for you. I couldn't even imagine the pain you were in . It was amazing though  to see the grace and strength that God gave you through it all and still today as well. It was amazing to see how far your story went across the world, all the red dots that symbolized people that were reading about you  and praying for you and Rachel.

 

You are an amazing woman that has opened her heart and pain to so many people! You may have felt alone in the hospital or even today, but I can assure you, that you are not, at least in spirit. People following your blog may have dropped off, but I have no doubt at all, that Rachel has not been forgotten. To this day, when I see a daisy, I think of her (and you). I don't think that will ever change with me, and I am sure that will never change with others."

 

Cindy

 

 

"Hi Stacy,

I wanted to share with you my story about the day Rachel was born.

 

I started following your blog after the story in the Fosters about you and your uncle Dale.  I found that the more I read the more I wanted to read, the more my heart seemed to be connected.  For some reason I almost felt like I shouldn’t be reading it so much, like it was so personal and I didn’t know you that it was like reading your diary.  Except I knew that you put it online for a reason…

 

The day you were due to deliver Rachel was marked in my calendar at work (since that’s where I’d be at the time), but I didn’t need the reminder.  I checked the blog all morning waiting to get some news and praying you would get to use that car seat.  And when I finally got the news of her 43 minutes, my heart sank.  It was so crazy how invested I felt in you and your baby girl and your story but it really touched my heart, even though I had never met you.

 

Thank you for sharing Rachel with all of us.  You (and Rachel) have made a difference in the world and have helped BLMs like me and also helped us reach out to other BLMs.

 

Keep me posted if you do something on her birthday."

 

Love,

Cyndie

 

 

"I was at the Nutcracker...Natalie was a bon bon. I was checking the computer as much as I could for an update (in between dances!) . I told another Mom the story..she had lost her son to cancer a few years ago. She was checking the blog too. I found out when I got home. I read your post and bawled my eyes out. I was so glad she was born alive. I had hoped for more time for you guys. But was glad for the 43 minutes you had with her."  - Jenn

 

 

"Dec 3rd, I remember all the waiting of that day. Praying all day long, not even knowing what to be praying for. I remember I spent a lot of time holding my daughter Bella (who to this day is still very aware of who Rachel is) I must have checked the computer 100 times, praying was all I could do. Stacy I prayed for you not just as a person but as a mother! Rachel did and has over the 3 years changed me as a person ,wife and especially a mother. Forever in my heart! Sweet precious little girl!"
Love always Elisha.

"I was at work, working in the Neonatal step down unit, night shift. It was 2011. A girl who is friends w/ Jill (not sure her new last name) told me your and Rachel's story. I felt drawn to read your blog, and when I saw the picture of your side profile, pregnant with Rachel, I remember thinking how beautiful that pic. was. I wanted to know your whole journey, and it truly changed my life. ♥ you and your girl."  - Lori


"I was in the waiting room at Maine Med with other family and friends who had gathered to support you and Matt. I remember walking around a lot. There's a lot of snapshots in my mind from that day. Your dad showing Jailyn and Desirae some game on the computer. The clock on the wall that seemed to move too fast and stand still all at once. The helicopters taking off and landing - wondering about the peoples who's lives were changed / saved by those whirlybirds. My bag packed with a weeks worth of "safe foods" for Sam. The clock again. Eating pizza in the cafe with Kim. The huge kick Rachel gave my hand just as you were being wheeled out of your room. Matt smiling through tears. The clock.......... Finally Meagan is there in the middle of the room. You could only have one other person in the O.R. with you and you chose her to share this moment with - not knowing she would be the only person other than you and Matt to meet Rachel this side of Heaven. She would bring the news we hoped to never hear. Looking flushed, sweaty & speaking fast as if the words hurt her tongue - she said Rachel was born alive but had already gone. I don't remember the rest of what she said. I was so sad I didn't get to hold her. My heart broke and I'm not sure I will ever be the same."  -Mom (Rachel's Nana)

"I remember my heart breaking into a million pieces again and sobbing in my living room. I know I don't stay in touch very well but you are NEVER far from my thoughts."  - Dorie

 

"I didn't hear about Rachel until I read it in Focus on the Family Citizen magazine in Februaryish (I think) 2012, a few months after my daughter passed away. And I wouldn't have been able to make it through 2012 without you and Rachel! " - Kelli

 

 

"I was with you and disappointed you didn't have more time but 43 has come to have such meaning-I can only believe in god's will. I never imagined I would meet such a wonderful family and make such a good friend that day. I love how many lives she has helped you touch!"  - Kim  (our nurse)

 

"I found out about Rachel shortly after I lost Hope, when a facebook friend commented on a photo of newborn Asa and you had posted "I Just Want Her too". I shed so many tears reading that, it was so beautifully out and poignantly eloquent and beautiful. I was only just beginning to realise how many other people had lost babies, and reading about Rachel and how God carried you through I was, and continue to be, inspired by the promise of seeing our babies again"  - Chloe

 

If you remember where you were when you either heard of Rachel or found out that she was born and lived for 43 minutes, feel free to share about it in the comments below, I'd love to hear about it...

 

Not Ready for December

Yesterday I went with a friend to pre-plan her dad's funeral at the same funeral home Rachel was at. 

I'm lost for words on this post right now, but if I don't share it now, it won't happen. 

I hate that I feel like I'm good at planning a funeral.

I hate that I've planned one...

And I really hate that it was Rachel's... although I do have to say it was a beautiful service - for a funeral.

But about the time that I stepped foot into the funeral home on our way home from the hospital, I realized that my life had just taken a turn that no matter how "pre-planned" it was, I could never have anticipated.  I was not ready for what that December - and every December to follow - was going to hold for me.  Knowing ahead of time didn't change a single thing about how the loss of my daughter hit me. 

That night, December 6, 2010, I left the hospital with empty arms to go visit my dead baby at the funeral home and I was scared to death of what she was going to look like - but couldn't wait to get to her.  It had been 2 days since she went ahead of me from the hospital.

I remember the director holding the door for me as I walked in... I remember her saying quietly, "She's right in here on the couch."  And I remember dropping to my knees next to her and kissing her all over.  I remember them telling me to "Be careful" because I had just had a C-section. 

A long time after hearts became another one of Rachel's "hi's" I realized that there were hearts on the bottom of the footies I buried her in.  Makes me think of her little footprints everywhere.

But I didn't remember if I had held her.  I knew I must have picked her up - and I remember having a breakdown because I was trying to swaddle her and it wasn't working out right. (Ironically, as I wrote that I just remembered that the same thing happened when I first had Ezra - hormones are fun)  And I knew I put her into her casket - because I have photos, not because I actually remember that.  But I don't have a photo of me holding her on that couch.  I wish I did.

I remember the Christmas tree so brightly shining in the dark.  It felt so warm and cozy in there.  I called it "Rachel's tree." 

On the way over yesterday, I said to my friend that I was wondering if they had put her tree up yet.

Once again, Tammy held the door open for us and we chatted for a minute before she said "Would you like to see the tree?  We just put it up today." 

This year they did a patriotic theme... Let freedom ring...

After we went upstairs so my friend could pick out the items she wanted, we came back through and stopped at the room Rachel was in.  My friend said "I see you still have the kids room?"  And I smiled because I had not known that room was meant for kids... but how appropriate that is where Rachel awaited her burial.

I went in and looked at the couch.   Everything in the room looked just the same. Even the blanket and pillow on the back of the couch.  I expected to have a breakdown and fall to my knees again, but I didn't - and I didn't feel like I wanted to....  At the risk of looking and feeling crazy, I pulled my Rachel bear from my bag and sat with 'her' on the couch.  Maybe if I was alone, I would have cried... maybe not... 

I propped up my Rachel bear and took a picture of her sitting in the last place Rachel ever laid outside of a casket.

When we got in the car, I cried on and off the whole way home - pretty much any time I talked about her, I cried.

This morning I woke up and saw the snow.  December 1st. 

I looked at it and looked away as I said "Ugh, December... I'm not ready for it."

And I'm totally not ready for it.  Please pray for me.

Behind the Curtain

I stepped into the shower and closed the curtain.

My mind wandered...  thoughts of Rachel flooded in.  Thoughts of a few other stories I've recently heard of babies with anencephaly and the frustration with why they seem to hurt my heart.  Maybe it's just too close to Rachel's birthday for comfort?  Maybe it's another phase of my grief?  Why is it harder now than it was a year ago.... or even right after she died?  I'm so worn out from trying to live each day in this new position we call a bereaved mother.  It's a lot of work.

I started to cry.

I know the shower isn't an unusual place for people to cry, but when I do cry there, it doesn't often last long.  I never realized it until this morning, but think the strange feeling of crying without being able to feel the tears is actually a distraction for me. 

This morning, the realization of how I need to feel the tears in order to have a 'good cry' made me cry harder...  and the more I concentrated on the fact that I couldn't feel my tears through the water, the harder I cried.  Soon, I was sobbing. 

I cried the deep cries that leave one feeling exhausted. Without having to worry about smudged make up, being discovered, or making my kids worry.... I let it out without reservation.

I could feel my nose begin to get stuffed up, I could feel my breathing become harder, I could feel the tense muscles in my face and belly.  But it wasn't until I cried so hard that I could feel the tears that it felt like it had done what the crying set out to accomplish.

I felt the warm pools of water in the corner of my eyes and finally felt relief.

It confirmed for me once more that God heals me through the brokenness.  That trying to brush my pain aside will never truly bring healing.  I need to feel the tears to relieve the pain.  And maybe that is why God created our eyes like He did.

I stopped the water and opened the curtain... the only proof of my meltdown were the red eyes left behind...and I prepared myself for another day as Rachel's Mama...  something I would never change, but requires some time behind the curtain.

Care Basket Sponsor

We have one week left until Rachel's birthday and we've almost reached our goal!  THANK YOU!!

I was blessed to make up a card to put in one of Rachel's baskets in memory of another little baby - my friend Monique's son, Sebastian.  I love to find ways to help other families honor their babies through Rachel's life and the things I do for her...  If you would like to sponsor a basket in memory of your baby, please let me know by Saturday!  

Here is what we will include - Sebastian's Mama picked the quote at the bottom....

She Has Eternity

Yesterday we had our "Winter Baby Birthday Bash" and it was amazing.  We celebrated Desirae's 11th, Isaiah's 7th, Rachel's 3rd and Asa's 2nd birthday.


First, let me say that I did this for a couple of reasons - for one, we have 4 birthdays with Thanksgiving and Christmas all within 6 weeks of each other. This helped simplify our lives.  But another part of it was that I was scared to death that if I had a party for Rachel, nobody would show up.  I told myself I didn't need a party for her anymore, but as the seasons changed and I felt 'her time of year' coming, I knew my heart couldn't handle that.  I figured this way, I wouldn't know if nobody showed up for Rachel.  I also knew that whether they liked it or not, the people who did come would think of her and hear me say her name. And even though I felt like I was shorting them all by not giving them their own party (I LOVE throwing them each a party), I felt good knowing that Rachel was getting the same as the rest of them.

I mentioned in my last post that not many that were there when Rachel was born were coming.  My parents and my nurse/friend Kim were here. I think this was the only downfall to combining the parties - it kind of made it less of a serious day, I think (for lack of better words) so maybe it was easier to turn down. For some reason, being with the people who met Rachel on her day I feel closer to her... and I feel less like I needed to explain anything to anyone.  They were all there and they know what the day held for me. 

But this is where combining the parties was good for me... because this house was hopping!  It was great.  God met needs I didn't know I had.

We had a lady named Claire offer to make Rachel's birthday cake this year as a gift and when I said we were combining the birthdays, she worked with me to incorporate everyone.  She delivered the most amazing cake and cupcakes I've ever seen!  I looked at it and thanked her, but when she left and I *really* looked at it and told the kids how she didn't charge us for it, I started crying...  Rachel has brought us so many amazing people who have a heart to help us just because she is loved.  It's humbling.  I'm just so thankful for that.  Please know that even when I don't say it (which I hope is not often!) my heart overflows with gratitude for every ounce of love we are given as we walk this path.

Here are some photos (wish the quality was better, these don't do any of this justice - I failed in the photo department this party)




Yes, these are edible!!  "Asa" is skiing! :)

Not sure if she did it on purpose or not, but Rachel's name is in Christmas colors. (love it!)

Another spin on my homemade cupcake holder... snowflakes and snowballs on the cupcakes!  She put a snowflake under Rachel's #3 - my irreplaceable girl...



 

Des & I had fun decorating... (with TONS of technical help from my dear friend Lisa)

The "Arctic Freeze Punch" was a huge hit and super cute.

 

The kids' favorite food name was "Penguin Poop" - AKA: Meatballs - lol.

 



 My favorite part about combining the birthdays is that this is the first year since the day she was born that we sang happy birthday to her...  It was such a surprise blessing for me.  It wasn't a piece of the day that I had given much thought to, but I was so thankful for it when we did it...

 



They all got their own cupcake with edible penguin - Sam ate Rachel's for her, since he didn't have one.

Des was missing Jay - she's always at the top of the guest list.

The penguin piñata...  I loved how the belly had a white heart on it.

The birthday bunch

 

I set up a little station with some favors for guests to take home ("penguin snacks" AKA: Goldfish!)and with one of Rachel's birthday baskets on it for people to look through.  I really loved being able to show people the things I've been working on - and to be able to talk about the day Rachel was born as I did.

And of course, daisies and Rolo's...

 

At the end of the party, I discovered a bunch of cards/gifts for my girl that I hadn't realized people had brought.... it left me speechless.  I had a smile from ear to ear.  THANK YOU to everyone who celebrated her with me.  You have no idea how much I needed it.  It seems crazy to some, but there is nothing as good as seeing Rachel's name written by someone else... to just have her get a card, regardless of the contents or words does something for me that I can't explain, but I so need. To know that she is remembered and that people know that I want her to be included and are willing to include her means the world.  My heart has been so heavy and I've been having an extremely hard time with this birthday approaching.  I'm not ready for her to be gone 3 years already - as if I can change that fact with denial??  I was desperate to have friends and family remember her with me - and God has provided.  thank you.

An unbelievably perfect gift from my friend Donna - it's a Precious Moments vase.
Every moment is precious.... and since we still have fresh flowers always on the counter to represent Rachel's presence in our home, I now have the most perfect vase to put them in!  She has touched so many hearts.  Especially mine.

Rachel's gifts...including enough money to cover 2 more care baskets!!  THANK YOU ALL!!!

I wanted to go to Rachel's grave and let a couple of the balloons go, but wasn't able to make it there. As I was cleaning up from the day, I looked outside and snow was falling, just like it did on Rachel's birthday in 2010.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I like to believe God was letting me know that she isn't as far away as she feels.

 

It was a perfect Winter Baby Birthday Bash... with a perfect ending for this winter baby Mama's heart.  I can't believe it's been 3 whole years...and yet I can't believe it's only been 3 years.  I can't believe how hard it's been and how many tears I have cried... I can't believe how much it has hurt and how actually physically painful a broken heart can be.  And yet I can't believe how beautiful this journey has been, how many blessings I have received, how great and unending God's love is for me and my family... I can't believe how many times I have smiled, how many times I have been able to bless others through it all... I can't believe how far her story has reached and how many times I have heard that she has changed someone's life - through her death. 

 

I've always said that I would want to keep her if I could have.  And in my humanness, I probably would.  But when I can see the big picture through God's eyes, I wouldn't change a thing.  So, this might sound wrong, but hopefully it will make sense... it just dawned on me that I would love to have another little girl someday, but I don't want it to be Rachel (see, having trouble putting that into words...)  I just mean that I love her for exactly who she was and is and will be in heaven.  I love her for her anencephaly.  I love her for her 43 minutes.  I love her for her death.  I love her for who she has made me and for the amazing purpose she has given me.  I love her for just being her - even in her death.  I love her.  I love how hard this has been - because good things are hard.  And she has been worth it all.  I love her for showing me Jesus so clearly.  For being a piece of heaven in my arms... and in my heart.  But mostly, I just love that I can always celebrate all my winter babies - my Christmas baby included - because even though she isn't here physically, God shows me every day that she is still very much alive.  Not in the way that I would have hoped for the temporary... but she has eternity.  And as her birthday approaches, my prayer is that I can truly celebrate that this year... she has eternity. 

Can You Take Me Back?

It's been a tough night emotionally... as Rachel's birthday approaches, I catch myself going back in my mind.  Not that I don't do that every day, because I do.  Pretty much every day I think about the day she was born at least once.  But as December 3 gets closer, it's on my mind constantly.  I don't want to forget the details.... it's all I have of her.

A few months back one of my friends told me what it was like in her house the day Rachel was born.  She gave me a picture of what my sharing so openly about my girl had for an effect on her family.  She told me of how they felt when they heard the outcome of her birth and I posted the photo of Rachel... and I was surprised to hear it.  It was hard to hear, but at the same time, in a strange way, it was comforting for me to know that I may have been in that hospital alone, but I was not alone.

Last year for Rachel's birthday, I asked everyone to send me a note telling me how Rachel has impacted your lives...  I got some of the most amazing letters.  So much more (and I don't mean the amount) than I expected.  I had planned to share those, and of course never got to it, but maybe I'll try to find them and share them this December - I don't know. 

I just spent some time going through Rachel's memory box.  And I feel so weird saying this, but since when has that stopped me?  so I'm just going to - I put my Rachel bear into Rachel's little daisy dress. It fit the bear just right... it's amazing how close in size they are.... As I snapped the back, I saw the blood stain on the back of the neck and I just cried.  Looking at this stuff is not something I do much because it is emotionally draining and I don't like to do it when the kids need me during the day... so I've probably only opened the box 2-3 times this year, tonight included.

But anyway, I put the bear in the outfit that Rachel wore in the first photo I ever posted on her birthday post. (You've *got* to read that post HERE  The photo was before Lisa did any editing for me, so she is pretty blue, but I tried to make part of the photo black and white... but I just re-read it and am just in awe of how God carried me that day. wow.)  I just went back to her birthday in my mind and heart....

So, what I want to ask this year - is if you remember where you were when you first heard about Rachel or when you saw her birthday post - could you take me back in your mind?  Would you either comment here or send me a note through email to RachelsMama@ymail.com?  I am yearning for someone to remember with me...

We're having a birthday party tomorrow for all our winter babies - Des, Isaiah, Asa & Rachel... and only my parents and my nurse/friend Kim are coming out of all the people who met Rachel the day she was born.  I usually like to have the people who were there come because it helps me to feel like they *know* without me having to explain it - so I'm feeling pretty sad about this tonight....  and putting her bear in one of her outfits just did me in.  I can't believe it's been almost 3 years.  Seems impossible and at the same time I can't remember it ever not being this way. 

I'd give anything to go back to that day......  Can you take me back?

I Dedicate This Song...

Des & I drove to see Jay tonight.  She is back at Dartmouth still since her last surgery, so we had to make that familiar drive that holds so many hard memories from the last couple of months.  

As we drove home, I was reminded of another long and painful road that I used to travel regularly in a family crisis....the road between here and Bethlehem NH, where I spent 7 months in rehab.

I spent 15 days in detox and 28 days in inpatient rehab (that's a total of 43 days! :)) before moving on to the housing program for 6 months.  There, I was allowed to leave on weekends, so my mom used to pick me up every weekend to bring me to my house.  She would pick up my dog, Snoop, first in Epping, then drive to get me over 3 hours from there and bring us back to Rochester - another 3 hours - every Friday.  And then repeat in opposite direction on Sundays.

Tonight as I was driving, a song came on the radio that reminded me of one of our trips. I'm guessing since I went to rehab on October 4, 2001... it was just about exactly 12 years ago this November that we made these trips. The conditions were very similar tonight as they were then, with rain and fog and the dark, unlit highways in the middle of nowhere.... and this song had come on and I said - very uncomfortably because I wasn't good at sharing my heart - "This song reminds me of you." I turned it up and we both sang along.

As I drove with my daughter a very different, but difficult drive, I could only hope I can be these things for her.  I like to believe I was everything I could be for Rachel, too.  But as the song played, I could hear my young, scared voice in  my mind confide in my mom who was willing to do anything and everything needed to help me and love me through that trial..."This song reminds me of you..."

I cried  tears of regret for what I put my family through.  I cried tears of gratitude that God pulled me from my pit.  I cried tears of love and pain and joy and sorrow all wrapped up together because of this journey with Jay....because of how I'm afraid I'll fail Desirae and because of what I don't get the chance to fail Rachel on....and I cried because of how beautiful and strong a mother's love is....both what I have received and what I am blessed to be able to give. 

But clearly, I am still just as uncomfortable sharing my heart as I was 12 years ago because I just talked to my mom for 2 hours and didn't tell her this.  So, here you go mom.... This song reminds me of you.....Thank you for always being there.

If you're following by email, here are the lyrics:

"Because You Loved Me"

Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Me Too

Tonight I was sitting with Sam on the couch.  He was driving his cars over my belly and I waited for his usual comments about the baby he insists I must still have in there, based on the size of it....

He started in a familiar way.... "When is the baby in your belly going to come out?"

And I said the same thing I always say "There is no baby in there anymore."

The next part I was not expecting....

He continued "Ohhh, but I want you to have a baby in your belly again."  My eyes got wide and I asked "Already!?" and he whined....

"I want Rachel to be in your belly again... I want her to come down from heaven and be here with us... I want Rachel...."

"Me too, Buddy"... I said. "Me too."

---------------------------------------

UPDATE:  Holy Moly... I posted this and the time stamp said 10:27... the time she was born... She is with us.

Set in Stone

I was standing at Rachel's grave on Friday, studying the details of her stone...  thoughts flooded my mind about the days of deciding on the details of her stone and the days of waiting for it to be placed.

I have so much I could say about the journey from the first day at the cemetery picking her spot to the day that her stone was set.  I could go on and on about the amazing way God brought it all together to even allow us such a prominent and beautiful stone... and to this day, when I look at it, I see a tangible piece of evidence of how well God's people loved us and how He provided for us through them.  The stone was special ordered from India (it's an uncommon material) and cost over $3000 and we only paid $125 out of our own money - and we didn't ask for any of it... people just gave it to us.  It was so humbling. 

So, on Friday as I stood there, I was thinking back to those days.  After they had originally written on her stone, I was not happy with it.  I had taken the monument guy's input on a couple of things that I wished I hadn't.  Like he said not to put our names on it because it would scare the kids.  That made sense at first, but when I saw how plain and empty her stone looked without them, I didn't like it.

This was how it looked at first...  I am SO glad I changed it!

I love the stone itself

I wanted it to be obvious that we would be joining her there one day.  The guy was not very responsive to my requests to change it after the fact, and I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to him about options.  He didn't give me any.  So I drew it up myself....

I'm not sure if I've ever written about this before, but the curvy lines around Rachel's name are something I had sketched and sent to them, thinking they would use it as an idea.  When they sent me back the proof, they had used my actual drawing.  I think they were fed up with me and just did it quick to get it over with.... but what a blessing it's turned out to be because I LOVE that my drawing is on her stone, as simple as it is.  I love that I can remember sitting in her room during the most painful days of my life and the tears that fell as I struggled to perfect a stone that deep in my heart I knew would never be good enough... because I didn't want a headstone... I wanted her.

I started to think about the saying we all use "Set in stone"  as I looked at my girl's name etched in the prettiest stone I've ever seen....  Permanent.  Forever.  It's set in stone....

My mind wandered to a place of doubt.  I started to think things like "What if heaven isn't real and this is all there is?  What if we're crazy and none of this is true? What if her body is just deteriorating down there and I won't see her again?" 

But then I got caught up in my drawing. After her stone was placed, Matt mentioned that the bottom lines under her name looked like a book and reminded him of the Bible... and that the lines above her name looked like wings.  I didn't do either of those things on purpose, but I think God did...  because standing there this week, he used them to remind me that His Word is TRUTH and that heaven is real.  That Rachel IS dancing with the angels and that I WILL see her again because of what Jesus did for me on the cross.  That is set in stone!

I remember going to the hospital to have her and thinking on the way "I just want there to be a dash"... it's always bothered me that Rachel only has one date.  I wanted her birthday and the day she died to be different.  But what mother wouldn't? 

I stared at her name and date for a minute and again was questioning God... "Why couldn't there have been a dash? was that too much to ask?"  I looked at my name, then Matt's... I looked at my date and then at Matt's...  I wondered about our "future" dates....

and for the first time in all the HUNDREDS of hours that I have spent standing on her spot, I looked at the dates differently and I am positive this was a picture God gave me to remind me of His promises.... I saw that we all have just one date.  And God spoke to my heart....

You have one date because you are still alive....

And so does she....

I started crying tears of gratitude as I thanked God that He is patient with my doubt, but never leaves me there long... and always proves himself faithful in every detail.  I look back and know that 3 years ago when I mapped out her stone, in all it's 'imperfectness', He knew that I would come to that moment on Friday where He would use the very inscriptions I have been staring at every Friday for 3 years to remind me that He is here and that she is there.... and while she dances eternally in His love there... I dance in it here.  Somehow, I just know that we are dancing together... In Christ we are united.  Today, tomorrow... forever. 

Gently Loved Clothes

This week, I was in the attic looking for my fake flower arrangements that I had made for Rachel last fall.  I looked around at my bins stacked high of girl clothes and felt convicted over my storing up these beautiful clothes for a girl I don't have - and might never have - when there are so many people in need. 

I heard something I really didn't want to hear.....  Give it away.....

I got the idea that if I pulled it all down and invited people to come grab whatever they wanted, that it would save me from the work of sorting and delivering.  So I put this on Facebook:

"Giving all my girl stuff away is painful since the only reason I can is because Rachel is not here. I had held onto it all in hopes that Des would have a little sister to pass it on to. I'm tempted to want to sell it since it's all so nice, but God put it on my heart to give it away.... so here it goes... if you have a girl in size 4-8, come on over. 6-8pm tonight and tomorrow night this stuff is free to take if you can use it *now*. (not for stocking purposes ) Winter coats and boots in great shape, all sizes. dress boots, sneakers and tons of clothes that I'm trying to not be sentimentally attached to. (they are just clothes, Stacy, and Rachel doesn't need them...:/) If you can, please bring change as my awesome kids plan to sell lemonade and brownies that they will donate proceeds from to Rachel's birthday care baskets we are making. If you don't have change, I'll give you some. I always like them to have a successful lemonade stand :)

— feeling freedom in letting go. "

I was all about it... for a little while.   But as the time got closer, I started to get anxious about it.

I'm not going to lie... I cried.  A few times.  I sat in my living room, surrounded by these clothes and as I looked at the bins, it became so obvious... I stopped saving them at size 7/8 - the age Des was when Rachel died.  The year I realized that I didn't have a girl to pass them down to. 

These clothes represent a shattered dream... my broken heart....the reminder of a tiny grave.  They represent the loss of years of watching Desirae get to sister a sister....  they represent the love that a mother feels for her first born - the little girl who made me a Mama. They mean so much more to me than.... well, than clothes should.  *sigh.*

Des & her friend made some brownies and cookies and the boys made fresh lemonade and they had a little 'bake sale' to raise money for Rachel's Care Baskets.  There were only a few people that came, but they all made a donation for some yummy treats.  The kids were having a blast.  They made $20.78 towards Rachel's baskets! (Thank you to everyone who contributed!)

A quick dinner before the sale began :)
("Tasty Tuesdays" is the name they gave their baking club because they meet on Tuesdays to bake)

Some neighborhood kids came by to buy brownies and lemonade

Isaiah pulled up a seat to watch TV while people were looking at clothes....

Right before anyone got here, I looked at my Paypal to see if anyone had donated towards Rachel's baskets... There were 2 donations.  After Paypal took their fee out, I was left with... you guessed it

For me, this was confirmation... I was doing what I needed to do.  This combined with the bake sale $ covers the first basket!

As the night went on, it became more and more obvious that this didn't have much to do with clothes.... God is awesome.

The conversations had and the amazing way that we learned Rachel was in all of it... the way that these people knew of us because of her, even though I had no idea.  The way she brought us to a place - even in her death and in having to let go of clothes she can't wear - where we know people we wouldn't know otherwise.  The way she continues to bring us new friends and sweet fellowship.  She has been such a blessing in so many ways. 

It was 11 pm when the last lady left... we prayed together over some hard stuff she had shared with us... standing in the middle of these bins of laundry.... It was beautiful.  And Rachel was with us.

I didn't realize it on the 3rd when I decided to do this, but I believe this was a big part in my grief journey.  I only realized it because it was breaking my heart....  giving away clothes has never hurt so much.  But it wasn't the clothes that were hard to let go of.  It was more of her... what I'm missing with her... that had my hands clenched tight.  But, I can't hold on forever... so I let it all go....  well, my hands did... my heart is still working on it.

Love Beyond Words

It's November 3rd.  I can hardly believe that one month from today, will be Rachel's 3rd birthday. 

Three long years.  I hate it.

If you've been following along for a while, you know I like to do something special for her day.  If you're new, the recap is that the first year, we sponsored a couple of young girls who were having babies that month.  You all helped me to raise, allowed me to purchase, and then blessed me to donate $843 in items for new moms who had chosen life despite their 'imperfect' circumstances.  We had an amazing gathering at her grave - I was lost in tears when I pulled into the cemetery to see cars just lining the road... the weather was perfect, the fellowship sweet.  I felt so loved and so supported - and so not forgotten.

Last year, we did a puzzle fundraiser where everyone purchased a puzzle piece from a photo puzzle I had made of us at Rachel's Race that year.  Each piece represented $10 towards our cost of applying for the 501(c)3.  And although I had worried that people wouldn't still be interested, you all donated more than I could give in puzzle pieces!  It was unreal.  I still have the puzzle framed on my wall... and I just caught myself staring at it tonight.... But the hard part about last year was that it ended up snowing on the day of her party - only a portion of the people showed up and many that said they were coming back to the house after, didn't.  And I was disappointed.  If there is one thing worse than having to try to celebrate my daughter's birthday on the same day as the anniversary of when she died, it's being let down by my expectations of others.  So I decided that I needed to change things up.

And it's coming....  another birthday.

I've had big plans on what I wanted to do - the "big" part of it was that I plan to go more simple.  That's hard for me, just because of who I am... but I know I need to.  I have 5 living children here that need me and take up more time than I even have to begin with.  I need to find meaningful things I can do to honor Rachel that don't take a lot of me from them.  Because let's face it, Rachel doesn't need me.

So, what has been on my heart for a long time now is to donate care baskets to the hospital.  When I was pregnant with Rachel, I received an amazing package from String of Pearls.  It had stuff in it that I would not have thought to bring myself.... but I got it ahead of time because I knew Rachel was going to die.  I always wondered what about the people who don't know ahead of time their babies will die?  What if they go to the hospital planning to leave with their baby - and then can't?  They have no time to plan for making memories there...  And me being the planner I am, that breaks my heart. 

Shortly after Rachel's last birthday, I knew this is what I wanted to do.  My original thought was to have her party in October, around the anniversary of her baby shower and Infant Loss Awareness Day... invite everyone... have them help me assemble the baskets... and then on her birthday, just Me, Matt and the kids could deliver them to Maine Med, where Rachel was born. 

A month or so before October 16,  I mentioned to my friend Lisa that I just didn't have peace about the party - and decided not to do it.  Once again, God was leading me and I'm glad I followed, because after Jailyn's (my niece) stroke, I was in no condition to be planning anything.  

So, although the baskets are not assembled... and there was no big party in October... and there won't be a big party on December 3... I have peace about the decisions I have made and trust God's leading in this.  I'm realizing that her first birthday will never happen again and it's okay.  I used to be so scared to not be able to make that happen again.  But I know that it was a beautiful gift given exactly when I needed it - and this year, I know that God will give me exactly what I need too.  He always does.

My vision for this is that as we put together and physically donate these baskets, my children will see us doing something that they understand.  Donating $10,000 after Rachel's Races is amazing - but they don't fully comprehend that - and it probably doesn't feel worth losing all the time they do with me to hear that we gave money to a great cause....

I think if they get to help assemble the boxes and then we all go together and THEY get to hand them to nurses who know about Rachel, knowing that other families like ours will benefit from it, in the only place they ever spent time with their little sister outside of my womb... it will leave more of an impression.  Loving beyond words....

If this goes well, I'm hoping that this will be a simple, yet meaningful way to spend December 3rd each year.  The idea of being able to spend a little bit of her day each year in the hospital she was born at sounds hard, but very healing to me.  I'm looking forward to having time to talk to the kids (and the people at the hospital) about her.  To tell them how much I want to do for others because of God's great love and provision for us when we were in that place.  To be able to keep her memory alive for them... and for me.... as the years go on. 

Here is where you come in....  because we all know that I would not have been able to do anything I've done for others in Rachel's honor without all of you.... 

I purchased 10 Memory Boxes.  I have some beautiful and meaningful items that I would love to fill them with.  And I'm hoping you can help me do that.  I have tried to create boxes filled with the things that meant the most to me - or things that I later wished I had had. 

Des & I went to the store with the plan of buying items to make memories boxes.  I 'stumbled' across these boxes, which cost close to the same as the materials to make boxes, but are nice quality, have a magnetic closure AND I thought the words on top were *perfect* for someone who just lost a baby..."Love Beyond Words"

And here are some of the items I have had made or found to purchase for these memory boxes...

Baby wears pants and hat, Mama & Daddy keep a heart made from the same material.  All 10 are in neutral colors so they can be utilized more easily.  This set was made by Lisa Borders at McKinley Rose Boutique in memory of her baby Eli - Hence the name "The Eli Collection".  When I first saw this, I cried.  I searched high and low for something that I could bury Rachel with and keep part of... I would have LOVED to have her in one of these sets.  The awesome thing is every one of them is different so their baby will be wearing something unique to just them.

Each of these necklaces contains 3 dandelion seeds.  I plan to add this as my "Rachel piece" and will include a little note about her with it.  I have covered the cost of these as Rachel's birthday gift. <3 td="">

Because every grieving mom needs tissues... and we all like to cry in style.... the cutest tissue holders I have EVER seen. Another beautiful creation by Lisa Borders from McKinley Rose Boutique. 

A photo album to carry around.  I carried mine with me for the first year.

A place to keep prints...Printed to 4x6 to fit in the album

 

A journal... important for so many reasons - and the wording was irresistible. "We do not remember days, we remember moments".
 

Planting, nurturing and watching flowers bloom has been a very healing process for me since Rachel died.  I have had so many encounters with God in my garden, I can't count them all.  I plan to give a packet of these and a packet of daisies in each basket.

The back

The bear in the middle is my Rachel Bear :)  It's funny how just seeing 'her' on this gift certificate made me smile. 

the parents can use these to get a stuffed animal that has the same weight as their baby.  When they contact BB, they will contact me for payment because they only charge for shipping and that price differs depending on the weight of their baby.  For me, having my Rachel bear has been amazing... to be able to remember what the weight of her felt like in my arms.  I also love that as people cash in their gift certificates, I will know that one of Rachel's boxes was put to use and I will be able to pray for that family, even if I don't know who they are - and know that Rachel's life had impacted another person.

 



The sense of smell is very important during tragedy because it will always remind you of that time.  To this day, the smell that brings me back to my time with Rachel is A&D ointment.  My hope is that if all their stuff is packaged with a scented candle, when they light it on special occasions and when they are sad, the smell will bring them back to the time they had with their little one(s).

 

 

 

 I also am going to add a kit to make a handprint or footprint mold, along with some extra paper for prints, an ink pad, a list of resources that I found helpful, and a list of suggested photos to have taken in case they don't think of it.  I know if I didn't have my list of photos, I wouldn't have gotten half of what I did. 

When added all up, these care baskets cost $62-75, depending on how much the shipping for the Birthweight Buddies ends up costing.  I have added a 'Donate" Paypal button to the top of my blog (anyone know how to add it inside a post?)  and am hoping that you all will join in with me once again at supporting others in need and loving those in pain through Rachel's Legacy.

The worst part of not doing Rachel's Race this year for me was that I didn't get to do the baby remembrance ceremony for other baby loss families.  It's so important to me to help others to feel like they get that chance to share their baby with the world.  I have been extremely blessed in how far Rachel's story reached and I know the blessing of knowing that people speak about her.  So, if you would like to sponsor an entire memory box in your baby's memory,(or as a gift for someone you love) I will add a card that tells them it was "sponsored in memory of...."  Please specify that in the comments on paypal or in the memo line of your check.

Checks can be made payable to Baby Rachel's Legacy and sent to PO Box 454, Rochester, NH 03866-0454.

I can't believe it's been three years.... It doesn't seem possible, yet I can't remember my life before her - nor would I want to.  The changes I've made the past 6 months as far as how much I put into my blog and things like decorating her grave and not having her race were (are) hard - and it makes me nervous to even ask for help again since it seems like it was so long ago for everyone else and I'm afraid of being rejected. But I know what is on my heart and I know God put it there - so I'm putting my heart on the line again and humbly asking for help because it's the only way to make it happen - and that's what Mamas do for their babies.... and that is what daughters do for their God.

Rachel Alice, I miss you like crazy.  On the way to church this morning,  the bank said it was 43 degrees out.  It felt like you were with us.  Daddy & I went and fixed up your grave today.  I hate fake flowers, but it's getting too cold to keep live ones there.  I got you a new flag holder, it looks nice.  The flag I hung says "Love lives here".  And it does.  We went for Pizza after with gift cards Donna gave us - the place we sat had animals that kids cut out and put their names on hung on the wall - and right behind our table was an elephant with a heart shape cut out of it and "Rachel" written on it.  We all smiled. You are loved more than you know... more than words could ever describe... you are loved beyond words.  Miss you sweet girl.