One Serving Short of Complete

Went out to get our Christmas shopping done yesterday...  I know I won't want to be shopping after Rachel's born.  I can see it now...big belly, no baby is sure to bring on the "when are you due?" comments.  I am probably going to want to hide for a while.  It was nice to have Matt with me for shopping this year though. 

After we shopped, we met the guy who is doing our headstone (from Newburyport Memorial Art Co) over at the cemetery.  I'll be glad when our "dates" aren't doctors appt's and trips to the cemetery.  Anyway, we showed him the one we liked and, go figure, he was the one who set it!  He is a relative of a friend and works out of Mass so it's very unlikely that he sets stones up here...  It's the only one in the new part of the cemetery that is his.  God is good like that!  He met us up here so we didn't have to drive to Mass and I was afraid that working long distance would make it difficult to get what we were looking for. (I had actually taken pictures of that stone last week to send to him so he'd know what we liked)  Little did I know, he knows exactly how to make what we're looking for! :o)  Now we're just praying we'll be able to afford it.  We told him what our hopes were and now we're waiting on the price.  It was also really nice to have Matt with me for this meeting.  I've done most of the foot work for Rachel's birth and funeral without him cause he works when the people can usually meet.  It was nice to have his opinion and to not be alone. 

We were standing on our plots, talking about size and shape of the stone.  I looked down and right where Rachel will be buried, there was a dandelion that had died, but was still standing.  Dandelions are the only flower that continue to stand so tall after they've died.  And then become a great toy for kids. :o)   I wanted to take a picture, but had left without my camera (that's a rarity)  Made me think of Rachel.  I know her legacy will still stand long after she's gone.  My blog has them at the top for that reason too.  I also have a painting in my bathroom that my friend Heather gave me after we lost the last baby.  My request was a painting that said "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" - and she chose the rest.  She put dandelions on it.  what a coincidence!

It was cold at the cemetery and we were there a while.  My mom had the kids, again, so we could get this stuff done.  I said to Matt that we should pick up some hot chocolate to bring home to them as a surprise and said "today's a good day for hot chocolate"... and starting crying.  When they say grief hits you at unexpected times, they're right.  I would have thought I'd be crying at the cemetery while Rachel was kicking me as we were talking about her headstone.  (I told Matt that I didn't think she liked the conversation)  But no, it was on the way to do something fun with the kids.  Maybe me being task-oriented is helping me to forget the reality of this all.  I did choke back a few tears at the cemetery, but I've yet to fall apart through all the meetings and planning in front of someone else.  It's usually in the day to day moments when I realize how life goes on... good times still happen and soon they'll be happening without my baby.  She'll never drink hot chocolate with us - that sucks.  One of my favorite parts of being a stay home mom is when the kids go out to play and come in with red noses and we all sit at the counter and have hot chocolate.  I can do that with them every day if I want... and I love that.   My favorite parts of life will always be missing someone.  Hot chocolate will never be the same, no matter how great it is.   We will always be one serving short of complete.