Forward Hurts

Back to the daily grind today... it's been a solid 6 weeks since I have done any of my "normal" stuff.  The days that Isaiah's had pre-school or Des has had something going on, I have called on the help of friends to get them there.  I was a little anxious about trying to do so much today.  My incision is still hurting and I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be.  I just do too much.  Hard not too with 3 little ones and a house to tend to.  Returning to my usual activities without Rachel is hard.  It feels kind of like I'm leaving her behind as I move forward.

I got Isaiah to school and Des & I headed up to our music lessons.  I haven't so much as picked up my guitar in the last 6 weeks either and her piano has become a catch-all.  I got there on time for once, and even remembered my payment, and there was a big sign "closed Jan.3 & 4"... okay, plan B... we went to Amy's early - (Des takes dance with her girls)  She gave me a cup of her seriously rugged tea and we hung out for a while.  I guess this week was meant to be a practice run for music. *shrug*  Watch, next week I'll be late and forget my money...

When I picked Isaiah back up from school, there was a card in his cubby for me from another parent.  It had a bunch of stuff about how Rachel has touched her heart and she wrote

"your faith and love of God has made me want to get to know Him better - and my kids went to church for their 1st time on Sunday! Thank you!!!"

This is why I do what I do... I am SO thankful for moments like these when I hear that Rachel is making a difference in God's kingdom.  I am humbled to be a part of that.  Please know, though, that "my faith and love of God" has come from Him.  I didn't decide I was going to follow him, he called me and even though I wanted to run at that time, I couldn't.   I know that I do have the choice daily how I'm going to respond to his plan, but the strength I have comes from him.  I would not be capable in my own power.  Thank you for such great words of encouragement though!  It makes my burden a little lighter to bear hearing these things. 

I also have to say that it really melts my heart to hear people tell me that Rachel is blessed to have me as her Mama... As a mother, you long to hear that you're doing it "right"... that your children are blessed to have you...  that they need you and want you...  that you are fulfilling your God-given role as their mother...

or maybe that's just me.

Even if it is just me, it's true.  I don't want to hear that she is better off there, that she doesn't need me or want me... I already know she has everything she'll ever need and more with God.  But my human heart needs to hear that I'm doing this right with what little of her still belongs to me.  Sound selfish?  I guess I'll plead "human".

Took my tree down this afternoon... I'm the type that usually takes it down right after Christmas so I can get things back in order.  I hate clutter.  This year, I just don't want to take it down.  Again, feels like I'm leaving her behind.  We got so many ornaments with her name on them...Christmas will always hold a little bit of Rachel here.  It's unbelievable to me how I feel completely different about every day "normal" actions since Rachel.   I decided that a good compromise would be to put my tree outside and leave it's lights on... yes, I moved it myself... that's what I mean...dumb.  That definitely weighs more than a grocery bag (my supposed limit)  But anyway, it's outside all lit up.  A bright light in the darkness.  That's what Rachel (like Jesus!) is to me - my bright light through my darkest days.  It was a way for me to ease away from Christmas without my girl.  Every step in the forward direction hurts.  You would think it would feel better to "move on".  For time to pass by.  I know it's necessary, I know I can't slow the days... I don't really want to cause I'm hoping eventually the pain will lessen, but for now... forward hurts.