Happy Birthday My Girls

Today we celebrated 8 years with our precious Desirae.  She was the "ball of cells" that some people thought we'd be better off without when I found out we were expecting her. Some people closest to us claimed that having an abortion would have been "the best thing, at least for the baby".  Claiming that it would be "selfish" and "unwise" to bring a baby into "this God forsaken world" in our circumstances. (note: God has not forsaken us, we have forsaken him)   Some of the same people thought we'd be better off without Rachel too, I'm sure.  It's interesting how people can detach themselves from the fact that a "pregnancy" of mine is a baby and then as soon as I give birth (or they find out that the baby has a fatal birth defect...) act like they are that same baby's biggest fan.  To me, my children have my heart from the moment I think about getting pregnant (and although timing looked "bad" to everyone else with my pregnancy with Desirae, the truth is that she didn't happen by mistake - we were trying to conceive her - she was not our mistake, but even if she was, she was certainly not God's mistake)  Look at this child, holding her #8 up with a smile... She has brought me 8 years of pure love, joy, happiness, laughter and even some character building :o)  For a baby that would have been "better off dead" in some people's eyes, she has sure had a pretty good life - and she sure has made mine a lot better too.

Shannan brought the pink tulips tonight with a "Happy Birthday" card for Rachel. (yep, I cried. That amount of thoughtfulness will get me every time.  I love my friends!)  One month ago today. December 3...the day that forever changed who I am.  The day when my pro-life stance became even stronger and held even more conviction in my heart.  If I didn't believe that every single life had a purpose before, that day would have changed my mind all by itself.  She was amazing and she was worth, is worth, every ounce of physical, emotional, mental anguish I have felt and will feel... and believe me, it hasn't been easy and it doesn't seem like it will get any easier any time soon.  But "easier" isn't always better.  She, my little "ball of cells", had a purpose.  God has used it all for good.  He allowed us to be graced with her miraculous presence and I am SO glad that I got to meet her. She brought me 9 months and 43 minutes of pure love, joy, happiness, laughter and even some character building :o) 

A life is a life...I would have preferred hers be longer, but I am so thankful for what I had with her.  And just like with Desirae, we had to face the same "why don't you save yourself this trouble and just get it over with" kind of comments...  I mean, at least for the baby, right?  Sorry...sarcasm.  Working on that.   And just like with Desirae, we rejoiced over her and waited for her with hopeful expectation.  We loved her and cherished her and I did everything in my power to care for and protect her, just like with Desirae.  I carried her with my head held high, proud to be her mom... I gave birth to her and loved her unconditionally, just like Desirae.  I showed her off to my family, friends...the world... just like my Desirae.  And I would do it all over again, just like Desirae. 

I would love to someday throw her a party with a #8 on the cake, just like Desirae...

Tonight, after we got done celebrating our big girl's 8th birthday, Des & I went out for a ride.  We picked up some crab rangoons and a strawberry shake and went to visit Rachel to celebrate our little girl's 1 month birthday.  I brought her a tulip and stuck it in with her daisies.  Her balloons had fallen to the ground (helium doesn't like the cold - I'm gonna have to figure something else out!) and her snowman had melted.  It was cold and dark and I just had to let it go for the night.  I couldn't fix it and I hate it when things aren't perfect... for any of my children.  I have a feeling that God might feel the same way about his children.

As I drove away, the tears flowed again.  Seems no matter how many times I go to see her, leaving her there tears me apart every time.  There's something about my baby being in the frozen ground that turns my stomach.  Yesterday the ground was muddy and soft and today on our walk it was hard as a rock.  I look at it and can't help but think of her perfect little nose and cheeks and hands and feet - all in the frozen ground.

I've struggled with this thought since long before I had her.  I knew this would be hard for me.  The only tangible thing I know of her, the places I kissed and touched...are not with God, they are in the ground and it is frozen. In my humanness it's hard to not get caught up on that one.  She's my daughter...just like Desirae.  I love her and would do anything for her, just like Desirae.

I came home tonight and got an email from Jill with a devotional in it that read:

When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God.

Losing my child has made me realize that "it can happen to me".  I have 3 other children who I could lose any day.  We are not guaranteed a #8 with any of our kids.  When I first found out about Rachel, I struggled to not be over protective of them because I was so afraid I would lose one of them too.  The thought is never far from my mind.  But when it comes right down to it, I have to trust them to the warm arms of my God too...just like Rachel.  *sigh*

Happy Birthday my girls... God loves you... Just like Mama