Diagnosis Overload

I had decided that I was all done talking about my health.  I am finding it to be not much more than a source of frustration and while I know people are only trying to help, the constant ideas on what I should try are actually really irritating.  Just being honest...

I'm at a doctor *constantly*.  Like at least one big appointment every week and often more than one. Between all the specialists and my PCP and then the hospital and every test you can come up with and Google and tons of prayer to top it off, believe me, if there was a simple answer, I would know it.

All that to say that I really need prayer right now.  Just prayer.  And hugs.

I got a text today from a friend at church just saying simply that she didn't have the answers, but that she is carrying me to the foot of the cross.... that's what I need.  I need people to pray for me and to ask how I'm doing and allow me to talk about things without judgment, and be uncensored as I work through some of this stuff.

I went to the neurologist today and left with yet another diagnosis.  It's getting to the point that I honestly have a hard time remembering them all when the ER or another Dr. asks me "Do you have any major medical issues?"

Today I was diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia.  She gave me an anti inflammatory cream to use on the back of my head 3 times a day and different muscle relaxers and said my headaches are most likely not migraines. (which I did try to tell the ER at both of my recent visits, but they don't listen - surprise!!) Although they present like migraines in a lot of ways, they are different.  I have been saying all along I thought there was more to it - and honestly, I don't believe they have it all figured out yet, but we'll find that out in due time, I'm sure.  One of my concerns I mentioned today she told me that, although it does happen, it would be really "unlikely for me because that would be really rare in someone my age."  I love this lady, but I wanted to say "Um... in case you haven't noticed, 'really rare' things happen to me ALL the time!"  But I guess we'll deal with that later....

 She said that all my muscles in my shoulders and neck are 'roped' and that I need to get massages - which sound great to me, but they are not covered on insurance - and if the massages, the cream and the muscle relaxers don't help my pain in a month, she wants to do nerve block injections in my head.  Writing that makes me want to puke.  Seriously.  Needles going into the nerves in my head???  Tell me this is a bad dream...

And the real problem... even if she 'fixes' that part of me... there are still a dozen more things that need 'fixing' that only God can fix and He isn't...and I'm seriously discouraged.

I don't do much looking online, but with each new diagnosis, I take time to look it up and see if it sounds right.  Tonight after about 5 minutes of reading, I just fell into tears.  Not because this is a huge and horrible thing but because I think she's right and I can only handle so much.  It's been one. thing. after. another.  I just wish all these 'specialists' could get together around a table and come to a conclusion on what to do with me because I'm tired of being passed around.  Next week: the Neck Specialist.  BLAH!!  Five bucks says he tells me something that contradicts something another doctor said.  It's so frustrating.

And more than all my physical crap, I really need prayer for my mind.  I have a serious spiritual battle going on and I'm losing.  I know that He who is in me is stronger than all of this...  and yet I still find myself fighting thoughts from the enemy throughout each day.  Fear of what the future holds creeps in constantly and I'm struggling to stay in the moment - to remember that He has a purpose in ALL things for my good.  God keeps putting the word "Joy" on my heart and I get small glimpses of it, but can't grasp it for long.  It's been a hard month.

And as I write that, I remember that I'm in the countdown to Rachel's 4th birthday.  13 days from now she will have been gone for 4 years.  I can't believe it.  I should know by now that these weeks always bring sadness and grief.  And with everything going on, I barely have time to stop and feel.  And when I do, I cry.

I'm just overloaded.  Completely overloaded.