43 For the Ride

On the way to one of my blood pressure checks in Maine this past week, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on the radio.

I got lost in thought about Rachel and like the beginning of the song says... all the things we asked for... that we didn't get.

Sorrow fills my heart regularly, even still.  I miss my sweet Rachel Alice every single day.  I just have figured out ways to walk with my pain internally and not always allow it to flow out... out where others know.  But it's still there - thankfully it's been seasoned with lots of love from others, many days of heartache I thought would kill me that I made it through, and a million love notes from God to reassure me that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not.

This ride to Maine with my little Eden Joy was one of those love notes from God.  My blood pressure was still reading 187/101 even on 400 mg of meds 3 times a day and they were talking about needing to admit me in the hospital again so that they could give me IV meds to reduce my numbers.  I wanted to be home like you can't imagine.  All I wanted was to be home with my baby.

For MONTHS leading up to Eden's birth, the thermometer in my truck read 43 degrees at every appointment!   But the day after we came home with her, winter seemed to finally arrive and it got cold.  On my way to this appointment, it was only 23 degrees.

So, as I was driving and Laura Story's song came on, my mind went back to Rachel and all the hard, painful days.  A few lines into the song, just as it said "All the while, you hear each spoken need - you love us way too much to give us lesser things."

I looked out my window and the car next to me had this for a plate:

The 'disguise' of this 43 were not lost on me.  Rachel was absolutely a blessing in disguise - all of her - exactly who she was and every bit of her legacy she left behind - in me and through me.... and in and through all of you!

I went to my appointment and they said we could continue to monitor from home and that they would try to keep me out of the hospital as long as I was willing to come to appointments up there.  So then we were driving home and the song I Can Only Imagine came on....

I listened to the words and thought about the sweet reunion heaven will hold for me.  Knowing this earth is not my home, but instead just a place I'm passing through on my way to my real home in heaven with Jesus - The pain here reminds me that I will always thirst here because my until I get there, I will never be completely whole.  And Rachel has that.  Rachel IS that.  Completely whole.

I listened to the words and imagined her dancing around the feet of our Lord.  I'm not mad at Him for taking her from me... I'm just so thankful that when He did, He also received her to himself and cares for her there and much better than I could here.  She is safe and happy and full of JOY!

I was lost in thought - thought of falling to my knees at the awesome sight of my Lord... and thoughts of where Rachel will fit into that all... and no sooner did I have that thought and I saw this plate out my window....

I looked to my left, with a mouth full of a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich I shouldn't have been eating, and when I saw this plate, I *immediately* started to cry and laugh... and then cry like a baby... Just like I did back in April when I asked God if He would ever give me a little Christmas baby girl again that I could keep and saw the plate that said 43 between two letters.  Here I was driving with my living Christmas baby girl in the back and God continued to pour out his love in my language.

You can't make this stuff up....  

So on the way there, unsure of what was happening or what was ahead for me as far as a hospital stay or whatever - Blessings in Disguise played reminding me that even the very worst days and hardest nights are all used by God in my life and He holds it all in His hands... 

And on the way home, I dreamed of heaven and imagined what that day would be like - and the number was clear as could be... heaven will bring clarity on things that don't make sense here.  Heaven will reveal all the details in God's masterpiece that we didn't see.  Heaven will be amazing.

  

I got home from this appointment in a different place mentally as far as my health goes...  the fear I had on the way there had melted away as I was reminded  - yet again - that God has me.  He has this.  And nothing will happen outside of His will.  And anything that happens, He is big enough to carry my family through.  I went home and have spent the last week snuggled up with my baby and truly soaking it in without the fear that was plaguing me in the days before.  I feel like I have part of heaven here with me and part of me in heaven - and it's a beautifully complicated range of emotions, but I consider myself to be richly blessed by it all.  I'm so thankful God gives me 43's for my hard rides.  Especially the ones I must drive alone....

  

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me

I Can Only Imagine

What it will be like

When I walk

By your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When your face

Is before me

I can only imagine

Chorus:

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

When that day comes

And I find myself

Standing in the Son

I can only imagine

When all I will do is forever

Forever worship You

I can only imagine