Rachel Has a Number!

What a roller coaster...  today we got Rachel's Social Security Card!  I've never been so blessed to get a SS card in the mail!  When we were at the hospital, the funeral home was there waiting patiently as we said goodbye to Rachel and a person from Medical Records came in to have me sign some papers.  As this woman explained everything to me, she said "you'll get her social security number in the mail".  I wasn't expecting Rachel to get one...  and I remember yelling out, through tears of happiness, "She's getting a number?!" and everyone in the room cheered.  It was such a happy moment for me...  my girl has a number.  Seems a foolish thing to be thankful for, but to me it meant she was being acknowledged as important. 

Someone emailed me and said "I'm sorry Christmas won't go away" - I think in my previous post, I gave you all the wrong impression.  It's not that I don't want Christmas...  I just don't want Christmas without Rachel.  There's nothing I can do about that... it's going to happen and my heart aches.  The post I put on about not wanting Christmas cards was a generalized statement because family members had sent Christmas & new years cards 2 days after Rachel's funeral.  If these "family" members had shown any concern for me (as Rachel's mother) or Rachel during my pregnancy or now, my feelings on their Christmas greetings would have been different - but they hadn't and still aren't.  I am having a hard time wanting to share Christmas with anyone who doesn't still acknowledge that Rachel is our daughter, that I am her mother, and that she still matters...  She is, I am, and she does.  I mean, she was born less than 3 weeks ago. This year has been long, hard and totally beautiful all at the same time.  I know some people look at it like Rachel was just the baby who was going to die, and now she's fulfilled her destiny, so let's move on to the next thing... but it's not happening.  Our trial is just beginning and it hurts.  There is no escaping that.  Christmas time or not.


Yesterday, because I had said that I wasn't ready to do any visiting, someone in Matt's family told me that this isn't about me...  yeah, I know, it's about Jesus.  And He's ok with me grieving - even if it means I don't do things perfectly or how other people think I "should".  Even if other people view that as selfish.  He knows my heart.  He knows all the details...

We have people sending us gifts and encouragement every day (literally) that are not even related to us that show how much they still have us & Rachel on their hearts.  Gifts that are for or include Rachel.  Thank you to all of you.  This has been so great for my heart right now. We are so grateful to have a family in Christ.  You have loved us unconditionally and without any expectations and we are so blessed to have you.  Words cannot express our gratitude. 

After the hardest week of my life...  dealing with unnecessary pressure and judgement from people who claim to care... trying to figure out what my "new normal" is... trying to figure out how to live my life without my newest baby... trying to just get through the grief of it all and hoping my heart will keep beating...

My girl has a number!  What a perfect Christmas gift for a mother with empty arms...  God's timing is always perfect.  He gave me just what I needed today.  In the midst of a time when I feel so protective over my daughter and her not being over looked...  I received the card that proves she was here, proves that she was alive... validates her place in this world.

I know that technically, I didn't need any of this to "prove" any of these things... but I have to admit, it sure felt good to see.  That was the best Christmas gift I have ever received.

A Time to Grieve and a Time to Dance

One of the friends that the Lord has blessed me with through Rachel is Elisha.  Matt does auto glass, through Granite State Glass, for UPS where her dad works and Matt had told him about Rachel.  He sent his daughter my blog info and she has been one of my best supports through this journey.  I don't know her (technically - but I know her heart), but she has really loved me from a distance. (she lives in PA)  I have been so thankful for her care and compassion in my time of need.  I've mentioned before how people that "should" be there, haven't been, and that God has provided better friends than I thought I would ever have in the midst of my great trial... well, she is one of them - and technically a gift God gave me through my husband. :o)  He handed out cards to everyone with my blog info on it... put them EVERYWHERE for people to find... told everyone about his daughter.  Rachel would be proud of her Daddy - and he is proud of her.

So anyway, I got an email from Elisha the other day that brought a smile, along with tears...  when I was pregnant I had started reading the book of Ecclesiastes to Rachel.  I never finished it and I kinda regretted that.  I had no basis for picking that book, God just led me to it and when I got this email, it tied it together for me.  This is in her bible...she wrote Rachel's name to always remember her when she reads this verse.

This verse had never jumped out at me before.  I've read it many times, but obviously with a different reality, so when I wrote back I said...  "I know God uses all these details to remind me that He knows what's going on.  Rachel was a dancer...I'm sure she's dancing today." 

Elisha responded saying that she couldn't wait for me to get the gift that she had already sent me cause it fit into what we had been talking about.  God was definitely in the details.

Elisha's gift came yesterday...

  

A time to grieve and a time to dance...

This is my time to grieve... Rachel's time to dance.  I know I'll have my day for "dancing" and I know today isn't it.  I know that no amount of dancing on earth could bring the joy that dancing in heaven will... the thought of my girl twirling around with Jesus brings much comfort to my heart... one of the only things, other than Matt and my other children, that brings a smile to my face these days.  I felt her kicking and twirling for so long inside of me that I almost memorized her rhythm.  She was a dancer... I know she's dancing today.

I know you've seen this picture before, but this is at the funeral home... she's wearing her "love to twirl" outfit that she was buried in...  I miss her so much.  Can't wait to dance with her someday.

Reality Strikes Again

Got a letter from the funeral home today... didn't open it right away, was thinking it was a survey or something, which I was happy to fill out since Autumn Green was so great to deal with (if anything to do with a funeral can be great, Autumn Green is) When I finally got around to opening it, it was Rachel's death certificate.  

I had been putting together some pictures of her at the table - surrounded by my memories of her cute little hands, feet, and chubby cheeks, I opened the envelope only to read the worst words I have ever seen in writing...

Certificate of Death...  Rachel Alice Aube...  43 minutes...  Anencephaly

I haven't even received her birth certificate yet. 

I cried... hard...  for a long time.

My Inward Battle

I spent months trying to write a poem for Rachel... Nothing was coming to me.  I can usually write one out in one sitting, but I just had writers block, bad.  Being the determined person I am, I decided about a week before her birthday that I *was* going to write one if it killed me. 

The problem is that because my mind and heart were so torn, especially as her day approached, it was difficult to say anything that would articulate my overwhelming joy for my daughter and my deep sorrow for the fact that I was about to lose her, all in one.  Unfortunately, I don't think I did that.  But what I did get was a poem that shows my inward battle - truths vs feelings... the stuff that people tend to judge others on... 

You know, like what kind of Christian woman doesn't believe God's Word in her heart?  What kind of Christian woman puts up an argument against "logical, biblical truths" and questions God's plan?  What kind of Christian woman has a heart "selfish" enough to say "what about me"?

I know what kind of Christian woman does these things... One who loves Jesus with everything she is, lays all her sorrows at His feet where so many times before she has found great comfort and solace, It's a woman who believes God's plan is better than anything she could make up on her own.  This woman has been rescued from the gated of hell... on earth and in eternity, by faith in Christ alone.  She knows He's capable of anything, She loves Him more than could be said in words.

Can't be the same person, you say?  Doesn't seem to make sense?

This woman is me... and I'm a mother. 

A mother saying goodbye to her daughter.  A mother who tends to get a lot of "advice" from people who don't really get it, telling me all the truths that should somehow encourage me.  I do believe, wholeheartedly that they will...in time.  I believe that one day I will look back at this poem and will feel differently.  But I don't think it's going to get there from other people force feeding me "truth" in bad timing - or by me acting as if I don't have these feelings to begin with.  I try to always be real with people and to allow myself to be vulnerable in conversations.  I try to say how I'm really doing when someone asks... beginning to think that's a mistake.  I feel so fragile.  I'm hurting, my baby is gone and I'm still trying to be her mom and figure out what that means.  I need to protect her and to stand up for her.  I am following my calling as Rachel's Mama through.  She is part of our family now... And I'm not going to do this perfectly.  I'm trying.  The one thing I know for sure is that in those moments when I "selfishly" ask God "what about my heart?"  He loves me anyway.  He knew I was feeling it anyway.  and He will walk through this with me, being the one set of footprints, until I'm strong enough to walk again.  He accepts me where I'm at and loves me too much to leave me here... but he tends to be much more gentle than when people try to "fix" me - and His timing always perfect.  I'm claiming that for myself tonight.  He is gentle and He will lead me in perfect timing.  Might not be what everyone else thinks I should be doing, but I'm ok with that as long as God is.

So, without further adieu:

The Mind and Heart of a Mother

Searching down deep to try to explain

How I feel in my heart, to put words to the pain

My mind seems to know what it wants me to write,

But with each logical thought, my heart puts up a fight

My mind says “this is how God meant it to be”

My heart cries back “but what about me?”

My mind says “don’t worry, it will all be fine,

Just trust in the Lord and give it some time”

But with so much love and pain so deep

With empty arms, no baby to keep

You cannot reason with a mother’s heart

When she and her baby are torn apart

Answers of truth may help my mind,

But for my heart, there are no words you could find

Just 12 short inches from one to the other

But there are miles between

the mind and heart of a mother

by Stacy Aube

(If you use this poem, please don't change the contents and please credit my name...thank you!)

Correction!

The perfectionist in me is really frustrated right now...  I hate this part of my personality.  I'm working on that. 

I just got a comment on a post I wrote a couple weeks ago...  I didn't remember what I had written, so I went back to re-read it and found a HUGE error.  ergh. 

I wrote about a verse that God gave me in the middle of the night at the hospital ( I was blessed to be snuggling with Rachel that night, but she had already passed away) and somehow, in my copy & pasting, I left out the main point of the post!  Please humor me and read it again. click
Here
It will make way more sense now...  (I left out the last line of verse 8 last time.)

Our 3rd Baby

Just noticed the date... December 18, 2008 was the day I was due with our 3rd baby, who we never got to hold.  On May 7,2008, I lost that baby to miscarriage and with the baby, went a piece of my heart.  I wish we knew if it was a girl or boy... I'd have liked to name him/her.  Someone wrote me and told me that Rachel's story helped her grieve her miscarriages and that this year, she was hanging ornaments up for them both.  I'm excited for her and the healing that God has brought about.  This is tough stuff ladies... unless you've lost a baby, you can try to, but will never fully know the pain.  And once you know it, you will never be the same.  I've also learned through both of my losses, that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is sit quietly with them, ready to listen without advice, and then give her a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.  These are the things I have appreciated so much and have determined to do for others in the future. (I've also been blessed with a few good huggers... Mom, Kim & Dixie... they hug like they mean it and usually make me cry, but whatever. (Nancy too!) :o)  Matt said he got some great hugs from all three of you at Rachel's birthday too!  So, it is the general consensus. you're good and we love you. :o)

Please continue to share with us if you have experienced a loss...  we would love to be praying for you and we are so blessed by your stories and encouragement.  Love you.

(I guess it changed dates while I was writing this...it's December 19 now.  Another year gone by - and I should have been in bed a long time ago)

Where's The Remote?

I was just looking through my old emails trying to find a poem I had written while I was pregnant, that I was considering sharing with all of you...  I came across an email I had sent out to the girls at church, in which I had attached that pregnancy announcement that I showed you a couple of days ago. (in one of my posts) I was trying to hold off telling people since it was early in my pregnancy with Rachel, (didn't know she was a girl yet) but I had gone to a woman's retreat with my church - where I was one of the speakers - and was really sick.  Ironically, the theme for the weekend was "Hope" and I was giving my testimony of how God brought me out of my alcoholism and drug addiction.  (I thought I had enough of a testimony before this...wow. Did God really think I needed to add to it?? )  Anyway,  Here's the email I sent in May 2010:

Hi girls,
Thought you might enjoy this....it was my original plan for telling everyone (the announcement card with poem)- but I was so sick at the retreat, I couldn't hide it!! Seems like God's always reminding me that my plans are not His plans. My family will get the "hard copies" but my Mom has already told them too - When I saw my Uncle Dale on the way to the retreat he said "So, you're pregnant again, huh?" So, I apparently didn't need to do these, although they were fun! Sorry it didn't scan better....not sure why, but too tired to try to figure it out. I think God's working on my perfectionism problem as well - and it is a problem.

TTFN!

Love,
Stacy

God's plans are not my plans...   deep breath. 

It's hard to look back to when I had only excitement over my pregnancy and not wish that I could go back there.  Back to the simpler days... the days when my heart didn't hurt so much.  My problems weren't real problems...  my struggles not like anything I know now.  She already had anencephaly, but ignorance was bliss.  My dance of grief and joy had not yet begun although the music was already playing...  I just didn't know it.

My sweet precious Rachel.  I am so sorry it couldn't be different...  sorry for me, not you.

On another note, my Uncle Dale was still here, out at the stores.  It was 3 months before he died and you wouldn't have known it looking at him.  You couldn't tell he was dying of cancer.  He had all his hair and was not skinny!  But he was dying slowly.  Looking at me, you'd never had known that I'd be burying a baby 5 months later... she was growing and kicking, but dying slowly.

Matt & I went to see Dale a few days before he died... he was now in a hospital bed in my grandparents living room.  I now knew about Rachel.  He was on a lot of medicine for his extreme amount of pain.  All of a sudden, he came to and when he saw me there, he said to me "you're beautiful Stace, I don't know how you did it, but I'm glad you did.  We're both going through hard times right now, but we'll be OK"

I'm not quite sure what he meant.  I guess in my heart I felt like he was saying he was glad I was carrying Rachel. 

Hind sight is not always 20/20 - sometimes there's still plenty of blurriness.  There are just some things I will never understand - and sometimes looking back only accentuates that.  I try to keep moving forward in trust... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I wish life had a rewind button.  I can think of some moments that I would rewind to and pause... forever.

A Thankful Update on Rachel's Playground!

We have received another $270 in donations this week towards Rachel's Playground!  According to my records, which I need to double check with the church, we are down to needing $7430!  And that is before we have asked for any donations for material!  People have been blessing us in Rachel's honor and it warms my heart.  Most of the people we received money from are people we don't even know.  It's unbelievable.

We are so grateful that our children are seeing the body of Christ carry us through this difficult season.  They are seeing first hand how God provides through His people and how important it is to have a church family.   Our kids are seeing you love us and consistently being here for us. Thank you for loving us, not just with words, but with deeds.  We are so humbled by your support.  We got an anonymous check today for $500... said it wasn't for the playground, just for "whatever we needed."  And believe me, we need it.  As the phone rang to tell us this,  we were looking into snow blowers cause ours was at the shop and the guy was saying it wasn't worth fixing.  I'm not sure we're at a place to buy a new snow blower, but maybe we can fix it up.   If you know anything about snow blowers, maybe we could use some input on this one! (size, price, place to go?)  My point in sharing about that check, was that we just can't believe how we are being taken care of by you all.  I got 5 different gifts today.  2 in the mail (from "strangers"/new friends from the blog, from different states!), one on my door, and 2 that a friend dropped by with. All in pretty girl wrapping paper :o)  Rachel would have loved it. :o)  Dixie left with our laundry again after watching our kids so we could go out for a while. 

I started this post as a "quick" update about the playground, but it's not a quick thing to list all the ways we are being helped...  Thank you from the bottom of my heart...  thank you.

Dancing Away in My Love

2 weeks ago today I held my 4th child in my arms... today, we went as a family to visit her at the cemetery.  I have no choice but to go along with it.  No choice but to love her from here.  But what I wouldn't give to make it all different.

When we got there, it was dark again... having a hard time getting there before sundown.  We turned the van so we could see her grave and got out to read her a book.  The kids were all in their footie PJ's, which was good book reading attire.  Tonight we read "Hermie - A common caterpillar" by Max Lucado.  It's about a caterpillar that keeps coming upon other insects and after seeing something they had, that he didn't, would question God why He made him so "common".  God replied the same, gentle way each time saying "don't worry, I'm not finished with you yet, I'm giving you a heart like mine."

One night, Hermie surrendered his desires and said to God "You know, it's ok that I'm just a common caterpillar.  You love me,  and that makes me special."  The next morning when he woke up, He was no longer a caterpillar.  Then it says... "As Hermie flapped his new wings, he began to understand what God had been telling him.  He wasn't like the ant...or the snail...or the ladybug.  He was Hermie - a beautiful butterfly with a beautiful heart."

I was reminded of the verse that I clung to in the beginning of my pregnancy with Rachel... a verse on beauty -

Instead it should be that of the inner self.  The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. - 1 Peter 3:4

Rachel's life redefined beauty for me.  That verse used to be something I would read and try to believe, but living in a world that is so consumed with outward appearance and vanity, I would struggle to claim it as my truth.  I no longer have that struggle. 

Before I met her, I thought that I was going to struggle with what she looked like.  I was nervous that I would not be comfortable seeing her uncovered head.  But, when I looked at Rachel, I did not see any of the things that she was missing.  I did not see her color change from pink to blue.  I was blind to any imperfection.   I look at the pictures of me holding her without her hat on and am not phased by the top of her head not being there.  I am sad that it meant she couldn't stay with us, but I could have never loved her more.  She was beautiful.  She was perfect.  She was my girl.  She had a gentle and quiet spirit...  with a heart like God's. 

And since I've known her, mine has become more like His too.

She was the most beautiful thing I have ever had the honor of holding in my arms... and she is the most beautiful thing that I will ever have the blessing of carrying in my heart. 

She will be there always... dancing away in my love.

Somewhere Between 1 & 43 Minutes... Please?

Our friend Phil Yoder wrote a song for us and Kyla brought it to us the night before Rachel's birthday.  We listened to it with her and I cried.  This morning, Matt was out at Walmart with the kids and I was feeling ok.  I had done some good cleaning in the kitchen and felt good that I was cleaning my own house for once, since my mom has been taking care of us so often, and in between her doing my housework, I haven't accomplished much.  I organized a cabinet, got some clutter picked up and you could almost see all the counter tops again, when I came across the CD with Phil's song on it.  *To listen, you'll have to pause the music player at the bottom of the blog first*

I put it in and started listening...  and that was it.  I lost it.  I litterally colapsed onto the kitchen floor and sobbed for 30 mins straight.  My heart broke with each thought of sadness and with each thought of disappointment, I hit the floor and kicked my feet as if my pain was coming out of all my limbs.  I remember reading in the "I will carry you" book about her having bouts of anger and thinking that I would never feel that way...  I was wrong again.  I feel that way.  It was as if, as soon as my kids were all gone, I was able to grieve outwardly - and did I ever.

I love her so much.  I feel like my heart could explode.  I want to hold her... I want her to stay.  I have her hat that she wore when she was born sitting on my desk in front of me.  I can smell her.  I hope her scent never leaves it, but I doubt that is possible.  Memories will fade as the days go by...scents will fade, my visual memory will fade... but I'm not so sure my pain will fade. 

I find myself having moments throughout my day where I am painfully aware that this trial is not over...  I keep begging for someone to tell me it's not real.  I want to hear that this was all a bad dream and Rachel will be ours to keep - that I can snuggle with her tonight, instead of her empty blanket.  When I crawled into bed last night, I pulled her blanket close and smelled it and said to Matt "all I have left is this blanket..."  and I drifted off for another night of pill induced, broken hearted sleep begging God to help me.

My mom watched the kids today so Matt & I could go to my follow up appt to check my incision.  It was good to see Dr. Hunt again.  But it was really sad making the Portland trip without Rachel.  That was a first and I cried 1/2 the trip.  I used to feel her kick the whole way up and back. Grinning over her personality the whole way... she brought me so much joy, so many smiles.  Today, just as I said to Matt "this is our 1st trip without Rachel", I looked up and we were passing a salon (I'm a hairdresser) called "Rachel's Salon" - I think I might just go get a trim... Made me smile, as small of a thing as that was.  Maybe just enough of a reminder for me to realize that she is always with us.  She holds a piece of our hearts that will never belong to anyone else.  She is irreplaceable.

They had me fill out a paper that asks questions to see where you are at as far as postpartum depression.  One of the questions asks about if you feel like a failure to your family...  My mind instantly went back to the first moment I held Rachel and what I said to her...  I held her close and said "I'm so sorry pretty girl, I tried my hardest."  I felt like I had failed her.  But no matter what I did, how hard I tried, how well I planned, or how much I wanted it to be different, she was going to die in my arms.  I know this in my head.   My heart still wants an explanation.

Matt is really good about reminding me and telling others about how proud he is of the way I mothered Rachel.  It is so good for my heart to hear.  He told Amy tonight that nobody could have mothered her the way I did... that I lived it to the fullest with her - that I didn't fail her.  And yet, I can somehow still convince myself that there's something I should have done differently.  I try to off-set it with things like "God knew what I could handle and He planned it out accordingly"  it feels better for a second, and then the sting in my heart returns.

After we left Maine, we drove to Dover to visit our girl.  It will be nice when spring gets here - and when we can have her stone put in. And when it's not dark at 4:30.  We had to turn the headlights towards her grave.  I read her those Psalms from my post last night.  I like to tell her where I'm getting my comfort.  What kind of Mom would I be if I didn't share the bible with her? :o)  As if she's not fully aware, being with Jesus and all... :o)  So, I guess it's really for me.  But let's face it, moms, we all do things that are more for us than our kids... admit it!  I tell my kids that someday they will love the fact that they have 1000 pictures of themselves :o)  and they will... so will I :o)  Anyway, glad I'm finding some humor in the middle of my mess cause this has been a hard day.   

Please continue to pray for us and to pass us along to prayer chains.  Our journey is at a different place, but the hard part has only begun recently. 1 week ago since we buried her and tomorrow is 2 weeks since her birthday.   Matt will be going back to work next week and that is going to be a difficult transition for us.  And physically difficult since I'm not supposed to lift Samuel yet. The days have dragged and yet the time has flown by.  I wish I could reverse time and stop it right where it was...somewhere between 1-43 mins. and held it there... forever. 

Waiting on You, Lord

So, the Christmas cards have started rolling in... excuse me for a moment while I sound really ungrateful... I'm not into them. Especially the ones with no mention of Rachel. I am really not ready to move on. I LOVE Chirstmas. I LOVE Christ - and I am so looking forward to celebrating His birth this year. It is because of His birth that I can rest assured that Rachel is truly in that "better place" that everyone talks about. But two days after burying my daughter, I'm just not ready to have life go back to "normal" - "normal" will never exsist for us again, I realize that. But this is what I had said I was afraid of a couple of days ago... that life will return to normal for everyone else except me - the Christmas cards really just accentuate that. I feel like we need more than a week to transition from the loss of our daughter to the biggest celebration of the year. I went to open a couple of cards yesterday and today, thinking they would be sympathy cards or encouragement cards... something, anything that shows that people are aware of our loss and our sadness, and was caught off guard by "Merry Chirtmas" cards and "Have a Happy New Year" cards. I know it's this time of year... I know this is what everyone else is doing... but I'm still really sad. I'm still deeply grieving. Matt hasn't even gone back to work yet... we're just not ready to call things "normal". It's also going to be hard because Rachel's original due date was Christmas. From the moment we knew she was with us, Chirstmas 2010 was going to be especially significant. Here was the announcements we sent out back in May:

We will always have an extra stocking... we will be a family of 6 until we add another member and become 7. I am sorry to say that I think I was lying when I made up this litte rhyme...

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean that I only wished to make one request. I am so glad that she is filled with God's redeeming love, but I have MANY more requests... I want a girl... I want Rachel. I want her here with us. I want to fill her stocking, not just hang it and I want her to open it. I want to wrap her up a big empty box and watch her play in it. I want to hold her, to nurse her, to be awoken over and over every night cause she is crying. I want her to spit up on me and even have blow outs. I want to watch her grow. I want to buy cute girl clothes and dress her up in them. I want Desirae to have someone to share a room with. I want to listen to her babble and put her hair in pig tails. I want to devote my life to taking care of her along with the other three. I want to be so busy with 4 kids that I feel like I could die...

I want to be excited about Christmas cards. I'm just not.

Today, I cried on and off all afternoon. I just couldn't help it. I guess it's a new stage in my grief. I seem to be more sad today than I have been yet. I just miss her so much. I miss feeling her move. I hate that I have become a regular at the grave yard.

Along this journey, God has blessed me with some new friendships that have become such a blessing, one being with Emily. Today she came to get Des to bring her out for a class and when she got here I was crying. She didn't offer any wisdom, just prayed with me and told me she would continue praying and left. When they came back tonight, Des gave me a gift from her. It was a little "hope" sign that I had been eyeing when we went out last night and a card... again, not with her "wisdom", but comfort straight from God's Word. Verses that showed me she understood how heavy my heart was. The verses were so powerful for me tonight, I wanted to share them...

I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put thier trust in Him. - Psalm 40:1-3

But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer. You are my God, do not delay. - Psalm 40:17

I'm waiting on You, Lord.

My Fragrant Offering

Rough day today.  I cried a lot.  We set up our tree and it was just one of many things that I will have to do that will make me realize all of the "firsts" I am going to miss with Rachel.  I want her here with us.

I drove myself to the cemetery tonight and that was a mistake.  I can see why they don't want me driving for a couple weeks.  I just couldn't let a day go by and not go visit.  I've been every day so far. 

Yesterday a friend at church had given me a present, so we went over and opened it at the cemetery with Rachel.  It was a beautiful scent warmer and the card had daisies on it. She wrote a couple of verses that talk about how knowing God is like a "fragrance" and about Him giving himself up for us as a "fragrant offering" - and then she wrote "In honor of sweet baby Rachel Alice Aube whose fragrance has touched countless thousands"  I was glad I was there with Rachel when I opened it...she was my little flower.  I have decided that I am going to keep fresh flowers in my house at all times as a symbol of what she is to me... a fragrant, rare, beautiful gift created by and cared for by God.  sigh.

Would I Use a Cammode? Depends...

Last night I spent hours in the ER - didn't get home until after 1 am - hadn't pooped in 13 days (sorry if this is too much info for you!)  This is the most painful thing I've experienced so far.  Unfortunately they didn't really do anything for me, except an x-ray and then sent me on my way with one of those laxative drinks.  I will say that as I sat there in my hospital gown, sitting on a cammode in the ER,  I was reassured that my husband loves me unconditionally :o)  And Des got a real kick out of the fact that I used a Depends last night, that's right, I slept in a diaper....  This is what I get for joking about getting some during my pregnancy.  I am hoping that some day this might be a funny story... and since I'm dumb enough to tell the whole world about it, I think there's a possibility there, but I'll admit that last night, this was like the hair that broke the camels back. 

I had said to Matt earlier in the day how thankful I was that I was not angry at all with God about Rachel.  At a time when I need Him most, it would really stink to be mad at Him.  On Saturday night, I only slept for 3 hours, even with medication.  I just have trouble shutting my mind off and I'm struggling to let the days go on without her.  Every day that goes by, is one more without my girl.  I hate it. 

But last night, as we called around trying to get a sitter for the other kids at 10pm and I was considering calling an ambulance to get me to the hospital cause I felt like I was about to give birth...  I was MAD at God.  I said "seriously, do I not have enough to deal with, God??  Do I need one more thing??  Have I not been through enough??"  I was P.O'd to put it nicely.  I really couldn't believe He was letting me have to endure yet another thing...  And I wish I could say that at the end of the night, He revealed to me some truth that gave me understanding that brought me comfort... but He didn't.  It was just another thing that stunk (no pun intended) that I had to go through.  Just something else He could have stopped and didn't.

But today, I woke up and checked my email.  I had a facebook message from someone in another state who I don't know telling me that her friend, who she had been witnessing to for 20 years and who was totally against God, had accepted Christ last night because "she wanted to know this God Who could make a woman losing her child have hope"

Back when I started this blog, I had hoped that God would accomplish such things through it.  I am so blessed to know that I was indeed following how God was leading me through it... and that Rachel's life will be part of others people's stories, not just mine, for years to come.

I'd sit in pain on a cammode in front of people any day for that.

Another Article

Rachel made the front page again!  The day before her service, the same reporter who wrote the article back in October, wrote a follow up.  We didn't know this one was coming either and it was such a gift since it was in the paper the same day as her obituary.  Here's the link:
http://www.fosters.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20101208/GJNEWS_01/712089907

A lot of it will sound familiar since he took all his info from my blog, but if you could pray for this man to be blessed, that would be great.  I think it is so awesome that he has taken the opportunity to put the name of the Lord on the front page.  Many people would shy away from that since well, you know, it's not popular...  But he was bold and I am so thankful for that.  I am so humbled to be a part of God's work through Rachel.  If you haven't read the first article, here's the link for that:
http://www.fosters.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20101028/GJNEWS_01/710289669
.

Thankful for Completion

Another day without her... I'm still alive.  Shannan picked me up this am and drove me to Merrimack to a place where I'm having Rachel's flowers preserved.  They preserve them onto a tile, which I thought was cool.  I hope it comes out well.  I put her name, birthday and "43 beautiful minutes" on it and then the verse from Jeremiah "I have loved you with an everlasting love".  I also got a couple of little things made with her flowers, but they are going to be gifts so I can't tell you now...but I'm excited about it! :o)  I love giving gifts.

On the way home Shannan came to visit Rachel with me.  She gave me a few minutes by myself with her too.  I read to her and talked to her.  It doesn't feel as strange and I would have thought...it actually is coming pretty naturally to me.  My mother's love is blind.  She will always be my daughter and I will never have the relationship I would love to have with her, so I am taking the one I can get.  And still, every day, she is making me a better woman...the impact this little girl has had on my heart and countless others is overwhelming to me.  I am so honored to be part of her story.  I love her more than I could possible put into words. 

I also got an email from a friend today telling me that she went to visit Rachel.  It made me happy to know that she's getting visitors...  she said she told her what good parents she has - that made me & Matt smile too :o) 

I had decided months ago that on the memory box my sister is making me, I wanted the verse "I thank my God every time I think of you" phil.1:3. 

And some of you probably remember the post I wrote months ago about God bringing everything to completion??  If not, re-read it cause this post will make more sense if you do - here's the link: http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/2010/09/he-brings-everything-to-completion.html

I knew that the bible said that God brings all things to completion.  The part I didn't realize until my visit with Rachel today, was that He says it in the same verses where He says "I thank my God every time I think of you".  I was unaware of where it said that - and I had no idea I was about to read it.  I also hadn't really thought about the fact that Rachel is complete now. (I know it sounds strange that it hasn't been a great comfort to me yet, but I guess I'm still working through any of this even being real right now - no, I'm not in denial)

So, there I am, freezing at the cemetery again... and I start reading to her...  I'm reading her these verses cause I want her to know that I am so thankful for her. That  I don't get crushed with sadness when I think of her, I do cry, and I am sad, but the joy in my heart far outweighs any of that stuff.  And it has since I first knew of her.  And Matt has always felt that way too... She is worthy of thankfulness for sure.  Anyway, if you're tracking with me, listen to what I read today and see if it hits you the same way it did me earlier, keeping in mind the previous post about completion...

Phil. 1:3-8

 I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,   being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  (emphesis mine) 

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.  God can testify how I long for you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

My only question in the beginning... my only question now... "why couldn't He have just finished knitting her together in my womb?"  Why couldn't He have just completed her?

He did.  Just not here.  For me, that sucks.  For her, that's good news.  She's dancing away up there worshipping our Lord.  She's complete. She longs for nothing.  I long for her, but God can testify to that.  He is aware of my sufferings.  I hope she knows who I am when I see her again.  I'd love to hear her say "Mama".

As I got up to leave I said "see you tomorrow sweetheart" and got back in the car.  My heart was really heavy for the next couple of hours, but all things considered, I'm doing really well.  God is good - He's still carrying me... He'll know when to put me down.

while I was gone, Desirae was out enjoying a pretty serious English Tea Party.  There was a bunch of girls her age & older who got all dressed up with heels, long gloves, shawls and all and drank tea with sugar cubes and their pinky's out. :o)  she had a blast.  I'm so thankful for our great friends carrying us along as well.  Keeping the kids in mind and checking in constantly to see if they can help with them.  Tomorrow Des is going with some other friends and their 2 girls to see a musical at the Seacoast Rep. after church.  She's getting big.  All this girly stuff makes me wish we were able to keep Rachel even more.  Girl stuff is fun - and so much more so with more than one of them.  I'm glad she has so many friends to be with.  And I am praying that God will bless us with a sister for Desirae in the future.  If not, she's got all sorts of sisters in Christ.  Thank you for that!  And adoption has always been on my heart...and Matt mentioned it the other day.   We've talked a little about that and we're praying through it for now. 

What I really want is the impossible... I want Rachel.  I want this to all be a long, bad dream caused by eating the wrong food before bed and when I wake up, I'll be getting ready for my 19 week ultrasound, hoping to find out we're having another girl - and getting no bad news.

And then again, I don't want that at all.  I love Rachel with such an unconditional love, that it's almost as if she wouldn't be "my girl" if she didn't have anencephaly.  I love who she was...every inch of her...exactly the way she was created.  I was blind to what she was missing and in love with all she had...like Daddy's nose, Mama's mouth, and the same long black hair that all her siblings have had.  I miss her... oh, God, do I miss her... but I love her for just who she is.  I am determined to never let her be forgotten and am already planning her next two parties. :o)  She'll be here for them, and if I know her, she'll be dancing!

Beauty For Ashes

I can't believe a week has gone by already...  Seems like it's going by way too fast and yet feels like forever, just like my pregnancy.  My mom came down to help us clean this morning (our house was a wreck!) and at 11:10, she asked Matt if he could pray... Rachel passed away at 11:10 last Friday.  A whole week...  My mom has never asked us to pray before.  She's prayed along with us by default, but never requested it.  I'm glad Rachel could bring her to the place where prayer is comforting to her.  I'm also very grateful that she remembers details that matter to me - and that they matter to her.  10,080 minutes without my girl...but who's counting?

Things are tough here right now.  We are blessed to have a full house that keeps us busy, but there's no denying the pain.  I feel so inadequate to be what I need to be for everyone right now...but I guess that's not really that different than usual.  I am just so tired of being sad and I know it's not going away any time soon. I feel like if I let myself fall apart, I would never be put back together.  I cry here and there, but only for a minute or two and then I have to dust myself off and keep going.  Everyone else will move on and life will return back to normal, but for me..."normal" will never be the same.  Rachel was a part of me for so long, I hardly remember life without her and I don't know what to do now.

I was planning on going to the cemetery today alone and then remembered I'm not allowed to drive.  In the midst of everything that has been going on, it's been easy to forget that I just had major abdominal surgery.  I had a couple of people, who had c-sections before, comment at Rachel's service that they couldn't believe how well I was moving around just 6 days later.  I guess when you're heart's broken, it's hard to feel anything else.  Although today my pain has been pretty bad.
My mom stayed with the kids for a couple hours (she spends 1/2 her life here at this point) and Matt &  I went down to visit Rachel.  When we pulled up to her spot, I started bawling.  It was so hard to be there and have her be out of reach.  To know she's under there... to know she's never coming out. 

We sat at her grave for well over an hour.  Matt dug a little hole to put some fake flowers in (hopefully they'll weather the winter and keep color on her grave) 


and I read scriptures to her. We prayed and we talked to her. It was beautiful and painful. That same old line between beauty and sorrow that we've been walking this entire journey.

When we first found out that Rachel wouldn't stay with us long, I read a book called "I will carry you" by Angie Smith.  She had said that she marked all the scriptures she read to her daughter in her bible with dirt from her grave.  Today I did that too... a way to always remember the verses I read to her.  A way to always carry part of her resting spot with me.  We found great comfort in God's Word today. 

Matt collected some of the clay from the ground in his hand and took it with him... I was reminded of the picture we're given in the bible about God being the potter and we are the clay.  I wondered, can He really make something beautiful out of my pain?  It's easy to trust Him to mold the "clay" when the pieces are intact, but what about when the pieces crumble in front of my eyes?

What about when it seems impossible for the pieces to come together?  Do I really trust Him?

I do.

I love the spot we chose for her.  It's so peaceful.  Standing on a grave and talking to my baby is far from how I would like things to be, but we are making the most of it... for Rachel's honor and God's glory.  God is taking care of what we can't.  Picking up the pieces we can barely hold onto and gently putting them back together again.  I am so thankful for Him. 

The bible says in Isaiah 61:3:
To appoint to them that mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

A Blogpost from Desirae (Rachel's big sister)

Isn't Rachel SO adorable?! I love her SO much.When she died Friday afternoon Dec.3rd 2010,I was SO upset.From then on every night,when I pray for her I suddenly remember she's dead.What a sad memory!But not spiritually.She's alive with God in heaven.But still,every night I cry at the remembrance of my own baby sister,gone with God in heaven.I wonder if I'll ever see her again.
I LOVE YOU RACHEL
Desirae

Why?

Rachel's service was beautiful.  The day was extremely long and yet went too quickly, just like my pregnancy.  We were blessed with $625 towards Rachel's playground today.  I'm really excited this is actually going to happen.  It started out as a much smaller idea that God put on my heart and the thought of it becoming a reality helps me to look forward.

I'm having the hardest time of my life tonight.  I can't seem to take all my thoughts captive.  I have managed to stay busy all afternoon after we got home, but now that things are slowing down and Matt's asleep, my heart is getting very heavy.  Every time I close my eyes, I keep picturing Rachel's perfect little face and nose...and it was perfect... in the cold ground.  I want to go dig it up and take her back.  Staying still right now is harder than it has ever been.   I'm afraid to even try to go to sleep cause I don't want to have nightmares.  Please pray for my mind and heart.  This is when things start getting really hard.  As if it wasn't already hard enough. 

I will admit, tonight I'd like to know...  Why, God... why?

Not Ready To Say Goodbye

Tomorrow morning is Rachel's memorial service..  I don't want tomorrow to come.  I'm not ready for this.  Please join us for her service.  I've heard that people are questioning if they should come if they don't know us... please do.  We would love to have your support.  We have gotten some of the best support through this trial from people we don't even know.  We would be honored to have everyone who loves her come - and blessed to make new friends through our little girl's life.  It starts at 9 am.

In the meantime, please pray for our hearts...  this makes it all too real.  We're just not ready.  Never will be.

I miss her.

Rachel's Obituary

Here's the link, they have a guest book too...  http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/fosters/obituary.aspx?n=rachel-aube&pid=146985087

prayer request

I didn't think we'd make it out of today without a trip to the ER with Samuel.  He's got another ear infection and is having trouble breathing - we had tried everything and he still wasn't doing well and was struggling to breath.  tonight it seems to have broken through a bit.  Please pray that he'll do ok and that over the next few days, when things are busy and very difficult, that we'll all stay healthy physically.

Rachel's Playground!!

We got the approval to have Rachel's Memorial Playground at our church!  I wrote up a page on the left side of the blog with information about it.  Here is a picture of what the main structure will be:


The other side has a 20 foot "two by two" wide slide, a climbing net, a music wall, a rock wall, and lots of animals.   It's an awesome playground.  Learning Structures in Strafford, NH is designing it for us and helping us with it.  (For those of you from around here, they are the same people who designed the amazing playground in Barrington!) We are SO excited about it.  It will be built at Grace in Rachel's memory.  I have put a "donate" button on the right side of the page.  Donations will go directly into a paypal account for us and will be used for supplies to build the Ark.  Or they can be mailed to Grace Community Church, 159 Rochester Hill Road, Rochester NH 03867 with "Rachel Alice" in the memo line.  Other ways to help are in the playground page I made.  Check it out!!  We'll need lots of help.

One Last Visit

The last few hours at the hospital last night were really hard.  I just kept falling apart without warning... and then as they wheeled me out to the car, I cried the whole way.  Leaving there without my baby was the worst thing I've ever endured.

We stopped at the funeral home on the way through Maine.  I was hoping to be able to get her dressed for her funeral, but wasn't sure if it had been too long (that maybe seeing her again would be a bad idea)  I wanted to be mindful of what my last vision of her would be. 

I am SO glad that we are using Autumn Green Funeral Home.  Tammy (the owner) has made this difficult time much easier to bear.  We got there and she said that she had gotten her dressed cause she didn't think it would be beneficial for me to do it since so much time had passed.  I was bummed, but was trusting her judgment.  She said that she had washed her clothes for me and sewed her hat a little smaller so it would stay on better.  We also were going there to do a couple more hand & foot moulds like ones we had done at the hospital, but wanted more - she had already done them for us as well.

When she said I couldn't dress her, I thought she meant I couldn't see her, but I asked and she said we could and that she was in on the couch.  This is where the difference of this funeral home really made the difference for my heart...

I walked into the other room.  It was a cozy little room, with candles in the windows.  Rachel was snuggled up on the couch.  She looked so pretty.  I immediately forgot that I had just had major surgery and I dropped to my knees to see her.  Matt & I were both in awe of how beautiful she is.  One of my regrets after she had left the hospital was that I hadn't kissed her as much as I wanted to... So I fixed that.  I kissed her as many times as I could fit in.  I kissed her cheeks, her nose, her forehead.  I kissed each finger and her little hands.  I kissed her feet and I kissed her knees.  All the places a Mama eventually kisses her children.  I spent an hour kneeled down next to her, memorizing her face and kissing her.  I told her over and over how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her.   I wrapped her up in the blanket Desirae made her and placed her in her casket and gave her the little lamb I bought her.   I told her "Jesus loves you, but you already know that, don't you..." and then I said, "we'll see you someday, pretty girl."

We talked with Tammy for a while in the kitchen and before we left I went in to use the toilet... and snuck back into her room to give her another kiss! :o)  It was so good for my heart to know that she is in a nice cozy house, that she's not beyond my reach, and that she is being so gently cared for. Oh, and that she had a Christmas tree!! :o)  Afterall, she was due on Christmas! Tammy told me that her staff had been holding her and rocking her earlier that day.  As a mom, there's nothing more I could ask for.  And my little girl deserves that kind of care.

She's wearing her "love to twirl" outfit. :o)  My little dancer

this is the room she's in... Her casket is on the couch, her vault on the floor

Her first Christmas tree...

I know God provided this funeral home for me.  You may remember back when I was trying to find a hospital in NH cause I didn't want to have to find a funeral home in Maine to pick her up (they can't cross state lines)  Well, Tammy is licensed in NH and ME and her funeral home is the best place I could have hoped for.  God has really protected my heart in so many ways through this journey.  This was a huge one for me.

When we left the hospital, I had questioned if I should even be stopping in there since I was already so emotional.  When we left Autumn Green, not only was I no longer emotional, but I was at peace.  I thanked God the whole way home for the amazing place He provided for Rachel.  I came home and was able to rest well last night, knowing that Rachel was in the best place possible.  Both her body...and her soul.  Thank You, Jesus.

My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone

I finally just took a shower...my first one without my girl.  I usually talk to her a lot in the shower, so it was a bummer.  Getting dressed after was another reminder when my tank top actually covered my belly.  I guess there will be reminders all over the place that she's not with me.  My heart will break for  her a million times a day.  Just goes with being a Mama with empty arms, I guess.  I miss her. 

We're getting prepared to go home.  I'm not looking forward to getting back to the day to day stuff and not being able to include her.  Excited to see the kids though and to be able to be there for them and talk with them about how they're feeling.  This is a hard time for them too.

The night of Rachel's birthday, I woke up at 3 am.  I couldn't sleep so I cuddled with her and memorized her little face some more.  Around 3:30, I finally started to fall back asleep.  I had an experience that I'm sharing reluctantly because I am not one to say "the Lord told me" or "I had a vision" and I don't want it to come across as flippant or that I take things like this lightly.  But this was a huge thing that happened and not only do I not want to forget it, but I would love to share it with you...  I just don't know that words can do it justice. 

So, anyway, I had a vision of Matt kneeling down and I heard him say "what do you want me to do Lord"  and then I heard, clear as can be, "Isaiah 47:8"  I opened my eyes, and although I figured it was nothing, wanted to look it up before I forgot what it was.  I figured it was a familiar verse and was just subconsciously etched in my mind from reading it previously.  I couldn't reach my bible, so I woke Matt up and asked him to read it.  I didn't tell him why, cause, well I'm not sure at 3:30 in the morning he'd be up for a story.  When he read it, my mouth dropped open.  this is what it says:

[8 ] Now therefore hear this, you lover of pleasures,

who sit securely, who say in your heart,

“I am, and there is no one besides me;

I shall not sit as a widow or know the loss of children”:

(Isaiah 47:8 ESV)

I told Matt what I had just envisioned in my mind.  We were both totally blown away.  We talked for a while and believe it has a couple of meanings for us, but the one that came to us right away was simply the conviction that we find our "pleasures" and security in the wrong things sometimes.   Sometimes it's our finances, sometimes our physical security (home, job, things)  and sometimes it's our family (each other and our children).  God created us to be relational creatures with a need for other people, but He never intended that need to override our need for Him.  It's a hard thing to hear, as I sit here with a broken heart missing my baby girl, but it's true.  My soul can and will only find rest in God alone.  With her, without her, I need Him more than anything else.    He does not expect me to not weep, to not be devastated, to not be overcome by sadness.  He is a God Who is aware of our suffering.  But He continually calls me to a deeper relationship with Him through my pain... a stronger trust in Him...  Hope in Him and His promises.  As much as I hate what is happening.  I still believe in His truth, His love, His Word.  It never fails me.  He always brings me rest.

God's Love, My Love

I have loved you with an everlasting love.  Therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

Jeremiah 31:3

Look at those cheeks!  What am I going to do without her?

Rachel's Service Details

This information will be in her obituary as well, but wanted to share what we have planned so that hopefully you can join us...

Rachel's memorial service will be on Thursday, Dec 9th. at Grace Community Church, 159 Rochester Hill Rd, Rochester, NH.  We will have a wake (closed casket) at 9am and the service at 10am.  Afterwards, we will have a short committal ceremony at the cemetery and then everyone is welcome to join us back at Grace for a reception lunch. 

We look forward to celebrating Rachel and the gift of her life with you.

Truth and Dare...

I spent last night cuddling with my girl.   The funeral home came and picked her up this morning.  I was so grateful for how well they handled it.  We didn't want Rachel to go to the morgue at any time so they picked her up directly from us.  I was nervous about how that would play out and was pretty sure that whatever pieces of my heart were still intact at that point, would break.  Just the week ago, God led us to this funeral home (we were planning on using a different one and on Thursday, the day before her birthday, we made a last minute decision to switch.)  This was definitely God's provision for protecting my heart... instead of the usual "case" they use to pick up infants, Tammy brought a nice little moses style basket.  These two women from Autumn Green Funeral Home (and Kim) were so gentle and caring and sat with me and let me take my time as I fell apart saying goodbye to my precious baby. 

I am very sad tonight... but I still don't feel hopeless.  I want to take a minute to say something that is on my heart, but doesn't necessarily "fit" into this post. (I have a feeling I might be all over the place with my words for a while...)

Last night, as I sat sitting with Rachel, I was overwhelmed with the mercy of God.  I was holding my baby, who had died hours before.  My mind was at rest and my heart at peace.  I was full of thankfulness to God for how many blessings had come out of this one little girl.  In my humanness, I knew there was no way that this situation could feel so acceptable to my heart.  I know that is God alone.  And I feel I would be doing a disservice to you if I didn't take this opportunity to say this to you...

I know there are many people who read this blog who don't have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  I need to make it very clear, especially to all of you, that I am not capable of any of this without God.  My "faith" is not in and of itself what keeps me going.  It is my trust in my Father in heaven and His son, Jesus Christ that does.  When I made a decision to stop running from His call on my life and follow Him, to change my life to make it more pleasing to Him, He made himself real to me and my life has never been the same.  Not because it's been easy, but because it's been full of peace and joy. 

I know there are people who have come to either a new relationship with God, or a better relationship with God because of my sweet Rachel.  If you are one of them, I would LOVE to hear it.  If you comment and want me not to post it, just let me know and I won't.  It would be so encouraging to my heart to hear about it.

Tomorrow is our first Sunday without Rachel... and her first Sunday with Jesus.  And we won't be able to be in church to worship the One Who created her.  We would be so honored if you do not normally go to church, if you would step out of your comfort zone and attend a local, bible teaching church tomorrow morning in Rachel's honor and for God's glory.  If you do that, could you please let us know...  our greatest desire through this journey was to make God be known and I think there would be  no better way than for you to go experience Him for yourself.  

And on that note...  we'll call that a challenge :o)   Let me know how it goes!! :o)

I'm gonna go hang with my amazing husband... and miss my beautiful daughter.

Happy Birthday Rachel!

Today has been the best day of my life... 

Here she is...  Rachel Alice Aube!!

She is 15 1/2" long and weighs 3 lbs 7 oz... and still was too big for the preemie clothes we bought!  So thankfully, Nana got her newborn size clothes for her birthday - which she looks SO cute in.

Thank you for all your prayer... let's see, I'll try to give you the "quick" version and will get more detailed later.  Everything as far as my surgery went excellent.  The doctor was surprised at how quickly my uterus went back down - apparently that's not likely when you have that much fluid.  My pain hasn't even really kicked in yet, so please keep praying for that.  During the surgery, I heard the doctor say " can you get me a blanket for my feet?" (she was serious - I could hear my fluid literally spaying and pouring out) and I said "what, you forgot your galoshes?" :o)  We actually had a lot of laughter in the OR.  God is amazing. 

We were blessed with 43 minutes with our girl and have spent the rest of the day throwing her a birthday party, holding her, making memories and praising God for His unbelievable faithfulness to us.  Today we experienced the peace that passes understanding in a way I never knew existed.  After she passed away, Matt & I were snuggled in with her and waiting for my stitches to be done - and we were just quiet.  I hadn't been paying any attention to the music (they had put on contemporary Christian music for us) and my ears...and my heart... caught the end of the song "Word of God speak"  It says "I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's OK"

For those of you who got my first email when we informed everyone that Rachel wouldn't live long, you may remember at the end, I asked that people use the Word of God to encourage us because, I said,  "the Word of God speaks"  - Imagine that, God tied that together too...  He knows exactly what I need.

My nurse is the best and the doctor was great.  We have had an awesome experience here so far.  The kids did really well with Rachel and I just talked to them and they seem to be having a good time at home with Nana, Kim, Auntie and their cousins. 

As they were preparing me for surgery, there were a bunch of people in with me before Matt & Meg were able to come in... I asked "Have any of you ever met a baby with anencephaly before?"  and they said that Rachel would be the only one they met alive.  I said "She's pretty cool...if I do say so myself"  The nurse said "well, yeah, look at who she came from" and I said "yeah, straight from God"

She is our gift, straight from God.  I don't know what I'm going to do without her, but I am so grateful to have been able to know her.  I love her so much.

More pictures coming soon - Kelly Roy from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep spent most of the day here capturing our memories.  She got some really nice ones. 

Love you all - I'll post again soon!!

Hope for Tomorrow

Wow, what a day!  My phone has rang off the hook all day, I got a million emails and we have had many people stop by - Rachel even received some beautiful flowers today with a "Happy Birthday Rachel Alice" note.  Matt got out early again today and we've been trying to get set for tomorrow.

So, let's see...tomorrow...  I'll give you the breakdown of how it's supposed to go and would love if you could try to remember to pray at those times...

We have to leave by 6:30, to get there for 7:30 - pray for safe travels and that we'll get out of the house on time! :o)
My c-section is at 9:30 and should take about an hour until we're back in a room with Rachel. - During this time we could use prayer for the following...

-That my spinal will work successfully and that I won't need other medication
-That the surgery will go well - that the surgeon would have steady hands and that Rachel will be born safely.  Please pray that I will have peace and not be anxious about the surgery. 
- For good nurses and staff... especially that they will be sensitive about the situation and that they will treat Rachel just like any other baby
- For our hearts - for peace & joy.

Then between 10:30 - 11:00, the kids will be meeting her.  Pray for their hearts, for protection against fear and for sweet time with their sister.

The rest of the day will just be us soaking up every second we get with our girl...  we have our car seat all cleaned and ready to go... pray that we'll need it!

We want to thank everyone who has been helpful to us during the last few months and for all your prayers.  We have definitely felt covered in prayer and we are amazed daily at the love we have received.  Today has been an awesome day.  I was praying, asking God to be with me and my next thought was "do not be afraid for the Lord your God goes with you wherever you go" - I can't believe I'm not afraid.  I got multiple calls from Maine Med today, getting prepared for tomorrow... everyone said something to the effect of "tomorrow is going to be a sad day" - I don't believe that.  Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day.  I have heard from other moms who have lost babies to anencephaly that it was a day filled with peace and joy.  I always found it hard to believe... but I can feel it happening.  God is carrying me.

Remember my trip a few weeks back to the fabric store?  I had bought a Christmas decoration and hadn't put it out yet...  I thought today was the perfect day to display it.  Hope does not disappoint!

This one word will always remind me of two people... Jesus and Rachel.  This one word will always remind me of the sweetest journey I've ever taken... the most beautiful path I've ever walked... the miracle I was blessed to be a part of... 

The time Jesus carried me while I carried Rachel.  I'd do it all over again.

I can't wait to show her to all of you!  Pictures coming soon!  Stay tuned...

One Day to Go!

Tomorrow is Rachel's birthday!  I am cleaning like a maniac today... we'll call it nesting :o)  trying to get everything in order to leave for the weekend.  I'm definitely feeling wiped out, but my excitement is keeping me going.  I hope it will help me sleep tonight.  I'm going to try to go to bed at a decent time for once so that I am ready for the early morning. 

I am amazed by how I feel today.  If you would have asked me a month or two ago how I thought this last week before her birth would feel, I would have guessed that I would be a wreck.  I would have said that I would be emotional and angry... but I am full of joy and hopeful expectation.  Tell me where else that could come from but the Lord?  He is so good to me.  I feel at peace and I am ready to meet my little girl.  I never thought I'd ever feel ready.  I can't wait to hold her in my arms.

Matt & I have really pulled together these last couple of weeks and I am certain that this journey has made our marriage even stronger than it was.  I am also certain that just like God prepared us for this time with other times, He will use this to prepare us for what He has in store for us next.  He is good like that.  I am looking forward to the day when this makes sense to us and we can see how it was for our good.  I know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

What a road it's been...  and I know the hard part hasn't begun.  I will post details about tomorrow later tonight and we'll have pictures of this lovely lady coming soon!  Can't wait to show her off!

Check Out Our New Photos!

We had another session of pregnancy photos done back at the beginning of November.  Our friend Luke Smith, of Living Proof Studios in Dover, NH did them.  (He did our wedding photos too!)  I put another slideshow with these pictures on the right side of the blog with some of my favorites.  Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a picture feind... and we are SO grateful to have so many beautiful photos to remember this time.  I'm going to put contact info for both Luke and Kelly (did our last photos) - that way if you're ever in need of beautiful photos, you'll know who to call!  Both of them have also graciously offered to come to the hospital and take photos of our time with Rachel as well.  36 hours from now we'll be meeting our girl!  Can't wait!

While I Was Unaware

Me & Walmart have a love/hate relationship.  I reluctantly went yesterday to get some toothpaste and stuff while I was down to only Samuel for a while.  It was fun hanging out with him alone.  He's a cute kid, if I do say so myself.  So, there I stood in the isle trying to figure out what kind of pads to buy (sorry, guys) for after the baby comes and this lady came around the corner and said "Oh, you are so beautiful" - "Why, thank you" I said, as if I agreed.  She started asking about the baby and I told her how Rachel was coming early and why.  I said that she's not expected to live long and she marched over to me and said "They might not be able to do anything for her, but I know Someone Who can - His name is Jesus, can I pray for you?"  She asked if she could touch my belly and there we stood in front of the femanine hygiene products as she prayed for healing for Rachel.  We talked for a few more minutes and I told her "wow, thank you, sometimes you don't know how much you need something until God provides it"  I really needed to hear someone say with total belief that God could still heal her - and I needed to hear her pray that way.  I, of course, was now crying.

I did the rest of my shopping and picked a check out where I was pretty sure I wouldn't be asked about my due date.  I was right, the cashier didn't ask, but from over her shoulder the manager did.  I told her Christmas, but she's coming early.  She said "I don't blame ya". and so I told her why.  I had NO intentions on saying anything to anyone else after the first lady, but as soon as I told her, she came right over and shared that she has also lost two babies.  Before I left, we were both crying and she gave me a hug. 

I never realized how many people have lost babies.  It unreal how when I open up and share, 1/2 the people I talk to will tell me of a loss they've had.  Just yesterday, we had a women on the elevator at Maine Med tell us of a baby she lost 45 years ago and how much it hurt.  And while I've walked around complaining about not getting enough sleep cause one of my babies was up a lot, or fretting over some minor thing (blessing, really) that we as mother's have to deal with...  there were mothers leaving hospitals without their baby.  There were mothers planning funerals and trying to make a first birthday without their baby meaningful.  While I was complaining over the lines at the store or how expensive baby clothes were, there were mothers wishing they had a baby to buy clothes for... even wishing that baby could be screaming in a long line with them.  While I was completely unaware... mothers all over the world were crying as their hearts broke over empty arms. 

On one hand, I am devastated to be so keenly aware now - and on the other, I'd never go back.