Monday, December 6, 2010

My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone

I finally just took a first one without my girl.  I usually talk to her a lot in the shower, so it was a bummer.  Getting dressed after was another reminder when my tank top actually covered my belly.  I guess there will be reminders all over the place that she's not with me.  My heart will break for  her a million times a day.  Just goes with being a Mama with empty arms, I guess.  I miss her. 

We're getting prepared to go home.  I'm not looking forward to getting back to the day to day stuff and not being able to include her.  Excited to see the kids though and to be able to be there for them and talk with them about how they're feeling.  This is a hard time for them too.

The night of Rachel's birthday, I woke up at 3 am.  I couldn't sleep so I cuddled with her and memorized her little face some more.  Around 3:30, I finally started to fall back asleep.  I had an experience that I'm sharing reluctantly because I am not one to say "the Lord told me" or "I had a vision" and I don't want it to come across as flippant or that I take things like this lightly.  But this was a huge thing that happened and not only do I not want to forget it, but I would love to share it with you...  I just don't know that words can do it justice. 

So, anyway, I had a vision of Matt kneeling down and I heard him say "what do you want me to do Lord"  and then I heard, clear as can be, "Isaiah 47:8"  I opened my eyes, and although I figured it was nothing, wanted to look it up before I forgot what it was.  I figured it was a familiar verse and was just subconsciously etched in my mind from reading it previously.  I couldn't reach my bible, so I woke Matt up and asked him to read it.  I didn't tell him why, cause, well I'm not sure at 3:30 in the morning he'd be up for a story.  When he read it, my mouth dropped open.  this is what it says:

[8 ] Now therefore hear this, you lover of pleasures,
who sit securely, who say in your heart,
“I am, and there is no one besides me;
I shall not sit as a widow or know the loss of children”:
(Isaiah 47:8 ESV)

I told Matt what I had just envisioned in my mind.  We were both totally blown away.  We talked for a while and believe it has a couple of meanings for us, but the one that came to us right away was simply the conviction that we find our "pleasures" and security in the wrong things sometimes.   Sometimes it's our finances, sometimes our physical security (home, job, things)  and sometimes it's our family (each other and our children).  God created us to be relational creatures with a need for other people, but He never intended that need to override our need for Him.  It's a hard thing to hear, as I sit here with a broken heart missing my baby girl, but it's true.  My soul can and will only find rest in God alone.  With her, without her, I need Him more than anything else.    He does not expect me to not weep, to not be devastated, to not be overcome by sadness.  He is a God Who is aware of our suffering.  But He continually calls me to a deeper relationship with Him through my pain... a stronger trust in Him...  Hope in Him and His promises.  As much as I hate what is happening.  I still believe in His truth, His love, His Word.  It never fails me.  He always brings me rest.


  1. Words escape me right now. I am awed by His goodness. Praying still for your comfort. Love....

  2. Praying for you as you go back home. I am always in awe of your faith and strength in the truly inspire me! We are thinking of you, loving you, and sending many prayers your way:)

  3. First of all...thanks for sharing something that is so personal and so beautiful! I love how God speaks directly to our hearts when we need to hear Him most! I think of you often and pray for an all surpassing peace as you navigate through this journey of pain.

  4. I wil be thinking of you as you go back home. Your relationship with God and your strength in Him is so inspiring to me. I have always had a relationship with God but since reading your story I have really been turning towards HIM more. My heart aches for you because as a mom myself I can only imagine how much pain you are in but I know God has a reason for everything and does not make any mistakes. He will be taking good care of your baby girl for you, always. Keep following God and believing in Him.

  5. Dear Stacey,

    I wish you a good healing and I think regularly of Matt, Rachel, you and the kids.

    A big hug from Berlin, Germany.
    Auntie Lolo

  6. Thank you for sharing your beautiful baby girl with us. Even more, thank you for sharing your Grace and Faith in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I have a little sister in heaven, she died at 6 weeks of a heart condition. I'm sure Rachel has met Tiffany and they are probably playing together right now. I'm so glad God has given my little sister a new friend. There is no need for words as the only word you/we need in our greatest of trials is God. We serve an awesome God and your precious daughter is such an example of Him and his Love for us, as his children. May you continue to find comfort in your Faith, your God, and your family. Rachel is not gone, she is simply waiting on you in Heaven. As you travel your journey through this life on Earth, how fortunate it is for you to be able to look to the stars, smile, and see your precious baby girl there. I find so much encouragement in your strength and further reassurance of God's Grace, which you have so amazingly demonstrated in your darkest of days. Thank you for sharing such a private journey. You have a beautiful family, and I'm sure Rachel is so proud to have been sent to this Earth to be a part of it. You are right, she will live forever! How lucky she is to be playing at Jesus' feet while we continue to wait for that awesome day here on Earth.

    With Love in Christ,
    Jamie Ashford
    Lawrenceville, Georgia

  7. Stacy, Congratulations on your beautiful little girl. She is absolutely stunning. I have followed your blog endlessly for about a month now. and your faith is just so incredible. it has inspired to be more like you. Rachel has truly showed what true love and faith can do. I know that you and your family will have some grieving moments but the Lord is always with and rachel. Rachel is truly blessed to have you and your husband for parents. I will keep you and my thoughts and prayers and i will be there for rachel's service. and i thank you so much for sharing Rachel's wonderful yet sad story.
    Rachel will never be forgotten.
    -ally Bartels-

  8. I have two babies in heaven, I have been blessed by your testimony and reminded to be so thankful for the children I have on earth but also long for the day I am with the two in heaven...I have always tried to remember that God knows the pain we have had, He lost His Son too.

  9. Hi Stacy, Thank you for sharing. Praise God for his amazing love and provision!
    Yesterday I shared your story with the kids on the track team during our devotional time and afterward found out that one of the girls never met 2 of her older brothers who had anencephaly. Her mom just emailed me to tell me that when this girl heard your story it opened the doors to learn about her brothers and her family's journey. One more family touched by Rachel's life.


  10. This entry is just beautiful; it brought tears to my eyes. God is so good in using His Word to encourage and guide us. I'm so thankful that you had and shared this "God sighting". Thank you.

  11. Thanks for sharing this. Thanks for sharing all of your posts. Your blog serves as an inspiration and motivator for Christians and I certainly can't see it providing anything but a strong and real witness of what living for Christ looks like through whatever roads we find ourselves on. Thank you.

    Your posts have moved me to tears, have made me smile and they've been used to challenge me onward in a closer walk with and worship of Christ.

    Through your pain, your joy and your posts Christ is reaching out to us reading. Thanks for letting Him and listening to His direction.

    I'd close by telling you that Jesus is with you. That He is loving you so much right now and at the same time He is enjoying Rachel in all her glory. I'd say that but you already know it. So I'll close with another thank you for sharing and ministering to others through this time. In Christ's love - mike

  12. What a beautiful post! I definitely think your words did it justice. Thank you for sharing this. Been thinking about you. *hugs*


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes