New Years Eve - Thankful for 2010

A few things about New Years Eve... 1.  It marks the anniversary (9 years ago!) of me & Matt's first date. :o)  2.  It marks the anniversary (3 years ago) of the day Alice died (Rachel's middle name is after her...a dear friend)  3. Today marks the 4 week anniversary of Rachel's birthday...

I can't believe 4 weeks have gone by already, and on the other hand I can't believe all the things I have had to do in the last 4 weeks....give birth, say goodbye to my girl, put on a funeral service, recover from major surgery, pull Christmas together for my other children, visit my baby at the cemetery, and even fend off some negativity from people who don't like how I have done all that. (it's unbelievable, but true)

What a month. 

Matt had the day off today and we went to see Rachel.  My mom had bought these pretty pink, heart shaped balloons that have Rachel's name and the year on them for her birthday party at the hospital - and they wouldn't let us use them...so we have them left over. Because of the snow, her name plate and things at her grave keep getting covered over, so I came up with the idea to use her name balloons to mark her spot throughout the winter. That way even if it snows, her name will still show.  I'm going to bring a new one each week so it stays in the air.  I can't wait to get her stone put in.  It's going to be beautiful...until then, I'll make the most of what I have.  I'm learning to be really good at that.

We went down today and when we got there, there was a note left for Rachel:

Elisha lives in PA and was visiting family in NH.  I am so thankful that she & her husband took the time to come visit and pray with my girl.  I was so blessed to see this... people remembering her... visiting her...  loving her...  it's awesome.

We wrote her name in the snow...

I also brought her some of the flowers Shannan sent us for Christmas. One for each week we've been without her.  I really impressed myself with this one... I used a funnel to hold the flowers up so they will live longer than laying them on the ground.  I filled the underneath with snow so they'll have something to drink :o)  Hopefully the wide bottom will keep them from falling over.  I patted down the snow around them too.

As I messed with the snow, I said "this is good snow for a snowman - we should make her one." and my amazing husband started rolling up snow bare handed.  He's such a good Daddy.  The kids got some sticks and made it's arms & nose... it was cute. 

                                             Almost as cute as our kids!  Not quite. :o) 

So, this morning at 10:27am, exactly 4 weeks to the minute since we welcomed our 4th child into this world, we were bringing balloons to her grave.  God has carried us in an amazing way.  While I was fixing the flowers up, I looked up at Matt in tears and cried "Does she know we're here...does she know we're doing this for her?"  He shrugged and said "I don't know"  We both just returned to what we were doing and we continued on...  what else can we do?  If she does know, I hope her heart is singing...if she doesn't know, well, at least mine is.

I went to my friend Heathers to get my hair cut tonight, picked up dinner on the way home and when I got here, Matt had the table set (including our wedding glasses) and a candle going... we ate together and hung out (Desirae is gone at her first New Years Party!  I can't believe how big she is!)  I'm now blogging and Matt is snuggled up on the couch next to me asleep.  Des is out with good friends we can trust and rely on and will be home after midnight, and although I thought I might need to be woken up when they got here, it's obvious my mother's heart will not rest until she's safe in her bed. :o)  Being a mom - the hardest job you'll ever love.

I love my life... the good and the bad.  It doesn't get much better than this.  For as hard as this year has been, I wouldn't change it for anything.  I am so thankful even for the trial.  It has made me a better person, brought Matt & I closer together and deepened our love, and made my children stronger.  Our family is better because of Rachel.  Who we were as individuals and together 10 months ago doesn't compare to what God has done in us through this. 

When we are weak, He is strong.  Oh, how weak we have been... and oh, how Strong he has shown himself.  Thank you Jesus for a journey of grief and joy in 2010.  Thank you for choosing me to carry Rachel.  Thank you for carrying me as I did.  I never thought I would truly be thankful for this road.  I remember writing in my first email announcing Rachel was sick "As much as we don't want to drink from this cup, we are surrendering to whatever God has for us in it"  Wow... the blessing of surrender.  Only a month out and I can truly say I am thankful... I might be saying it through tears, but I am.

May you have a blessed 2011, filled with the joy and peace that only the Lord can give.  We love you!