Tuesday, December 7, 2010

One Last Visit

The last few hours at the hospital last night were really hard.  I just kept falling apart without warning... and then as they wheeled me out to the car, I cried the whole way.  Leaving there without my baby was the worst thing I've ever endured.

We stopped at the funeral home on the way through Maine.  I was hoping to be able to get her dressed for her funeral, but wasn't sure if it had been too long (that maybe seeing her again would be a bad idea)  I wanted to be mindful of what my last vision of her would be. 

I am SO glad that we are using Autumn Green Funeral Home.  Tammy (the owner) has made this difficult time much easier to bear.  We got there and she said that she had gotten her dressed cause she didn't think it would be beneficial for me to do it since so much time had passed.  I was bummed, but was trusting her judgment.  She said that she had washed her clothes for me and sewed her hat a little smaller so it would stay on better.  We also were going there to do a couple more hand & foot moulds like ones we had done at the hospital, but wanted more - she had already done them for us as well.

When she said I couldn't dress her, I thought she meant I couldn't see her, but I asked and she said we could and that she was in on the couch.  This is where the difference of this funeral home really made the difference for my heart...

I walked into the other room.  It was a cozy little room, with candles in the windows.  Rachel was snuggled up on the couch.  She looked so pretty.  I immediately forgot that I had just had major surgery and I dropped to my knees to see her.  Matt & I were both in awe of how beautiful she is.  One of my regrets after she had left the hospital was that I hadn't kissed her as much as I wanted to... So I fixed that.  I kissed her as many times as I could fit in.  I kissed her cheeks, her nose, her forehead.  I kissed each finger and her little hands.  I kissed her feet and I kissed her knees.  All the places a Mama eventually kisses her children.  I spent an hour kneeled down next to her, memorizing her face and kissing her.  I told her over and over how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her.   I wrapped her up in the blanket Desirae made her and placed her in her casket and gave her the little lamb I bought her.   I told her "Jesus loves you, but you already know that, don't you..." and then I said, "we'll see you someday, pretty girl."

We talked with Tammy for a while in the kitchen and before we left I went in to use the toilet... and snuck back into her room to give her another kiss! :o)  It was so good for my heart to know that she is in a nice cozy house, that she's not beyond my reach, and that she is being so gently cared for. Oh, and that she had a Christmas tree!! :o)  Afterall, she was due on Christmas! Tammy told me that her staff had been holding her and rocking her earlier that day.  As a mom, there's nothing more I could ask for.  And my little girl deserves that kind of care.

She's wearing her "love to twirl" outfit. :o)  My little dancer

this is the room she's in... Her casket is on the couch, her vault on the floor

Her first Christmas tree...
I know God provided this funeral home for me.  You may remember back when I was trying to find a hospital in NH cause I didn't want to have to find a funeral home in Maine to pick her up (they can't cross state lines)  Well, Tammy is licensed in NH and ME and her funeral home is the best place I could have hoped for.  God has really protected my heart in so many ways through this journey.  This was a huge one for me.

When we left the hospital, I had questioned if I should even be stopping in there since I was already so emotional.  When we left Autumn Green, not only was I no longer emotional, but I was at peace.  I thanked God the whole way home for the amazing place He provided for Rachel.  I came home and was able to rest well last night, knowing that Rachel was in the best place possible.  Both her body...and her soul.  Thank You, Jesus.


  1. I am so happy that Autumn Green has been such a blessing:) As you know, they were a blessing to our family also, and to know that Tammy goes way above and beyond to truly think about people's hearts is a gift from God.

  2. Psalm 25:1 To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust.....

    Rejoicing with you and praying for His presence to be so real to you and your little ones.....Oh, He is such a good Daddy!

    Tonya DeLisi


  3. Oh Stacy I'm so glad you got to see & kiss your baby girl again. I'm so happy that they took such good care of her & rocked her & held her. Tammy sounds like she really does know a mother's heart! I love you.

  4. Stacy,
    My heart is so heavy for you. It's such a hard thing to do, saying see you soon to our little ones. I always think of Ella playing in heaven in beautiful fields with the wind blowing her hair and picking flowers. I will forever think of Rachel the same way now.
    Autumn Green Funeral Home is only a few minutes from me, I'm so thankful they are taking such good care of Rachel. Thinking and praying for you, your heart and your family.

  5. Dear Stacy,
    I'm crying so much I can't even find my words.
    I begged God so much for a miracle. I thought you deserved more time. I thought God hadn't been fair. Why some precious children survive longer and some not? How is this fair?
    But I understand it isn't my place to judge God. He knows what He's doing and I don't like it, but I'm trying to accept it.
    You are Rachel's mommy and it seems you're accepting it better than me, who hasn't even met Rachel.
    One day perhaps I will understand it better.
    I really wanted her to stay longer. I know, I know God doesn't say "yes" to all her wishes.

    I'm glad to hear your heart is at peace. I'm glad you're blessed with other 3 healthy children who are home with you.

    God bless you, dear.

  6. Dear Stacy!
    You and your family are with me all the time... Thank you again and again so much for sharing! It means a lot to me.
    Rachel is so sweet and I am very happy you found such a good place and such loveley people to take care of her precious little body.
    A careful hug from Germany,

  7. Praise the Lord for all of His many provisions! :) I am soo glad for all your answered prayers. What a sweet balm to the soul. It is such a sweet reminder too of His amazing grace on us all. Thank you soooo much for sharing this difficult but blessed journey with all of us. I agree with people from earlier posts that you should "write" a book.(My husband thinks you should title it 43 Minutes) Even if all that means is putting this blog into book form and getting it published. It would continue to reach so many people with God's love in your lives. God has used you in so many lives and will continue to, I just know it.

    May you continue to have peace and comfort in the coming days. Praying for you. Lots of love....

  8. I do not know you, but saw this on facebook under a friends post. This is a truly inspirational story. I'm not sure if anyone has told you this or you have read books by the Christian auther Karen Kingsbury, but one of her books in a series is about a woman who has a baby with anencephaly. The book would be very inspirational to you, I am sure. They also had their baby and made a legacy for her in the book. The title of the book is Summer. It is the second in the series, but it's not necessary to read the first one. I hope that if you have not read this, you get the chance to do so. An amazing author and so close to your heart.

  9. I agree Stacy I believe Rachel's Story is meant to touch the lives of people everywhere and you have an excellent way with words glad you liked the poem I sent I am always praying for you Matt and your children may God give you all the peace and comfort you so desperately need right now .
    With Love,

  10. Stacy,
    I am so glad that you got to see your little baby again, and that it brought more peace to your heart, rather than pain. I am so glad that she got a Christmas tree, and such a cozy place to rest!

  11. What an amazing blessing in the midst of such heartache! Thank you for sharing Rachel's beauty with all of us through your pictures. Love you.

  12. I wanted to write and tell you that I've been following your blog. You and your family are amazing. You've been in my thoughts daily and I will continue to pray for you. Rachel is so beautiful...what a precious baby girl you have!

  13. Oh Stacy, my heart aches for you! I can't imagine not being able to kiss my little girl again. She means so much to me... I am so thankful that you can turn to God for strength during this time. Tammy sounds like an amazing and caring person, and I'm so glad you found her. Rachel's Christmas tree is beautiful! I'm sure she loves it! I think of you and your family so often, and it comforts me to "hear" you say that you've found some peace...

  14. I am so so glad Stacy that you were able to see Rachel again. I am very happy you were able to give her all your kisses. God knew your heart needed that one last time with Rachel. She is so adorable and precious. I am so glad that Autumn Green turned out to be the best place for your baby. It is such a sweet feeling knowing that the staff there had put Rachel in a nice place.
    The fact that the staff has been holding her and rocking her is so caring. Just what a mama needs to know is that her baby is being well taken care of. I am so very sorry I can not make it to the funeral but you , Matt and the kids are ALWAYS in my prayers. My church is also praying for you. May God give you the strength you need to get through tomorrow and all the days to come.

  15. It sounds like a truly wonderful & caring place. I'm so glad you found a funeral home with such compassion. It makes your heart feel good to know your baby is getting such wonderful care and love.

  16. I'm so glad you found such a special place for your beautiful girl. They sound like an amazing group of people. And so glad you had that time to kiss and love on her!
    Thanks again for sharing and for your awesome testimony! Probably won't meet you on this side of heaven but can't wait to meet you and Rachel on that side.
    Praying for you all! Love in Him.

    PS. I too think you should put this all in a book.

  17. Very touching, I am so glad that God brought you to such a wonderful and compassionate place. I am also happy you were able to give Rachel more kisses. :*)


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes