But with so much love and pain so deep
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My Inward Battle
I spent months trying to write a poem for Rachel... Nothing was coming to me. I can usually write one out in one sitting, but I just had writers block, bad. Being the determined person I am, I decided about a week before her birthday that I *was* going to write one if it killed me.
The problem is that because my mind and heart were so torn, especially as her day approached, it was difficult to say anything that would articulate my overwhelming joy for my daughter and my deep sorrow for the fact that I was about to lose her, all in one. Unfortunately, I don't think I did that. But what I did get was a poem that shows my inward battle - truths vs feelings... the stuff that people tend to judge others on...
You know, like what kind of Christian woman doesn't believe God's Word in her heart? What kind of Christian woman puts up an argument against "logical, biblical truths" and questions God's plan? What kind of Christian woman has a heart "selfish" enough to say "what about me"?
I know what kind of Christian woman does these things... One who loves Jesus with everything she is, lays all her sorrows at His feet where so many times before she has found great comfort and solace, It's a woman who believes God's plan is better than anything she could make up on her own. This woman has been rescued from the gated of hell... on earth and in eternity, by faith in Christ alone. She knows He's capable of anything, She loves Him more than could be said in words.
Can't be the same person, you say? Doesn't seem to make sense?
This woman is me... and I'm a mother.
A mother saying goodbye to her daughter. A mother who tends to get a lot of "advice" from people who don't really get it, telling me all the truths that should somehow encourage me. I do believe, wholeheartedly that they will...in time. I believe that one day I will look back at this poem and will feel differently. But I don't think it's going to get there from other people force feeding me "truth" in bad timing - or by me acting as if I don't have these feelings to begin with. I try to always be real with people and to allow myself to be vulnerable in conversations. I try to say how I'm really doing when someone asks... beginning to think that's a mistake. I feel so fragile. I'm hurting, my baby is gone and I'm still trying to be her mom and figure out what that means. I need to protect her and to stand up for her. I am following my calling as Rachel's Mama through. She is part of our family now... And I'm not going to do this perfectly. I'm trying. The one thing I know for sure is that in those moments when I "selfishly" ask God "what about my heart?" He loves me anyway. He knew I was feeling it anyway. and He will walk through this with me, being the one set of footprints, until I'm strong enough to walk again. He accepts me where I'm at and loves me too much to leave me here... but he tends to be much more gentle than when people try to "fix" me - and His timing always perfect. I'm claiming that for myself tonight. He is gentle and He will lead me in perfect timing. Might not be what everyone else thinks I should be doing, but I'm ok with that as long as God is.
So, without further adieu:
The Mind and Heart of a Mother
Searching down deep to try to explain
How I feel in my heart, to put words to the pain
My mind seems to know what it wants me to write,
But with each logical thought, my heart puts up a fight
My mind says “this is how God meant it to be”
My heart cries back “but what about me?”
My mind says “don’t worry, it will all be fine,
Just trust in the Lord and give it some time”
But with so much love and pain so deep
With empty arms, no baby to keep
You cannot reason with a mother’s heart
When she and her baby are torn apart
Answers of truth may help my mind,
But for my heart, there are no words you could find
Just 12 short inches from one to the other
But there are miles between
the mind and heart of a mother
by Stacy Aube
(If you use this poem, please don't change the contents and please credit my name...thank you!)