Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Inward Battle

I spent months trying to write a poem for Rachel... Nothing was coming to me.  I can usually write one out in one sitting, but I just had writers block, bad.  Being the determined person I am, I decided about a week before her birthday that I *was* going to write one if it killed me. 

The problem is that because my mind and heart were so torn, especially as her day approached, it was difficult to say anything that would articulate my overwhelming joy for my daughter and my deep sorrow for the fact that I was about to lose her, all in one.  Unfortunately, I don't think I did that.  But what I did get was a poem that shows my inward battle - truths vs feelings... the stuff that people tend to judge others on... 

You know, like what kind of Christian woman doesn't believe God's Word in her heart?  What kind of Christian woman puts up an argument against "logical, biblical truths" and questions God's plan?  What kind of Christian woman has a heart "selfish" enough to say "what about me"?

I know what kind of Christian woman does these things... One who loves Jesus with everything she is, lays all her sorrows at His feet where so many times before she has found great comfort and solace, It's a woman who believes God's plan is better than anything she could make up on her own.  This woman has been rescued from the gated of hell... on earth and in eternity, by faith in Christ alone.  She knows He's capable of anything, She loves Him more than could be said in words.

Can't be the same person, you say?  Doesn't seem to make sense?

This woman is me... and I'm a mother. 

A mother saying goodbye to her daughter.  A mother who tends to get a lot of "advice" from people who don't really get it, telling me all the truths that should somehow encourage me.  I do believe, wholeheartedly that they will...in time.  I believe that one day I will look back at this poem and will feel differently.  But I don't think it's going to get there from other people force feeding me "truth" in bad timing - or by me acting as if I don't have these feelings to begin with.  I try to always be real with people and to allow myself to be vulnerable in conversations.  I try to say how I'm really doing when someone asks... beginning to think that's a mistake.  I feel so fragile.  I'm hurting, my baby is gone and I'm still trying to be her mom and figure out what that means.  I need to protect her and to stand up for her.  I am following my calling as Rachel's Mama through.  She is part of our family now... And I'm not going to do this perfectly.  I'm trying.  The one thing I know for sure is that in those moments when I "selfishly" ask God "what about my heart?"  He loves me anyway.  He knew I was feeling it anyway.  and He will walk through this with me, being the one set of footprints, until I'm strong enough to walk again.  He accepts me where I'm at and loves me too much to leave me here... but he tends to be much more gentle than when people try to "fix" me - and His timing always perfect.  I'm claiming that for myself tonight.  He is gentle and He will lead me in perfect timing.  Might not be what everyone else thinks I should be doing, but I'm ok with that as long as God is.

So, without further adieu:

The Mind and Heart of a Mother

Searching down deep to try to explain
How I feel in my heart, to put words to the pain
My mind seems to know what it wants me to write,
But with each logical thought, my heart puts up a fight

My mind says “this is how God meant it to be”
My heart cries back “but what about me?”
My mind says “don’t worry, it will all be fine,
Just trust in the Lord and give it some time”

But with so much love and pain so deep
With empty arms, no baby to keep
You cannot reason with a mother’s heart
When she and her baby are torn apart

Answers of truth may help my mind,
But for my heart, there are no words you could find
Just 12 short inches from one to the other
But there are miles between
the mind and heart of a mother

by Stacy Aube
(If you use this poem, please don't change the contents and please credit my name...thank you!)


  1. Absolutely beautiful:) You have a gift with words, this poem is a reflection of your heart. Thinking of you!!

  2. Thank you very much for sharing this with us.

  3. Stacy, I've commented on your blog once before and have wanted to comment again so many times. But this early morning post of yours truly made me want to write to you. I am a member of The Journey Church in Rochester but have good friends at Grace (I've seen some familiar faces in your pictures!) I praise God that you have your church to hold you up.

    Your story is at once amazing and heartbreaking. I have 2 girls (19 and 3...yep, you read that right!) I can't imagine how I would ever deal with what you've been through. The one thing that scares me about God is His power to plan. How glorious that is but what could that mean to us puny humans??? I've asked myself what if His plans include using my children in ways I'm not prepared for? What about me God, if you take my children, what's next for me??? Stacy, your poem hits all mothers, but you've written out the reality of your experience with profound loss. I continue to think of you and pray for your heart.

    In God I am purely confident of many things: one of them is that He knows your pain. He knows your loneliness, your heartache. And He does NOT expect you to fully understand His ways. He is expecting you to remain in Him as long as it takes to feel healing, as long as it takes to mend your broken heart, as long as it takes to rejoice fully in your dear Rachel's eternal life with Jesus.

    In your post you've asked many times, "What kind of Christian woman..." -- every kind. All of us question God. All of us doubt and get angry and feel self-pity. For all kinds of reasons. Some not nearly as saddening as yours. You are deeply loved by God and there is nothing wrong with your anger and questions and heartbreak. Our God is huge and amazing -- it's hard to realize that He can handle any emotion we have. He wants to. He wants us to bring everything to His feet and lay it down. He knows you Stacy because you are part of His family, His chosen people. He deeply loves you and wants to comfort you -- in whatever form you need.

    Stacy, I don't know you but I wish I did. You have the heart of a woman who I would love to be friends with. Actually, I think I am much older than you, so really just want to mother you myself and give you great big hugs!!! :):):) It is obvious that you are a talented, loving mother and I continue to pray for you and your family's healing.


  4. Stacy, this poem is perfect. No one knows how they will feel or what they will do until they walk in your shoes. You made sure that Rachel had the best time on earth that was possible. You gave her everything a mother could give her. God bless you.

  5. I so wish I could make things different for you. As your mother I so wish to go back in time to where a bandaid and a little neosporin could instantly make any wound feel better and completely heal in a couple days. There is no bandaid for a broken heart. From one mother to another, I so wish..........

  6. I just checked into your blog and cried again. My sister, who doesn't know Christ, shared your story with me last week. I wanted to let you know how much you touched first my sister and then myself. I have tried to write a post several times now and can't seem to find the right words at all. You have provided a real life example of living out faith in Jesus. I also had a child born with a congenital defect. He was my third. I have never felt quite so empty as when leaving the hospital after his birth without him. Eventually we brought him home, but his birth began my husband and I's journey to know Christ. I just wanted you to know you have been in my thoughts and prayers since I read your blog last week, thank you for having the courage to share.


  7. Wish I could give you a hug. God understands your hurt. After all He made you so He doesn't mind your questioning or wanting things to be different. God wants us to come to Him with everything- our tears, laughter, sorrow and joy. Rachel is made in His image. She is just perfect.

  8. What a beautiful poem!

    My in-laws just "celebrated" nine years since my youngest brother-in-law, Jason, entered eternity. He passed away after 4 years of being on a ventilator and feeding tubes, he was 5. I've never suffered the loss of a child, but being a new mom I understand a little bit better how much of a loss it really must be! There's no love like the love a mother has for her child.

    I wanted you to know that every time I read this blog I pray that God would strengthen you and uphold you in this time of grief and sorrow. I offer up a virtual shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. Thank you for sharing your life and Rachel's legacy with us all.

    Love and Prayers,
    Angelica C.

  9. That poem is beautiful, straight from your heart. I love it. Praying for you all each and everyday.

  10. Beautiful poem...you have amazing heart. Praying for you as Christmas comes...may hope and peace fill each breath you take.
    Sending love,

  11. Beautiful, beautiful poem. I've wanted to write a poem for Carleigh for a long time now but I haven't been able to do it-haven't been able to come up with the words that I think are right.

  12. Stacy- what a beautiful poem! I agree with Harlee- you have such a way with words.

    Are you allowed to ask all those questions?- yes! I guess I think of it in this way- we ask all sorts of questions so that we can learn. As a toddler, we ask “Why?” for everything to get answers to learn about our world. As older, yet still young children, we may ask “Why is the sky blue?” Throughout our life we ask questions so that we can have a deeper understanding of life itself. While it may feel uncomfortable, or even selfish as you wrote in the blog, however, it is asking those questions and perhaps getting those answers (and the answers may not come now) that will give you a more clear understanding and perhaps even a stronger relationship with the Lord than you before.

  13. Dear Stacy,
    I found your blog two days ago and I'm deeply moved. You are a incredible strong woman and I can feel that God is with you and your family.

    As to your post I just wanted to say that I love your poem! Concerning your questions about your way to feel and the judgements of others in this post, I had to think of Job and his "friends". God knows you - heart and mind! Do not care about human's judgements...
    God bless you and your family,
    Anja from Switzerland


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes