Where's The Remote?

I was just looking through my old emails trying to find a poem I had written while I was pregnant, that I was considering sharing with all of you...  I came across an email I had sent out to the girls at church, in which I had attached that pregnancy announcement that I showed you a couple of days ago. (in one of my posts) I was trying to hold off telling people since it was early in my pregnancy with Rachel, (didn't know she was a girl yet) but I had gone to a woman's retreat with my church - where I was one of the speakers - and was really sick.  Ironically, the theme for the weekend was "Hope" and I was giving my testimony of how God brought me out of my alcoholism and drug addiction.  (I thought I had enough of a testimony before this...wow. Did God really think I needed to add to it?? )  Anyway,  Here's the email I sent in May 2010:

Hi girls,
Thought you might enjoy this....it was my original plan for telling everyone (the announcement card with poem)- but I was so sick at the retreat, I couldn't hide it!! Seems like God's always reminding me that my plans are not His plans. My family will get the "hard copies" but my Mom has already told them too - When I saw my Uncle Dale on the way to the retreat he said "So, you're pregnant again, huh?" So, I apparently didn't need to do these, although they were fun! Sorry it didn't scan better....not sure why, but too tired to try to figure it out. I think God's working on my perfectionism problem as well - and it is a problem.

TTFN!

Love,
Stacy

God's plans are not my plans...   deep breath. 

It's hard to look back to when I had only excitement over my pregnancy and not wish that I could go back there.  Back to the simpler days... the days when my heart didn't hurt so much.  My problems weren't real problems...  my struggles not like anything I know now.  She already had anencephaly, but ignorance was bliss.  My dance of grief and joy had not yet begun although the music was already playing...  I just didn't know it.

My sweet precious Rachel.  I am so sorry it couldn't be different...  sorry for me, not you.

On another note, my Uncle Dale was still here, out at the stores.  It was 3 months before he died and you wouldn't have known it looking at him.  You couldn't tell he was dying of cancer.  He had all his hair and was not skinny!  But he was dying slowly.  Looking at me, you'd never had known that I'd be burying a baby 5 months later... she was growing and kicking, but dying slowly.

Matt & I went to see Dale a few days before he died... he was now in a hospital bed in my grandparents living room.  I now knew about Rachel.  He was on a lot of medicine for his extreme amount of pain.  All of a sudden, he came to and when he saw me there, he said to me "you're beautiful Stace, I don't know how you did it, but I'm glad you did.  We're both going through hard times right now, but we'll be OK"

I'm not quite sure what he meant.  I guess in my heart I felt like he was saying he was glad I was carrying Rachel. 

Hind sight is not always 20/20 - sometimes there's still plenty of blurriness.  There are just some things I will never understand - and sometimes looking back only accentuates that.  I try to keep moving forward in trust... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I wish life had a rewind button.  I can think of some moments that I would rewind to and pause... forever.