Saturday, December 18, 2010

Where's The Remote?

I was just looking through my old emails trying to find a poem I had written while I was pregnant, that I was considering sharing with all of you...  I came across an email I had sent out to the girls at church, in which I had attached that pregnancy announcement that I showed you a couple of days ago. (in one of my posts) I was trying to hold off telling people since it was early in my pregnancy with Rachel, (didn't know she was a girl yet) but I had gone to a woman's retreat with my church - where I was one of the speakers - and was really sick.  Ironically, the theme for the weekend was "Hope" and I was giving my testimony of how God brought me out of my alcoholism and drug addiction.  (I thought I had enough of a testimony before Did God really think I needed to add to it?? )  Anyway,  Here's the email I sent in May 2010:

Hi girls,
Thought you might enjoy was my original plan for telling everyone (the announcement card with poem)- but I was so sick at the retreat, I couldn't hide it!! Seems like God's always reminding me that my plans are not His plans. My family will get the "hard copies" but my Mom has already told them too - When I saw my Uncle Dale on the way to the retreat he said "So, you're pregnant again, huh?" So, I apparently didn't need to do these, although they were fun! Sorry it didn't scan better....not sure why, but too tired to try to figure it out. I think God's working on my perfectionism problem as well - and it is a problem.
God's plans are not my plans...   deep breath. 

It's hard to look back to when I had only excitement over my pregnancy and not wish that I could go back there.  Back to the simpler days... the days when my heart didn't hurt so much.  My problems weren't real problems...  my struggles not like anything I know now.  She already had anencephaly, but ignorance was bliss.  My dance of grief and joy had not yet begun although the music was already playing...  I just didn't know it.

My sweet precious Rachel.  I am so sorry it couldn't be different...  sorry for me, not you.

On another note, my Uncle Dale was still here, out at the stores.  It was 3 months before he died and you wouldn't have known it looking at him.  You couldn't tell he was dying of cancer.  He had all his hair and was not skinny!  But he was dying slowly.  Looking at me, you'd never had known that I'd be burying a baby 5 months later... she was growing and kicking, but dying slowly.

Matt & I went to see Dale a few days before he died... he was now in a hospital bed in my grandparents living room.  I now knew about Rachel.  He was on a lot of medicine for his extreme amount of pain.  All of a sudden, he came to and when he saw me there, he said to me "you're beautiful Stace, I don't know how you did it, but I'm glad you did.  We're both going through hard times right now, but we'll be OK"

I'm not quite sure what he meant.  I guess in my heart I felt like he was saying he was glad I was carrying Rachel. 

Hind sight is not always 20/20 - sometimes there's still plenty of blurriness.  There are just some things I will never understand - and sometimes looking back only accentuates that.  I try to keep moving forward in trust... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I wish life had a rewind button.  I can think of some moments that I would rewind to and pause... forever.


  1. Dear Stacy we just got word that my granddaughter the twin that survived is now also sick she is only 3 1/2 lbs but all I can do is pray that in Gods wisdom he allows her to stay here with us He already has her sister so it just doesnt seem fair that we might loose her too I wish I could be as strong in my faith as you are you are an example for us all I pray that He again shows you the hope that seems so far away right now. The road we travel is long and hard but these babies we have lost are in Gods arms and living a life full of warmth peace and happiness and even in my weakest moments of peace this knowing this gives me solace because I know they are happy and whole dancing in the rain and kissing the tips of our noses to let us know they are ok and they are still with us . I hope you are doing okay sometimes it seems to get harder instead of easier I know, but I believe that we go through all of these struggles for a reason and only He knows Why. God be with you and your family you are always in my prayers

  2. Watching the video of Rachel made me cry- because being a babylost mama as well I know how it is - but on the other hand, I had to cry because it is so beautiful. The video is full of joy and peace.

    Just wanted to tell you. Love & peace, Claudia

  3. Dear Stacy, I only know you through your blog. My husband works with the Ian from you church. I just wanted to let you know that I have been praying for you, for your family, and of course for Rachel. You are an amazing family and God is certainly with you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for sharing Rachel's life with all of us. God Bless you and may you have many blessings for all the years to come.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes