Footprints in the Snow

I have noticed that every time in the last few weeks that I have had a huge smile on my face, it is because these three beautiful blessings are bringing me joy. I am reminded of a quote from Kahlil Gibran:

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

I know how much joy she would have brought me... I know it because, even in 9 months and 43 minutes, the blessing of just knowing her melted my heart. I would love to watch her do the things that I get to see my other three do... I mean, seriously, look at them! They are awesome. Watch Sam - I almost think this could be America's Funniest Video material... I stopped it about 2 seconds too soon cause he climbed up on me and said "Cheese!"

I would give anything to watch her play with them...

Today I had to bring Isaiah for his 4 year check up. (shots!) He was brave and definitely deserved an ice cream when we were done! I got him & Des ice cream, Sam some nuggets (he's allergic to milk - poor boy) and me a coffee and we went to visit Rachel. Her grave was covered again with snow, so I got out my shovel... who would have ever thought that would become a permanent thing in my van?... and I started clearing off her tree and angel. The cemetery looked so pretty all fresh with snow. I felt like a good Mama, shoveling off her things as I told her over and over how much I love her... and then reality hit me... my baby is gone - and I started crying. Her spot is down in the back of the cemetery and I was pretty sure nobody could hear me, but I was also pretty sure I didn't care. I released my "proud Mama" stance and my shoulders dropped, my head hung down and the tears started flowing as I wept for my girl.

Isaiah, being his sweet self, got out of the van and asked why I was crying. I told him I miss Rachel and he asked if he could help me. I handed him the shovel and he started digging away the snow. We cleared her spot and got back in the van. He said "Rachel's so cute, it's too bad she can't ride in the van with us". I looked back as we were leaving and I could see my little boy's footprints in the snow, coming away from his little sister's grave. All I could think was it's just not fair...