Rachel Has a Number!

What a roller coaster...  today we got Rachel's Social Security Card!  I've never been so blessed to get a SS card in the mail!  When we were at the hospital, the funeral home was there waiting patiently as we said goodbye to Rachel and a person from Medical Records came in to have me sign some papers.  As this woman explained everything to me, she said "you'll get her social security number in the mail".  I wasn't expecting Rachel to get one...  and I remember yelling out, through tears of happiness, "She's getting a number?!" and everyone in the room cheered.  It was such a happy moment for me...  my girl has a number.  Seems a foolish thing to be thankful for, but to me it meant she was being acknowledged as important. 

Someone emailed me and said "I'm sorry Christmas won't go away" - I think in my previous post, I gave you all the wrong impression.  It's not that I don't want Christmas...  I just don't want Christmas without Rachel.  There's nothing I can do about that... it's going to happen and my heart aches.  The post I put on about not wanting Christmas cards was a generalized statement because family members had sent Christmas & new years cards 2 days after Rachel's funeral.  If these "family" members had shown any concern for me (as Rachel's mother) or Rachel during my pregnancy or now, my feelings on their Christmas greetings would have been different - but they hadn't and still aren't.  I am having a hard time wanting to share Christmas with anyone who doesn't still acknowledge that Rachel is our daughter, that I am her mother, and that she still matters...  She is, I am, and she does.  I mean, she was born less than 3 weeks ago. This year has been long, hard and totally beautiful all at the same time.  I know some people look at it like Rachel was just the baby who was going to die, and now she's fulfilled her destiny, so let's move on to the next thing... but it's not happening.  Our trial is just beginning and it hurts.  There is no escaping that.  Christmas time or not.


Yesterday, because I had said that I wasn't ready to do any visiting, someone in Matt's family told me that this isn't about me...  yeah, I know, it's about Jesus.  And He's ok with me grieving - even if it means I don't do things perfectly or how other people think I "should".  Even if other people view that as selfish.  He knows my heart.  He knows all the details...

We have people sending us gifts and encouragement every day (literally) that are not even related to us that show how much they still have us & Rachel on their hearts.  Gifts that are for or include Rachel.  Thank you to all of you.  This has been so great for my heart right now. We are so grateful to have a family in Christ.  You have loved us unconditionally and without any expectations and we are so blessed to have you.  Words cannot express our gratitude. 

After the hardest week of my life...  dealing with unnecessary pressure and judgement from people who claim to care... trying to figure out what my "new normal" is... trying to figure out how to live my life without my newest baby... trying to just get through the grief of it all and hoping my heart will keep beating...

My girl has a number!  What a perfect Christmas gift for a mother with empty arms...  God's timing is always perfect.  He gave me just what I needed today.  In the midst of a time when I feel so protective over my daughter and her not being over looked...  I received the card that proves she was here, proves that she was alive... validates her place in this world.

I know that technically, I didn't need any of this to "prove" any of these things... but I have to admit, it sure felt good to see.  That was the best Christmas gift I have ever received.