Thursday, December 23, 2010

Rachel Has a Number!

What a roller coaster...  today we got Rachel's Social Security Card!  I've never been so blessed to get a SS card in the mail!  When we were at the hospital, the funeral home was there waiting patiently as we said goodbye to Rachel and a person from Medical Records came in to have me sign some papers.  As this woman explained everything to me, she said "you'll get her social security number in the mail".  I wasn't expecting Rachel to get one...  and I remember yelling out, through tears of happiness, "She's getting a number?!" and everyone in the room cheered.  It was such a happy moment for me...  my girl has a number.  Seems a foolish thing to be thankful for, but to me it meant she was being acknowledged as important. 

Someone emailed me and said "I'm sorry Christmas won't go away" - I think in my previous post, I gave you all the wrong impression.  It's not that I don't want Christmas...  I just don't want Christmas without Rachel.  There's nothing I can do about that... it's going to happen and my heart aches.  The post I put on about not wanting Christmas cards was a generalized statement because family members had sent Christmas & new years cards 2 days after Rachel's funeral.  If these "family" members had shown any concern for me (as Rachel's mother) or Rachel during my pregnancy or now, my feelings on their Christmas greetings would have been different - but they hadn't and still aren't.  I am having a hard time wanting to share Christmas with anyone who doesn't still acknowledge that Rachel is our daughter, that I am her mother, and that she still matters...  She is, I am, and she does.  I mean, she was born less than 3 weeks ago. This year has been long, hard and totally beautiful all at the same time.  I know some people look at it like Rachel was just the baby who was going to die, and now she's fulfilled her destiny, so let's move on to the next thing... but it's not happening.  Our trial is just beginning and it hurts.  There is no escaping that.  Christmas time or not.


Yesterday, because I had said that I wasn't ready to do any visiting, someone in Matt's family told me that this isn't about me...  yeah, I know, it's about Jesus.  And He's ok with me grieving - even if it means I don't do things perfectly or how other people think I "should".  Even if other people view that as selfish.  He knows my heart.  He knows all the details...

We have people sending us gifts and encouragement every day (literally) that are not even related to us that show how much they still have us & Rachel on their hearts.  Gifts that are for or include Rachel.  Thank you to all of you.  This has been so great for my heart right now. We are so grateful to have a family in Christ.  You have loved us unconditionally and without any expectations and we are so blessed to have you.  Words cannot express our gratitude. 

After the hardest week of my life...  dealing with unnecessary pressure and judgement from people who claim to care... trying to figure out what my "new normal" is... trying to figure out how to live my life without my newest baby... trying to just get through the grief of it all and hoping my heart will keep beating...

My girl has a number!  What a perfect Christmas gift for a mother with empty arms...  God's timing is always perfect.  He gave me just what I needed today.  In the midst of a time when I feel so protective over my daughter and her not being over looked...  I received the card that proves she was here, proves that she was alive... validates her place in this world.

I know that technically, I didn't need any of this to "prove" any of these things... but I have to admit, it sure felt good to see.  That was the best Christmas gift I have ever received.

8 comments:

  1. Sending you a smile =)
    When your ready, I'd love to see you =)
    Let me know =)

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  2. Praising God for the small things. Sometimes it is the small things that are such important things to us. Sorry that family doesn't get it. Unless you have lost a child, I don't think people understand or know what to do so they ignore it which only causes more pain and hurt. I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas.

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  3. I am so grateful for God's timing in all of this for you. I am glad that her card showed up when you needed it the most. Don't worry about the people who are saying hurtful things. They obviously don't understand your pain. You are right in believing that God understands and is patiently carrying you through this grieving process. Do it in your way and in your's and His timing. He is and will continue to be glorified through the process. The fact that people want what they want instead of what you need at this point just shows that they are selfish. If they truly loved you the way God has called us all to love each other, they would be patient for you to be ready as well. I will continue praying for healing both physically & emotionally. May He continue to shower daily blessings on you to encourage you.
    All our love and prayers....

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  4. Dear Stacy: I have been following your blog but wasn't sure if I "should" post since I do not really know you in person. But I feel it is the right thing to do. As my heart breaks for you as a mother, I am in awe of your strength to go on. Merry Christmas to you and your family, and Rachel while she dances and twirls.
    From a friend in spirit-
    Cheryl Rosan Schlunt

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  5. I am so glad you had a an exciting moment today. I laminated the last note my mother wrote to me. It says "Rae, watch out for black ice". I cherish it. It is a tangible link to her. I also kept the notes I wrote in the days after her death when I didn't think I would survive the pain. Those I know are there, but I never look at. Never throw them out either. Not sure why??
    Tomorrow is three weeks already since little Rachel graced us with her presence. Doesn't seem possible...........
    Sleep well tonight. Please take care of yourself.
    Love, Mom

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  6. WOW:) Ella didn't get one. They must have changed things :) I'm so glad God brought something again today to comfort you:) HE DOES know you and your heart friend, and God and Matt are all you need answer to. I am adding to my prayers this weekend that there are extra special glimpses for you to get you through.

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  7. Stacey, Matt, and family,
    I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Though I know it is overshadowed with grief. I am praying that you will feel truly blessed because of Christ tonight and tomorrow especially. I know how difficult it will be tomorrow. But, I am praying that you will be able to enjoy your other 3 precious blessings as their eyes light up in the morning! Praying for you and Merry Christmas!
    Carrie

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes