Merry Christmas Pretty Girl

This morning went really well with the kids.  Desirae is so sweet, she left me a note in my stocking with one of Rachel's blankets that said "I left Rachel's blanket in your stocking so you might feel a little better" - she's more thoughtful than some adults in our lives... I don't know what I would do without my children to keep me smiling.  They bring me so much joy.

Today was Rachel's due date.  Christmas will always remind me of her. She definitely was part of our day - she will be part of every day of my life for the rest of my life.  The day went better than could be expected, on the outside.  On the inside, it was tough for both me & Matt.  Our good friend, Donna showed up this morning with a basket of gifts for me and told me she was at Rachel's grave at midnight to visit when it turned Christmas.  It meant so much to know Rachel is loved and to know that people are visiting her - and that she was remembering the days that are important to us and why.  I asked if her tree was still lit up and she said it was... that made me happy.

I was so thankful that I saved some of the gifts we received in the mail for this morning.  We got a couple ornaments that I love...This one was special because it includes "baby Aube" and Rachel.  It's hard to believe that we have 5 children!  And always nice when somebody acknowledges that.  In a world where babies are all too often dismissed as "just a clump of cells", it can be awkward to celebrate a baby we never met, but it was no less our baby.  (I think we need to give that baby a name!) This ornament definitely made me smile.  I am so sad to say, that I have no idea who it's from...it got separated from the card and I thought I would remember and I don't!  My mind is not what it used to be right now.  It's frustrating. Can you let me know if you gave this to us? 

This one, well, I cried a lot... It's from our friend from Try-City Christian Academy, Mrs. Guptill...  They own Hampshire Pewter and sent us this beautiful ornament that is so meaningful - for more reasons than she (or anyone else) really understand.  I know that God was speaking to me through her in this ornament, reassuring me of the truth of Rachel's life.  If you have a chance, read my old post "Breathless" and that will probably sum it up.  I still don't dare to re-read that post.  I'm afraid I might start crying and never stop.  Some things I'm still avioding since falling apart at the seams would make it difficult to live.  I hope some day I don't feel so raw, but for now, it's just the way it is.  Anyway, Rachel definitely took our breath away...she was amazing.  She is amazing. It says "Rachel Alice, 43 Beautiful and Unforgetable Minutes (that's what I put on the programs at her service) You took our breath away - 12/3/10"  Yep, I cried.  Thank you Kathy.  We love you.

We went to the cemetery to visit Rachel and see her tree lit up at night.  It's hard to get a good picture of a tree with lights - I don't feel like this picture does it justice, but here's my best try - it was very dark by the time we got there.  As we drove off, I could see her little tree from a distance.  It felt so wrong leaving her there on Christmas...the day she was due... my heart broke again.  This is so hard.  I like to think it will get better with time.  I don't think it will ever get easy, just different.  As time goes on, I won't "move on", I'll just figure out how to be Rachel's mom in a different way.  I'd like to know why God would make me endure this... but I trust Him so I'm not going to ask.  Plus, then I might get mad at Him and I need Him now more than ever.

Merry Christmas Pretty Girl.  I miss you.