On the way home Shannan came to visit Rachel with me. She gave me a few minutes by myself with her too. I read to her and talked to her. It doesn't feel as strange and I would have thought...it actually is coming pretty naturally to me. My mother's love is blind. She will always be my daughter and I will never have the relationship I would love to have with her, so I am taking the one I can get. And still, every day, she is making me a better woman...the impact this little girl has had on my heart and countless others is overwhelming to me. I am so honored to be part of her story. I love her more than I could possible put into words.
I also got an email from a friend today telling me that she went to visit Rachel. It made me happy to know that she's getting visitors... she said she told her what good parents she has - that made me & Matt smile too :o)
I had decided months ago that on the memory box my sister is making me, I wanted the verse "I thank my God every time I think of you" phil.1:3.
And some of you probably remember the post I wrote months ago about God bringing everything to completion?? If not, re-read it cause this post will make more sense if you do - here's the link: http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/2010/09/he-brings-everything-to-completion.html
I knew that the bible said that God brings all things to completion. The part I didn't realize until my visit with Rachel today, was that He says it in the same verses where He says "I thank my God every time I think of you". I was unaware of where it said that - and I had no idea I was about to read it. I also hadn't really thought about the fact that Rachel is complete now. (I know it sounds strange that it hasn't been a great comfort to me yet, but I guess I'm still working through any of this even being real right now - no, I'm not in denial)
So, there I am, freezing at the cemetery again... and I start reading to her... I'm reading her these verses cause I want her to know that I am so thankful for her. That I don't get crushed with sadness when I think of her, I do cry, and I am sad, but the joy in my heart far outweighs any of that stuff. And it has since I first knew of her. And Matt has always felt that way too... She is worthy of thankfulness for sure. Anyway, if you're tracking with me, listen to what I read today and see if it hits you the same way it did me earlier, keeping in mind the previous post about completion...
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (emphesis mine)
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
My only question in the beginning... my only question now... "why couldn't He have just finished knitting her together in my womb?" Why couldn't He have just completed her?
He did. Just not here. For me, that sucks. For her, that's good news. She's dancing away up there worshipping our Lord. She's complete. She longs for nothing. I long for her, but God can testify to that. He is aware of my sufferings. I hope she knows who I am when I see her again. I'd love to hear her say "Mama".
As I got up to leave I said "see you tomorrow sweetheart" and got back in the car. My heart was really heavy for the next couple of hours, but all things considered, I'm doing really well. God is good - He's still carrying me... He'll know when to put me down.
while I was gone, Desirae was out enjoying a pretty serious English Tea Party. There was a bunch of girls her age & older who got all dressed up with heels, long gloves, shawls and all and drank tea with sugar cubes and their pinky's out. :o) she had a blast. I'm so thankful for our great friends carrying us along as well. Keeping the kids in mind and checking in constantly to see if they can help with them. Tomorrow Des is going with some other friends and their 2 girls to see a musical at the Seacoast Rep. after church. She's getting big. All this girly stuff makes me wish we were able to keep Rachel even more. Girl stuff is fun - and so much more so with more than one of them. I'm glad she has so many friends to be with. And I am praying that God will bless us with a sister for Desirae in the future. If not, she's got all sorts of sisters in Christ. Thank you for that! And adoption has always been on my heart...and Matt mentioned it the other day. We've talked a little about that and we're praying through it for now.
What I really want is the impossible... I want Rachel. I want this to all be a long, bad dream caused by eating the wrong food before bed and when I wake up, I'll be getting ready for my 19 week ultrasound, hoping to find out we're having another girl - and getting no bad news.
And then again, I don't want that at all. I love Rachel with such an unconditional love, that it's almost as if she wouldn't be "my girl" if she didn't have anencephaly. I love who she was...every inch of her...exactly the way she was created. I was blind to what she was missing and in love with all she had...like Daddy's nose, Mama's mouth, and the same long black hair that all her siblings have had. I miss her... oh, God, do I miss her... but I love her for just who she is. I am determined to never let her be forgotten and am already planning her next two parties. :o) She'll be here for them, and if I know her, she'll be dancing!