Monday, December 13, 2010

Would I Use a Cammode? Depends...

Last night I spent hours in the ER - didn't get home until after 1 am - hadn't pooped in 13 days (sorry if this is too much info for you!)  This is the most painful thing I've experienced so far.  Unfortunately they didn't really do anything for me, except an x-ray and then sent me on my way with one of those laxative drinks.  I will say that as I sat there in my hospital gown, sitting on a cammode in the ER,  I was reassured that my husband loves me unconditionally :o)  And Des got a real kick out of the fact that I used a Depends last night, that's right, I slept in a diaper....  This is what I get for joking about getting some during my pregnancy.  I am hoping that some day this might be a funny story... and since I'm dumb enough to tell the whole world about it, I think there's a possibility there, but I'll admit that last night, this was like the hair that broke the camels back. 

I had said to Matt earlier in the day how thankful I was that I was not angry at all with God about Rachel.  At a time when I need Him most, it would really stink to be mad at Him.  On Saturday night, I only slept for 3 hours, even with medication.  I just have trouble shutting my mind off and I'm struggling to let the days go on without her.  Every day that goes by, is one more without my girl.  I hate it. 

But last night, as we called around trying to get a sitter for the other kids at 10pm and I was considering calling an ambulance to get me to the hospital cause I felt like I was about to give birth...  I was MAD at God.  I said "seriously, do I not have enough to deal with, God??  Do I need one more thing??  Have I not been through enough??"  I was P.O'd to put it nicely.  I really couldn't believe He was letting me have to endure yet another thing...  And I wish I could say that at the end of the night, He revealed to me some truth that gave me understanding that brought me comfort... but He didn't.  It was just another thing that stunk (no pun intended) that I had to go through.  Just something else He could have stopped and didn't.

But today, I woke up and checked my email.  I had a facebook message from someone in another state who I don't know telling me that her friend, who she had been witnessing to for 20 years and who was totally against God, had accepted Christ last night because "she wanted to know this God Who could make a woman losing her child have hope"

Back when I started this blog, I had hoped that God would accomplish such things through it.  I am so blessed to know that I was indeed following how God was leading me through it... and that Rachel's life will be part of others people's stories, not just mine, for years to come.

I'd sit in pain on a cammode in front of people any day for that.


  1. Praying for you physically, as well as continued comfort to your broken heart. I agree you didn't need another thing to deal with! That being said you and your family continue to be such an inspiration to so many of us!

  2. So excited that God "won" yet again! Praise the Lord!!! At least one(that you know of) came to Him through this journey that you are on. I feel your pain(physically) and am praying for God to continue to hold you up through these trying times. Keep telling Him how you really feel(He already knows) and is there listening to every word. Loving you and praying for you.....

  3. I hope you are feeling better!

    I have been reading your blog since I first read your article in the Fosters, yet I haven't commented yet.

    My husband was diagnosed with ALS in March of this year. ALS is a chronic terminal illness that slowly paralyzes your body until it takes away your ability to breathe. He was given 2-5 years to live. We have 3 children also.

    I know I serve a mighty God who can heal Him in an instant if that is His will. I have prayed for it many times. But I also see Him carrying us through this trial every day, and it is amazing to see the hand and voice of God moving. I pray that our walk through this touches and inspires others to get to know the mighty One we serve. It is so wonderful that you have been able to do that through sharing your journey.

    I know we share a different heartache, but we share the same God. I have prayed for you many times and continue to lift you and your family up. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

  4. Oh, sweet Momma! I know these pains - both emotional and physical. And I know this anger too. Praying for your heart, your body, your mind and your soul as you grieve for your sweet Rachel. Our babies gone too soon truly have accomplished God's work and will continue to do so. I'm so glad you've been able to hear this particular story of Rachel's impact.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes