Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Goodbye

This is the letter that I wrote for Rachel and read at her memorial service.  I wondered ahead of time if I would be able to get up in front of so many people (there were 150 people there!)  and open my heart like this... but I've learned along this path that the heart of a mother can endure just about anything for her baby. 
And so I did...

12 -9-10

My Sweet Baby girl,

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for a long time now… I had hoped to write you a poem, something, anything to put my love for you into words. I just can’t seem to do it. I wanted to write you something really special for your service that would articulate to everyone here how much I love you. Every time I sat down to write, I got nothing. I just can’t put words to it. Every time I think about you and about this journey we’ve taken together, I am left utterly speechless. There’s no describing how amazing you are, how much God has accomplished through you in your short little life, or the difference you have made in this world, never mind in my heart. Words just don’t do you justice… and yet, I’m somehow supposed to be able to use them to tell you what you mean to me.

There are so many things I wish you knew. I wish you knew that I loved you from the moment I saw 2 pink lines on my home pregnancy test. I wish you knew that we were thrilled to be adding another addition to our family. I wish you knew what an amazing Daddy you have and how he gives great horsey back rides. I wish you knew the joy of playing with your sister and brothers. I wish you knew how many people love you and how many hearts have been changed because of you- I wish you knew how many people knew Jesus because of you.

I wish you knew that when we found out about you having anencephaly, there was never a choice for us. We never questioned, even once at all, if we would keep you or not. God gave you to us and we accepted His amazing gift with thankful hearts. We were never disappointed by you. We were never ashamed of you. The day we found out, Daddy & I cried a lot - and that day, we made a decision to trust God in His plan and to make the most out of every second we have with you. I tried to tell you these things while we were together, but always wondered if you could really hear me. I took my chances and told you everything I could. I know you played with your sister & brothers in your own way. They love you so much Rachel. I love that you made your personality known and that even inside my womb, we knew you liked to eat caramel and that you loved to dance. You twirled all around and always reminded me you were there. You seemed to always want my attention…and believe me you had it. You had my heart and you always will. You gave me a deeper understanding of what truly matters in this life. You taught me how to love and hope without reservation and without conditions. To be able to love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return. I have given of myself sacrificially for you, yet humbly thanking God for the gift of your life and the opportunity to nurture and care for you.

And although I was under the impression that you had nothing to give me in return, the last 5 days have shown me how wrong I was. You, my dear child, have given me more than I could have ever even thought was possible. The things I have received from you are not things that can be taken from me. They are pure joy, happiness, hope and a deeper relationship with our Lord. 9 months and 43 beautiful minutes with you… I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am so glad I got to meet you Rachel. I am so honored that God chose me to carry such an amazing little girl. He could have picked anyone. I’m so thankful He picked me.

As I say goodbye to you today, my heart longs to hear it’s not true. My life will never be the same. I will miss you every day of my life until I see you again in heaven.

But until then, as you stand in awe of our Mighty God and worship Him… dance, baby girl!
It was 2 am the night before her service when I finished this letter.  I did her video and this letter (both of which I had planned for a couple of months!) in the last hours right before her funeral.  I was in such a fog from the shock of it all that I struggled to stay focused.  And nothing was ever really going to be good enough.  Not for my girl... it's been such a long, hard road.

The two most painful moments in my life;  Closing the casket the last time and leaving her at the cemetery.  It went against every single fiber of my heart and soul.  To look back and see the pain on my face reminds me of how deep this pain truly is.  Oh, how I wish I could touch her nose to mine again.

closing her casket

One last kiss

Can someone please tell me this isn't really happening?


  1. Stacy....Your blogs always move me to tears,but this one was a real tear jerker, so touching as a mother of 3 girls myself i can not even begin to imagine how much your heart aches every day for your precious Rachel. You are such an amazing woman and mother i only wish i had half of your strength. May god and Rachel always shine down on you and your beautiful family. God bless you all.

  2. Oh Stacy~
    My heart yearns and longs and aches with and for you. If a picture is worth a thousand words.... I remember really well the pain of those moments. I don't have as many pictures and written words as you. What a precious gift they are though, for the few that we have I treasure. Thank you again for sharing this journey with us. I know it is an open book for all to look in, but it has been such a blessing to my heart. I continue to pray for you daily as you continue to heal from this devastating loss. May the God of peace continue to show you His love and grace through it all. All my love and prayers...

  3. Wow.... you are so brave to share those pictures with us. They are full of raw emotion, and they make my heart ache for you. I don't even know what else to say after this post...

  4. I so want to help raise money for Rachel's Ark. No response on the post to come have breakfast and I will donate for everyone that brings in a copy of the coupon. If there is another way that I can help through the restaurant let me know.
    I have the vision of children playing on it this summer. Fingers crossed this happens soon.
    May this new year bring you only happiness and wonderful memories.

  5. Stacy,
    I am so sorry for your pain, I know it hurts so bad. Those pictures were amazing. They definitely had me crying. I remember the day of Cayden's service, it was the second hardest day of my life. Our babies are up in heaven together dancing away. I am always here for you.
    All my love,

  6. Thank you so much for sharing Rachel's memorial pictures with us all. I know that was a very hard and painful time for you and your family. These pictures bring tears to my eyes, but I know Rachel is up in Jesus' arms and in the safest place she can be. You are such an amazing person and wonderful mommy and your story has touched my life in so many ways. I think about Rachel, you and your family everyday. Not a day goes by when I don't say a prayer for you all. Every time I see a pair of ballet shoes I think of Rachel dancing <3.

  7. Stacy, what a beautiful letter you wrote to your dear Rachel. She is one lucky little girl to have such a strong and loving mumma. The letter brought me to tears. Rachel knows how much you love her and care for her, trust me she knows. God will make sure she knows. He will take good care of Rachel and he will always carry you and give you the strength to go on day by day the best you can and know how. Anyone who thinks that they can say they know how hard this is, they don't unless they have been through it. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. The pain never goes away it just lightens a little. You never really move forward or forget, you just learn to live with it. You are your own person Stacy, don't let other people try to make you feel that you are not moving on quick enough or you're grieving in the wrong way or not doing things the way other people think you should, NO ONE should be telling you those things, NO ONE. You have the absolute right to deal with the loss of your daughter in your own way and time. Rachel will always be with you and your family and even though I never met Rachel in person I know she is beautiful, I know she touched my heart, I know she is looking down on her beautiful family that loves her unconditionally and is helping you cope the best you can. Just know Stacy, that there are people who truly care about you, your feelings and what it means to be there for you, not to judge you, thats the last thing you need. Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures of Rachel and her life. She is one amazing little girl and you are one amazing woman Stacy, your little girl sure does take after you :)

    Love Jessica Marcoux


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes