Friday, January 7, 2011

Barely Holdin' On

My two goals this morning were: get school done with Des and get Rachel's new marker finished and over to her.  Today is 5 weeks... Fridays will always = Rachel.  (I also bought my fresh flowers to represent my little "flower" here in our home...I promised to keep them in the house in her memory and so far we have not been without them!)

Yesterday after I bought all the stuff to decorate the thing for Rachel's grave, I hit a major roadblock... the ground was too frozen to get my trellis out of it (should have put it away in the fall!!) and even if I got it out, the ground would be too frozen to get it in at the cemetery.  Apparently the old-timers at the cemetery were prepared for this cause as I looked around, it dawned on me that they all had put their stuff up early... there should be a "how to decorate your loved one's grave through the seasons before you have a headstone" guide.  Maybe I'll write that after my book!  I felt so out of the loop... and yet again, discouraged.

So, last night and this morning, I searched the house and looked on line for something I could use instead.  Not exactly the right time of year to be looking for garden stuff.  I have a gift of making something out of nothing and was trying to come up with something around the house I could use - as each idea failed, I got more depressed.  Thankfully, God created me to be the kind of person who always finds a way... my love for Rachel and my dedication as her mother always step in and keep me going when I feel like I can't do it anymore.

For some reason, Rachel got an insurance card in the mail last week.  I guess she needs it since she had a neonatologist, but I never applied so I found it strange.  In the middle of my failing at making something pretty for her grave, I had to call them this morning to tell them that she doesn't need insurance and why...  I almost made it through that call without crying...almost, but not quite.  I hate this.  I was on the brink of having an emotional breakdown...I can't handle anymore disappointment.  I feel like there is constantly something not going right; not the least of which being that my daughter has yet to come back to life here on earth.  It's exhausting and my anxiety level is high.

I called Studley's Flower shop and talked to Mary (she goes to our church and her & her husband paid for the flowers we had at Rachel's service as a gift to us - I had those flowers in my house for a month before they died!)  I told her my dilemma and she looked around and came up with a solution.  She secured a trellis in a basket (in place of using the ground) and put some stones in it so it wouldn't fall over.  I really appreciated when she told me that she knows since I'm a "hands-on person" that it would be healing for me to add the garland and stuff I had already bought rather than her putting the whole thing together for me with stuff they had there...  I love that it is obvious that I like to do things for my girl and that she recognized that and helped make it possible.  So, for a price well worth my sanity and morale, I had a set up ready to be decorated. Thank you Jesus!

Made with Love <3

I wanted something tall enough that when the snow falls, it won't get covered...Her name plate is very close to the ground and I want her name to be visible.  When all was said & done, Rachel had a Mama-made decoration on her resting spot and her name was flying high.  I couldn't get the tree out cause it's frozen in there, so I'm hoping I can get Matt to go with me to be the muscles.  I want to save it to use again  for her next year.  I don't want it to get ruined sitting out for too long.  Still can't believe she's under there...

I dropped Des off at art class at Tri-City and headed over to clean things up for my girl... on the way a song came on that I've heard a million times, but it's never done anything for me.  Today, as I sang the chorus and the cemetery came into sight, it had me sobbing in the car.  My reaction made me realize how low I really hard this really is... I identified a little too much for comfort.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I stood in the cemetery...feeling so small.  I looked around me and my being felt tiny in comparison to my surroundings.  I looked at her name on the ribbon I put on the trellis...feeling so powerless...I couldn't save her.  I looked at the graves around me... feeling the weight of death and the truth of sin in this world. 
There are so many people who have to sit in cemeteries to feel close to their husbands and wives, moms and dads, sisters and brothers, children...babies...

Across from Rachel

Rachel's gave from a ways back
A name & date that changed the world

My heart is heavy.  It's broken; yet still beating. Nothing will ever bring her back. My relationship with her will always be in this place.  A cemetery, memorabilia, attempts (sometimes failed) at showing her and everyone else how my heart feels about her, and a blog.  Things seem to be getting more difficult now.... Trying to find my way through this overwhelming grief. 

Finished school with Des this afternoon (2nd goal of the day accomplished!)  But then I went to shut the blinds, since the sun had set, and saw that a string of lights on our fence outside are burned out... could everything just look pretty at the same time for once?  I try so hard to do these special things to speak of my love for Rachel.  There is always something that goes wrong... things just aren't going my way these days.  It's been a long time since they have.  I stared out at them with a "that figures" attitude; feeling yet again discouraged.

I'm barely holdin' on...

Holding on to You, Jesus.


  1. It's beautiful Stacy. Just beautiful. I'm glad you have developed some crafting skills. Also a thank you to Studleys. Keep holding on.............

    Love, Mom

  2. Stacy, You are an awesome mommy, wife and woman! I want you to know that I am praying for you and your heart. God is faithful and He loves us sooo much. Thank you for sharing this time in your life with the world. God is doing great things and so many people are learning about Him because of your Sweet Rachel!
    At His Feet,(words my husband always signs with, what a beautiful picture this phrase puts in my mind)
    John 16:33

  3. Keep taking it one day at a time. That is all God calls us to do. Don't look at the days ahead but just at today. God will give you the grace to get through each day as He carries you. Grief can be so overwhelming. Wishing I could take away your pain and give you back Rachel. Thank you for being so honest on your blog.

  4. praying for you your grave marker...I can understand how badly you must want her spot officially marked with a are doing a great job in the interim! praying that boat from India moves extra fast :) and that there will be no disappointment when it is finished and you lay eyes on it for the first time. Love you, Jill

  5. Praying for you! It comforts me to know that those times I don't feel like I have any strength left to hold onto Him He is holding on to me.

    *Hugs & Prayers*

  6. I love the words to a song by Rich Mullins...."Hold Me Jesus". I am not sure if you have ever heard the song or not, but it has been a comfort to me in some dark moments in life. Part of it is "So Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf, you have been King of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace." This is my prayer for you. That He would continue to hold you and be your Prince of Peace. Loving and praying from here.....

  7. Very pretty! You did a great job.
    Still praying...


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes