Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Sam's in a big boy bed now and woke up at 5am!  If he wasn't so cute he'd be in big trouble.  I came down and laid on the couch and put on a movie for him (and Isaiah cause he woke up too!) They started playing with the little people nativity set that Papa got them for Christmas... it plays "Away in a Manger." I heard the music and started to sing along to myself...

Be near me, Lord Jesus,

I ask Thee to stay,

Close by me forever,

and love me, I pray!

Bless all the dear children

in Thy tender care
And take us to heaven,

to Live with Thee there.

I looked out the window, it was still dark, but I could see the lights from our tree outside.  I felt so numb. Last night was one of the very few nights that I didn't cry myself to sleep...but I felt numb - and disappointed. That feeling followed me into the morning.  Away in a manger didn't help.  It should, right?  It should help me focus on Jesus and be thankful...  not today...  I was numb.

My silver lining...

Back to Homeschool today and it went well.  I love that I have that time with Desirae.  Today the boys were causing quiet the commotion while we were working and it was such a blessing to stop and laugh with them.  This is another thing that Rachel has made me better at...enjoying the moments I'm given with my children.  Remembering that I only have so many with each of them and what a blessing each one is.  Sam was being such a ham and was thrilled that he was making us laugh.  I looked over at Desirae and she was cracking up too.  To see all my kids with big smiles on their faces and to catch the one on mine at the same time was awesome.  This is what being a mom is all about... (with lots of multi-tasking included!) :o)

But there was one face that was missing...  No sooner did I have the "this is the life" thought and my next thought was "There should be 4 of them here." and my heart sunk again. Every day I have at least one thought of what it would be like to be holding her... snuggling up with my cute little girl.  It is a constant balancing act between joy and sorrow.  Such a hard line to walk.

Today I got a sketch of Rachel's headstone.  It's beautiful...for a headstone.  I was very specific in what I wanted for writing, so I knew what to expect, and knew it was coming soon - and yet when I looked at it, I cried.  It was "stone cold" reality.  I starred at the computer with disbelief and my head went numb while my heart screamed in pain. 

I was remembering my post "We walk by faith, not by sight" - it was my mantra throughout my pregnancy.  In that post, I talked about how we WOULD be bringing a car seat to that hospital...  And we did....  We got it all washed up and put it in the car. (I'm sure people thought we were nuts)  Before we went into the hospital, I asked Matt to put it in the trunk just in case we came out without her.  I didn't want to have to see it... you know, reality.   A nurse wheeled me out of the hospital on Dec.6, without my baby.  She pulled the wheel chair up to the car and as I stood up to get in, Matt popped the trunk.  There it was, my unnecessary car seat.... empty.  We walked by faith, not by sight and didn't get what we wanted.  sigh.  I wondered why God couldn't have just spared me the pain of seeing the car seat.  I got in the car and we headed to go visit Rachel at the funeral home... and then had to leave without her again.  Amazingly, I felt no worse at that time than I do now.  I guess it was shock?  The peace that passes understanding??  I don't know, but I'm glad cause looking back, I don't know how I walked that path like I did.  I can see that God was carrying me.

I'm hoping some day I will look back on these days and God's grace and mercy will be so evident in my memory that I will wonder how I walked this path and see how God carried me.  I know it's there, I know He is, but right now I'm just numb.  And (brace yourselves) a little disappointed with God.  Not mad, just disappointed.