Wednesday, January 19, 2011

An Eternity Between Thinking and Knowing

Sorry...this is a long one...

I thought I asked for a "boring" new year!? I wonder sometimes if we'll ever get a moment to rest...trying to "rest" in Him through it, but that's easy to say since my husband came home with me last night. I thought he was having a stroke - and since he hasn't been taking his blood pressure (genetic thing) meds for 3 weeks, and I had gotten "a bad feeling" earlier that day and called him at work to tell him to call his doctor, (they were closed - weather) when he said his arms were tingling and his tongue went numb...yeah, I thought he was gonna die.
I have had those moments before... you know, the ones where there is a few moments in between thinking there's a tragedy and knowing there is (or isn't)...both outcomes come to mind:
Isaiah wandered off one day while Jill and I were looking at my garden.  A few minutes later we realized he was gone.  I started calling his name; nothing.  I started walking around the neighbors houses; nothing.  The 10 minutes it took to find him felt like an eternity.  My mind went to the river at the end of the street...he's such a curious boy...what if he fell in the river? I thought, as I got more and more anxious. I began knocking on neighbor's doors, yelling "Isaiah's missing" and all you could hear on my street was people yelling "Isaiah?" with no reply.  The moments between thinking he was gone and knowing he wasn't felt surreal. When I saw him come walking around the house, I literally fell to my knees as my adrenaline level took over.  Thank you Jesus, he's still with me. 

Anyone with children knows this feeling...if your child falls, gets lost, runs into the street... until the moment you KNOW he's OK, you're not.
When Rachel was born, I had the a similar slow motion experience...the moments between thinking and knowing she would die... the moments while we waited for her to take another breath...and the moment when we realized that she wasn't going to.  The moments where we prayed for her heart to hang on...and the one when it stopped beating.  43 minutes felt like an eternity of love and hope and peace all wrapped up in between the thinking and knowing. Oh, how I miss that girl....
Last night, it felt like an eternity waiting for the ambulance, Matt continued to get worse... my thoughts went to I'm going to lose my husband too. I couldn't help but think this was the "what was next" that I had been dreading. When they left with him, I felt better knowing he was in their care, but was not going to be ok until I knew he was.  Millie came right over so I could go to the hospital.  I got there, and they made me wait without any info for 30 mins in the waiting room and then finally let me in and didn't tell me anything.  He wasn't respoding to me...I asked if he was okay; nothing.  I touched him; nothing. 
The moments between thinking and knowing....
I prayed over him and called my sister (this is where you got the vague post - Sorry - I had no idea what was happening at that point.)  and she posted a prayer request for him...  I got out my journal and wrote something along the lines of "Are You serious God?  Where are You? 

*I need to insert my gratitude here...

Thank you Millie for coming right over in an ice storm... all I said was "can you come over right now?" - her answer was "yes".  and she did.  No time wasted, no questions asked, no explanations required.  She just came.

Thank you to everyone who prayed.... I covet your prayers on a daily basis, but especially last night.  I could feel the power of your prayers.   I am so thankful for our brothers & sisters in Christ who go before the Lord on our time wasted, no questions asked, no explanations just did.

Thank you to Jan & Pastor Glen for your support...for being willing to drive in the mess last night so that I didn't have to be alone.  I am so grateful for our church family.  I cannot imagine doing life without you all.  You come to our side in everything; no time wasted, no questions asked, no explanations required... you just do.

And last, but first in my amazing husband whom I adore... thank you for all you are to me & the kids... our servant leader, our protector, our provider.  We need you and love you very much.  Thank You Jesus, he's still with us.

We have had quite the year... I guess it's not going calendar style...(Come on, 2011!) I am finding it very difficult to not be on guard for what might happen next.  While I am so grateful for the peace that God gives through my trials, I can't say I'm not getting discouraged.  I guess this is where I should recognize that we were never guaranteed a pain free life with Jesus... Jesus certainly didn't have one.  But the truth is I'm afraid to have any more loss... my heart can't handle any more...  and so I worry.  I know I'm not supposed to, but I do.  I worry about how I would be able to bear another thing...even though I know it wouldn't really be me bearing it.  Jesus would, just like He has.

I guess I'm in between thinking and knowing.

I came across this video a couple of weeks ago that I made for Matt for Father's Day last year... I've been wanting to post it in "tribute to my husband" type post and I can't think of a better one than this.  At the end there is a note I put to him... I got sad when I saw that I included "baby" in the signature; we were too early in my pregnancy to know if she was a girl and we didn't know that she was sick.  The simple days... between thinking and knowing...  I wish this wasn't so old cause there's not much of Sam and none of Rachel (and they are both so proud of him too)... I'll have to make a new one :o)  But for now....I think it shows who Matt is to us. (pause player at bottom of blog first!)

Today, I am reminded again that I have so much to be thankful for... I pray that I can love the rest of my family with the same type of urgent love that I loved Rachel with...knowing that there are not a guaranteed 87+ years for any of us... there's never even a guaranteed 43 minutes... every minute is a blessing. 

Jesus, lead me cause I can't do this alone... 


  1. I have lived long enough to have had many of these moments in my life. All are watershed moments, having changed me and the way I view life and sometimes the people in my life, forever. The absolute fear that literally hurts in your chest, in the pit of your stomach, that stops time while you teeter on the edge of thinking and knowing........ No matter the outcome, you can't feel that without changing something about who you are.
    I am glad Matt is ok. And I am grateful you have people in your life who are there in a moment when you need them.
    Love, Mom

  2. Still lifting you all up in prayer!
    I constantly feel as if I am waiting for the the "other shoe to drop." It so challenging to let go and let God, in the big and little things.

    I am praying the words of John 14:27 for you right now!!!

    May His peace find you today and always friend!

  3. Stacy,
    What you struggle with is completely normal. "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" is a common feeling after a traumatic loss. After we lost our second daughter Jaime in 1998, I really struggled with that feeling. Most Christians will say that understand that life isn't always good, but traumatic loss brings it home deep within. Most of us have a subconscious belief that "it can't happen to me." Traumatic loss smashes that assumption.
    Keep turning to God with your feelings without embarassment or guilt. And keep good friends close. God bless you!

    David Dumont


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes