Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Less Than Perfect...and Content with That.

Last night I cut out a picture of Rachel's handprint... and then compared it to a daisy I have here... wow, she was tiny.  It's about 1/2 the size.  I am so glad I have all these keepsakes to remember her because my memory will fail me.  I would love to have her finger wrapped around mine one more time...

I remember back in August, listening to someone on the radio talk about how a trial they had gone through made them a better mother...  That would make sense, I thought, but it just didn't seem to be happening in my life.  I wondered if it ever would.

As I walked my way through my pregnancy with Rachel, I so very often had to leave my kids with babysitters (although usually my mom or sister, which was great for their relationship with them) to go to my dozens of appointments, which took all day at least once a week; sometimes more.  I struggled to be everything they needed, while being everything Rachel needed (physically the hardest thing I've ever done),  and being everything Matt needed (failed pretty hard at this one) and being a stay home mom with all it's demands.  I very regularly felt like I was failing everyone, and sometimes even Rachel.  I just couldn't keep my head above water; I was drowning in my circumstances... my baby was going to die. 

After Rachel was born, as I recovered from major surgery while putting together my baby's funeral service, my mind and heart were again preoccupied with my circumstances...my baby has died.  I tried to love on my kids and ease the affect this would have on them, but even when we were sitting on the couch together, I didn't feel "here" with them.  Again, the guilt would creep in... I just lost a child, it should make me appreciate these guys more... I should be more patient, more gentle, more interested when they're talking... The truth is that it was on my heart to be those things, but I couldn't "make" myself no matter how hard I tried.  I knew Rachel had changed me, my heart, for the better... but it didn't appear that way on the outside.

Today Des & I went to our music lessons... on the way, nothing was going right, (didn't I say this would happen after everything going smoothly last week?)  I was totally aggravated and my bag falling and spilling everywhere just about sent me over the edge.  I apologized to her for being so outwardly aggravated, and she said "it's ok", but my heart was not happy about it.  This is not the kind of mother I want to be, I thought as I drove, wishing I could turn back time and hoping I don't ruin her forever.  After music, I dropped her off at Amy's for her dance lesson and hung out chatting for 15 minutes, only to get in the car and at 11:51 remember that I was supposed to pick Isaiah up from pre-school at 11:45 - and I was 15 minutes away.... I started crying... I can't even remember to pick up my son from school, I'd be better off if I never left the house, I thought as I tried to "make" the guy in front of me at least go the speed limit.  My anxiety level continued to rise... I thought I might have a complete breakdown thinking about Isaiah waiting for me there. 

[A side note on God's provision here... when I dropped Isaiah off this morning, for "some reason", I said to him "if Mama is late picking you up, don't worry, I'll be here... just read a book and wait for me"  He replied back in his sweet little raspy voice "ok, Mama, if you awe a wittle wate, I will just wait for you" - I had been 5 minutes late the week before and he gets really upset if I'm not there on time.  I was so glad I had said that to him cause when I got there 20 mins late, he was totally calm, playing on the chalkboard.  Thank You Lord!]

So, what's my point?  Well, I'm never going to be "the mother I want to be" because that mother is perfect.  And without God in my life, I won't even come close... With God, maybe a little closer, but still so short of perfect.

But this afternoon, I read to Sam and rocked him to sleep... read with Isaiah and rocked him...and when he looked up at me randomly and said "I'm a sugar fiend... cause I wiwwy wove sugar", I laughed out loud and kissed his cheek... we laid down together and snuggled... and then got up cause he was hungry again (all this boy does is eat!)  I realized that even when my day goes "all wrong" I still have joy... I know that my journey with Rachel did change my heart.  It brought me closer to God.  I know He can cover all of my shortcomings with his grace.... I know that my kids have the exact mother they were supposed to have... and it's me.  I may not be perfect, but I love them with an everlasting love and am faithful to them - and they are certain of my complete devotion to them.  As I sat here this afternoon, once again becoming content with less than perfect,  I thought to myself I'm a better mother than I used to be... thanks to Rachel.


  1. From the first moment I saw each of my children, and then my grandchildren, I saw perfection. Through the years, there has been no word or deed to change that.

    Love, Mom

  2. Stacy,

    I've told you this once before (I think in a facebook message) and I'll tell you again...if I can be half the mother to my children that you are to yours...I will be more than happy.

    You ARE an amazing mother. No one is perfect, but you are certainly MIL1ION! (One in a million!)

    Hugs again, my friend!

  3. Oh Stacy. Isaiah just melts my heart. It's amazing the things our children can teach us, isn't it? How they can make us better people, and mothers? Rachel and all of your children have done that for you. I see how you love them and how happy they are, and how they love you. You are a wonderful mother and everything THEY need. They are cheerful, content children that are full of JOY and a love & excitement for life! That shows a lot of who their mother is-you love them, you are full of joy, you are full of God's grace. He has blessed you and He has blessed your children as well because you have decided to obey & follow Him. They benefit GREATLY because of your walk with the Lord! God sees what a wonderful mother you are, even if some people don't see. God is going to richly reward you for being a wonderful mother! I wonder if He's got a big pink jewel in your crown in heaven waiting for you-for being Rachel's mom, not to mention a different color for each of your kids maybe :) And all to lay it all down at His beautiful feet. What love! When I see your children I see awesome, sweet natured, beautiful, happy kids- and it is because they have a wonderful & sweet mother in you, Stac.
    I love you girl! Keep doing what you're doing because they turned out pretty awesome! :) And I know that they will be more than alright- they will be great. And they will have the most important thing in life-they will (some of them do) grow to know & love God. What a wonderful gift. Love you, xoxo

  4. Stacy,
    I know our situations are different and I can't really say I completely understand what your going through. Even though I had unexpectedly lost my son at two months old and almost two months ago,and I still feel as if i'm living someone else's life.
    I admire your strength and I can truly say my heart aches for you.
    How ever I do understand the love that a mother has for her child, and I too have Two wonderful children 9 and 7 who are what I use to say, left with a broken mother and felt guilty for feeling like I wasn't meeting up to my own expectations.
    I have been following your blogs and it almost seems as if I have one of those days myself I just coincidently go to your blog and it's as if you read my mind...yet we are two different people with two different situations...yet the same in that we both lost a child.I will never be the same and I too agree that I wouldn't want to be and although I doubht my self at times, I also have learned alot from this long painful journey.
    Although we walk this road, sometimes feeling alone I am reassured that we are exactly who and where we ought to be. I know the journey has just begun and I know I will feel more hurt and pain along the way but at the same time I have felt more joy than I ever have in all my life and I inquired a love that continuly grows stronger every minute of everyday for myself my children my family and friends and I owe it all to My little Mister Owen. I am a better mother thanks to him.He had a purpose much greater than I could ever fathom and I am truly blessed to have even carried him, they are our Angels, our gift from god.
    I think of you and your family often and I look forward to your blogs, as I find comfort and reassurance in reading them. I don't really have a point as to why I'm writing and I apologize for rambling so I just felt the extreme need, so I did.
    I hope each day fills your heart with love, peace and joy in knowing that you are truly helping others, as you have helped me.
    From one Mother to another, Thank You!!!

  5. Stacy,
    I love this post. It is how I feel as a mom so often, so inadequate. Yet, God in all His wisdom gave my children me for a mom. So, I rest in the fact that no I am not perfect, but I am the perfect mom for them because He designed it that way. They are turning out to be who God designed them to be and part of that is influenced by me. I don't always like what I see in myself and therefore in them. God has shown me that mothering is the biggest growth experience we could ever venture on for so many reasons. It shows us where we need to change and it also gives us a glimpse into Hie eternal undying love for us.

    Thank you for sharing your heart yet again. It was such a great reminder for this mom who still struggles daily to keep my priorities and perspective in order.

    Still praying for you all.....


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes