Monday, January 10, 2011

He's Not Done Yet!

I spent a couple hours on my book this afternoon.  I think this is going to be another walk of grief and joy.  It's hard to read some of the stuff...brings it all back to my mind and heart.  It's also hard seeing the things I questioned; knowing now the way everything played out in the end. It's difficult to be reminded about the people who have let me down or hurt me and the struggles I have gone through alone, or with added stress during this heartbreaking time.  And then there's the blessing in seeing how God provided in so many ways to fill the void left by the humans in my life and how He carried me through this. It's also really encouraging to see how many new and better friends I have now than ever before; the people who have really loved me through this. 

When I write my posts, I am usually pretty engrossed in my emotions; trying to be an open "book" so that my journey with Rachel can truly help others and I'm not sure that could happen to the degree it is if I wasn't transparent (as scary as that can be at times)  I've also really tried to follow God's lead on my posts, so sometimes what I start out to write and what actually gets written are two totally different things...That's why I never give it a title till the end! :o)  (that's actually happening to me right now if you can believe that!!  I "planned" on writing about how I am in a funk and don't have much to say!)  But that makes it hard to remember what I've written and so looking back, I remember the events and feelings that I wrote about, but wouldn't if I didn't have them written down.   My heart is blessed to read about my ups and downs because as much as it hurts, it also reminds me of all the amazing blessings that Rachel brought to my heart - in a way, it also validates my feelings of sadness and pain because, let's face it, this has been a long, hard road. 

Some people actually think that my daughter dying carries the same pain and grief for them as it does me - and that therefore, I should be acting "better" by now cause I had time to prep for this, and if nothing else, I should be comforting them too, cause they lost a baby too and they're hurting too... I know when I look back over the past 5 months that there is no truth to that.  I know I am right where I "should" be.  I understand that others have been affected by Rachel's death...honestly, I'm truly honored that people care, but it is not the same for them as it is for me as her mother; never could be...  This is not something I need to get over right now anymore than I can. It can be hard to listen to opinions like this though without wondering if I'm overreacting... <--- huh? crazy talk. 

I read back through more than half my posts and as I did, I just kept saying to myself "I can't believe I have really been through this" It almost feels like I'm reading someone else's words... the bottom line is that I am just not the same person I was before Rachel.  The moment I knew she would die soon after birth, my entire life changed... with every ounce of pregnancy joy and pain, my heart was being reshaped...and the day I held her in my arms until she passed to the arms of the Lord changed who I am totally; completely and forever.  I will never be the same.  I would not want to be. 

Writing this book is going to be healing for me... and I pray that it will bring hope to everyone who reads it; knowing that there is joy in this painful journey.  That a "fatal birth defect" - or whatever struggle you find yourself in - is not beyond God's reach...not out of his are never alone.  God works everything for the good of those who love him, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 - this verse was on our wedding favors! Imagine that...)  Rachel had a purpose beyond anything I could have ever dreamed up myself...When I walked down that isle, I would never have guessed I would ever go through something this hard. Sometimes I look at our wedding and honeymoon pictures and think about how clueless we were about life....and death.  But God has brought healing to thousands of people through our intimate experience with both in Rachel - and I know He's not done yet!


  1. A friend of mine directed me toward your blog in a time where I thought God had forgotten about me and my family. A time where I was very bitter for Him giving my son wings and making what should have been a hello a good bye. Its been almost a year since my son was born and up until just before Christmas I never thought I would walk with God again. I thought I was too bitter and angry to ever forgive him. And then God found a way to show me you and your beautiful daughter.

    The whole reason I was going to comment was about how family members think you should be "better" now like our children are just sparks of our lives that we should forget. I found a poem called "Dont Ask Me" and about half way threw it says "Please, don't ask me if I'm better bereavement isn't a condition that clears up" I am currently pregnant with a daughter and when we found out my family thought I would just magically be all "better" that I wouldnt think about my son everyday any more, that I wouldnt have days where I just couldn't pretend everything was right with the world. Like they expected me to love him less because I had another child to look forward to.

    You are a strong woman and an amazing mother. And I just want to say thank you.


  2. When I read this part of your blog...

    "I understand that others have been affected by Rachel's death...honestly, I'm truly honored that people care, but it is not the same for them as it is for me as her mother; never could be..."

    ...I was taken back. You are so right Stacy!

    Many people have been affected by your blog, your love for Rachel and your family, her beauty, your beauty and her death...

    But it is NOT the same for them as it is for you, her never could be! And for anyone to think they could ever completely understand what you've been through, are going through and will continue to go through and tell you that you should be 'better' all I can say to them is 'you try walking half a mile in that woman's shoes! You see how you would be feeling!'

    You will continue to have good days and not so good days. Good moments and not so good moments. Strong moments and weak moments. And you are entitled!

    BIG hugs,

  3. Thank you so much for your words. It definetly has been a roller coaster being pregnant again and trying not to freak out at every turn and hiccup and right now I am on the ultimate roller coaster... I am in labor with my daughter at this moment actually just kind of playing the waiting game and already I have had a panic attack. When they started the pitocin it caused a 5 min constant contraction and her heart rate slowed so far that at one time there were six nurses on me. I was so scared but God brought us threw it and now I am sitting here just counting every beat of her heart. I dont think I can breath easy again until I hear her crys though

  4. Stacy, you are truly right. No one can fully understand your pain unless they walk in your shoes. Everyone reacts and acts differently through trials. I would just like to say that I think you have walked this road in a way you should be proud. God is smiling down at your testimony for Him through these dark days. No one can tell you when to feel better. It is a long process. Know that I am praying for you as you continue this road. Keep resting in the one who is your all.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes