We Will Never Be the Same

Today, January 16, marks a few things in my life...

My Nana died 21 years ago today... she had just turned 56.  21 years seems like so long, yet even I can remember it like it was yesterday and I was only 10 when she died.  My mom never used to cry and when I got off the bus, excited that I had found a new business selling gumballs and found her at home crying, I knew something bad had happened... our family would never be the same...

January 16, 2001 was my last day of drug dealing... (I know I've been kinda vague around this topic, sorry for dropping it randomly like this, but there's no way around it on this one)  I got arrested on January 17...I was 22 years old and found myself with 7 felony drug charges... (should have stuck with selling gumballs!) I had a degree in criminal justice I'd never be able to use now, was facing 87 years in prison and had a drug habit that I thought was "normal" and had no idea I'd struggle to quit, but I did.  Everyone around me was devastated... the front page revealed over and over that our family would never be the same...

When I found out I was expecting Desirae, her due date was January 16...8 years ago and I remember it so clearly.  I took the test in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom while on work release from jail.  I was so excited to become a mother...filled with joy at the thought of my baby.  I had a new hope in my heart.  And as much as today's date revolved around sad things in my life, I had a feeling that the "coincidence" of it being my due date was a "sign" that things were going to get better for me...that my baby was a good thing... that my family would never be the same...

6 years ago today I got baptised and dedicated Desirae to the Lord.  Seems like so long ago, and yet I remember it like it was yesterday...  I had grown up without any idea Who God was.  I had started going to church ("cause it would be good for Desirae") in August, when she was 19 months old.  Matt & I were separated and I was trying to do the best I could as a single mom...and I thought church would be good...if you knew what I thought about Jesus (bad) and knew about Him (nothing) at that point, you would understand how crazy that was!  I had no idea what I was doing there...but God did.... I had a new Hope in my heart and our family would never be the same....

Today we sang a song at church that we sang at Rachel's funeral....and also at my friend Jill's husband's funeral 4 months earlier...I was sitting with her this morning...such a "coincidence" (Matt was home with a sick Samuel again) and we happened to be in the front row together, just like we were at Corey's service.  The song came on and I was immediately brought back to that day. ( I started bawling) Corey died the day after we got the news about Rachel in August...Jill and I had both been hit with such a huge loss that week; barely able to see our way through the shock, and yet sitting there that morning, we both were painfully aware that our families would never be the same...

Then we sang a song that says these words:

Oh, Lord I feel like dancing.  It's foolishness I know...but when the world has seen the light, they will dance with joy like we're dancing now!  I could sing of Your love forever!

Obviously, at the thought of dancing, Rachel came to mind.  I felt a smile come to my face, my feet start to move and my arms go up... I was dancing... For a moment completely lost in God's love; remembering my girl... feeling content with her being with Him and the fact that our family would never be the same...

On this cold, Sunday in January... on a day with some sad and some sweet memories, in the past and even today... I sit here feeling so grateful for how God has brought me out of my pit and saved me from myself.  As I write, broken hearted, yet not without Hope, I am filled with gratitude that He didn't leave me in that place.  And for all the times I fail; do things wrong or imperfectly... in all the places I need to improve; the growing that has yet to happen... I rejoice in my confident hope (Romans 12:12, right Elisha? :o) )  that He will continue to gently guide me and carry me through all my loss, heartache, failures, sin... and that my family will never be the same....