He's Not Done Yet!

I spent a couple hours on my book this afternoon.  I think this is going to be another walk of grief and joy.  It's hard to read some of the stuff...brings it all back to my mind and heart.  It's also hard seeing the things I questioned; knowing now the way everything played out in the end. It's difficult to be reminded about the people who have let me down or hurt me and the struggles I have gone through alone, or with added stress during this heartbreaking time.  And then there's the blessing in seeing how God provided in so many ways to fill the void left by the humans in my life and how He carried me through this. It's also really encouraging to see how many new and better friends I have now than ever before; the people who have really loved me through this. 

When I write my posts, I am usually pretty engrossed in my emotions; trying to be an open "book" so that my journey with Rachel can truly help others and I'm not sure that could happen to the degree it is if I wasn't transparent (as scary as that can be at times)  I've also really tried to follow God's lead on my posts, so sometimes what I start out to write and what actually gets written are two totally different things...That's why I never give it a title till the end! :o)  (that's actually happening to me right now if you can believe that!!  I "planned" on writing about how I am in a funk and don't have much to say!)  But that makes it hard to remember what I've written and so looking back, I remember the events and feelings that I wrote about, but wouldn't if I didn't have them written down.   My heart is blessed to read about my ups and downs because as much as it hurts, it also reminds me of all the amazing blessings that Rachel brought to my heart - in a way, it also validates my feelings of sadness and pain because, let's face it, this has been a long, hard road. 

Some people actually think that my daughter dying carries the same pain and grief for them as it does me - and that therefore, I should be acting "better" by now cause I had time to prep for this, and if nothing else, I should be comforting them too, cause they lost a baby too and they're hurting too... I know when I look back over the past 5 months that there is no truth to that.  I know I am right where I "should" be.  I understand that others have been affected by Rachel's death...honestly, I'm truly honored that people care, but it is not the same for them as it is for me as her mother; never could be...  This is not something I need to get over right now anymore than I can. It can be hard to listen to opinions like this though without wondering if I'm overreacting... <--- huh? crazy talk. 

I read back through more than half my posts and as I did, I just kept saying to myself "I can't believe I have really been through this" It almost feels like I'm reading someone else's words... the bottom line is that I am just not the same person I was before Rachel.  The moment I knew she would die soon after birth, my entire life changed... with every ounce of pregnancy joy and pain, my heart was being reshaped...and the day I held her in my arms until she passed to the arms of the Lord changed who I am totally; completely and forever.  I will never be the same.  I would not want to be. 

Writing this book is going to be healing for me... and I pray that it will bring hope to everyone who reads it; knowing that there is joy in this painful journey.  That a "fatal birth defect" - or whatever struggle you find yourself in - is not beyond God's reach...not out of his sight...you are never alone.  God works everything for the good of those who love him, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 - this verse was on our wedding favors! Imagine that...)  Rachel had a purpose beyond anything I could have ever dreamed up myself...When I walked down that isle, I would never have guessed I would ever go through something this hard. Sometimes I look at our wedding and honeymoon pictures and think about how clueless we were about life....and death.  But God has brought healing to thousands of people through our intimate experience with both in Rachel - and I know He's not done yet!