Painting my sorrows away...

Sadness is hard.  It always seems to catch me off guard.  I realized this afternoon that it's as if I just don't have time to grieve. 

I thought I was doing really "well"...  I even had told someone at church this morning that I was doing better emotionally.  I noticed last night that when I got into bed (at a decent time for once! AKA before mindnight) and snuggled up with Rachel's blanket, that I didn't cry.  I started to think I was finally (as if it's been long!!) getting past the hard part... 

This afternoon, I was feeling pretty good.  My sister came to church with us, which always makes for a great morning for me. :o)  Her & the kids came over for lunch and I cut her hair... I was feeling "normal".... look out whenever that feeling comes!  I decided I would work on a project I have been wanting to do with Rachel's footprints.  Again, feeling pretty good about it...  I opened up the laptop bag that I brought to the hospital and discoverd a bunch of things I hadn't unpacked yet...

I haven't been able to take everything out cause I'm waiting on getting this room done (floors & walls) before I unload everything... but without looking at her stuff, I rarely cry.  I'm too busy and it's easy to avoid.  I realized today why avoiding my feelings isn't good.  Because in about 2 secs flat I was deep belly sobbing.  I cried so hard that I got a bad headache almost instantly.  I was frustrated with the fact that her stuff is still all shoved in random baskets, that I don't have any of it displayed... feeling guilty that I'm not doing more with her things to make them special and visible.  Overwhelmed with the things I want to do...like scrapbook her pictures...  I hate clutter and this whole room is full of it.  Totally NOT what I wanted to do with this space. 

As I tried to explain all this to Matt through my sobs, I did what I do best... decided to do something about it.  I did feel (and probably look) slightly crazy when I stood up, still crying, and started moving everything out of this room... but I didn't care.  "Mama mode" set in and I can't take her stuff being boxed up anymore.  My amazing husband didn't question me, he just started working along side me... taking everything off the walls and prepping them for paint. (which, by the way we had picked up last night!) He ran to the store and bought a roller while I cut in the edges... 2 hours later, the room was done.  I still can't set up her stuff until the floors are done, but it's not out of sight, out of mind anymore... nothing is going back in this room until it's ready for Rachel.   I wish I would've been doing this all along.  She deserves a room. 

Isaiah came in and asked "Why you paintin' the waws?" 
"Cause this is what Mama does instead of having a break down"  I said, half joking.
"And this is how I love Mama" Matt added. 

Of course Isaiah wanted to help...

In case your wondering, we went with gray... totally not a color I would normally pick, but I needed something that would be good for an office...and a nursery.  No, I'm not pregnant.. but I hope that Rachel will someday be a big sister.  And now I'm gonna sound really pathetic... I went on line yesterday to see what color the "experts" recommend for a gender neutral nursery...they said gray.  I looked at a few different bedding sets...girl and boy ones to make sure they knew what they were talking about...I think they're right. I long for the day I need one - except I'll probably never use it cause I won't want to put the baby down.

Before we found out about Rahel I had a couple dreams that something was wrong with her... tried to convince myself I was just paranoid... well, the other night, I dreamed that Matt painted the office walls pink on accident.  I kept saying "but what if we have a boy?"  and he kept insisting that it wasn't pink, it was beige. (he's color blind)  I'm hoping that means I'll need pink accents someday, but I will happily take blue ones if I can actually use the room for my baby and not just his/her memories.  

I miss my girl.... I have a feeling I'll be painting something for the rest of my life....