Less Than Perfect...and Content with That.

Last night I cut out a picture of Rachel's handprint... and then compared it to a daisy I have here... wow, she was tiny.  It's about 1/2 the size.  I am so glad I have all these keepsakes to remember her because my memory will fail me.  I would love to have her finger wrapped around mine one more time...

I remember back in August, listening to someone on the radio talk about how a trial they had gone through made them a better mother...  That would make sense, I thought, but it just didn't seem to be happening in my life.  I wondered if it ever would.

As I walked my way through my pregnancy with Rachel, I so very often had to leave my kids with babysitters (although usually my mom or sister, which was great for their relationship with them) to go to my dozens of appointments, which took all day at least once a week; sometimes more.  I struggled to be everything they needed, while being everything Rachel needed (physically the hardest thing I've ever done),  and being everything Matt needed (failed pretty hard at this one) and being a stay home mom with all it's demands.  I very regularly felt like I was failing everyone, and sometimes even Rachel.  I just couldn't keep my head above water; I was drowning in my circumstances... my baby was going to die. 

After Rachel was born, as I recovered from major surgery while putting together my baby's funeral service, my mind and heart were again preoccupied with my circumstances...my baby has died.  I tried to love on my kids and ease the affect this would have on them, but even when we were sitting on the couch together, I didn't feel "here" with them.  Again, the guilt would creep in... I just lost a child, it should make me appreciate these guys more... I should be more patient, more gentle, more interested when they're talking... The truth is that it was on my heart to be those things, but I couldn't "make" myself no matter how hard I tried.  I knew Rachel had changed me, my heart, for the better... but it didn't appear that way on the outside.

Today Des & I went to our music lessons... on the way, nothing was going right, (didn't I say this would happen after everything going smoothly last week?)  I was totally aggravated and my bag falling and spilling everywhere just about sent me over the edge.  I apologized to her for being so outwardly aggravated, and she said "it's ok", but my heart was not happy about it.  This is not the kind of mother I want to be, I thought as I drove, wishing I could turn back time and hoping I don't ruin her forever.  After music, I dropped her off at Amy's for her dance lesson and hung out chatting for 15 minutes, only to get in the car and at 11:51 remember that I was supposed to pick Isaiah up from pre-school at 11:45 - and I was 15 minutes away.... I started crying... I can't even remember to pick up my son from school, I'd be better off if I never left the house, I thought as I tried to "make" the guy in front of me at least go the speed limit.  My anxiety level continued to rise... I thought I might have a complete breakdown thinking about Isaiah waiting for me there. 

[A side note on God's provision here... when I dropped Isaiah off this morning, for "some reason", I said to him "if Mama is late picking you up, don't worry, I'll be here... just read a book and wait for me"  He replied back in his sweet little raspy voice "ok, Mama, if you awe a wittle wate, I will just wait for you" - I had been 5 minutes late the week before and he gets really upset if I'm not there on time.  I was so glad I had said that to him cause when I got there 20 mins late, he was totally calm, playing on the chalkboard.  Thank You Lord!]

So, what's my point?  Well, I'm never going to be "the mother I want to be" because that mother is perfect.  And without God in my life, I won't even come close... With God, maybe a little closer, but still so short of perfect.

But this afternoon, I read to Sam and rocked him to sleep... read with Isaiah and rocked him...and when he looked up at me randomly and said "I'm a sugar fiend... cause I wiwwy wove sugar", I laughed out loud and kissed his cheek... we laid down together and snuggled... and then got up cause he was hungry again (all this boy does is eat!)  I realized that even when my day goes "all wrong" I still have joy... I know that my journey with Rachel did change my heart.  It brought me closer to God.  I know He can cover all of my shortcomings with his grace.... I know that my kids have the exact mother they were supposed to have... and it's me.  I may not be perfect, but I love them with an everlasting love and am faithful to them - and they are certain of my complete devotion to them.  As I sat here this afternoon, once again becoming content with less than perfect,  I thought to myself I'm a better mother than I used to be... thanks to Rachel.