My Goodbye

This is the letter that I wrote for Rachel and read at her memorial service.  I wondered ahead of time if I would be able to get up in front of so many people (there were 150 people there!)  and open my heart like this... but I've learned along this path that the heart of a mother can endure just about anything for her baby. 
And so I did...

12 -9-10

My Sweet Baby girl,

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for a long time now… I had hoped to write you a poem, something, anything to put my love for you into words. I just can’t seem to do it. I wanted to write you something really special for your service that would articulate to everyone here how much I love you. Every time I sat down to write, I got nothing. I just can’t put words to it. Every time I think about you and about this journey we’ve taken together, I am left utterly speechless. There’s no describing how amazing you are, how much God has accomplished through you in your short little life, or the difference you have made in this world, never mind in my heart. Words just don’t do you justice… and yet, I’m somehow supposed to be able to use them to tell you what you mean to me.


There are so many things I wish you knew. I wish you knew that I loved you from the moment I saw 2 pink lines on my home pregnancy test. I wish you knew that we were thrilled to be adding another addition to our family. I wish you knew what an amazing Daddy you have and how he gives great horsey back rides. I wish you knew the joy of playing with your sister and brothers. I wish you knew how many people love you and how many hearts have been changed because of you- I wish you knew how many people knew Jesus because of you.


I wish you knew that when we found out about you having anencephaly, there was never a choice for us. We never questioned, even once at all, if we would keep you or not. God gave you to us and we accepted His amazing gift with thankful hearts. We were never disappointed by you. We were never ashamed of you. The day we found out, Daddy & I cried a lot - and that day, we made a decision to trust God in His plan and to make the most out of every second we have with you. I tried to tell you these things while we were together, but always wondered if you could really hear me. I took my chances and told you everything I could. I know you played with your sister & brothers in your own way. They love you so much Rachel. I love that you made your personality known and that even inside my womb, we knew you liked to eat caramel and that you loved to dance. You twirled all around and always reminded me you were there. You seemed to always want my attention…and believe me you had it. You had my heart and you always will. You gave me a deeper understanding of what truly matters in this life. You taught me how to love and hope without reservation and without conditions. To be able to love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return. I have given of myself sacrificially for you, yet humbly thanking God for the gift of your life and the opportunity to nurture and care for you.


And although I was under the impression that you had nothing to give me in return, the last 5 days have shown me how wrong I was. You, my dear child, have given me more than I could have ever even thought was possible. The things I have received from you are not things that can be taken from me. They are pure joy, happiness, hope and a deeper relationship with our Lord. 9 months and 43 beautiful minutes with you… I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am so glad I got to meet you Rachel. I am so honored that God chose me to carry such an amazing little girl. He could have picked anyone. I’m so thankful He picked me.


As I say goodbye to you today, my heart longs to hear it’s not true. My life will never be the same. I will miss you every day of my life until I see you again in heaven.


But until then, as you stand in awe of our Mighty God and worship Him… dance, baby girl!

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It was 2 am the night before her service when I finished this letter.  I did her video and this letter (both of which I had planned for a couple of months!) in the last hours right before her funeral.  I was in such a fog from the shock of it all that I struggled to stay focused.  And nothing was ever really going to be good enough.  Not for my girl... it's been such a long, hard road.

The two most painful moments in my life;  Closing the casket the last time and leaving her at the cemetery.  It went against every single fiber of my heart and soul.  To look back and see the pain on my face reminds me of how deep this pain truly is.  Oh, how I wish I could touch her nose to mine again.

closing her casket

One last kiss

Can someone please tell me this isn't really happening?